AN: Hi y'all! I wanted to give a warning about this chapter and the next few as it discusses active suicidal ideation, which includes planning and letters. I have marked the points where this is discussed and again will cover a summary in the end notes for you. This chapter and the next few are heavy on suicidal ideation and actions.
Some personal info as to why I'm writing this and some edgy background for yall: This work has been a sort of cathartic experience as I look into my past thoughts and actions, that luckily didn't work out or else I wouldn't be here today. I'm a college student now who gets to make photos and art all day and I have a great support group who I can lean on when my mental health dips, but it wasn't always like that and my actions of the past led to a self harm addiction that will never fully go away (thoughts at least). Writing this little fic in a way is bringing me long due closure to the part of my life that didn't want to see what the future held. I hope those of you that are in a similar boat can feel seen through this chapter and the next few.
CONTENT WARNING: Heavy and active suicidal ideation and self harm.
Jacob was still ignoring me. Everytime I'd call Billy, he'd say Jacob won't come to the phone, and to not come over. My dreams at night now had a new set of characters, with the wolves coming on me in the forest. Sometimes they chased him away. I was worried about Charlie, and Victoria, and Laurent, and the wolves, and my lost family. You'd think fear for my father's life would lead me to be sober more often, but my consumption never changed. I started to resort to self-harm almost daily in the week after the meadow, and I never left home.
Charlie was becoming worried again. I still wasn't eating, and I figured I had to circumvent his concern with another attempt at contacting Jacob. It had been two weeks since the meadow incident, and I was going to demand answers.
I pulled up to the little red house with no Jacob barrelling out to greet me. It was still morning, so he could be asleep. I stomped over to the front door while trying to hold my anger together, I had to get answers.
I knocked twice before Jacob opened the door. He was shirtless, and looked at me like I murdered his father (and his hair is still long).
"Why are you ignoring me?"
"We can't be friends anymore Bella, give it up." And he went to shut the door in my face, but a miracle allowed my foot to jam in the door before it hit its mark.
"Are you part of Sam's gang now? Why are you doing this?" He nodded once, then kicked my shoe out of the door and slammed it. Maybe I could write him a letter, I had a pen and some spare paper.
Jacob,
I don't know what I did to offend you. If Sam's gang is getting to you, Charlie can help you get out. Please talk to me, please explain. I miss you, Jacob.
Bella
I slid it in the door handle, and went back home. The day dragged on longer than usual, and the hole in my chest felt like flames lapping at my ribcage. I was staring into nothing, drunk on tequila, while rocking in my chair when I heard a tap on my window.
I looked over to see Jacob at the window he usually used to get into my room. I stumbled up to open the glass for him.
"What are you doing here, Jake?" He must have gotten my letter.
"I came to apologize. Explain. It's not you, it's-"
"It's not you it's me, right?" His head fell like a bowling ball hitting the hardwood floor.
"I'm serious, Bells. Something happened. I- I wish I could tell you what."
"Why don't you Jake!? Spit it out!" I stepped forward to shake his shoulders gently, but he stepped backwards, checking his hip on my desk. It was something I had seen all too well.
"I literally can't. Bella, do you remember the stories I told you on the beach all that time ago?" His eyes bore into my soul.
"Yeah, about vampires. And something else that I can't put my finger on." The sigh that came from Jake could have been felt throughout the entire room.
"Of course that's all you remember. Please, I'm begging you, try to remember. Also, are you drunk? Bella, are you okay?" I was holding onto my bed with dear life, trying not to fall down from my dizziness.
"I'm alright. Nothing you can do, obviously. Just, let me be Jake. I'll try to remember." He shook his head at me before disappearing out the window without a sound. He left the room warmer than it was before he had come, and somehow he had gotten even more buff. I wondered if this secret was related to that story, but I was too drunk to think much about it. In fact, the alcohol made me feel worse.
TW self-harm, active suicidal ideation
I got little sleep that night, tossing and turning and trying not to further aggravate the harm I had inflicted on myself in the bathroom after Jacob had left. Maybe it was time to give up on the facade of being ok. I remembered the cliff that we passed by to ride our motorcycles. I was certain that on a stormy day, the rocks would get me.
When the morning came I took out my computer to look up the weather forecast. Thursday the weather would be horrific, and I knew that was my day. Did I want to leave a letter? Letters? Indulge myself with the idea that they would miss me enough to check on me to find them? I decided Charlie would be better knowing less. I'd just tell him I love him. Maybe I should get nice paper. I could buy some in Port Angeles.
"Hey Dad, I'm gonna go shopping in Port Angeles today. I'll be back before dusk."
"Have a safe drive, fill up your tank before you hit 101." I nodded in agreement before leaving the house. The drive was quiet, I never listened to music anymore.
I found some paper in a craft store that was beige and bordered in blue. I also grabbed a few nice black pens that felt nice in my hand, and string to wrap my letters up.. I sat down in a coffee shop and began to write, first to Charlie.
Dear Charlie,
I love you dearly. I will love you forever and I'm sorry for the pain I know this will cause you. You've always been a great father, even if most of the year I was far away. I always look at my summers in Forks with happiness.
Thank you,
Bells.
Next, I wrote to Renee.
Renee,
Thank you for giving me a childhood full of small adventures, and lots of fun that I would not have gotten otherwise if you were not my mother. I hope you and Phil are well, and remain so. I look upon my life in Arizona with love.
Love you forever,
Bella.
I couldn't imagine writing to Jacob, I was too confused. I went to the letters I knew would never be read.
March 11th, 2006
Dearest Edward,
I don't know what I did wrong that made you decide I was no longer a good enough distraction for you. I miss you every day. My heart was ripped out and taken with you that day in the forest. I cannot lie and say that your leaving has not contributed to my actions that have led to this letter. I don't know how to be without you, how to do more than just merely survive. And surviving, I am doing poorly. I'm not nearly as eloquent with words as you are, but I worry little because I am sure this letter will not reach you. And if it does, it will be so far in the future that your memory of me will mean little in the 90 years that will have passed since I met you.
If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more,
Bella Swan
This letter was splattered with tear drops on the words of Jane Austen, and his name. But I must continue, to Alice.
March 11th, 2006
Dear Alice,
You were the best friend I never imagined I could have ever been lucky enough to have. I wish I could have said a proper goodbye, but this will have to do. I imagine you are not looking for my future, and even if you were you'd be prevented from doing something about my next actions. I can't imagine you couldn't care though, you've almost always been there for me. Please let Jasper know I forgive him. Please also let Emmett know I miss his crude jokes, and tell Rosalie that I understand now why she disliked me.
Love is like the wild rose-briar; Friendship like the holly-tree. The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms, but which will bloom most constantly?
Thank you for being my holly-tree,
Bella
March 11th, 2006
Carlisle and Esme,
Thank you for being the best surrogate parents one could ever ask for. I never deserved your kindness, but I am grateful for it every day. I am forever thankful for my small time as part of your family, and I hope your family continues to grow.
Isn't it funny how day by day nothing changes, but when you look back, everything is different,
Bella
I couldn't bear to write more to the rest of the family, so I kept my notes to Alice to deliver. I hoped it wasn't too disingenuous, but the tears were flowing so hard now that I could hardly see what I had written. I packed the papers in my bag and headed out, I had one more stop before home.
I almost missed the turn to the Cullen House, and I knew it must have been because it had been so long. Weeds grew over the garden that Esme so dutitly kept together when they lived here. The home was a physical depiction of the depression I had fallen into when they left, and the front door was locked. I took my bag and my feet around to the back, hoping I'd be able to get in without much struggle. I was lucky, and they had left the back door unlocked. I walked over to the dining room table that I knew used to hold family meetings, and set my bag down. I took out my string, my letters, and a flashlight. A cruel part of me wanted to give myself a cut with the pocket knife I always kept with me, but I didn't want them to know of the hatred I kept deep in my soul about their leaving, so I dismissed the intrusive thought.
I carefully rolled up Edward's letter, and tied it with my string. I planted a kiss on the bow I had created, and placed it in his usual spot when they had meetings. I put Alice's letter in her usual spot, and the last letter where Carlisle would sit. My work was done, and I could not fathom leaving. I took my flashlight upstairs to the door that was my sanctuary. As I opened it to see it left like he had gone simply for a hunt, I could faintly smell him. My knees buckled on my way to his couch.
I broke down into hysterics that I'd allow no one to see. It wasn't until the light in the room started fading that I rallied myself and made it home. I'd leave the letters to Charlie and Renee on my bed, before I left on Thursday.
TW over
After making dinner for Charlie, and picking at my plate, I remembered Jacob's visit last night and went back to my computer to look up quileute legends. After a bit of searching I found one on the wolves, and the corresponding vampire treaty. Did that mean Jake was a werewolf? Their history says that they protect the area from vampires, so they couldn't be the ones behind the attacks could they? I'd have to go to La Push tomorrow and find out, but for now it was time for me to sink into nothingness.
My sleep was full of wolves, vampires, and abandonment. Not that I didn't expect it at this point, but that didn't stop myself from being annoyed after the panic and the screaming settled itself. Only a few more days of this, right?
AN: Bella tried to go to Jacob's house, and when he slams the door in her face he leaves her a letter apologizing for who knows what, in true Bella fashion. That night, they have a short conversation in her bedroom and she has more dreams about the wolves. The next day, she decides to go to Port Angeles to get nice paper to write goodbye letters to her parents and some of the Cullens. She doesn't expect the Cullens to ever receive these letters, or if they do it would be far in the future, so she dates them and pours more of her feelings out than she did to the ones for her parents. She also ends each letter to the Cullens with a quote from her favorite authors: Edward's is Jane Austen, Alice's is Emily Bronte, and Carlisle/Esme's is C.S. Lewis. She has nothing to say to Jacob.
She goes to the Cullen's house to place the letters where they usually sit at the dining room table for meetings, and goes home and researches the Quileute legends again and connects the dots, but doesn't tell Charlie. She wants to talk to Jacob first.