Please note I am no expert in adoption law, even as it exists now, much less as it did in the 1800s. I have heard of setups like I describe the Sisters of Mercy having, and like the system I describe Jarrod having taken part in encouraging whereby the birth parents gave up every right to a child adopted. It wasn't that long ago that it was nearly impossible for someone who was adopted to find out who his/her birth parents were, because records did not exist or were sealed to protect anonymity of the birth parents and/or the welfare of the child. The system I describe in this story is not one I have legal authority for. I couldn't find much from the 1800s for it. I'm just using it.

Chapter 5

Jarrod's head was still spinning as he headed home before it was even noon. What Belinda had told him had knocked him for a loop. He could only imagine what it was going to do to Nick. The rest of the family was going to feel it too.

And Jarrod knew he was going to have to make up his mind about something. Nick and everyone else was going to want to find out what happened to that child, and they were going to ask him to search every record and pull every string he could to do it. But if he did that, he'd be working against what all these years he had worked for – the right of a child to grow up in a secure family, free from the idea that someone could come take him away just because they were his biological father or mother.

How could he do that? How could he fight against something he so fervently had fought for for years? All the way home he tried to tell himself that it wouldn't come to that, because they'd never be able even to identify which baby abandoned six years ago in June was Belinda's. But he knew his family. They would want to start digging anyway, until they had tracked down every baby they could, maybe even met every baby they could – unless he could convince them it was cruel to disrupt the lives of countless children and families.

All because seven years ago, Belinda was too afraid to tell Nick she was pregnant with his child.

He decided he was just going to take it as if came and hope that his family – especially that eruptive brother of his – would reject upsetting families and frightening six-year-olds in order to find one child who would be just as frightened and whose family would be just as upset if they found him. Then, he would also somehow have to get Nick under control and keep him from going after Belinda, because he would want to do that. Jarrod wasn't worried he would hurt her physically, but he sure would hurt her emotionally if he did. Maybe she had made a terrible mistake seven years ago, but she sure had been paying for it ever since, and now, back in Stockton, she may even be paying for it with her marriage.

"Dear God," Jarrod said to himself, out loud without thinking, as he dismounted in the stable yard.

"Senor?" Ciego asked.

Jarrod sighed. "Are Nick and Heath here, Ciego?"

"No, Senor, they are out in the north pasture with the cattle," Ciego said. "Shall I go get them?"

Jarrod thought about it. "Not yet. I'll go get them myself if need be."

"Do you want me to unsaddle your horse?"

"No. I'll come tell you what to do in a little while."

Jarrod trudged into the house, to find his mother arranging flowers on the table in the foyer. She was alone. She was surprised. "Jarrod! I didn't expect you home this early!"

"Is Audra here?" Jarrod asked.

"No, she's out visiting and Nick and Heath are working," Victoria said, and she saw the weary frown on her eldest son's face. "What is it, Jarrod? What's happened?"

Suddenly Jarrod was facing having to tell his mother that somewhere, she had a grandson who was unreachable. He hadn't really thought through how that was going to feel, but now it was here in his face and he had to deal with it. "Come, sit down, I want to talk to you before I talk to anyone else."

Victoria let him lead her to the settee in the living room. She sat down beside him there. She started to shiver when he took her hands. She said, her voice wavering because from the look on his face, she could imagine more than one horrible thought, "Just tell me."

She hadn't imagined what Jarrod said now. "Belinda came to see me. She told me that she left Nick seven years ago because she was going to have a baby – his baby. She couldn't face him. She ran. She left the baby at a convent in San Francisco. I know the set-up at the Sisters of Mercy. I know they have babies adopted fairly quickly because they usually have more than one family checked out and waiting, and I know they keep everything completely confidential. And in this case, Belinda left nothing identifiable with the baby and doesn't even remember the exact date she left him. We have no way of finding him, and I have to tell Nick all that."

"Oh, my God," Victoria breathed.

Jarrod finally felt his own eyes begin to sting. "Mother, you have a grandson, and we have no way of finding him."

"Oh – " Victoria moaned, and she got up and wandered several steps before stopping, her back to her eldest.

Jarrod did not get up. He let her have space. But he wasn't surprised when she said, "We have to try."

"Mother – "

She turned to face him. "You know how. You've worked hard with the Church in San Francisco to support that system for adoption – "

Jarrod got up quickly, went to her, took her by the arms. "Which is my problem, not Nick's or anybody else's. I worked hard to help set up a system where a child could not be found, could not be taken from the only home he's known, where a family couldn't be shattered by something like this. Mother, I don't know what to do except that I know I have to tell Nick that I myself helped make it impossible for him to find his child, and I know I can't help him or you or Belinda look for his child. Wherever he is, I know it's highly likely – very highly likely – he's in a good home with a loving family and we would shake it and possibly half a dozen others apart if we try to find him."

"Oh, Jarrod," Victoria sighed, understanding exactly what he was saying.

Jarrod took her into his arms. "Mother, I'm sorry. I'm sorry Belinda did this to begin with, but I can't fix it. I can't find that baby. I can't even look for him without hurting a lot of people."

"My grandson – " Victoria breathed.

Jarrod held her tighter. "Mother, I'm so sorry."

XXXXXX

Jarrod didn't go out to look for his brothers or send Ciego out to do it. Victoria was exhausted from the news, from trying to cope with it, and Jarrod wanted to be with her while she rested and dealt with this. They ate lunch together in silence, and then Victoria went up to her room to take a nap. Jarrod could hear her start to sob as she went in there and closed the door.

He helped Silas clear the table and take care of the dishes, as a means of settling himself. Silas knew never to ask when this kind of upset was going through the family. If they wanted him to know, they would tell him. This time, neither Jarrod nor Victoria told him. Jarrod just helped clean up after lunch. Victoria just went to her room.

Jarrod parked himself in the library, but he couldn't bring himself to do any work at all. He considered looking through lawbooks to see if he could find a way to help his family and not hurt anyone else's but he found out pretty quickly there wasn't a lot there to help him. He almost kicked himself for helping a system that thwarted him and his own family now, but he let that feeling go. He had done the best he could all these years, and he still believed what he had done was right, for the circumstances, even if his own family's circumstances were harmed now.

He fell asleep himself on the sofa in the library, only to be awakened by someone shaking him. He startled awake. It was Heath standing over him. "Big brother, I don't think I ever saw you fall asleep in here," Heath said.

Jarrod sat up. "I've never done it. Is Nick with you?"

"He went upstairs to clean up."

"Is Mother awake?"

"She went in to see Silas about dinner."

"What time is it?" Jarrod asked, looking bleary-eyed toward the clock in the corner.

"Five fifteen," Heath said. "Mother looks like a train ran over her, and you look like it ran over you too. You wanna tell me what's going on so I can help you tell Nick?"

Jarrod sighed. "It's that obvious, is it?"

"I know you were going to talk to Belinda's husband today. Did you?"

Jarrod shook his head. "I talked to Belinda. She dropped a rock on top of me – I told Mother about it and now I'm going to have to drop it on Nick."

"You want to drop it on me first?"

"No," Jarrod said with a sigh. "I'll wait until we're all together. I can only do this one more time."

Heath was baffled, but nodded. He was learning bit by bit how complicated Jarrod's life was just because he was a lawyer who had a life full of other people's problems, and a legal code of ethics to follow, as well as his own code. Sometimes Heath thought it was hard enough just for him – just a regular cowhand – to follow right and wrong, but becoming part of this family threw a new curve at him and now his own code of ethics was having to adjust. He could only imagine how Jarrod managed.

What Heath was about to find out was that he couldn't imagine how Jarrod managed.