Chapter 5

He wanted to leave and not deal with it anymore. He wanted to leave and go back to that life where you got to lock away hurt and fear and all the other shit that makes you want to lie in bed all day.

He wanted to leave and it made him feel like the biggest asshole on the planet.

If it had been a new thing borne from weeks of being immersed in a living nightmare, some might understand. It wasn't new though. He'd wanted to leave since the first time he heard her fear-drenched screams of "No! Get off me!" as she endured another nightmare in her hospital bed. He wanted to leave. He knew he couldn't. So he had to work out how to stay.

Brian had known before answering that the call from Captain Cragen was not intended to see how he was doing. He had fast figured out that this was the latest way Olivia's squad had started checking up on her behind her back. Amaro's big mouth obviously reported back that she was clearly not eating three meals a day and whatever other scandalous findings he noted on his visit. While assuming they mostly didn't want to upset Olivia - because god knows almost any badly timed questioning would - he felt it was also partly their way of reminding him that he had declared he would look after her and he was not meeting their expectations.

With that having been on his mind for days and the irritation of being woken far too soon after a night shift and two nightmares (hers within the first hour of his head hitting the pillow, his as the sun dared to start rising), his greeting to the Captain would have gotten any other Officer reprimanded by any other Captain.

"I can go pass her the phone if you want to ask her yourself?" His terse tone had stuck around when the inevitable question had been asked. He could hear Olivia in the kitchen making a pot of coffee, and god, some of that better be making its way to him. Brian's irritation deflated a little at the pause on the other end of the line. He knew, at least when it came to Cragen, there was no malice directed at him. The response soon confirming it.

"Son, I'm sorry. How are you both doing?" With his defenses already cracking from the morning's emotionally exhausting events, this broke him.

"She's trying so damn hard to get better, and she's doing so well. Then all it takes is one thing for it to feel like it has all fallen apart again and I…" he trailed off and sucked in a deep breath, leaning back against the bed's headboard. He knew it was obvious he'd started to cry but at this point, he was too tired to care.

With that classic authoritative but gentle Cragen persuasion, Brian soon found himself agreeing to catch up later in the day. He'd already offered to drive Olivia to her psychiatrist in the afternoon, so he may as well have some company while he waited.

He was feeling slightly more human by the time 3pm hit and he was at The Wolfhound with a beer in his hand. He'd opted for a booth in a darker corner rather than warming a stool at the bar. This place was convenient and inviting and he didn't want to ruin it with the bar staff overhearing anything that may draw attention to him beyond knowing his preferred drinks. He stood in greeting when he saw Cragen arrive, indicating he had a club soda waiting on the table, and reached out for a handshake before they both settled back down.

"Brian, please don't tell me you sit and drink while Olivia's in therapy."

"Not every time," his mouth turned up into a small smile. "They also know my coffee order at the diner two doors down." Today, however, definitely called for the stronger option.

They both contemplated their drinks for some time before Cragen leaned in, his arms resting on the table. "I know we've all been preoccupied with Olivia lately. It took listening to your voice this morning for me to realize no one is really understanding the toll it all might be having on you."

Brian shook his head dismissively, "Captain I shouldn't have spoken to you that way and I apologize. Just a few bad days lately. I'm back doing my night shift penance at the 5-5 and it's just been a bit of a harder adjustment to the routine than we thought." The fucking routines. Since when did he or Olivia entertain the idea of even a vague routine before this whole mess?

Cragen nodded, his voice soft, but firm. "Thank you. But through that call, even just now, you're avoiding telling me how you are actually doing."

Brian avoided the eye contact he knew Cragen was trying to draw him in to. Instead opting to concentrate on the pint glass he was nursing before taking a long drink to drain the remaining half. He glanced up to see Cragen still looking at him, patiently waiting for an answer. An honest answer. Fuck.

"I care about Liv so much. More than I ever have for anyone. Jesus. I…" Brian paused, trying to choose his words carefully so this person who also cared deeply for Liv, the closest thing she'd ever get to a father figure, wouldn't see him for the traitorous coward he was. "We don't talk about it, not in any detail. But I'm right there in the middle of the fallout. It doesn't take a genius to figure out the worst of it when she's screaming about it during flashbacks and in her sleep." The tightening of Brian's chest made it clear that he'd need another drink for this and he caught the bartender's attention to indicate he'd have a second.

He bowed his head until his fresh drink arrived and he lifted his chin in thanks, turning his attention back to the older man opposite him. "I don't want to abandon her but - look I know you had to transfer me out of the unit all those years ago because you thought I was too immature to deal with the heavy stuff,"

Cragen held up a hand to stop him. "No, Brian. Let me stop you there. Sure you were younger than most detectives we would accept into Special Victims, but it wasn't about your maturity. I transferred you because I saw you being crushed by your," Brian didn't miss the deliberate pause, "Your empathy. I didn't want those victims living in your head the way they had started to." Cragen tapped a finger on the table with his next statement to emphasize his point, "I didn't want to wait until the point where you ate your gun."

Brian's body tensed. Had Captain Cragen known back then? He swallowed another mouthful of his liquid courage before responding. "It was complicated. I tried. I really wanted to help - but man, the kids," he exhaled and closed his eyes, "the nightmares." He opened his eyes and saw a sympathetic look in his former Captain's eyes. Not dissimilar to that afternoon all those years ago when he was told of the opening in Narcotics.

"And now they're back?"

It wasn't really a question, but Brian knew he was expected to give an answer. "She needs to be the focus right now. Anything else I will deal with later." He knew he wouldn't, but as long as Cragen believed it, it was enough for now.