Thank you so much to anyone who is still with me at this point, and for those who've taken the time to review - very much appreciated!
Chapter 5: The Bluebird
The Queen of Country's divorce was plastered all over the newspapers and paparazzi were camped out at her home and all her usual haunts in the hope of a scoop. Rayna was sick of feeling like nothing but fresh meat for the vultures. It was hard enough analysing the deterioration of her marriage to Teddy while supporting the girls and trying to keep life normal for them, but having to also deal with prying eyes and constant speculation was downright exhausting. Sometimes all she wanted to do was curl up under a blanket with fluffy socks on and a tub of Ben and Jerry's in hand and hide from the world.
The thing she was finding the most difficult, the thing she was really struggling to come to terms with, was the fact that the main man in her life had taken a drastic step away from her, leaving a glaringly obvious and painful hole.
And it was not a Teddy-shaped hole.
On the Teddy side of things, she was surprised at how easily they had fallen into the roles of co-parenting. How quickly they had adapted to little more than civil greetings and fleeting sightings of one another.
A pick-up here; a sports game there; a forgotten gym bag; a dropped off school project.
Like Maddie and Daphne had been the only glue holding their shared life together. They were still ironing out some of the bumps in their new way of conducting things, but overall it had been a relatively straightforward and calm split, and once the initial shock of the whole situation had subsided, Rayna hadn't found the actual act of parting ways with Teddy to be particularly emotionally taxing at all.
She couldn't help but shake her head at that irony that the world was focusing on her separation from Teddy, whilst all she could focus on was her separation from another man.
She hadn't had any contact with Deacon since before that last show of the tour, and now it was 3 whole weeks later and out of everything that was going on, this continued to be the thing that was upsetting her the most. Certainly, Deacon would have heard about her divorce by now, yet he hadn't reached out to her, not a word, not a damn thing. Perhaps she should have called him and let him know personally, but it hadn't seemed fair to do that. Not after the way they'd left things. And what did she really expect him to say, anyway? It's not like he'd be lamenting the end of her marriage, that's for sure.
As the days wore on, her hope that he would contact her was steadily dwindling, while the ache in her heart increased exponentially. When he'd said he wanted to distance himself from her, she hadn't really believed that he would. She thought maybe he just meant a little less contact, shorter conversations, smiles in place of hugs.
But distance clearly meant distance in all senses of the word, and she'd never felt his absence more keenly. Rayna knew that for the entire duration of their relationship - from bandmates to lovers to friends and all the overlap and back and forth and bits in between - that she had been the one in the driving seat. She had naturally fallen into being the one in control because in those early days, Deacon couldn't control much of anything. So, it had been her who determined what their relationship would look like at any time, how it would function, how close they would be - or not, and Deacon, for the most part, had just gone along with the boundaries she set and lines she constantly moved. She'd carefully tried to manage things so they could circle closely around one another while still keeping their hearts protected. Well, that's what she thought she'd been doing, anyway.
But now that Deacon had, for the first time, voiced the fact that he needed space from her, she, for the first time, wondered if she'd treated him unfairly, unintentionally taken him for granted, asked too much of him over all these years.
So as painful as it was, she now knew she had to respect his request for distance, had to let him take the lead for once. She had to just trust in their connection - she knew it ran deep. Maybe that was the problem. Their waters ran so deep that there was a real risk of sinking so far down that it was impossible to make it back up for air.
And maybe this was just Deacon asking for a breather.
Perhaps if she could give him the time and space he needed then he would make his way back to her of his own accord, and things would fall back into place for them again.
And that was the hope she was holding onto now, as she didn't dare imagine the alternative.
Over these last weeks, Bucky had been gently reminding Rayna that the longer she hid out, the more sensationalised the stories would become, so encouraged her to go out and be seen in an effort to help the stories fizzle out until there was something new to steal the front page. With Scarlett and Gunnar's gig at The Bluebird fast approaching, Bucky had kindly but firmly told her she really needed to attend. Initially, Rayna wanted to respond by crossing her arms and stamping her foot - she didn't want to deal with the bloodthirsty paparazzi, and she certainly didn't feel like spending an evening having to nod her head and sad-smile her way through a whole host of versions of, I'm so sorry to hear about your divorce, from the many familiar faces who'd be in attendance.
But, Deacon would be there.
And while she had made up her mind to respect his need for space, she still missed him like crazy. In the midst of all the mess and upheaval in her life, she just wanted to see him. To see those blue eyes, that crooked smile, feel that wave of calm wash over her as it always did in his presence. Silently, she promised herself that she'd keep her distance, wouldn't talk to him unless he talked to her first. She just wanted to be in the same room as him, just for a little while.
It was Teddy's week with the girls at their family home in Belle Meade, so Rayna was staying with Tandy.
As she slowly applied her makeup prior to the gig at The Bluebird that evening, she stared critically at her face in the mirror. Surely some of those lines hadn't been there last week. Pulling on jeans and a white shirt, she fluffed her hair and appraised herself again, shrugging apathetically at the reflection that stared back at her. It would have to do.
"Bye Tandy!" she called as she was heading out the door to her car.
"Bye honey, good luck out there!"
Rayna steeled herself for the throng of paparazzi that were waiting by the gate. She drove through with her head down, half tempted to slam her foot on the gas and take the lot of them out.
"Put that on the front page." she muttered to her empty car as she imagined the carnage.
As she arrived at The Bluebird, the crowd was worse, swarming her, firing personal questions, and flashing their cameras in her face so persistently she started to see stars. After what seemed like a painful eternity, she finally made it inside, and instantly breathed a sigh of relief. Stepping inside The Bluebird was like falling into a comforting bubble of familiarity, and she was already glad that she had decided to come.
Sitting next to Gunnar at the bar, Deacon swirled the last inch of club soda around in his glass, watching a solitary icecube slowly melt away, feeling just as lonely as it looked. The past weeks had been unexpectedly tough - he'd been sure that stepping back from Rayna would provide him with some kind of relief, ease the ache in his chest, give him time to focus on other things in his life.
It turned out that keeping away from her was one thing, but keeping her out of his mind was another thing entirely. He'd been so plagued by thoughts of her that he had almost called her just to hear her voice, like a junkie craves a fix.
But then he discovered she and Teddy were getting a divorce.
He'd found out about it from an article in a magazine that Scarlett had not so subtly left on the kitchen bench, and that had stung like hell. How could she not have told him? Even though things between them had been left a little tattered at the end of the tour, he expected that she would have shared something of that magnitude with him, that she would have wanted to tell him personally instead of leaving him to read it in the tabloids along with the rest of the world.
In his head - up until the elevator incident - her marriage was the one solid, non-crossable boundary that kept him and Rayna apart, that kept them from reexploring that undeniable deep connection they had - the one that was still so obvious in the songs they wrote and the music they performed together. So the fact that that boundary had now dissolved and that she hadn't told him about it reinforced that awful realisation that he'd come to when he'd seen her with Liam. Deacon was not as significant to her as he'd always thought himself to be; the thing he thought they had together was actually no thing to her; he was not her first choice anymore.
Distance. That's why he needed to keep distance between them. He couldn't let himself be close to her while his torch still burned if she didn't feel the same. It was the only way to protect himself so he didn't get drawn right back into her and end up collateral damage. Although, he couldn't help worrying about her, wondering if she was ok.
And then, he felt a change in the atmosphere of the room, and he knew she was here. Swiveling in his seat, sure enough, there she was, standing at the door, looking beautiful despite her forced smile. His stomach flopped in that way it always did when he saw her. The flopping was quickly followed by stabbing concern as he noted her harried demeanor and her wearied eyes. A sudden urge to run over, scoop her up and check she was ok nearly consumed him. But he stopped himself.
She has plenty of support, plenty of shoulders to cry on. He thought desolately as he watched her become enveloped by people ushering her in, greeting her, hugging her. She doesn't need me.
An unwelcome lump rose in his throat and he swallowed hard to keep it down, quickly turning back towards Gunnar, trying to distract himself with something, anything.
The music was incredible that evening, and when it came time for the main act, Gunnar and Scarlett mesmerised the crowd and had everyone hanging off their every note.
"My Lord, Bucky, they are the real deal." marveled Rayna. "I am blown away!"
She took a long sip of her chardonnay, reminding herself that she was driving that night, so this would have to be her only drink. She didn't normally drink at all if she were driving, but tonight it felt like her nerves were jangling loudly like a big beaded necklace, and the sound was jarring her soul. That, coupled with the painful fact that it was obvious to her that Deacon was blatantly avoiding her - he hadn't even so much as looked her way - one chardonnay was hardly going to even touch the sides of what it felt like she really needed.
She sighed. Seeing him had only reminded her of what she already knew deep down - she needed him in her life, so this short term pain of letting him take time away from her was necessary in order to repair their relationship.
After what felt like all too soon, the acts were over, and Rayna looked around at the dwindling crowd and sighed, guessing she'd better head off home. Excusing herself from her group, she stopped by the ladies' room on her way out. A few minutes later, after she'd dried her hands, she was fumbling in her purse for her car keys, and nearly bumped smack bang into someone exiting the men's room, only just managing to stop before they collided.
Deacon was deep in thought, and didn't even see the woman until he'd nearly run her down, grabbing her forearm in a steadying apology. In that same moment, he belatedly realised it was Rayna and snatched his hand back as if stung, taking a step away from her.
In spite of herself, Rayna couldn't help but bark out a small laugh at the situation. Surely this didn't count as approaching him first.
"Deacon. Fancy that."
"What luck." he muttered, drily.
"Hey." She became serious and dove straight in, not wanting to miss the only opportunity that she might have for God knows how long to be able to speak to him.
"I know you don't want to talk to me right now, but I just want to quickly say that you take all the time you need, and I'll be waiting to jump right back into being friends again when you're ready."
Deacon frowned. "Ain't that I don't wanna talk to ya..." he trailed off, doing his best to avoid her eyes.
"I miss you." she uttered sincerely.
Visibly softening, Deacon quickly lost the battle of avoiding her gaze and all his strength and resolve slipped away like sand through open fingers. Whatever reasons he'd had for needing to stay away from her had already become a distant memory.
He sighed, resigning himself once again to the glaringly obvious fact that he was helpless around her.
"How ya doin', Ray?"
The pain behind her eyes was bright and glistening. "I've been better. It's been a rough ride the past few weeks - with Teddy, the family, the publicity, with... life in general. I'm tired." She gave him a small strong smile, and squeezed her eyes shut for a second. "What I wouldn't give to be whisked away from it all by a handsome prince to a castle far, far away." She laughed and caught herself. "Those damn lucky fairy tale princesses, huh? Real life ain't nothing like that.
Deacon remained somber despite her attempt at lightening the conversation, and he gazed at her for a long moment.
"Wish you'd told me 'bout the divorce." he said quietly.
Rayna nodded slowly and echoed his earlier sigh. "Wish you hadn't needed space."
Their eyes locked and said so much more than words ever could, apologies and forgiveness and understanding flowing like water between them.
"Anyway!" Rayna spoke up quickly before she broke down. "It's real nice to see you. I hope we can patch things up. I've lost a lot lately, Deacon, and I don't want to lose you too. Couldn't stand that. Friends?"
Biting his lip, a nod was all Deacon could manage, emotion surging in his chest. No matter how much distance he might think he wanted to put between them, the reality was that he couldn't. Wouldn't. Not for any length of time. She was his sun and he would be forever bound to orbit her until one hopeful day he might be drawn right into her completely and happily combust.
"Course, Ray."
She looked so forlorn, that before he could think about what he was doing, he'd grabbed her quickly, pulled her into a fierce hug, and swiped a kiss across her forehead that was so brief, she wasn't even sure if it had happened at all.
Pushing her away just as fast, he squeezed her hands, a feeling of contentment washing over him as the cracks in their relationship closed over. Rayna exhaled in relief and smiled at him, the first genuine smile she had managed for three weeks now, and bade him a fond goodbye before turning away and heading for the door.
As Rayna exited The Bluebird, she was still so wrapped up in replaying that moment with Deacon, that the sudden swarm of paparazzi in her face shouting and flashing their cameras at her took her by complete surprise. Immediately her hand flew to her face, shielding her eyes, her happiness quickly deflating. Pushing her way through, her strength quickly waning, she hoped she was at least heading in the general direction of her car, but there were so many people in her way it was too hard to tell and harder still to make much headway. They jostled around her, and one man tripped forward, shoving into her and knocking her sideways.
The next thing she knew, she was falling, unable to stop herself, when strong arms suddenly caught her, righting her again, then wrapped around her shoulders protectively, pushing her forward through the throng. Rayna didn't even need to look up to know that it was Deacon. The familiarity of his cologne and the way his arms felt around her gave it away immediately. Instinctively she pressed into his side, never feeling safer, and kept her head down as he propelled them forward.
"Keys." he commanded gruffly as they reached her car, and she quickly obliged. He bundled her into the passenger seat, then shot around to the driver's side, firing the engine and skidding out onto the road.
They were two blocks away before he cleared his throat.
"Uh, sorry Ray, that probably won't look very good in the tabloids. Me with my arms around you. It's just... I saw you out there, and them hounding you, and I just… I just had to…" he trailed off, alternating between focusing on the road and glancing at her, hoping she wasn't mad.
Rayna shook her head emphatically. "No! Thank you, Deacon. What you just did for me was incredible. I don't care what the tabloids say anymore. I don't care about any of it."
Deacon exhaled. "Ok. Let's get you home, Ray. Ya look like ya need some rest."
Rayna shook her head again, more fervently this time. "No, not to my place. Teddy's got the girls this week so I've been staying with Tandy."
She groaned. "But the reporters have been camped out there as well. I'm so sick of this! I just need a minute to breathe without people all around me all the time! I just need to get away!" Her voice cracked a little, and she could feel hot tears threatening to spill over. Quickly turning her head to the window, she stared hard out into the darkness, willing herself to stay composed.
Deacon's heart broke a little, just seeing her like this, so vulnerable and despondent, her legs curled beneath her on the seat, looking so small.
"Ok, ok. It's gonna be ok." He soothed, checking his rearview mirror, before looping into a U-turn, whirling the car in the opposite direction, heading towards the only place he could think of right now that had always felt like a sanctuary.
Neither of them spoke, and Rayna kept her eyes firmly fixed out her passenger side window, watching the shadows flicker by in the gloom.
Deacon snuck glances at her every so often, headlights of passing cars briefly illuminating her brooding frame.
And as the city lights started to twinkle behind them in the rearview mirror, and other cars grew fewer and further between, somewhere along the highway he noticed she'd dropped off into slumber.
So that chapter got away on me a little... Ended up being a lot longer than I'd intended it to be as I word-vomited all over the page!
Sorry about that! Good work if you managed to make it through all that :D
Time to lighten it back up a little...