Kyle is escorted to the front of his house by two obese police officers wearing loads of protective gear and pointing walkie-talkies at him, at his right and left sides. Behind him is Eric and Krautklinger. Parked just off the street are two small S.W.A.T. tanks. The front door is open and Gerald and Sheila stand there, with her tugging at him with her hands. Everyone is wearing a face mask except Eric.
"Oh, Kyle, my son!"
"All right, Red leader Krautklinger, we're six feet from the door," says Eric, pointing a laser-measuring device, "Kyle, enter the house."
Kyle enters and turns around.
"Mr. and Mrs. Broflovski, as you know, Kyle is patient zero and therefore could potentially still be infectious. Your son and everybody in the house is under a mandatory quarantine. You may go into your yard, to your mail box, and the kids can play in the street between your property lines, but anybody caught outside that will be arrested and fined, I mean, given a citation. Wearing masks and social distancing. After three strikes, your doors and windows will be welded shut. Do you understand?"
"We understand," says Kyle.
"Yes, yes of course scientist Cartman," says Gerald.
"Very good. You will all have to wear these yellow-colored stars on your shoulders; it's part of our new color-coding system scheme and indicates the wearer is either positive or potentially infectious. Remember: Do as you're told - Krautklinger's D.I.E.J.E.W.S. task force will be watching," Eric turns around and walks away.
.
Yates and frank stop at the entrance with City Wok; hanging off the door is a "CLOSED" sign. Yates bangs on the door until we hear it unlock. Mr. Kim pokes his head out.
"Oh, wi herow ovvicers. What'a seems to be'a teh pwahblem?"
"Mr. Kim, we hear you've been illegally opening your City Wok restaurant in direct violation of health department recommendations."
"Wwwhhhaaa? Ovvicers, I assure you Shitty Wok eez a lahw ahbiding stablishmehnt. I wouhld nehv-"
"Look here, Mr. Kim, I have a hard job," Yates takes a sip from a cup of lemonade, "and the last thing I want to do when I get home is cook shit or microwave frozen shit. You let us in two or three times a day, we'll look the other way."
Mr. Kim looks side-to-side, then opens the door; he speaks loudly, "Oh, wi ohv course ovvicers - cohm een and do your safehty eenspehction!"
Yates looks around while Kim locks up. In a far corner a disheveled homeless person sips coffee and at a table elsewhere, Mr. Marsh waits.
"Can I get either of you something to dreenk while you/a wait?" Mr. Kim asks as he walks them to a table.
"No thanks, I just had a coffee," says Frank.
"I still have a cold cup of fresh lemonade," Yates replies.
"All whight, juhs'a take'a your seats ahnd I'll goh weep up sohm ahppetizers. Keenee! Take'a their ohrderzs!"
Kenny keeps pushing a cart on wheels with Marvin's food closer and closer.
"Closer. Closers. Clooossseeeerrr. Goddamnit - I'm handicap! Bring it to me."
"What's that about?" Frank asks Yates.
Yates looks over, "Oh, that's Marvin Marsh. Pulled out in front of me once; barely missed him. Demanded I finish the job. That nutjob has got a death wish or something. Don't look at him - he might come over here."
"Ay! You leave my Keenee alone! You cohm heer tew dahys now and harrass him. Dohn't'a make mee bahn you! Keenee - goh serveese out nehw custohmers!" Mr. Kim yells out.
"Finally!" Kenny dashes away.
"Dangnabbit," says Marvin.
Kenny grabs a couple of menus and hands them to the officers.
"Hey, how come you guys aren't wearing masks?" Kenny asks them two.
Yates replies back in an authoritative tone, "Because we're police officers, that's why."
"Oh. Would you like to try today's special?" Kenny asks them.
"What is it?" Frank asks.
"Bat soup," Kenny replies.
"Ewww, sounds awful. What's in it?" Yates asks.
"Horseshoe bat broth with a fresh horseshoe bat wing in it."
"Mother of God - what is wrong with Chinese people? Yates comments.
"Goddamnit, I'm Vietnamese," we hear Kim's faint voice from the back of the kitchen.
"We'll take two. You only live once, Frank. you know what I mean, kid?"
"Not really," Kenny replies and then walks off.
.
Mayor McDaniels stands outside a doorway entrance in her large house.
"Is it ready yet?" she asks.
"Almost, ma'am," says a man in a workman's suit.
"Ugh - that's what you said five minutes ago."
Johnson exits an elevator with Eric in tow.
"Mayor, Eric Cartman, scientists, here to see you."
"Ooph, Johnson - get back up there and be ready!"
"Sorry, your mayorness," he quickly re-enters the elevator.
"What do you want, Eric?" McDaniels asks in a slightly annoyed tone.
"Put this on your left shoulder," he hands her a pink-colored triangle.
"What does it mean?"
"It's just a color-coding scheme used to identify all the infected and un-infected M.O.R.o.N.S.; the pink one means you're special."
"Oh my, well, I'd certainly want to wear this; it's all pink and super."
"Ah huh," Eric chuckles lightly to himself.
A an exits the room.
"It's ready, ma'am. The honor is yours."
McDaniels walks up to the doorway and flips a power grid lever just like the one in the first "Ghostbusters" film. Lights cut on inside the room and the sounds of power humming is very audible.
McDaniels holds down the SEND button on a walkie-talkie and shouts, "Now! Now! Now!"
Eric looks in and sees a large room lite up brightly with white fluorescent bulbs and freezer after freezer along the walls.
"What's this?" Eric asks.
"It's my super-large walk-in freezer. Once we announced the entire town was quarantined and new deaths, I knew there's be food shortages, and, well, I kind of got what you might call a 'sweet tooth'; specifically for ice cream. And so I figured I might as well buy up what's in town before some dumb bastard snaps it up."
The elevator opens and her two aides push dollies filled up with boxes of ice cream.
"Unfortunately I bought everything in town but thankfully when Ben & Jerry's learned about our authoritarian and fascist approaches, they were more than thrilled to stock me up. Now I should have just enough to survive the epidemic. As long as it don't tell anybody and I don't share."
"I see..." Eric looks and thinks. "How deliciously out-of-touch."
"Put the plain vanilla and plain chocolate furthest away from the cooler door so I have faster access to the good stuff!" she shouts and points. She then looks at Eric and says, "Is there anything else?"
"Yes: Just how much power does the D.I.E.J.E.W.S. task force have?"
"Oh, gosh, I guess however much it takes to get the job done. Just keep in mind most of its budget is ... on ice right now. Ted - take the containers out of the box first! I'm sorry, apparently I'm going to have to micromanage this."
"That's okay. I have all I need," Eric turns around and waddles off.
.
A man sits at a bus stop; a small trolley stop and the doors open. He gets up and climbs up into the trolley and is instantly greeted by huffs of disgust, jeers and hisses by the passengers - all of whom are wearing masks, while the man is not.
"What an inconsiderate asshole!" a lady shouts.
"He's gonna kill us all!" a man exclaims.
"Look, folks, I just want to ride the bus. The dirty bus all of you are touching but aren't wearing rubber gloves."
There are boss and hisses.
"Could you all be respectful of my personal choice? Mask wearing is only a recommendation."
The bus driver texts quickly on his cellphone.
"What about respecting my choice to live?" another woman blurts out.
The mask-less man replies, "You're wearing a mask. Or are you saying you're wearing it just to cede to peer pressure?"
"Kick him off the bus!" a second man shouts.
"Can everyone calm down and act like rational and thinking adults?"
"NO!" the first woman shouts hysterically.
"Sir, why don't you just get off the bus," comments the bus driver.
Outside on the sidewalk Stan and Kenny watch the event unfold; trolley windows that are now open allow them to hear it all.
"Why? There's not sign indicating wearing a mask is mandatory. Are they?"
"No, sir, but maybe you should just go."
A police car screeches to a holt on the other side of the street.
Officer Barbrady steps into the bus. The bus driver points at the mask-less man.
"Sir, what seems to be the problem?" Barbrady asks the man.
"Oh, officer, thank goodness you're here. I'm being verbally assaulted and feel in danger of many of the bus patrons."
"No, I meant what seems to be your problem wearing a mask?" says Barbrady.
"Ahhh ... it's not required on the bus and it's only a recommendation city wide. Officer, what these people are doing fits the legal definition of assault."
"Don't tell me how to do my on-again/off-again job."
"You're not here to help me? Why aren't you all angry at him? He's not wearing a mask either!"
"Sir, why don't you get off the bus?"
"Because I've done nothing wrong."
Barbrady pulls out his baton, "Sir, get off the bus."
"What's my crime, officer?"
"Ignoring the orders of a law enforcement official," Barbrady approaches him.
"You have no legal authority; the encounter would have to have been from a stop, otherwise you're just bullying for the sake of getting your way."
"Last chance, serf."
"I am not in violation of the law and have the legal authority and societal justification to disobey unlawful orders. Read it - it's in the-"
Barbrady rams the baton into the man's stomach, causing the man to bend over in pain. Barbrady then steps around him and holds the baton horizontally against the man's neck and drags him out backwards.
The man gasps and gasps for air, shouting out short bits, "Help! Help! Police brutality! Help me! Police brutality!"
The man struggles with Barbrady once on the pavement. Barbrady releases the man and starts smacking him with the baton while bus patrons cheer it on and film it with their phones.
Barbrady stops to switch hands, "Oh, hey boys. I'm just breaking in my new club."
Stan looks on in horror as Barbrady beats the man over and over again.
"By the way, sir, I don't have to wear a mask - I'm a police officer."
"Jesus Christ!" Stan exclaims.
"Yes, my son - you called? Just keep in mind all prayer answering and miracles will be contact free," Jesus says threw his face mask.
Stan just stands there in stunned silence, his mouth agape.
.
Three days later. Butters and Dougie are at the park playing; both are wearing masks.
"Oh, gosh, you found me again. Why, I guess I'm just no good at this game."
"Butters, you hide behind the see-saw - not exactly a hard one," says Dougie.
"Well, I guess you're Tagged, you're it now," he slaps Dougie on the back.
Suddenly they hear a loud alarm which is identical sounding to the annoying repeating synth sound from the opening of the theme music from the old "Emergency!" TV series.
"Oh no! They're coming to get me because I didn't wash my hands after taking a wiz on out way here!" Butters exclaims.
"You just slapped me on the back," Dougie comments with a disgusted look on his face.
They look up and see a black-colored quad drone descending. On it two bright lights flash: one blue, one white. On the bottom it reads: Unity Flyer. Hanging down off it is a printed out cut-out of Dr. Fettuccine's head, with a speaker where his mouth would be.
"Greetings, boys, this is Dr. Fettuccine - 'South Park's Doctor' - of drone U.N. 2032. I noticed neither of you are social distancing as recommended by the city's Health Department and, most importantly, me - Dr. Fettuccine."
"Oh, well, we're both wearing out masks, so no worries," Butters responds back.
"Yes, but social distancing is strongly recommended. Also, you touched your friend there."
"I mean, if we can use the toilets anywhere, we should be able to pat each other on the back," says Butters.
"Well, you would think that," says Fettuccine, "but you're not a scientist - I am. Follow the science."
"Ah, science used to tell us the Earth was flat, the universe revolved around the Earth, and that we'd be well into a new ice age," says Dougie.
There's a brief silence before Fettuccine speaks up, "Well, boys, you'll socially distance unless you want people to die."
"Oh, no, I don't want people to die!" Butters exclaims in horror. He moves away from Dougie.
"Very good," says Fettuccine.
.
Six days later. Stan and Kenny stand on the side walk just outside the property, marked by barricades and Krautklinger watching like a hawk. Kenny holds up an iPod with Kyle's face on it via Face Time.
Stan is speaking: "...and after he spent like five minutes beating him with his baton while a bunch of 'tards cheered it on, he stripped the guy naked and performed a stripe search. I waited a few days, but nothing on the news. Nothing in the paper. Just stories about increasing counts of M.O.R.o.N.S.; it's like it never happened."
"Holy shit, dude. We got to stand up and do something. I just don't know what," says Kyle.
"Yeah, me neither. Though I do feel like a rebel going around without a mask. Wendy says it makes me sexier. How've you been?"
"Youtube videos, World of Warcraft even when alone, and I've kicked Ike so many times my foot hurts. You know, I'm happy to have all the extra gaming hours, but I still yearn to be free."
"Well, we're out here and we're still not free," Stan comments.
Eric pulls up in Timmy's taxi wagon; he hops out. Krautklinger slams his NAZI boots together and gives Eric the NAZI salute.
"Heil, Cartman!"
"Krautklinger, my good man, you are dismissed."
"Dasmizzed? But zeh Je-" he begins to point at the Broflovski residence.
Eric cuts him off, "I said you are disissed. Don't worry, task force leader - there will be more work to be done."
"Ah. Das god," he starts hauling off the barricades.
Eric approaches Stan and Kenny who are walking over since the barricdes are being removed, "Still not wearing a mask, I see, citizen Stan."
"What's going on?" Kyle asks via Face Time.
Eric looks at the iPad when Kenny turns it to face him," Citizen Kyle, I have good news: I've decided to lit the quarantine five days early."
"Really? Mom! Dad!" we hear Kyle's voice trail off when he runs away from his webcam.
"Oh, citizen Kenny, tell your dad he needs to shave his mutten chops; according to the CDC website, face hair is a hairy orgy center for the virus to grow." [[ATTN readers: No, really; the CDC has a graphic, too; Bart Simpsons tried to warn us about the beard-o's.]
"Ah huh," Kenny replies with a touch of apathy.
The front door opens and Kyle comes running out, with his parents just outside the door taking in the day and waving at Eric.
"Thanks, Eric!" says Kyle.
"Scientist Eric," Eric corrects.
"Why the change?" Kyle asks him.
"Oh, you could say I thought about it and common sense occurred to me."
"So, we can go anywhere?"
"Currently there are no restrictions. Citizen Kyle, you can go where ever you want."
.
Four days later.
Eric waddles up quickly to the podium and climbs up a little ladder so he can reach the microphone. Doctors' Fettuccine and Cesques are on his sides.
"Once again, thank you all for coming. You all remember Fettuccine and scarf lady."
"I got a new scarf," says Frank excitedly.
"Thrilling," Eric rolls his eyes, "Ladies and gentilemen ... another dead body."
Officer Barbrady drags over a black body bag and plops it next to the two from two weeks ago. There are cries of horror and shock.
"And I noticed some of you are still not wearing face masks. Free face masks..."
Almost everybody who wasn't wearing a face mask, raises their hand. Barbrady reaches into a box and picks up a container of face masks and begins walking around to hand them out.
"Dude, you're still not going to wear a face mask?" Kyle asks Stan.
"Have you ever worn a mask for any influenza seasons?"
"Aaahhh ... no, but this is different."
"How?"
"I don't know. But the science."
"More kids die from the strains of influenza each year than this, which as it stands, is zero children deaths based on the body bag sizes. Look at the CDC age grouping numbers."
"Huh," Kyle ponders.
"Any questions?" Eric asks after giving people time to panic at the sight of the body bags.
"Tom, channel four news. Were any of these people important?"
"No, Tom. Next question."
Kyle raises a hand.
"Yes, citizen Patient Zero."
"Um, what were these people's names?"
"Out of respect for privacy and the grieving of loved ones, all details are being kept confidential. Next question."
A lady speaks up in a fearful tone, "What could we have done to have avoided this?"
Fettuccine steps over to the mic', "Follow the science."
Fran then steps over, "Well, not necessarily. Tehehehe."
"Hush, Whatchamascarfit," Fettuccine shoots back.
Jimbo then speaks up," Yeah, Jimbo again. So, has the curve flattened? Are we opening up yet?"
"I regret to inform you all that the curve is raging like Bob Dole on Viagra in an old folks home. South Park will remain closed for another two weeks.
People start crying and some babble.
Another random lady breaks out in tears and throws her arms around her husband, "Oh, Steven! We'll have to close the business!"
"And liquidate it. But all the money will go toward paying overdue bills and taxes. In another month ... we may have to sell the house."
She cries in his arms.
Eric continues, "And the following businesses are ordered closed and therefore not essential: Home improvement stores, titty bars - lap dances at six feet are just not feasible."
"Titties, tehehehe," Fran blurts out.
"CVS but not the Walgreens across from it, and the police station - at least the lobby for the public. Also effective immediately, boats with motors are banned for use, but boats without motors are okay. And any store selling home improvement supplies must rope off those areas and deny the sale of said supplies. In a week from now or less, we hope to announce major news."
Kyle's eye twitches.
"I don't know why it keeps doing that," says Kyle to Stan.
"Oh! Oh!" Tom shakes on his thrill-filled leg, "Tom, channel-"
"Channel four news - we know. Questions are over, Tom."
"Can you at least give us a hint what it's in relation to:
"You know hat? Yes I can. I hope to unveil a major announcement from the D.I.E.J.E.W.S. task force."
Dramatic music build.
Fran: "Tehehehe."