Disclaimer: Hoggy, Unfoggy and Monty too, J.K. Rowling owns all of you!
(Confunded? Read on and you will understand)

About formatting:
For direct quotes I use italicized font.
Instead of footnotes I use double bold parentheses: (-( footnote text )-)

CHAPTER 5
Monty, the book with a spine ... and fangs and claws

Chapter summary:
Girl loves books.
Books love her back.
Snake attacks girl.
Books save girl.
Happy End.

Curses were flying around.
Forces of Light were fighting Forces of Dark.
Hermione was in front row, throwing curses (and hexes) left and right (and diagonally), unaware that Nagini was coming at her from behind ('behind' as direction, NOT as body part).

Meanwhile in the deep recesses of her beaded bag her beloved books held a conference ...

It started when Unfoggy (aka "Unfogging the Future", aka Divination Textbook) suddenly wailed,
- Why our Reader does not love me the same way she loves all of you-u-u-u?
- She would not listen to me; she ignores my prediction of impending do-o-o-o-o-m!

- You know what I was doing last 10 minutes?
- I was shuffling my words again and again and they always come out the same way:
- BEWARE THE SERVANT GODDESS!
(-( Nagini is Voldemort's servant and also a deity in Hinduism and Buddhism )-)
- Oh, by Merlin's ulcer, what will happen to us?

"How about you shut up?" pleasantly suggested Hoggy (aka "Hogwarts, a History"),
- For the sake of Merlin's runny nose! We don't need any more of your tantrums.
- Let's discuss it in a civilized way.

- First, we should elect a chairbook … I mean, elect me as a chairbook … Thanks.
(Hoggy, being Reader's favorite, had election in the bag)

- Our agenda today is: 'How to save our beloved Reader?'
- Anybody, any idea?

Celesty (aka "Celestial Charts and Cycles", aka Astronomy Textbook) raised her bookmark.
When given the floor, she declared in misty voice, "Serpens is bright tonight. Unusually bright."
(-( Serpens (The Snake) is a constellation of the northern hemisphere )-)

"Thank you," said Hoggy with a sigh. All other books politely nodded. They knew better than argue with Celesty, when she was in the centaur-like mood.

Monty (aka "Monster Book of Monsters", aka Care of Magical Creatures Textbook) growled,
- Oh, by Merlin's hangover, let me just rip that big juicy worm.
(Monty was very brave … and had sharp claws. That's why books always treated him with respect)

"OK," commanded Hoggy, "Make room, make room, Monty is taking care of it."
"But," said Monty, "I also require help from you, Spelly and you, Quiddy."
I am sure you all guessed correctly who were Spelly and Quiddy.
Spelly - "The Standard Book of Spells", grade … e-e-err, let's say 'grade 9 and 3/4', OK?
And Quiddy, of course - "Quidditch Through the Ages"!

All fighters covered their ears as the loud roar erupted from the bag, "ENGORGIO MAXIMA!"
Then they saw something so interesting that stopped all their stupid duels at once.

An enormous book emerged flying out of the bag.
The golden snitch on its cover was merrily fluttering its wings and the book was waving its pages like hippogriff's wings.

And on the top of it rode another book – half-opened huge book, looking like a predatory maw.
With a whooshing sound they dashed through the air and dived down in front of Nagini.
At the last moment the flying book pulled out, letting the fanged book smoothly slide down to the ground.

All Quidditch fans on the battlefield (Light and Dark alike) gasped in awe.
- Wow!
- By Merlin's left foot gout!
- That was some Wronski Feint!
Such cries could be heard everywhere.

Monty snarled at Nagini.
Nagini hissed at Monty.
They both bared their teeth.
The epic Book-vs.-Snake duel began.

The duel did not last for long.
Just long enough for Daily Prophet reporter to land nearby and prepare his camera.
As soon as Monty saw that reporter is ready, he attacked in earnest.

He jumped on the top of snake and gripped its neck tight with his claws.
Nagini shook its head, trying in vain to knock off the book.
But Monty was bigger, stronger and fiercer.

More importantly, Monty was motivated by desire to protect his Reader, in other words – by love.
And Nagini was motivated by Voldemort, in other words – by hate.
And in fiction Love always wins.
Monty opened his binding like jaws …

The horcrux inside Nagini tried its usual drivel,
- I have seen your Heart … err-m, I mean your Table of Contents, and it is mine. I have seen your dreams, Great Monster of Books …
That's how far it got.

Monty, being not some sissy wizard, put a quick stop to this bullshit.
He bit off the snake's head.
And swallowed it.
And licked his lips.

Of course, horcrux died with the snake.
Because, of course, Monty's fangs were impregnated with basilisk venom.

(What? You did not know that?
Just think.
Where Hermione carried all her books? – In her beaded bag.
And where did she carry Gryffindor's Sword? – In her beaded bag!
And Gryffindor's Sword was impregnated with what? Basilisk venom!
It is called 'logic'.)

Later the book got a gift from his Reader – new dust jacket with new title, printed in gold letters:
"MONTY, Python Slayer".
(Muggle-born understood the allusion).

NO BOOKS WERE RIPPED APART during the writing of this story.

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