The Critical Mew

by Daggett19

Inspired by the Nostalgia Critic. Being forced into the reviewing job after getting on Arceus' bad side, the newbie reviewer, the Critical Mew, does reviews on fanfictions, fancomics, television shows, movies, video games and even books. With a fun cast of characters, hilarious guest stars and obstacles to overcome, see the Critical Mew become a experienced critic! Or maybe not.

5. Episode 5: Disney Villain Spawn

(A/N: So, same as before, this review might be short. It's not due to lack of information or research, this time. It's due to there not really that much written information for this review. Plus, this review is more of a compare and contrast sort of review than it is an actual review. Regardless, I hope you enjoy the review, since I thought this deserves some credit.)

A trio of glowing dots looked at the readers.

Critical Mew, looking for you

The glowing dots split into the Regi Trio.

Critical Mew, where are you?

The Critical Mew flies in, wearing a trench coat and a hat, giving the readers a wink.

Come on, Mew, where you been?

The Critical Mew took off the trench coat and used Transform, becoming a king, a dame with blonde hair, a waiter and an Elvis impersonator.

Trouble's on the loose again

A mysterious figure showed up, trying to crush Mew with a sandbag, only to narrowly miss. He looked behind him to the embodiment of stress, who proceeded to chase him to a door of things to review, which began to do the Thriller hip movements.

(Mew)

They're not gonna get you

(Critical Mew)

The Regi Trio went in a protective circle in front of Mew, protecting him.

Uh uh, the Regi Trio's gonna help you

(Mew)

Mew was in a barrel full of toys, deciding to peek out only for the floor to break under him, causing him to grab a loose floorboard with his tail.

Ooh, the comment's gonna be there

Registeel jumped on the floorboard, launching Mew into the air. Regice and Regirock caught Mew in their arms.

And the readers too

The Critical Mew floated past Lavender Town, only for the ghost of Marowak to appear, scaring him away.

Critical Mew, looking for you

Mew was surrounded by loads of Ghost and Dark-Type Pokemon, all about to ambush him.

Critical Mew, where are you?

Only for the Regi Trio to attack them all, saving Mew as they head back to the Tree of Beginning.

Mew, Critical Mew

Mew

The stuff to be reviewed danced once again, doing the Thriller hip moves.

Critical Mew

Mew

A pair of eyes zoom out, showing Mew and the Regi Trio with the Tree of Beginning in the background.

Critical Mew!

The Critical Mew-Season One

Episode 5: Disney Villain Spawn by WhiteFangKakashi300

Alternative Title: The Good Disney's Descendants!

Tree of Beginning, Kanto Region

Mew was floating in front of his table, frowning at the cover for the Disney's Descendants trilogy before throwing it away via Psychic.

"Can't believe that franchise destroyed any chances of more Ever After High content. So, who prepared to dive into Deviantart?" Mew asked, turning on his Google Chromebook.

All the Pokémon that lived in the Tree of Beginning screamed in fear as they scattered.

"Wow, and to think, from your browser history, you all were okay with it," Mew deadpanned, before looking at the camera.

"Yeah, I know that some of the people on Deviantart have some weird...fetishes, but that doesn't reflect on the entire website or even people who put their art on there so people can see. Heck, they have the Mature setting for a reason so you wouldn't have to stumble upon it. But that's not the reason why I'm talking about Deviantart.

"I'm talking about the good Disney's Descendants, made by one female on Deviantart." Mew said, waiting for someone to get the hint.

However, all that happened was a tumbleweed flying by, which almost rarely happened.

"Seriously? No one?" Mew asked, starting to get a bit dejected.

Suddenly, Regice popped out of the tumbleweed.

"For our entertainment, along with yours, Disney Villain Spawn made by WhiteFangKakashi300!" Regice said, firing off the party poppers.

Soon, Mew and Regice started cheering as a banner dropped down, with words that read, 'Congratulations, WhiteFangKakashi300, on making a better Disney's Descendants than the actual Disney version!'

"You're in the big leagues like Crystal Rose of Pollux, ScrabbleReader, memime and PKM-150!" Mew stated.

"Here's to more of your content!" Regice said.

"So, you're wondering what we meant by this statement, huh? Well, let's start with how WhiteFangKakashi300 improves the whole concept of Disney characters and their kids, similar to how Crystal Rose of Pollux fixed the whole 13 Curses of Scooby-Doo by making a second season to the 13 Ghosts of Scooby-Doo." Mew said.

"First off, let's compare and contrast Disney's Descendants and WhiteFangKakashi300's works." Regice said.

"Yeah, let's start with that. As everyone knows, in Disney's Descendants, Belle and Adam became rulers of Auradon by just telling every Disney character, whose movies supposedly take place at the same time as Beauty and the Beast, to unite and make Auradon. At the same time, Adam convinces the Fairy Godmother to resurrect any dead villain, or round up any alive, but defeated, villains and their minions and send them to the Isle of the Lost. Oh, and they sent Hades there too, because Zeus was A-Ok with sending his brother away.

"After all that was said and done, they put a barrier around the island, preventing the villains from escaping, from using magic and worse of all, from using the internet!" Mew said as the music from the shower scene in Psycho played in the background.

"Afterwards, Adam made a proclamation that no one in Auradon should use magic and was willing to let the kids suffer the sins of their parents. Major bummer, dude." Regice said.

"Exactly, until Adam and Belle's son, Ben, decided to let four kids of the most dangerous villains come to Auradon. And those four villains are: Jafar, Cruella De Vil, The Evil Queen, and Maleficent. And you know the rest of that story. Somehow, this plot works, given how Ben and Mal are getting their royal wedding this summer!" Mew shouted.

"Not to mention realistically, the VKs, Villain Kids for short, should be evil instead of having conflicting morals. I mean, it would've worked if their parents had an ounce of caring or even were chill parents to begin with, but the films show otherwise. Plus, the villains are complete jokes anyway, so why are they feared?" Regice pointed out.

"I know. Ursula isn't nightmare fuel, Hades...well, he was a car salesman at one point, so it wouldn't be surprising that he and Miley Cyrus would collaborate at some point, Jafar is just fat, Maleficent is a complete joke, the Evil Queen is just a stereotypical fashion freak, and that's just the villains from the films! None of them that showed up in the books aren't even them anymore and most of the villains that could've been scary aren't even in the films or the books! And even worse, they've probably used the Chest of Demons on Chernabog, only for Vincent to give them a refund after Chernabog broke out! And they still haven't given him the refund, those greedy corporate soulless-" Mew began ranting, shaking his cute fists.

"Mew, remember the last time you let your anger get the best of you, man. You not only fought Mewtwo, you also stoned a ten year old. Chill," Regice said, patting Mew on the head, which calmed him down.

"Yeah, you're right." Mew said simply.

"Now, let's see if WhiteFangKakashi300 can fix the mess Disney left in its wake," Regice said.

"THIS IS A CHALLENGE!" Registeel shouted, bursting through a door that randomly appeared out of nowhere.

"...When did we get a door?" Mew asked.

"For this joke. Anyways, let's see what Registeel has to do." Regice said.

"MORTAL KOMBAT!" Registeel shouted, fighting every Mortal Kombat character...and winning.

"And people wanted Shaggy to be in the next game? I think they should be petitioning for Registeel instead," Mew said.

"Agreed," Regice said as Registeel started roaring like Kiryu.

"Yep, he has lost it. Anyways, distracting jokes aside, it's time to see WhiteFangKakashi300's version of the Disney Villains and see if she got them covered." Mew said.

"First off, it's Chernabog who brought back the Disney Villains and brought them to the Shadowlands, where he ranked them by how well they did when they were alive, as well as how immoral they were.

"However, the only problem with that ranking system is the fact Ursula isn't part of the Black Orlov rank, due to how she did technically ruled over the seas by blackmailing Triton to give his life to keep Ariel from becoming part of Ursula's polyp garden, Ursula had caused many people to lose their souls, some of them might had died, and she is magically gifted, so she fulfilled all three requirements. Heck, Zira should've lost her spot to Ursula, since the giant sea witch was planning on stabbing Ariel with the giant trident, which would've killed her if Eric didn't kill her., while Zira's plans of Kovu murdering Simba went nowhere, she didn't kill anyone herself, she's not magically gifted and her plans of killing both Simba and Kiara didn't come close to succeeding at all." Regice said.

"I know. Heck, I'm surprised Maleficent is on the top rank since she only cursed Aurora because she wasn't invited to the latter's christening, she didn't murder anyone at all and she plans on letting Phillip leave when he's 100, so her spell would've been undone regardless. So, in a way, she's a stay-at-castle person who sends her own minions to find Aurora rather than, I don't know, find the naive princess herself! At least people go to Ursula and not the other way around." Mew points out.

"So, to explain the ranking system, along with our personal opinions, it goes like this: the Black Orlov is the highest rank for those who are magically gifted, had murdered one or more people, or almost succeeded with their plans, i.e., Ursula, Jafar, Scar, Gaston, and, Syndrome, given how he murder tons of superheroes and almost succeeded with his plans to be more famous than the Incredibles.

"Then there's the second highest rank, the Dark Prince Ruby, for those who were strong, clever, or powerful but were still thwarted or their deeds are not as easily remembered by heroes, i.e., Maleficent, Zira, Dr. Faciller, Gothel, and Judge Frollo, given how the sequel never mentions him once.

"Then there's the third rank, the Sancy Diamond, for those whose deeds can make their chances better or worse, depending on said deeds, but they are not as powerful and those above them and constantly get thwarted by heroes in their tales, i.e., Captain Hook, Cruella De Vil, Lady Tremaine, and Oogie Boogie.

"And then there's the second to last rank, the Regent Diamond, which are for those that are dubbed to weak villains with weak motivations or twist villains who were seen doing more good deeds than bad, i.e, Hans, Dawn Bellwether, and Morgana.

"Finally, we had the final rank, the worst of them all: the Hope Diamond, for those who are not viewed as the weakest in Chernabog's eyes, but also too nice for their own good or are very weak in magic, strength, and inelegance, i.e, Marina Del Rey, Prince John, and Edgar." Regice explained, sipping cold water casually.

"And of course, their kids can move up or down this rank system by leveling up!" Mew exclaimed as a RPG level-up music played in the background.

"That's right. But before we get to the kids, it's time for an ad break." Regice said.

"Yeah, you need one after that lengthy explanation," Mew said as he and Regice went towards the break room.

"In the absence of Registeel, due to him still fighting in Mortal Kombat, I, Regirock, shall play today's commercial," Regirock said, playing the ad.

(Cue instrumental version of the theme song)

This episode is brought to you by-

"MORTAL KOMBAT! Registeel interrupted the voice.

"YOU ALL ASKED FOR SHAGGY ROGERS IN THE NEXT MORTAL KOMBAT GAME?! SCREW THAT, BECAUSE I'M THE ONE WHO WILL BEAT THEM ALL UP!"

Cue a montage of Registeel defeating Mortal Kombator after Mortal Kombator, using Hyper Beams and Shock Waves as Fatalities on them.

It cuts back to Registeel, who had just beaten Shao Khan.

"Please, let me live, and I'll let you have control over-"

"I OWN ALL THE WORLDS!" Registeel shouted, crushing Shao Khan while laughing like a complete maniac.

Now at your local Burger Ki-

Wait, we're not supposed to advertise Burger King anymore?! Why not?! Oh, because of those toys. Well-

*Static appear on screen before it shows a broadcast*

We now cut back to our regularly scheduled review. Thanks, Registeel.

*Screen fades to black*

(Cue instrumental version of the theme song)

"...That was dark. Really dark, and I think Registeel should get some therapy." Mew said.

"Agreed," Regice said, his cup shattered on the floor from shock of seeing the ad.

"And I'm going to throw up," Regirock said, vomiting up rocks, over the side of the Tree of Beginning.

Mew and Regice gave Regirock a dumbfounded look, only to vomit over the side of the Tree of Beginning themselves.

Ten minutes later

"Ugh, those were the worst ten minutes of my life," Mew said.

"I know, dude. So, to get rid of that, let's get back to the review," Regice said.

"Agreed." Mew said, before looking at the camera once again.

"So, now it's time to compare and contrast the villains, their kids and how close they are to one another," Mew said.

"In Disney's Descendants, the parents or grandparents, in Lady Tremaine and Queen Leah's case, were debatable with raising the kids in the films. Sometimes, the kids have a good relationship with their parents, but mostly they don't. However, I guess the kids don't love their relatives that much if they go with the whole, 'we are different than our parents, so we can make the same decisions as them, but better!'" Regice said.

Logic! Logic! Logic! Logic! Log-

The logic system blew up.

"Well, guess Disney's Descendants destroyed the logic system, just like Swan Princess destroying physics." Mew said.

Physics! Physics! Physics!

*Scene in question is Derek holding onto Swan Odette while a rope that gets longer the more it used hits the side of Clavius's lair*

"Are we ever going to explain how far that rope stretched?" Regice asked.

"Nope. Because Richard Rich never explained it either," Mew said.

"Noted," Regice commented.

"Anyways, in WhiteFangKakashi300's Villain Spawn, the Disney Villains raised their kids surprisingly well, especially in the case of Ursula, Maleficent, and the Horned King. Ursula, well, you already see how well she turned out," Mew said.

Ursula (Deep voice and giant): Now I am the ruler of all the ocean! The waves obey my every whim!

"And with the Horned King, well, watch The Black Cauldron for yourself. Heck, Maleficent cursed a freaking infant, and yet she's a good parent. Then again, if Godzilla can be a good father to Minilla, Junior and a good uncle to Godzooky, then it shouldn't be surprising for the villains to be actual, caring parents." Mew said, before realizing something.

"Wait, if Godzilla can take care of three kids from his own species, then he could babysit for Japan, charging money and destroying Japan via capitalism!" Mew shouted in horror.

"He's taking Gamera's job! The fiend!" Regice said.

"But we're not here to discuss Godzilla Vs. Gamera, we're discussing what Disney Villain Spawn did right," Mew said, getting things back on track.

"Oh, right. So, not only are the Disney Villains actual parents, but their kids actually love them. Though, sometimes the kids have some serious sibling rivalry," Regice said, before coughing, though it suspiciously sounded like "Siegfried".

"Yeah, that guy has some serious issues with his siblings." Mew said, before remembering something.

"Also another thing that WhiteFangKakashi300 does in Family Across Stories, which combines the Disney's Descendants children and the kids from Villain Spawn into the same family tree, depending on their parents. Well, excluding Gothel's case, since we have Ginny Gothel and Cassandra from Tangled: The Series. What's funny is both Hades and Maleficent's childrens from Villain Spawn agrees on one point: Mal is bipolar, given how she acts throughout the franchise." Mew said, bursting into laughter.

"While our host is laughing, another thing WhiteFangKakashi300 does right is not only showing how much the villains care for their kids, but also how she kept the continuity of some of the films, dudes." Regice said.

"Exactly. For example, when the villains were hexed by something one night into perceiving their loved ones as their sworn enemies. In normal cases, this wouldn't work since the villains never cared for anyone but themselves, but since they actually loved their kids, this whole things not only proves they are better than how Disney's Descendants presents them, but also could've been their undoing if their kids hadn't went to the Horned King, who is the only one immuned. Not because he doesn't care for his son, but because he doesn't have the capacity to feel love.

"However, not all managed to get to the Horned King alive or unscathed. Nyama, one of the only two kids of those carnotaurus from Dinosaur, was killed by his parents and Damu had to escape. And Princeton, the son of Dawn Bellwether, got shot with a Night Howler bullet by his mother, which caused him to go savage. The Horned King and his son, Seth, temporarily fixed it so that it would only come out in stressful situations and Dawn is concerned about the whole thing, since she only knows for the Night Howler to work on predators. Meaning that Judy Hopps never told her about how the Night Howler can affect prey as well after the events of Zootopia." Mew explained.

"Our heroes, dudes and dudettes, Major buzzkills," Regice deadpanned.

"Anyways, that's it for this review. While yes, we do think some villains should have gotten better treatment than others, WhiteFangKakashi300 did a great job fixing Disney's Descendants. I'm the Critical Mew and I review these things so you don't have to! Oh, and listen to Regice once in a while, he knows the best content when he puts in a request." Mew said, before flying off.

"Glad he enjoyed my requests," Regice said.

"I know, right?!" Registeel asked, finally done with his Mortal Kombat rage.

"Well, I know what he should do next." Regirock said.

"What?" Regice asked.

Regirock showed his brothers a poster of a Cartoon Network show, a show that involves a teenage Gem-hybrid and his three Gem guardians.

"Dude, really?" Regice asked.

"What? I don't see the problem." Regirock said, dumbfounded by the reaction.

"No one wants to hear anything negative about this show! In a way, you just found a way for all of us to die, starting with the one who's going to review this!" Registeel shouted.

"Come on, you're both being overdramatic. Why would people be so sensitive about this show about a boy and three women with magical rocks on their bodies?" Regirock asked.

"...You're requesting a review and you haven't seen the entire show at all?" Regice asked.

"No. I'm still in the first 10 episodes of the series," Regirock admitted.

"We're completely and utterly doomed." Registeel said.

"Agreed," Regice said.

Suddenly, a whole lot of weapons were pointed at the Regi Trio.

"Oh," Regirock said in a horrified tone, realizing his mistake as the weapons fired at the Regi Trio.

Next time: Steven Universe Part 1(Season 1-3)

Credits:

The New Scooby-Doo and Scrappy-Doo Show

Disney's Descendants

WhiteFangKakashi300's Disney Villain Spawn

WhiteFangKakashi300's Families Across Stories

The Little Mermaid

Mortal Kombat

Bobsheaux's Swan Princess 2 and 3 Review

Godzilla franchise