The Totally Awesome Invincible Deadpool
Chapter 5: No Way Home (NO NOT THAT)
"Well, I suppose we both knew it would come to this. Me falling from space, landing in an ocean, with my bottom half missing. Or was that a wet dream only I get?" asked Deadpool, as his body floated in the ocean, towards a beach.
"Well what do you know? Land!" shouted Wade, as he used his arms to wade towards the beach. The onlookers all seemed surprised as they saw Deadpool and only his arms crawl up onto the beach. Many screamed and ran away.
"Hey, come on! Whatever happened to great power and great responsibility. Sheesh," said Deadpool. His hind legs were regenerating again, and they were the size of an 8 year old's.
Deadpool managed to stand up, but wasn't able to run a lot since his legs couldn't support his weight. He ran up to the Coast Guard who was called.
"Hey, where on God's cruel Earth am I?" asked Deadpool.
"Que carajo eres tu?" asked the man.
"Uhhh….Dónde estoy?" asked Deadpool.
"Estás en Guadalajara. Pero que eres tu?" asked the guard.
"I'm in Guadalajara!? Ah what the ever living fuck!" cursed Deadpool, as he walked away with his stubby legs. As he waddled away, he took out his phone, only to find it was broken.
"Should've kept a Nokia," he thought, as he got off the beach and onto the street. However, just as he walked onto the street he got hit by a car. He rolled down the street as the driver got out in panic, thinking he hit a baby.
"Watch where you're fucking driving, dipshit! There could be babies crossing the road anytime!" yelled Deadpool, much to the man's confusion as to what the fuck the creature he hit was.
People took out their phones and started to film the little Deadpool, as he got on his feet and walked down the footpath, avoiding people's legs hoping he doesn't get kicked.
"Never thought I'd say this but why are your legs so long?!" asked Deadpool, and people shrieked as he ran past them. While he was running, he managed to pickpocket a person, and take their phone. The person yelled as they started going after Deadpool.
"Listen I know what this looks like, but I just gotta call a friend!" reasoned Deadpool, as he crossed the street and ran however fast his small legs could take him. The man chasing him started to cross the street, only to get hit by a taxi.
The man tumbled down the street and was a mangled mess of bones and flesh. Deadpool winced a little.
"He'll feel that in the morning," said Deadpool, as he managed to make a break for it amidst all the chaos.
Deadpool managed to make his way to La Primavera forest, and he quickly dialed a number. It went to voicemail.
"Warren? Hey it's Wade. I kinda need your help. I'm stuck with the legs of a twelve year old and I'm in the middle of the forest in Mexico. I know it sounds like something that could happen from The Hangover 4, but I fell from space and landed in the water and…okay fuck it, just come to La Primavera in Guadalajara," said Deadpool.
"Now while I'm here wanking myself with the dick of a pre-pubescent tween, Regent is out there kidnapping more and more heroes. Man you really wanted me to hit rock bottom, eh Shadow Strike?" asked Deadpool, as he sat on a rock.
"Maybe, this is the character arc for you?"
"The fuck do you mean? Pretty sure my character arc was to be a better hero, not to be stranded in a forest with baby legs!" whined Deadpool like a baby.
"Hey just because I have baby legs does not make me a baby! And oh brother, should I tell them about 2011?!" threatened Deadpool.
"No WAIT WAIT!"
"ShadowStrike peed in his pants while in the first period of class, and he didn't bother changing them for the rest of the day!" snitched Deadpool.
"Oh you motherfucker. I was six! And what about the time when you thought you were getting a blowjob from Mystique, but it turned out to be Toad who was sucking your dick with his long tongue all along!"
"That never fucking happened! Where did that even come from?!" asked Deadpool, bewildered.
"It didn't happen. But I sure as fuck can make it canon! For once, the rich white man is not in control!"
"Do it, I dare you! I double dare you! In fact, Shadow Strike here has been rejected by three girls in the span of three years!"
"You son of a duckfucking bitch! You got sodomized by Sabretooth! Making that canon too!"
"That's it! Fuck you!"
"Double fuck you!"
"Triple fuck you!"
"Fuck you infinite plus one!"
"Fuck you infinite plus infinite!"
"Fuck you infinite times 2!"
"Isn't that the same thing?!"
"I don't fucking care!"
"You know what, I don't need you! Fucking pussy,"
"Yeah well I guess you are what you eat! No wonder you're such a dick!"
"AAAAAGGGHHH!" said Deadpool, as he quit the argument.
Just as Deadpool could go eat a bag of dicks, a figure appeared in the sky. The figure had large white wings.
"Lucifer? Is that you?" asked Deadpool.
The figure landed on the ground to reveal a mess of blond hair and a blue and white suit, with the angelic looking wings.
"Oh it's you, Angel. I would say it's good to see you, but then again the only person named Angel i met up with was at a strip club, and let's just say I don't think my dick has healed yet," joked Deadpool.
"And I would ask what you're doing here in Mexico, with a very underdeveloped lower half, but then I remembered it's you," joked Angel, as they both chuckled. Angel extended a hand and Deadpool grabbed onto it.
"Good to see you too, Wade," said Angel, as he took off, Deadpool holding onto his arm.
"So how the Hell did you end up in Mexico?" asked Angel, as they approached New York.
"Long story. Basically there's this Spider-Man villain who showed up in like Amazing Spider-Man: Renew Your Vows Vol 1, and he is basically in this story because that dickless buffoon Shadow Strike decided to add him here and-"
"Wade. Explain without your schizophrenia if you can," requested Angel.
"Basically he's this rich guy who is also secretly running an operation from a place underneath his base of operations. And no, this is not Batman. It's Augustus Roman, the guy who owns The Cellar. He's kidnapping heroes and villains and taking their powers for himself," said Deadpool.
"Wait, what?! Augustus Roman?" asked Angel, shocked.
"Yeah. He's calling himself Regent. Sounds like the name you give a superhero in a Superman porn parody," commented Deadpool.
"So that's where they're going missing! A week ago, Professor X told me that some mutants went missing. And just recently, it was on the news that The Fantastic Four were also under attack," replied Angel.
"Fuck, no one is safe. Angel, I need you to do me favour. Drop me off at Central Park," said Deadpool.
"We can't go there, it's under lockdown. Something about a group called the Sinister Six*," replied Angel.
(*Season 4 Episode 10 of The Invincible Spider-Man!)
"Goddamnit. I need to get to Blind Al. Can you…discreetly…drop me off at the Upper West Side. I'll make my way from there," said Deadpool.
"Sure. But you have to be careful," said Angel.
"Relax, my legs are back to normal and- ah fuck!" said Deadpool, pointing at a fighter jet coming towards them, with the insignia of The Cellar.
"We have Warren Worthington…and Wade Wilson! What do we do?" asked the pilot.
"Get them both," said Regent through the communications device.
Suddenly, two more jets showed up from behind Angel.
"Wade, you gotta jump!" said Angel.
"There is no fucking way I am letting you get taken by these assfucks!" said Deadpool, as he climbed onto Angel's back and took out a katana, throwing it straight through a turbine of one of the jets.
The jet started to nosedive down towards the ground as the pilot ejected out of his seat and pulled his parachute. Deadpool however began to shoot the parachute, causing the pilot to fall to his death.
"Readying the tasers!" said the second jet, but Deadpool jumped from Angel's back and straight onto the jet. He broke open the windshield.
"I…am so fucking sick…and tired…of you…vaginal swabs!" shouted Deadpool, making a shish kebab out of the pilot. As he turned around, he noticed Angel getting tased.
"Warren!" shouted Wade, as Angel fell unconscious. The jet shot out a net and captured him.
Before Wade could do anything, the jet he was on started to plummet down towards the ground. Wade jumped off of it and violently hit the edge of a rooftop, before bouncing off of it and hitting the wall of an alleyway. Bouncing off of that he landed on a fire escape and tumbled off of that down to the ground.
Deadpool regained consciousness as he started to get back up, pushing his bones back into place
"They do heal, but it sure hurts like Hell…" said Deadpool, as he walked out of the alleyway. The streets were empty, and just then he heard a noise. Instinctively he hid back in the alleyway.
Two of Regent's guards walked across the street, looking for Deadpool.
"Bravo team here, no sign of priority target," said one of the guards over his communication.
"He is somewhere over there, reroute to Alpha team," said the guard over the comms. The streets were completely empty, which meant that the guards could be anywhere.
Deadpool quickly ran behind the guards and hid behind a chunk of concrete. The guards took a left and disappeared.
"Where the fuck in New York am I?" asked Deadpool, looking for signs as to where he was. He stealthily walked down the street, only to spot a group of 4 guards walking his way. Deadpool quickly hid behind a wall.
Somehow, the guards must have had terrible peripheral vision, as they completely missed him. It was also at that moment that Deadpool realized he didn't have his katanas, or handguns.
He quickly took a right and walked down, when all of a sudden, an electronic billboard shone a message.
"WANTED FUGITIVE: DEADPOOL/ WADE WILSON" said the billboard, with a picture of Deadpool, and a phone number to contact the people in The Cellar.
"Seriously? Little overkill," commented Deadpool. He walked and took another left, when all of a sudden a large APC showed up, courtesy of the Cellar.
"We have eyes on the target. Target does not seem armed!" said the driver, as he started to drive towards Deadpool.
"Goddamnit!" said Deadpool, as he started to run the other way. The APC started to open fire with a gatling gun, spraying bullets on the street. Deadpool, now riddled with bullet holes, ducked into an alleyway, but the APC followed.
"Alright, fuck this!" cursed Deadpool, running out of the alleyway and staring down the APC, which drove straight towards him. However, just as Deadpool was ready to punch the windshield, a web came out of nowhere and pulled down the gatling gun. Deadpool jumped through the windshield and punched the driver, tumbling out and coming face to face with Spider-Man.
"Parker! Oh it's great to see you!" said Deadpool, feeling relieved.
"Wade, what the Hell is going on? I heard turret fire, and suddenly you were on every billboard on Times Square as a fugitive!" replied Spider-Man, looking for explanation.
"Alright listen. I can't exactly tell you because this conversation is going to repeat in your story, and Shadow Strike doesn't wanna give spoilers for my story!" explained Deadpool.
Spider-Man looked perplexed. "Just stay safe, and try not to destroy New York in the process," said Peter.
"Yeah. WAIT! Where in New York am I, right now? I sort of fell from the sky when being carried by Angel," explained Deadpool.
"You're in Greenwich. Upper West Side is north of here," said Spider-Man, wishing Deadpool good luck and swinging away.
"Good reunion," thought Deadpool, as he continued down the street, and noticed a taxi, with the driver sitting in it and listening to music.
"Fuck yes!" he said as he ran towards the taxi door, which was locked. Deadpool smashed the driver's seat window and pulled the guy out.
"Really really sorry for GTA V'ing you! But I need your car!" said Deadpool, starting the engine.
"Wait no, the gold!-" started the man, but Deadpool started to drive away.
"Gotta get to Al's Nightclub in the Upper West Side. Shouldn't be too far and-OH GODDAMNIT!" cursed Wade, as he saw another APC drift out of a lane and drive behind Deadpool and his car.
"Target is in a vehicle, missiles being deployed, over!" said the driver, as the grenade launched on the top of the APC shot out grenades. Deadpool swerved down the road and into another lane, while the APC followed. For some reason, the trunk of the car felt really heavy.
"Okay then," said Wade, as he looked at the backseat and found a block of something there.
"Got it!" he said, as he grabbed the heavy thing and placed it on the brake pad. As the car slowed down, Deadpool got on the roof of the car and jumped onto the APC. He got to the roof and pulled out the grenade launcher.
"Hasta la Vista, rectal swab!" he said as he shot a grenade straight through the windshield, and the APC swerved into a park, overturning. Deadpool jumped off as soon as the APC exploded, as its parts went flying.
Deadpool started to run out of the park, dodging all the debris flying his way as he made his way out of the park.
Wade fell to his knees and was panting heavily, when he heard multiple assault rifles cocking in front of him. He looked up to see fifteen guards aiming their assault rifles at him. 5 were at his left, 5 were in front of him, and 5 were at his right.
Deadpool sighed, as he lunged at a guard on the right, and kicked away two others. He grabbed the guard's assault rifle and ran back into the park, taking cover behind one of the APC' parts.
"Time to Frank Castle this bitch," he said, as started to aim at the guards with the rifle, hitting only headshots. However, one of the guards aimed at a flammable piece of debris near Wade, which exploded and sent Deadpool flying away and straight into the swings.
The swings were old and broken, and the broken metal pole stabbed Deadpool straight through his abdomen.
"Ahhhh fuck," groaned Deadpool, as he pretended to be dead. The remaining 8 guards cautiously walked up to Deadpool's body, which was still holding the rifle.
All of a sudden, Deadpool opened his eyes as he unloaded all his ammo on the guards, making them all fall to the ground. Deadpool dislodged himself from the pole, as he walked up to one of the guards who was still alive.
"I want you to send a message to your dick-tipped Rimjob of a boss. Tell him, that soon enough I'm coming for his sorry ass and I'm gonna castrate him, all while streaming it live while in space, so no one can hear that rat bitch scream," threatened Deadpool, knocking the guard out.
He walked back to the taxi and started driving towards Al's nightclub.
"Al! Alison!" shouted Wade, walking into the nightclub.
"The only time someone called me by their full name was when they wanted a divorce, and they died 20 years ago," said Al, walking out of her room with her cane.
"Al! Are you okay? Did anyone come here?" asked Deadpool, sounding genuinely worried.
"No, but you sure as Hell seem to have been through shit," said Al, as she pointed at the news.
"There are reports of the fugitive known as Deadpool roaming the streets of the Upper West Side, and a video clip has surfaced just today, of Wilson, while being impaled, mowing down guards from the Cellar. He is considered extremely dangerous. I'm Eddie Brock, and this is the Daily Bugle," said the news reporter.
"Yeah, shit's happened. But listen, all that's lies. Augustus Roman is one shitty guy, trust me. We need to get out of here, now!" said Deadpool.
All of a sudden, a gang of 10 thugs shot down the doors of the nightclub as they walked in.
"WHERE IS THE GOLD?! WHERE IS IT?!" shouted the first one. Al quickly got behind Wade.
"What the fuck? What gold?!" asked Deadpool.
"Our car. You stole it," said the man. Deadpool looked around, and noticed one of the goons, was the driver who he had chucked out of the car he stole.
"For Mephisto's sake! You're that taxi mafia Dopinder warned me about. Fuuuuuuuuuuck!" cursed Deadpool. Two more goons walked out, carrying duffel bags of gold.
"The gold was still in the trunk. This fuckface was stealing from us!" said one of the goons who brought the gold, pointing at Deadpool.
"Okay, it's not what it looks like!" said Deadpool.
"Too late," said the first guy, as everyone opened fire. Deadpool quickly covered Al, letting himself get riddled with the bullets even more.
The shooting lasted at least a minute, and once it stopped the mafia goons quickly left.
"Al, you okay?" asked Wade, but Al was unresponsive. Wade stood up, and saw that some bullets went straight through Wade and had hit Al.
"No, nononononono!" he said, as he started to apply pressure on her wounds, but to no avail. Al wasn't breathing.
"Fuck," said Wade, as he shed a tear, cradling Al's body, as more guards from the Cellar came, ready to handcuff Wade.
Wade didn't fight back this time.
Well, what a heartbreaking ending! The next episode will be the season finale for Season 1! And Season 2 will start sometime in June or August. The full timeline will be on my profile, so make sure to check it out!
Yours Truly,
Shadow Strike.