One year later (June, 1978)

They graduated. It was the worst and the best day of their lives.

"Hiya, you" Kit said when she finally found Sirius down the Black lake. The farewell party had been a blast, going strong for hours. The teachers had joined for a quick goodbye, even Dumbledore himself had showed up for a bit. It had been a graceful night, even if her parents didn't show up during the ceremony. She understood that, regardless of her bitter feelings towards them. It would have brought too many sweetbitter memories of Liane's graduation, she was sure.

(Ben had come, though. That she didn't expect. His stay was quite short, but knowing she still had some family to rely on was reassuring, in a way. But it was so strange to look at him without her sister beside him. The both of them had been inseparable.

"I'm proud of what you are doing. Truly, Katherine" he had said in an earnest tone. He never called her Kit, even if she had asked him many times since they first met.

"Yeah. I only graduated. No biggie" she had dismissed him.

"It is a big deal. I know it hasn't been easy for you" he had hinted. Kit had lowered her head, feeling ashamed.

"Yeah. But I had help" she had reassured him, biting her lips nervously.

"I'm glad of that. Come visit once you're settled, yeah? You can bring that rocker boyfriend of yours if you like" he had nodded to Sirius, who was seated in a table in the corner talking with James' parents.

"He's not…" she began, but Ben's scoff had cut her off.

"Whatever. We'll come" she said.

"Good. I must be off now. But… she would have been as proud as I am now. Remember it, Katherine")

"Hi, Kitty. Weren't you dancing with Lily and Sylvie?" Sirius asked, making room for her beside him. She crawled under his arm – it was quite the chilly night, and he let her put her head on his shoulder.

"I was, then I noticed you were gone. Something the matter?" she asked, while he threaded his fingers in her hair, twirling it delicately.

"I'm good. Just feeling sentimental tonight" he murmured, giving her a small smile when she kissed softly his cheek.

"I know. But there's something else. You've been broody since James' parents left" she said quietly.

"I don't want to spoil the party. You deserve some fun, too" Sirius shrugged.

"You don't spoil anything"

He sighed.

"I was just thinking that this has been my home. Everytime I needed it. And now… well, I honestly don't know where I'm heading to. And I guess I'll miss it. Having a place to call home" he rambled in a slightly slurry tone due to the alcohol he had drank before, pressing his lips tightly together. Kit stayed quiet, playing with her fingers in her lap. She was so thrown in her own grieving, costantly thinking of her parents, of everything she had lost that she didn't stop to think that Sirius' parents didn't show up either that morning. Neither did Regulus. And regardless of his "tough" act she knew he was disappointed. She had seen the longing look in his eyes when James' parents had given him both a big bear hug, praising him for his high grades, repeating him how proud they were of him.

She had been focusing so much on her pain and her struggles and her own little world she had almost forgotten that Sirius had issues of his own. Kit surely understood his feelings. She was about to go back to two people – her freaking parents, that didn't aknowledge her most of the time, leaving a place that had been a rock for her. She didn't know how, but Hogwarts had always managed to be there for her, too. And hell, they'd been there for seven years. They had been children there, small shoulders and big dreams, and now they were going to be adults – that word still freaked her out.

"I could be your home" she whispered quietly, still enveloped in his warm arms. He moved around her, trying to get a hold of her face. His eyes were red and shiny.

"What?" he asked, slowly.

"I could be your home. I know I'm no Hogwarts, no fancy halls and stylish towers but… Yeah, I could. If you'd like me to" she repeated, unsure of her words. Maybe she had scared him. They'd been talking about their future outside Hogwarts, and they'd agreed on keeping it a non-labeled thing. Lily said it was rubbish because they were basically a couple like every other one, that acted like a proper couple and did thing like other couples did. But honestly they didn't quite mind. They were exclusive, this she knew. But keeping it like that, like they always had, made her feel safer.

"You're my favorite person in the world right now" he murmured, circling her face with both his hands. She felt the cold of his rings against her cheekbones, a slight heat was overcoming her.

"Remus will be crossed" she joked, biting the inside of her cheek slightly. Sirius pressed his lips to her jaw, and she closed her eyes.

"Let's not tell him, then" he answered with a conspiratory tone, smiling so widely that Kit could feel his lips curving on her cheek.

Six months later (December, 1978)

"Come on, Moony, I'm curious!" Sirius complained like a child, making James and Kit snicker soundly.

"I'm not gonna tell you" Remus shook his head quite seriously, avoiding Sirius' hands that were trying to keep him in place.

"But I need to know! I'm dying here, mate!"

"You're so dramatic" Lily scoffed with a little smile on her face.

"Duh, that's rich from you, Evans. Please, Remus, I beg you" he continued on, joining his hands in prayer.

"Nope" Remus said, popping on the "p". Sirius pouted, disappointed. Kit thought he was both ridiculous and adorable.

"You'll never get a secret from me again, mate" he said with fake disdain, crossing his arms.

"Still, I'm not telling you what's your gift from me" Remus concluded in a firm tone.

Sirius sighed theatrically, then walked over Kit, who was sitting on the couch next to Peter and James.

"Told you" she shrugged.

"Yeah, yeah, go on and slam it in my face. I have no feelings at all" Sirius complained, nodding to her to sit on his legs. Kit hopped on his waist, resting her cheek on his warm sweater. Everything in the room was warm. The creaking fire next to them, the bright and welcoming lights of the Christmas tree Sirius and Remus had insisted to put in a corner of their living room, the loud chatting made by James and Peter, the reserved, quieter voices of Remus and Lily that were talking about Lily's newest mission for the Order.

"Uh, uh, kids, I don't want to hear about that tonight!" James reprehended them in a teacher-like voice.

They had all joined the Order of the Phoenix right after their graduation, an organisation that was the strongest opposition that Voldemort and his followers had. Dumbledore had founded it some years prior, and some people Kit already knew – former schoolmates, teachers, parents of some of her friends, even her brother in law Ben, were fighting to stop Voldemort's plans. Whatever plans he had, that was. They were currently fumbling in the dark.

(And it was scary, not knowing what he had in his mind. Sometimes she asked herself if joining the Order had been the right choice. Was she brave enough? Cunning enough? Strong enough to endure all those horrors? Hardened enough to witness her friends coming back from missions all scarred and angry and disappointed and delirious? She wasn't sure of that. But like James said, none of that tonight. It was Christmas, after all.)

"Sorry, daddy" Remus snorted, making a face to James.

"What about tonight?" Peter intervened, flicking his fingers in front of James', who was quite busy sticking his tongue out to his friend.

"Yeah, Kitty, what about tonight?" Sirius whispered on her cheek, making her smile slightly.

"I thought we were heading to London. Kit said her friends would be there" Lily said casually, piling her feet on Remus' legs.

"Not the disco songs again" Remus complained with a loud sigh.

"I like disco songs" Peter said, confusion visible all over his face, and Lily nodded eagerly.

"That's because you're clearly tasteless, Wormy, my friend" James snapped back.

Sirius was still looking at her in someway she couldn't describe, even if they'd been together for what was like, God, more than a year. Time was flying, truly.

(She remembered something Lily said some months before, in the first days of their blooming friendship.

They'd always been comfortable in each other's presence, but since James had become Lily's boyfriend she had started hanging out with them more frequently, causing to the two of them to spend way more time together. She had found that Lily was a fervent Beatles' fan, quite disliked ABBA – that, Kit once said in answer, is impossible – and was a truly sweet person when one knew her better. Kit liked she could be fierce and feisty and incredibly smart and at the same time be one of the kindest people she had ever talked to. In a way, Lily remembered her of Liane.

Lily had said something like: "He looks at you like he wants to eat you"

Kit had laughed at that heartily, smiling widely at Lily's confused face.

"Probably he actually wants to"

Lily's confusion had turned in an expression of realization, cheeks red resembling the shade of her hair.

"Uhm. Yeah, got it" she had answered awkwardly, before Kit started to laugh again.)

"What about it?" she murmured back, feeling his hand caress tenderly her back.

"Will you wear that dress I really like?" he asked, leaning his head on her shoulder. She turned her head to him, talking so quietly she thought he could barely hear her.

"Will you take it off from me when we get back?" she asked, keeping her mouth at less than an inch from his ear, smiling with satisfaction when she felt his breath quicken slightly.

"Sure thing, lovely. Now, will you tell me what exactly is Remus' present for me?" he said, kissing the tip of her nose.

"Sirius!" Remus whined, making everyone laugh again.

March, 1979

Remus' nineteenth birthday was in a few days, but there was no trace of him. Dumbledore had sent him out on mission, but everything had been top secret to everyone except Remus himself. Kit suspected it had something to do with the werewolves community set in England, since Remus had briefly spoken about it sometime before, but couldn't be sure. For all they knew, he could easily be in the other side of the world. He had left at the beginning of February, reassuring everybody he would be back by the end of the month. But in the meantime, they had approached the fifth day of March, and no one knew nothing about him. Everyone was in a foul mood. She had temporarily left her parents' house and stayed at Sirius' to keep him company.

He, out of everybody, was a mess.

(He and Remus had been living together since school ended, in a little flat in the outskirts of London they had fallen in love with the first time they'd seen it.

Well, Sirius did. Remus still felt heavily guilty about Sirius' insistence on paying for the house. He had inherited some gold from his estranged uncle, who had died some months before school ended for good, and now he was actually quite rich. Not the kind of rich that would have last forever, but he was definitely settled for some time.

"I understand what you're feeling, Remi" she told him, just after they moved in. She had taken on calling him like that since a night of drunk debauchery that led everyone to reveal some secret of sorts. Out of secrets, Remus had said he used to present himself like that when he was about six years old, and she liked it so much she stuck with that.

"I just… I don't know, Kit. I shouldn't rely on anyone. It's not right"

"Sirius is not anyone, Remus. He's your friend"

"I don't want to be a bother"

"I know you're not. Especially not to him"

"I don't want him to regret this"

"Like hell he will. I think you will be the one regretting it as soon as he'll start bringing up again the motorbike thing"

"God, can you think? A motorbike in the middle of the living room? Where does he think we are, in a Easyriders cover?")

Kit usually woke up before Sirius. She always tried to be quiet when leaving the room, because most of the nights Sirius couldn't sleep properly.

"We're like his pack. James, Peter and I. And not knowing what's happened to him… It just crushes us" he had explained quietly one night where he was laying his head on her stomach, hugging her fiercely, as if he feared she might disappear too.

She got ready for work – she was doing a partially paid internship for the Daily Prophet, her mind still hazy with sleep (or, better, the lack of it), prepared some coffee for her and for Sirius, and went back to his room to leave the cup on his nightstand. She knelt beside his head, moving some hair from his forehead.

"I'm going" she whispered, like she had been doing for the past month. Sirius made some incomprehensible sound.

"What?" Kit asked. He mumbled again between himself, then moved the covers beside him to make her some space.

"Stay" he said, beckoning her to him, his voice still thick and hoarse.

"I… fine. Five minutes" she agreed, kicking her boots off and climbing beside him again. He sighed in relief, lips pressing slightly on her collarbone and arms circling her frame against his.

"Five minutes is not enough" he grumbled. She could feel his pout on her skin.

"You should sleep some more" Kit mumbled, slowly massaging his nape. He always relaxed when she did that.

He nodded with eyes closed, his rosy lips were curved in a sort of smile.

I love you, Kit thought. But didn't have the heart to say it out loud. Thinking it was scary enough. And anyway, he was drifting again to sleep. He couldn't hear her anymore.

They celebrated Remus' birthday in loneliness, curled up on the cold pavement against the fire, drinking to his memory. But then Sirius had corrected himself with a violent shudder.

"He's not dead. Let's drink to his return"

He was suffering so much her heart was aching, both for Remus' absence and Sirius' pain. She wasn't prepared for that, not yet.

Come back home, she had tought before taking another sip of wine, hoping the red liquid could make her forget for a bit of everything they had to deal with. Tomorrow, she tought. Not tonight. Tomorrow.

Eventually, Remus came back from wherever-the-hell he had been two weeks after his birthday. He was too weak even to speak properly. He had Apparated – to the current day Kit still had no idea how in the world he had managed to Apparate in that state – in the living room while they were arguing about something she couldn't even remember in that exact moment, his clothes in rags and covered in blood and sweat and fur and dirt and something else she couldn't exactly make out. He looked almost dead. But that was it. Almost. And immediately they were around him, asking questions he couldn't answer, whispering it's gonna be alright to his ear even if he couldn't hear them, performing every healing charm they could think of, trying to wake him even if his limbs were slack and he looked so fucking thin.

"Kit? Do you hear me?" Sirius asked later, pressing one hand on his forehead.

Both exhausted and close to tears, they'd finished healing all his injuries – which were, like, a lot. Remus was still dirty and his clothes were beginning to stink, but he looked better. Unconscious, sure, but better. They took a seat down to his bed, heads resting on the cotton covers.

"I hear you" she mumbled, looking into the void. She was terrorized.

"Why don't you go rest? I'll stay here" he proposed, nudging her lightly. Kit shook her head slowly, and without even noticing she had searched for his hand, keeping his fingers in her palm. Their hands were sweaty and sticky and so damn cold. She sighed heavily.

"I want to be here" the girl insisted, leaning her neck on the sheets.

"I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have yelled at you like that" he apologized, bringing her hand in his lap, caressing it with a light touch.

"Don't ever do it again. I can't stand it" she just said, looking down to their intertwined fingers.

"I promise. Sorry" he whispered, nudging his chin on her arm. Kit leaned her face towards his, hovering her lips over his, feeling his breath touch her upper lip. She closed her eyes when his mouth came on hers, slow and sweet and soft. It reminded her of the first times they'd kissed, when they still didn't know each other enough to be comfortable in those moments. She heard him whisper something over her lips, but before she had time to ask him to repeat, they heard a weak hm-hm coming from the high of their heads. He was looking at them with a smug smile on his face, the bastard.

"When you two are finished, can one of you bring me a glass of water? My throat feels like the damn Sahara"

"For he's a jolly good fellow, for he's a jolly good fellow, vor he's a jolly good fellow, and so say all of us!" Sirius, James and Kit sang loudly, clinging to each other around Remus, who had been put at the head of the table, clutching his injured arm to his chest and moving his head timidly around the room, a birthday cap on his head.

"We got it, guys, he's a good guy. Can we eat, now?" Sylvie intervened, prepping her elbows on the table. They – the Marauder minus Remus plus Kit and Lily – had organized a last minute birthday party and Sylvie, who actually was quite closer to Remus than anyone had thought before, had actually showed up with all her typical intolerance for any kind of fuss. But she looked happy, too.

"I actually agree with Sylvie" Remus nodded, his cheeks red with embarassment and heat.

"You truly don't appreciate us, Remi. It's our way to say we love you" Kit pouted, her arms slunged around James and Sirius' waist to hold herself on her feet. They all were a bit drunk. Or drunkish, that is.

"We got the gist, now sit and eat" Lily ordered sternly.

"Yes, momma" Sirius scoffed, ruffing her bright red hair in a playful way. Lily swatted his hand away, a smile on her pink lips, then he turned his attention to Kit. She bit her lip, feeling truly satisfied after a whole month (and even more) of fear, fights and pain. She knew it was temporary, that probably tomorrow something wrong would happen, but right then, right there, she felt good like she hadn't been in weeks.

"Before we start, I just wanted to say…" Remus started, feeling everybody's eyes on him. He cleared his throat lightly, then met his friends' eyes, gleaming with joy.

"… Just… thank you. For this. And for everything"

Somewhere around May, James and Lily announced they were getting married, causing everyone's jaw to go slack and wide open. Kit swore she heard someone say something like what in Merlin's saggy balls!. Well, that someone could easily be Peter, but that wasn't the point. Two of her closest friend were going to marry, for fuck's sake.

"Aren't you happy?" James asked, almost disappointed in their reaction. Remus offered them their congratulations, saying something similar to I always expected it, and Peter followed soon, with his squeaky voice and a wide smile on his face. But James was still looking to Sirius and Kit.

"I thought you would be happy for us" Lily stated, not trying to conceal her disappointment.

"Of course we are. But…" Sirius started, unsure of his own words.

"There's a war going on. And you're like, not even twenty yet" Kit ended. Her voice conveyed quite well her perplexity.

Sirius shook his head, getting up from his seat beside Kit.

"I didn't mean that. I'm just a bit surprised. But I'm happy for you, guys. Truly" he reassured them, going in for a hug to both James and Lily. Kit didn't know what to say. She thought it to be ridicolous. People were dying on a daily basis and they thought about marriage? But she couldn't say that. Not without feeling extremely guilty for spoiling their happiness. It was none of her business, what they were up to. And they deserved to be happy, even if happiness seemed like a miracle, an illusion, those days.

"Kit?" Lily asked, looking almost afraid to know her answer. Kit faked a smile.

"Sorry, guys. I didn't mean it like that. It's just… everything happens so fast lately. But I'm truly happy for you. When's the date?"

Lily's joyful squealing while telling her every detail about the reception and the dress and the church and dozens of other things she wasn't listening to properly, told her that lying, for once, had been the right choice.

Later, back to his flat, in the quiet of the bedroom, Sirius laid next to her wordlessly, farther then he would normally be. Usually he clung on her in the night, squeezing her frame in his arms. He always craved for touch, whether it was a hug or a simple grazing of their fingers. He just liked to be close to her. It relaxed him.

"Are you awake?" Kit murmured, looking for his hand in the dark of the night.

"Mh mh" he answered, letting her fingers caress the skin of his palm.

"What's wrong?" the girl asked, turning on her side to look at him properly. He was staring at the white ceiling, one arm under his head as a pillow. She nestled her head in the crook of his neck, breathing the scent of his skin. He looked tense.

"Nothing, Kit" Sirius said with a tired note in his voice.

"Are you upset by what I said to James and Lily?" she asked.

"No" he paused, biting his lip "It just… It made me realise that maybe we don't want the same things"

Full stop. She sat up abruptly, clicking two fingers together to turn on the lamp on her nightstand. He sat up as well, arms crossed on his chest. In that precise moment he looked so different from the man she used to know since they were eleven

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"What do you want from us, Kit?" he asked back, eyes piercing her face in a way that left her astounded.

"I want us to be together. Don't you want it, too?" she murmured with a hint of frustration in her voice.

"Of course I do. But I… I feel like we're not on the same page"

"Talk, Sirius"

"I love you, Kitty. Like, very much. And I don't know if you feel the same, if you plan to stay here or to move back to your parents, if you want this to be something serious… I'm just tired of faking I'm still okay with this whole "cool" thing between us"

She already knew all of that. He had told her his first i love you when he tought she was asleep, in the days Remus went missing. It was hushed and quiet and fast, but she heard. And chose to ignore it. And she felt so bad about it afterwards it still plagued her some nights.

"What are you saying? That it is all my fault?"

"No, but I don't want that anymore"

Kit felt her lips tremble and had to bite hard it to keep them still. She tasted blood in her mouth.

"You could have told me. I would have understood"

"Would you? Because I feel like you are way too comfortable with our arrangement"

"I don't deserve this, Sirius. You're being unfair"

"We have been together for almost two years, we fuck all the time and fucking live together and you don't even have the guts to realize we're in a relationship"

She flinched at his harsh tone. Everything he was saying was true. That hurt the most.

"Stop" she said shooking her head. He approached her, pressing his hands on her cheeks.

"What are you scared of?"

"Please, stop" she repeated, pushing him lightly from her body.

"I'm not gonna…"

"I said stop! I don't understand you! Why are you acting like this?" Kit splurted, exasperated.

"Because I'm sick of this, Kit. Of all of it"

That hurt even more. And made her say something she would have regretted her whole life.

"No. You just want to be able to do everything James does. You couldn't bear he had a loving family while you had none, and now you can't bear he's already happily marrying with perfect Lily while you're insatisfied of our relationship, while you're stuck with me. There, you wanted me to talk. Do you feel better?" she hissed. Sirius started at her words, hands clenching on the sheets. She could see his eyes become harder and distant and deeply angry. Like he was looking at something disgusting, and not someone he said to love not even five minutes before. She had fucked up. Royally so.

"I'm gonna leave now. And when I come back I don't want to find you here" he affirmed calmly, getting up quickly. She watched him dress, her mind searched for the right words but couldn't find it. She was stuck. So disappointed in herself. So afraid of him leaving for good. It was just when he had his hand on the knob that she realized fully he was actually going to go. She rushed to him, stumbling in the sheets, flinching at the cold under her feet. She took his wrist, pressing her body against him.

"Wait. Please, wait… I didn't… I'm sorry" she murmured, grabbing fists of his shirts in her hands.

"I hate you so much right now" Sirius murmured. She felt so much pain in his voice, leaning his forehead against hers. She shook her head violently, trying to stop the sobs in her throat. He pushed her lightly away from his body, grabbing hastily his leather jacket – the one she had gifted him on Christmas – and left. Kit stared at the closed door, blinking one, two, three, four times before realizing he wouldn't come back. And it was then that she let herself sink to the pavement, knees hurt from the hard and cold pavement under her body. You did it again, Kit. Congrats.