A/N: Can't believe we're already at chapter 5! And again, thank you so much for your reviews, they motivate me so much.

This is a bit shorter than the others, because I didn't want to drag this one out. But don't worry, I'm already working on chapter 6, which will be longer and with lots of Rolivia fun.

BTW, did you catch Olivia's hand on Amanda's in last night's episode? I live for those crumbs.

I'm introducing a new and original character in this chapter. Be nice to her :D

After two cups of coffee and more or less complete silence from Olivia, she just gave a single nod when Amanda asked if she felt ready to walk home.

"Careful, you're gonna choke on that." She said as she watched Olivia put the third gum in her mouth.

"Not gonna let Lucy smell alcohol on me on a Sunday night." Olivia mumbled before she chewed down on the mint flavored candy.

"I think you'll be fine. It's not like you're coming home covered in vomit with a suspicious tear in your panty hoes."

"Speaking from experience, Amanda?"

"Anything I say can and will be used against me in a court of law."

Olivia snickered. "Nice."

It was the first life like response she had gotten from the brunette all night and Amanda decided to leave it at that. She knew that pushing her now would only make things worse, so all the questions she had would have to wait.

Why didn't you call me? What did you tell Elliot about Lewis? What did you tell him about us?

Right now, the most important thing was to get Olivia home, safe.

When they entered the elevator in Olivia's building, her eyes widened when she looked at herself in the mirror. "Christ, Amanda, why didn't you tell me I look like a crazy person?"

Her hair was messy, she had mascara under her eyes and most of her make up had been washed away by her tears.

"I honestly didn't notice. I was more worried about..." you being semi psychotic "getting you home."

"Here." Amanda said and turned Olivia towards her. She licked her finger and used it to clean away the black spots.

"Ok, the CDC is judging you so hard right now. Seriously, somewhere Dr. Fauci is crying." Olivia said, a little bewildered by Amanda's sudden attack on her face.

"Liv, you literally had your tongue in my mouth last night."

Really, Amanda? Can you just behave like a normal person for one second?

Olivia just stared back at her for a moment before she let out a short and surprising laugh. "Amanda Rollins, what am I going to do with you?"

After a couple of worried stares from Lucy, and Olivia thanking her no less than four times for coming on short notice and staying late, Olivia and Amanda were yet again alone.

Now that Olivia was home and sobered up, Amanda couldn't stop herself from asking the one thing that had bothered her since that call from Elliot.

"Why didn't you call me?"

Olivia had her back turned and was currently downing her second glass of water.

She put the glass in the sink and turned around slowly to face the blonde who was leaning against the kitchen counter.

"It's complicated. And it's late."

"I know. I won't push it. I just... I want to be here."

Olivia nodded and gave her a smile that never quite reached her eyes.

"I know."

She closed the distance between them and pulled her arms around Amanda's waist, wondering for a second if the blonde had always been this skinny.

The worry disappeared slowly as Amanda's arms came around her neck, and Olivia melted into the embrace that she had been longing for since the moment she walked into that hotel suite.

She was all cried out and too exhausted to talk. She just wanted to be close to the one person who understood her, knew her and cared for her unconditionally.

"Thank you." She whispered against Amanda's hair.

The blonde responded with a simple nod against the crook of her neck.

When they eventually pulled away from each other, Olivia grabbed Amanda's hands. "Unless work interferes, can we do something this weekend, with or without the kids. As long as we get some time to talk?"

"I'd like that." Amanda smiled softly.

"Thank you for seeing me early." Olivia said as she entered Dr. Hill's office.

She hadn't told anyone, not even Amanda, but she had ended her sessions with Dr. Lindstrom a few months ago. He had helped her through the immediate aftermath of Lewis, and then some. But, as time went by, she realized that she would never be able to open up about issues that had been there long before Lewis.

When the NYPD hired him to work with them through an epidemic of police suicides, she got the out that she needed.

And after some digging, that's how she found herself seated in the office of Dr. Stella Hill.

It had taken her a couple of sessions to get used to Dr. Hill's techniques and methods. She challenged her more than Dr. Lindstrom had ever done, and she left every session more clear minded than before, but always with a brewing migraine.

"So, let me just jump right into this." She said as she shifted a little in the brown leather chair.

"That's usually the best way to do it." Dr. Hill replied as she leaned back. Her petite frame made it look like she was drowning in the chair, and Olivia had noticed that the brunette always looked slightly amused or deeply curious. She liked it.

"Long story short, my partner who more or less disappeared ten years ago suddenly showed up and then his wife was killed. And then I kissed Amanda. Or she kissed me. Twice."

For a second she wondered if she should've thrown in "And I'm worried that I might have a drinking problem. Like my mother." But Olivia was already maxed out on feeling over the top and it was only five past eight in the morning.

"That's a lot."

"Yes, I agree."

"Let's start with your partner. How long were you partners?"

"Almost 13 years."

"You got close?"

"Very."

"Define very close."

Olivia had to remind herself that she wasn't sitting in a hostile interview with IAB. She wasn't under investigation because she had covered for her partner or vice versa. They weren't being evaluated by an NYPD shrink. She wasn't in trouble for her feelings this time.

"We spent so much time together, at times it felt like a marriage. I could read his mind and the other way around. We had each other's backs, even when we shouldn't have. I trusted him completely, and I believe he felt the same way."

"But nothing happened between you?"

"He was married."

"That wasn't the question."

"No, nothing happened. But things could get... intense."

Memories flashed behind her eyes then. Gitano. A gun pointed at his head. What about me.

"Where did you go just now?"

Olivia shook her head a little and blinked a few times.

"Over the years we found ourselves in a lot of life and death situations. I think it made us confront our feelings without actually saying it out loud."

"Meaning?"

Jesus Christ, doc, you're really gonna make me spell it out aren't you.

Olivia cleared her throat. "Meaning, I loved him and I never told him."

After her breakdown on Sunday she had seriously wondered if she was cried out forever. She had felt dehydrated all Monday, ignoring her taunting brain that kept reminding her of the countless glasses of scotch she had practically inhaled the day before.

Still, she felt herself tearing up, again.

"And then he left." Dr. Hill said, more as a statement than a question.

"Mhm."

"Tell me what happened."

"He shot a teenager, and-"

"No, tell me what happened between you and him."

"Nothing. That was the problem. We were solid, or at least I thought we were. And then the shooting happened and next thing I knew, my captain called me into his office and told me Elliot was gone. He stopped replying to texts, didn't pick up his phone. Nothing."

"Did you talk to anyone about it? Friends? Other colleagues?"

"Barely."

"So what did you do?"

"I cried in the interrogation room and then I went back to work."

"So, you're telling me in the blink of an eye, you lost what you described as a marriage, and you didn't take any time to grieve? Didn't seek support anywhere?"

Sneaky bitch.

"I had a job to do." Her lips were quivering now. She greatly appreciated that Dr. Hill wasn't one of those therapists who subtly moved the box of tissues closer as soon as they recognized human emotions. She hated when they did that.

"Sure. But so did Elliot, and he walked away when it got too much. You stayed."

"Maybe he didn't care as much as I thought."

"Do you really think that was the case?"

Olivia took a deep and somewhat trembling breath.

"No. Maybe he cared more than I understood."

She gave in then and reached for the box of tissues herself.

"Maybe." Dr. Hill tilted her head and gave Olivia a smile.

"You said his wife died?"

"Yeah, I can't really get into that. It's an ongoing investigation and it's a mess."

"But you feel like you should be there for him, even though he hasn't been here for you for the last ten years?"

Ding ding ding.

"Something like that, yes." Olivia chuckled, all though she had no idea why. Nothing about this was funny.

"And then you and Amanda kissed?"

"Yeah, you know, the more we talk the more I realize my life has turned into a very complicated soap opera, and I hate soap operas." She chuckled again. "Amanda would watch the hell out of it, though."

"You like her."

"Yeah." Olivia smiled softly, still patting away at her face with the tissue now stained with mascara and a bit of foundation.

"So if you kissed, that must mean she likes you, too? If not, I guess I would have to report you to, well, you."

Olivia smiled at the Dr.'s wit, grateful to be temporarily lifted up from the dirt.

"I think it's safe to say that the kiss was very much consensual."

"So what makes it complicated?"

"What doesn't make it complicated?" Olivia replied with her hands up in the air. "I'm not gay, between the two of us we have three kids, I'm her boss, and then Elliot..."

"Do you want to be with her?"

"Yes."

It slipped out much faster than she had expected, and her own eyes widened at her quick response.

"Well, there you go."

A/N: Sorry for firing you, Dr. Lindstrom, but you had to go.