Chapter 4

5 days later | 11 days after Andrew died

After Meredith had been awake and was slowly doing better and getting some strength back, and since her recent covid tests came back negative, she was allowed to go home and see her kids again.

Maggie had picked her up at the hospital and brought her home before she needed to go back to work again. As soon as Meredith made her way to her house and opened the door, she had all her three kids around her hugging her. And it was all she needed in that moment.

She had missed them so incredibly much. And after the last few days of somehow trying to find that small light to look forward, and struggling to find it, she really needed to be around her kids again.

.

"I missed you all so much." Meredith said, the emotions audible in her voice, while she was trying to blink back the tears that were forming in her eyes, putting on a smile for her kids.

"We missed you, too, mommy." Zola answered for all of them, making Meredith embrace them even closer for a moment before she loosened the hug a little, so she could look at all of them.

.

"Why don't we go outside, and you show me these dance skills you talked about all week."

"Yes." She heard all her kids scream excitedly.

"Okay, I'll be there in a minute." She answered her kids, who were already on their way outside.

She put her things down and went into the kitchen to get something to drink, taking a moment for herself, taking a moment to breathe.

"Hey, are you okay?" Meredith flinched when she heard Link's voice next to her, not having noticed that he had joined her in the kitchen.

"I'm sorry." He added when he noticed that he had startled her.

"It's okay... I was somewhere else with my thoughts..." She quickly answered, taking a last sip from her glass of water before she put it away again.

"I noticed." Link gave her a sad but sympathetic smile, able to guess where her thoughts had been.

"Thank you for staying with the kids." She stated sincerely after a moment of silence.

Link gave her a small nod before Meredith was leaving to join her kids in the backyard.

"Hey, Meredith." He stopped a moment until she turned around and looked at him "If you need a moment now, or later or in a few days. We are here and we don't mind taking care of them for a little more time."

"Thank you." She answered with a small sad smile.

"I'm really sorry for you."

Meredith nodded slightly, trying to keep the small smile on her face while she was fighting the tears that wanted to form in her eyes again.

.

"You're finally here, mommy." Ellis said excitedly once Meredith came outside.

"Mommy needed something to drink first, but now I want to see what you did the past few weeks." She put back on her smile for her kids.

"Okay." Bailey answered with a big smile before he started the music.

And then her kids showed her all the new dance moves they had learned. And just by looking at their happy faces, seeing how much fun they had, she found a small real smile forming on her lips as well. And just for a moment she could distract herself from everything that was going on.

.

"You can dance with us, mommy." Bailey stated after a moment, asking her to join them.

"I would love to, but the doctor said that I am not allowed to do any sport for a while." She answered rolling her eyes slightly, pretending to be annoyed, making her kids chuckle.

"Okay, but then you need to choose a song." Zola answered while she gave the phone her mom.

Meredith put on a new song and all her kids started to dance again when Link joined them outside sitting down at the small table with Meredith.

"So, that's what you have been up to the past months?" Meredith asked slightly amused, knowing how persistent her kids could be.

"Well, we all have learned a few new dance moves, so it was worth it." Link chuckled slightly, making her smile as well.

They watched the kids dance a little longer when she started to drift away with her thoughts again. She loved to see her kids so happy, but she wished the persons she wanted to share those moments with were here.

Andrew... Andrew loved to play guitar for her kids, to play with her kids, and to dance with them as well. She could only imagine how happy he would have been to spend this moment with them and let them teach him some new dance moves. She missed him so much.

And her kids... They loved him. After losing their dad way too soon, they would have deserved to have someone be there for them again. As a friend and maybe in the future as a father figure...

Meredith quickly looked up at the sky, trying to keep her tears back, not wanting to cry in front of her kids, not sure how to tell them what has happened...

.

"Okay, who wants ice cream?" Meredith heard Link asking when she realized that she had disappeared in her thoughts for some while, not having noticed that her kids had stopped dancing.

"It's gelato, Link." Zola answered, making Bailey and Ellis chuckle.

"When is Andrew coming again? You said he would visit again when he has more time and feels better? I hope he comes to my next half-birthday." Bailey stated curiously.

And Meredith didn't know what to answer, not having expected for them to ask after Andrew so soon. She was trying to keep her feelings inside, taking a deep breath, looking up at the sky for a moment.

"Are you okay, mommy?" Zola asked, noticing that she had gotten lost in her thoughts, bringing her back to their conversation.

"I- I just remembered something, Zozo." She gave her daughter a smile, signaling that she was okay, even though she felt everything but okay.

"Okay, let's get the gelato. Are you going to help me?" She heard Link beside her, trying to distract the children, having noticed that she needed a moment.

"Yes." Her kids answered excitedly and followed Link inside the house.

And if she wasn't somewhere completely else with her thoughts, she would be thankful for him to jump in.

...

A few hours later Meredith had put all her kids to bed, they hadn't asked after Andrew again that day, but she knew that it wouldn't take long for them to ask again. And she had no idea how to tell them. She hasn't even processed it herself yet.

She laid down in her bed just wanting to forget everything that has happened.

And only when the silence filled the darkness inside her room, she couldn't keep everything that had come together over the past few hours, over the past few days and weeks inside her anymore. She couldn't pretend anymore, and she didn't want to be strong anymore.

She felt like everyone needed her to be strong. Her patients needed her to get back to the hospital as soon as possible. Her sisters needed her. Her kids needed her. But all she wanted was to just lay there and cry. Not to be strong for just a moment.

And then she let the tears fall down not even trying to stop them anymore.

"Why?" She half shouted half whispered angry at the world, while she threw the pillow that was lying next to her through the room. "Why?" She added a little quieter, the tears falling down her face.

She kept lying on her side in her bed, letting herself cry, letting herself feel the anger and sadness. Just for a moment not wanting to and not able to keep it inside anymore.

When she felt herself calm down a little, she got up and went over to her closet, grabbing the pillow that was lying there on the floor and laid it on her bed again before she was rumbling around in her closet until she found one of Andrew's pullovers behind some of her clothes. He had never come to ask to get his clothes back and she had never brought up the courage to give it back. Because she had always had that small part of hope inside her that wanted to believe that they could get another chance. And now they would never get another chance again. And she wasn't ready for that yet.

She put on the pullover before she laid down on her bed again, on Andrew's side, wanting to feel closer to him, even though she knew that she would never be able to get closer to him anymore. A few tears were still silently falling out of her eyes and she couldn't stop. She closed her eyes, hoping to find some sleep, wanting to escape for just a moment.

Because she didn't want him to be gone. She already missed him so much.

End of chapter 4

I want Andrew back! I miss him so much right now...