A bit of a longer chapter…was having a hard time ending it Also, I think this will be a double update night because I just am on a roll.

Read~Enjoy~Review

Chapter 5

Emma had been home for about two weeks and still hadn't left the house. She tried, oh did she try, but she just couldn't. She'd take one step out of the door and have a full-blown panic attack followed by a crippling sense of guilt because Regina had to help her each time. She couldn't even sit on the back patio and she hated it. Archie came to see her, but he had told her it wouldn't be a quick fix and damnit, she wanted a quick fix. She felt so guilty when she'd catch Regina looking longingly out the windows or when Henry would slip and say something about missing going to school.

Snow and David came at least every other day to bring anything the family needed and to visit with their daughter. Cora and Zelena came the opposite days only so Emma didn't have too many people at once.

"I'm punishing you guys, Regina." Emma let out, hating that once again she was crying. "You two have now become my prisoners and it's not fair. Maybe I should just admit myself to the psych ward so I'm the only one effected by this."

"Baby, we don't want that. You wouldn't be the only one effected by that; we all would be. You've been gone from us for four years and there's no way we're letting you lock yourself up somewhere else." Regina cupped Emma's face and wiped her tears with her thumbs. "We all agreed that Henry is safer not going to school until Jackson is caught. Once he is, then I think we'll all feel better."

Henry, who couldn't help overhearing came over and pulled Emma into a tight hug. "We do not feel like your prisoners, Ma, and no way would you deserve to be locked up in a psych ward. I know you're frustrated, but it's been two weeks. Two weeks versus four years, Ma. Take a deep breath and try to cut yourself a break."

Emma looked into his eyes and gave a nod, taking a couple deep breaths. "When did you become so amazing?" She asked him quietly. "Thank you."

"No thanks needed. I'm going to do some schoolwork but tell me if you need me."

Emma nodded and watched him go before going to Regina and hugging her. "You have done an amazing job with him, Regina. Thank you for everything you've done."

Regina was momentarily at a loss for words as she held her wife. "Thank you, Emma. I…it means so much because I never know if I'm doing a good job with him or not."

"You are you always have." Emma said and then sighed as her phone went off. "Lilly and Ruby keep bothering me to come over."

"Maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing?" Regina suggested. "Just them, here, I can make pizza and we can have some drinks."

Emma chewed her lip. "Just them. I mean unless there's someone you want over?"

"Just them. It's a good first step and the minute you need them gone; I'll tell them. We can see how this goes and maybe next time, have a couple more people over."

"Baby steps. That's what Archie said." Emma nodded. "Okay. I'll invite them over tonight. Thanks, baby."

"No thanks needed." Regina assured her. Her phone beeped and she looked guiltily at Emma. "I have to take this in my office."

"It's okay. I'm going to text them and do some of those meditating and stretching things Mal showed me." She bit her lip. "If you have to go to the store for anything, can you just tell me first? Oh, and take Henry?"

"Honey, I don't have to go to the store. Your parents dropped food off yesterday when they visited. I'm not leaving you until you're ready for me to."

"Thank you." Emma said, kissing Regina before going up to their room. She looked at her phone and typed out a message. "Lily and Ruby, I'm sorry I haven't been ready for company. It's really hard to 'be normal' right now, but I do and have missed you two. So long as it's just the two of you, you can come over tonight and we'll have homemade pizza. However, please know that if it's too much, I will have to ask you to leave and I beg that you don't take it personally. I wish I could just go back to who I was, but after four years of what I've gone through, it's hard to just bounce back."

It didn't take long and Emma had replies. "Hey Ems, it's totally fine. I just really want to see you. If you need me to leave, I will. -Lils"

"Emma, I'm sorry if you felt like I/we were pressuring you because that was not what we wanted. If you're sure, yes, I can adhere to your requests. I will come alone and leave whenever you want me to. -Ruby"

"Thanks guys. I'll see you around six then. Also, I'm paranoid, but please don't tell anyone you're coming. I just…we still don't know where Jackson is, and I don't like the idea of him knowing anything about me."

"My lips are sealed."

"Mums the word."

Emma smiled and put some soft music on her phone before starting her breathing and stretching.

Regina closed her office door and then sound proofed the room. "Did you find him?" She asked as soon as David answered the phone.

"We haven't, however, Zelena has officially verified that he is not in Oz and hasn't been since we sealed the boarder."

"So, he's either in another realm or hiding here." Regina said, pacing her office. Zelena's name came up on her phone. "I'm adding Zelena." Regina clicked on her name. "Zelena, you're on with me and David. Are you sure he wasn't in Oz."

"I'm sure, Regina. I questioned everyone and no one has seen him for two weeks. I…I found where he kept her as well and my magic confirms he hasn't been back."

Regina sat heavily. "Was it terrible?" She asked, her voice barely a whisper.

"Horrible." Zelena confirmed. "I took pictures for evidence, but Regina, I want to murder him myself."

"If I find him first, I will murder him." David said through gritted teeth. He had only seen the pictures, but that was bad enough. "I'm sorry, but I need to go. We're coordinating another search party for him."

"Thank you, David. Please keep me in touch." Regina stated.

"I will." He disconnected and Regina sighed. "Tell me about it, Zelena. I…I need to know."

"You don't want to know." Zelena said softly. "Believe me, you don't want to know."

"I do. Please, Zelena. It could help me help her."

"It won't."

"Please."

Zelena sighed and rubbed her temples. "I'm coming over. Are you in your office?"

"Yes." Regina said, taking the barrier to her office only down. She hung up the phone and Zelena's green smoke entered and then her sister. She put the barrier back up. "Zelena, please."

Zelena sat down. "Can she hear us?"

"No."

"Good." Zelena put the pictures on Regina's desk. "It was in a basement. It was dark, cold, wet, dirty, and full of mold. I honestly don't know how Emma survived that mold, much less everything else."

Regina felt tears in her eyes as she looked at the soiled mattress and the chain next to it. "This was her bed?"

Zelena nodded. "It was the only thing in that room besides the chain that was attached to her ankle. Regina, it smelled horrible. Urine, infection, just…fucking sadness, Regina, it radiated that room. I could smell the despair, I swear it. I know Emma thinks she's weak for not wanting to leave, but I swear to you, she's the strongest fucking person I know. Four years of that hell and she still wakes up every day and still breathes. I honestly don't think I could do that if it had been me. And that's just the living conditions, who the hell knows what he did to her."

Regina knew it had to have been bad for Zelena wasn't one that swore much and now, she sounded worse than a pirate. "How the hell do I help her? Do I make her talk about it or just…move on?"

"I don't know, Regina. I think you need to talk to Archie about that. I think you also need to ask Emma. Let her know you're here for her no matter what and that includes hearing about it if she needs to let it out…though, fuck, I don't know if I could do it. I love her like a sister and respect her, but – and this may make me a horrible person – but I don't know if I could listen to it. I'd just want to hug her and make her forget it all."

"Believe me, I've thought about it. I just don't want to be the one to bring it up. If she brings it up, we'll discuss it and decide. I don't want her to think that I want her to do it for me, you know?"

"I get it and realistically, it would only be temporary and could make things worse later."

There was a knock at Regina's door and Regina removed the soundproofing as Zelena took the pictures and put them in her bag. "Regina, I'm sorry to bother you but…oh, Zelena. I didn't know you were here." Emma said as she came in. "Did…did you find him?"

"Not yet, Emma." Zelena said and saw the small nod Regina gave her. Regina had agreed they'd be honest with Emma through all of this. "I did find out he's not in Oz. There's a chance he's in another realm, but I'm convinced he's here."

Emma's arms wrapped around herself as she nodded. "Isn't there anything at his place that you could put a locator spell on?"

"We tried that. It seems he found my potion to erase that ability and dumped it all over his things." Zelena stated.

Regina went to Emma and wrapped her arms around her. "We'll find him, Emma."

Emma nodded, letting Regina's embrace warm her and make her feel safe. She had an idea but decided to wait a bit longer. "I just came in because I was calling for you but didn't hear anything. Not that you have to answer me, but…"

"I'm sorry, Emma." Regina said with a sigh. "I…I'll be honest like I promised you I'd be. We were talking and I didn't want you to hear what it was about."

Emma looked from Regina to Zelena. "If you know he's not in Oz, then you were there." She sat heavily on the sofa; eyes filled with tears. "You…you saw…and you told Regina…"

"I'm sorry, Emma, but she begged me to tell her." Zelena said, feeling guilty.

Emma looked at her. "I'm not mad, Zelena. I…I'm embarrassed. I never wanted anyone to see how I was living."

Regina sat next to Emma, Zelena on the other side. Both of them put their arms around Emma. "You have nothing to be embarrassed for." Regina assured her.

"I do. I…I couldn't always make it to the bucket. I…I sometimes didn't try."

Zelena looked at Regina and then at Emma, gently lifting her chin to look into her eyes. "I wouldn't have made it a day, Emma, but you made it four years. Not making it to the bucket is nothing compared to what you did accomplish. Seeing what I saw today shows me how damn strong you are, Emma. It doesn't at all make me think less of you, so please never think that."

Emma closed her eyes. "I can't even step outside this house. I'm not strong."

"You face every day, ever hour, every minute after four years of hell." Zelena said, taking Emma's hands. "I only know what I saw, and I know that's not half of what you went through. Maybe you don't believe me now, but I will keep on you until you do believe how strong you are."

Emma hugged the redhead. "Thank you. That means a lot to me. I may not believe you, but it does mean so much to me."

Zelena hugged her back. "I'm going to go help with the search for him. Emma, I'm so glad you're back from that hellhole." She hugged the blonde one more time and felt Regina drop the barrier so she could leave.

The moment Zelena was gone, Regina put the barrier back up. She then pulled her wife to her and kissed her. "Emma, if you ever need to talk or want to talk about what you went through, I'm here. It may be hard for me to hear, but if it helps you, it's worth it."

Emma gave a nod. "I know. Thank you." She bit her lip. "Regina…kiss me again?" Regina did so and though Emma loved the soft, loving feeling, she needed more. She deepened it and pulled Regina closer to her.

Though Regina loved this, she wanted to make sure Emma was okay. She pulled away, resting her forehead on Emma's. "Is this okay? Are you okay? Don't push yourself."

"I'm fine…I…Regina I need this. I'll tell you if I need you to stop." She was about to kiss her again until a thought hit her. "Unless…Regina, you know I'm not using you, right?"

Regina cupped Emma's face and looked into her eyes. "I know you're not using me, Emma. I want to do everything I can to help you; does this help you?"

"It…it makes me feel again, Regina. I've been so scared that it would bring back terrible flashbacks, but Regina…I need you."

Regina saw Emma's tears and she peppered kisses on her cheeks and then her lips. "I'm here, Emma. I'm here and you have me, and I have you."

Emma sniffed and kissed Regina back, knowing it was sloppy and wet, but needing to feel again. "I don't know if I'm ready to…but Regina, this feels so right."

"Then we'll do whatever you're ready for, Emma, whenever you're ready. I'm not going anywhere." At that, the baby monitor lit up as Chloe started crying. Regina saw Emma's face fall, but she shook her head. "I can ask Henry…"

"No, I'll do it. I need to feed her anyway and Henry shouldn't be burdened with this." She placed another kiss on Regina's lips. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be. We can continue this whenever you're ready." Regina assured Emma. She watched her go and then sighed. She had meant every single word, but she'd be lying if she said her body wasn't all worked up. Still, she felt as though they had a breakthrough and she'd never once let Emma think she was disappointed. Regina saw the time and decided on starting the pizza.

Emma rocked Chloe as she fed her, gazing into her face. She was glad the girl seemed to resemble her and not her father. Henry came into the nursery and sat on the other chair. "Mom, I know you're having Lilly and Ruby over tonight and I'm glad about that. If you need me to watch Chloe, I will."

Emma smiled softly. "I appreciate that, Henry and I may just take you up on that offer. I was sort of looking forward to at least a glass of wine tonight. But Henry, I don't want you to ever feel forced to watch her."

"I don't, Ma, I swear I don't." He said, leaning forward. "Ma, I love her. She's a piece of you and for a while, she was all we had after four years of not having you. I was so scared she'd be all we'd ever have of you. Now, if me watching her means you have a good night and possibly feel a bit more like your old self, then I'm all for it."

Emma reached over and cupped his face. "Thank you, Henry. You're an amazing kid. I know we still have to have a catch up and, though it's hard, I want that. Maybe tomorrow?"

"We'll see how you feel, Ma. There's no rush."

That night, Emma did have a glass of wine while trying to relax and have a good time with her friends. Regina joined in per Emma's request and Emma would catch her wife watching her and give her small smiles. Regina knew there was still a long road ahead, but seeing glimpses of real smiles, real laughs, relaxed facial features, gave Regina such hope.

The next day, Regina sighed and bit her lip as she went to their room. "Emma? I'm so sorry, but I have to run to the office to help Lilly with something. We've tried over the phone and even with a webcam, but I need to just pop in."

Emma swallowed and gave a nod. "O..okay. Can you keep the barrier up?"

"Of course, baby. Henry's here and I promise I'll be back as soon as I can be. I'll have to drive though so I can keep the barrier up."

"It's fine, Regina. Just…be careful, please. I wouldn't put it past him to use you to get to me or worse."

"I know, my love, and I swear I'll be careful." Regina kissed Emma and smiled softly when the blonde held her close to make the kiss longer.

"Do you think maybe we can do more of that when you get back?" Emma asked, almost shyly.

"You're adorable." Regina chuckled. "Yes, I very much want to do more of that."

Emma closed the door and watched Regina go to her car from the window, trying to calm her racing heart. Part of her was so scared this would be the last time she saw the woman, but the other part of her knew Jackson was hiding and if the others couldn't find him, it's not like he'd be able to just jump out and take Regina. At least, that's what she hoped.

Brooke almost choked on her coffee as she saw Regina leave the house. She had been waiting for days to see either her or Emma leave, but neither of them had. Now, all she had to do was wait for Regina to come home. It took about an hour, but when she saw Regina's car coming down the road, she went out and rushed to Regina's driveway.

Emma frowned, seeing the woman who must be Brooke run to their drive. She saw Regina's face and grit her teeth, wishing she had the courage to go outside. Instead, she did quietly open a window to hear what was being said. Regina stepped from her car and shook her head. "Not now, Brooke. This is not the time or place."

"You won't talk to me, Regina. When is the time or place? I mean, I didn't turn you away or ignore your calls when you'd call at three in the morning needing someone. Regina, please. Just…I need to know it wasn't all fake." She had stepped closer and now reached out to take Regina's hands. "I know there was something between us, Regina, don't tell me you didn't feel it."

"Brooke, I told you then that I wasn't ready. Look, I'm sorry if I've hurt you, but my wife is home and I love her. I want to be with her, Brooke. We could be friends, but this needs to stop."

"Friends?" The woman laughed. "Friends answer each other's phone calls. Friends answer texts, friends visit each other. Friends don't let their long-lost wives lock them up like prisoners."

Regina pulled her hands away from the woman. "She has not locked me up. Her torturer is out there somewhere, and my wife just went through four years of the kind of hell you could never fathom. Brooke there never was more than friendship between us and now, there's not even that. I'm trying to be nice here, but you have no idea the hell my wife went through."

"Does she care about what you went through? Did she once try to reach out to you and tell you she was alive? What kind of wife doesn't even try to…"

"I couldn't!" Emma said, walking out the door. "I was chained to a wall, my magic bound, in another realm completely. I tried, gods did I try to send some kind of sign, but I couldn't. I was starved, beaten, raped, tortured – both physically and mentally, every day, and I tried to send some kind of message." She stepped closer to the woman, tears in her eyes.

Brooke, though surprised, didn't back down. "And what, you think it's fair that Regina just sit here alone for four years, never knowing where you were? You just sat there, selfishly thinking about how she'll still be here when you decided to come back?"

Regina stepped forward, but Emma put her hand out. "You have no idea the torment that went through my mind every day. I went from begging and praying to get out, to begging and praying to die. After the first year, I hoped Regina would move on. I didn't want her to be alone and sad all the damn time. I didn't want her to keep looking for me. After two years, I didn't want to be found. I knew I'd never be the same and that Regina didn't deserve it. After three years I had given up all hope that I'd ever be found and all I could do, all I would do was think about Regina and Henry being happy; having moved on and not forgotten me, but put my memory at peace. After four years, four years of such physical and mental torture, four years of thinking, hoping every day was my last day, I finally was freed from my physical restrains. I was almost dead, filled with an infection and forever mentally scarred. When I saw Regina, hell, before I even saw her, the first thing I asked my nurse was if Regina had moved on. I had wanted her to; had hoped she had, but when I heard she hadn't, I couldn't help but be so damn happy." Emma let out a bit of a sob, but stayed strong. "You say I'm selfish, that I'm keeping my wife a prisoner, that she has every right to move on and you know what? You're right. Selfishly, I was happy my wife hadn't moved on and that she was more than willing to be with me still. I asked her, told her I'd understand if she didn't want to. I was so selfish that I told her I would understand if she'd rather be with you." Emma couldn't help her smirk, even if it was childish, even if it was so immature, she just couldn't stop herself. "She told me that no one could fill my shoes; that there was no one else in the world she'd rather be with."

Brooke just stood there, really not sure how to feel. She felt this sorrow for the woman in front of her, the pain she had and was still obviously in. But then, she also felt like she had been slapped in the face. She looked from Regina to Emma and realized she could never come between them. She swallowed and gave a nod, clearing her throat. "I can see why." She said, with nothing but sincerity. "I see now exactly why she could never let you go. Please understand that I never set out to hurt you. I just…I…"

"You fell for her." Emma said softly. "I understand. She's pretty damn amazing and it's hard not to fall for her. Please though, please…just let me have my wife." She hated it, but tears welled up in her eyes as she looked at the woman. "I never thought I'd have this chance again, so please don't stand in my way."

Brooke shook her head. "I won't. I don't deserve your forgiveness, but I am sorry. I just…I didn't get it; the extreme of it, I think and I'm sorry." She looked to Regina. "To both of you. I'll leave you alone." As she turned, she felt a hand on her shoulder.

"If you think you can or want to, we can always use more friends." Emma said softly. "Once he's caught and I feel safe again."

Brooke smiled softly. "I'd like that."

Emma watched Brooke go, turning to look at her wife who seemed to be frozen on the spot. "Regina?"

Regina couldn't stop just staring at her wife. Did Emma realize what she was doing, where she was? Her wife – her strong as hell, victim of being locked up and tortured wife for four years – was standing outside and not having a panic attack. "Emma you…are you okay?" Emma looked confused for a moment before realization dawned on her. All too soon, her face turned white and then a sick shade of green. "Oh Emma. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything." Regina said, rushing to her wife and wrapping her arms around her. "Come on; let's get you inside."

Emma shook her head. "No wait…just…wait." She took some deep breaths. "I forgot how fresh air smelled." She admitted, trying to work through her panic. She held tight to Regina. "Can…can we go to the backyard though. I feel so exposed."

"Whatever you want, my love." Regina used her magic, thinking if they went through the house, Emma may not come outside again. She felt Emma's grip on her and sat them down on the wicker love seat she had out there. "Are you okay?"

"Yes I…I think I just needed that push. I may have totally humiliated myself, but I couldn't stop myself either. I gave her way too much information, but I wanted her to back off."

Regina chuckled. "I'm so proud of you, Emma. Not just for coming outside, but for defending yourself."

Emma gave a soft smile. "I think…I think you've been amazing, Regina, giving me everything I've asked for but…but I think I need to be pushed sometimes." She bit her lip. "I think I need you to push me once in a while."

Regina looked at her wife and tucked blonde hair behind her ear. "I don't want to push you too much though."

"I know that, and I know it's a lot to ask you. I'm sorry, I just…I think I need it sometimes."

"Don't be sorry. Look, we're both learning as we go here, Emma. Let's just sit out here for a while, get comfortable and see what happens." Emma moved so her head was resting on Regina's shoulder, her arms around her making her feel safe. Regina couldn't stop herself from asking. "Did you really stop wanting to be found?" She asked softly. "Did you really b…beg to die?" She blinked back at her tears.

Emma closed her eyes. "Yes." She said just as softly. "I know how bad it sounds now, but Regina…the things he put me through. I just wanted to die. I wanted him to just kill me and end it. I'm sorr…"

"Don't be sorry." Regina said, holding Emma even closer. "I just feel terrible because while you were hoping and begging to die, I was begging and praying for you to be alive. If I'd have known what you were going through I…" Her voice caught in her throat. "I would have let you go."

Emma was quiet for a while until she squeezed Regina's hand. "We're giving ourselves too much power here, Regina. It didn't matter what we hoped, begged, or prayed for; all that mattered was what he wanted." She leaned up and kissed Regina's jawline. "I'm glad you didn't let me go and I am glad he didn't kill me." They were both quiet a little longer. "I'm also glad you've been sneaking me that potion, so I don't have nightmares, but Regina, I think I need to try and sleep naturally tonight. I know you're only doing that to protect me, but I don't want to rely on it forever."

"How did you know?" Regina asked with a chuckle.

"Even with cinnamon, cocoa isn't that sweet." Emma replied. "I know they're not fun to deal with, and if you want me to sleep in the guest room with the walls soundproofed, I will, but I need to really start coping with all of this so I can eventually put it behind me."

Regina stroked Emma's hair. "I understand. You will sleep in our room, baby, and I will be there for you."

Emma gazed up at her wife. "I really missed you, Regina. I…do you feel like…I don't know, like…" She stopped, frustrated she couldn't say what she wanted to.

"Baby, just say it. Nothing you say is going to upset me."

Emma closed her eyes. "I just feel like we've fallen back in place so fast but sometimes…please don't get offended by this, but sometimes I feel like we're strangers. I mean, four years was a long time, you know?"

"I am not offended, and I agree. I think, once Jackson is taken care of, maybe we see if my mother or your parents will watch Henry and Chloe for us while we reconnect. I know I love you and that will never change, but I think you're right about the stranger's thing. I want to re-learn everything about you. I also…Emma I know this is hard, but I want to know everything you went through."

"And I want to know everything I missed." Emma stated sadly. "I know it will be hard, for both of us, but I think it's so necessary. It was bad enough missing the first ten years of Henry's life, but that was my choice, my decision. Missing the last four years of his and your life was not my choice. I want to know everything, no matter how much it hurts and…and I want to tell you everything." Emma shifted and moved to straddle Regina, surprising the woman. Emma's eyes had the most honest, most raw look to them. "I also want you to push me to do more of this, Regina, because I want it; I really do. I just know that I won't push myself and I'm so sorry if that's selfish."

Regina placed her hands on Emma's too thin hips and looked at her. "Baby, do you realize that you've been the one to initiate everything lately? You kissed me, you came outside, you are straddling me. You are so much stronger than you think you are. I know what you're asking, but please don't because I…I know what you've been through and while I can push you to go outside, push you to do other things, I cannot and will not push you to do anything intimate or sexual. I can't Emma; too many have already done that to you."

Emma wiped at Regina's tears before leaning forward and laying herself over Regina, holding her tight. "I…you're right. I wasn't thinking and I'm sorry."

Regina wrapped her arms around Emma, closing her eyes. "I love you so much."

The two lay there like that for a long time; neither one talking, neither one feeling the need to. Finally, Henry came out with Chloe and asked what they were having for dinner and the family went on with their night. Regina and Emma cuddled in bed as Emma mentally prepared for her fist night without the magical aide to keep her nightmares away.

Across town, Jackson swore as he dove under the fallen tree stump. They had found him, and he knew he was done for. He had no magic left and no way to escape. An arrow narrowly missed him, and he took out his gun. He would not be a prisoner; would not take whatever punishment they gave him. He'd end it himself, but he wanted to make sure someone else hurt as well. Someone that Emma would be close to. He knew he had to get a good shot, or they'd be able to heal her and probably wouldn't even tell Emma. He stepped out, aimed, and shot at her. She fell to the ground and he turned the gun on himself.