Acceptance – part 1
After months of staying in her room, the first mission she had wasn't as challenging as she thought it would be. The most stressful part was waking up in the morning and readying herself for the day. Once she was outside, once she could feel the sun and the breeze again, it calmed her, and it felt like her body knew instinctively what to do, how to carry her.
Talking to Neji's grave before departing also proved to be helpful. It aggrieved her how many things she still had to say to him. Not only things she wished she had said before he passed away, but also new developments she longed to tell him. Finding a partner like what they were for each other is difficult in their line of work, and once you lose this particular connection, it is nearly impossible to find another one. Nakamas in the shinobi world were akin to soulmates. Not just because it feels like meeting your Nakama was almost predestined, but because everything you go through together weaves unexplainable and indestructible bonds between you that could never be shared or replaced with anyone else, even with a lifetime of trying.
Tenten became acutely aware of this reality as she left Neji's grave, walking towards Konoha Gates. She had lost something irreplicable and irreplaceable. She had to acclimate herself to this new life.
Today, she had a straightforward mission. All she had to do was accompany a merchant to Suna. Its simplicity is why she agreed to it in the first place. She hadn't trained in months, and she preferred a short mission because, as much as she wanted to regain a sense of normalcy, she knew she couldn't rush into it. Even now, when the mission yet had to begin, she couldn't wait to come back to her bed.
The trip to Suna went about as well as one could hope for. The merchant was a chatty one, and it distracted Tenten from her thoughts, well almost. In truth, most of the time, Tenten was distracted mainly by Neji. Enough focused to be aware of her surroundings and ensure their safety, but distracted enough to zone out her client's story and nod absentmindedly, faking a smile to mirror his laughter. At times, this interaction even reassured her that she was making steps in the right direction, getting her life back on track.
The trip back to Konoha was as uneventful, but this time Tenten was alone with her thoughts. She couldn't deny that traveling again in Suna brought back painful memories of the last two times she was there with Team Gai. When Neji was still alive. She let those memories flash before her as she made her way through the desert, unconsciously sighing in relief when the scorching golden sand of their neighboring nation gave way to the luscious greenery she was used to. Contrary to her bed-ridden contemplations, thinking of Neji while running brought her some clarity. She had missed running and fighting, she realized. The fresh air, the rustling of leaves, the cracks of branches as she pressed her feet on them, the wind rushing past her as she gained speed. All the dread of losing touch with her physical abilities evaporated the first few steps she took; it was as if her muscle memory took over. Being able to count on her body this way when her mind seemed in disarray was oddly comforting to Tenten.
She had wanted to take a break once or twice to drink water, but she instinctively didn't. The third time she wanted to, she felt puzzled about why it felt like such a corrupt idea to stop.
You're alone, she reminded herself.
And it hit her. When on a mission with Neji, the thought of stopping even for two seconds to drink water was not up to discussion, mostly when so close to finishing an assignment. Her muscle memory didn't only seem to remember how to run like she used to, but also how accustomed she was to him and his habits.
She noticed her breathing became more and more elaborate and not because she was running out of stamina. This sudden recollection of him had elicited another wave of angst for which she braced herself and allowed the sadness to stream in. Letting tears fly away as she continued her race back to her village. Only when they blurred her vision did she finally allow herself to stop. Jumping down a tree, her back slid down the trunk, holding her knees close to her and resting her head against the bark of the tree, looking up at the unfairly blue and sunny sky above her.
The only sound accompanying her silent sobbing was the fluttering of wings she had become familiarized to. The previous missions Tenten went on after Neji's death were all clouded with her anger that needed to be channeled in the violent exercise of battle. But this mission was different. It was her coming to terms with her new life, with the loss of her partner, the loss of someone she had grown so used to it felt he was still there, prevailing over her own sense of autonomy.
If she kept her head down while running, she could pretend he was just in front of her. His hair flying back, the black and white fabric of his attire swishing in the wind. And because they mostly shared companionable silences, when she closed her eyes, she could swear on her life she was still running back home with him. Then she'd open them and realize now she could take all the breaks she wanted to take.
Because she alone.
Because he was gone.
And it broke her.
She took a few deep breaths, reminded herself she was close to coming home and that it went well for a first mission. Soon, she would be back in the comfort of her home, and she would have all the luxury to contemplate her feelings or even ignore them by falling asleep. She could even go to his grave and tell him all about how her mission went like she used to do when she'd run back to their training grounds to share with him what happened during their parted times.
The last hours of her mission were spent in a silent battle over herself. Trying to find a balance with observing her feelings without judgment, reminiscing him without chastising herself, but also how to impede those emotions and memories to overpower her.
She remembered one of the nights she had visited Neji's grave while still on her leave. It was a couple weeks after Sakura had visited her for the first time. She encountered Shikamaru on his way out, when she entered the cemetery. He gave her a nod which she returned. As she sat down in front of Neji's grave, a shadow slowly drew itself on the grave she was focused on.
She turned back to see Kakashi towering her. His eye squinted in a smile, which she returned weakly.
"How are you, Tenten?" He asked her pleasantly.
"I'm trying to make it work." She mumbled. "What about you?"
"Trying to make it work also." He continued smiling.
Her swollen eyes went back to the grave of her departed friend.
After a few moments of contemplative silence, she spoke up, her voice still shaky, uncertain :
"Does it ever go away?"
She stood up to face him.
"Does it really get better? Because I don't see how. Sakura says it does, but it's hard to believe."
Kakashi's smile intensified as if to hide his own pain.
"Someone once told me that grief is having to say goodbye when we wish we didn't have to. "He cleared his throat. "I'd amend this statement by saying 'mostly when it's the last thing we want to do.'" He offered. "It is maybe the cruelest form of celebrating life and love."
Tenten didn't bother wiping down the tears rolling down her cheeks. She hated the idea of biding Neji goodbye for good. But it was indeed what has been forced upon her since the moment he made a choice to sacrifice himself for the greater good. And now, for the greater good, she was forced to say goodbye to the one person that mattered most in her life.
"From my experience," Kakashi confided. "Healing grief does not mean it disappears. It stays within you for the rest of your life."
Tenten frowned, eyes cast downwards. She was not surprised since she felt the same way.
"Grief," The older man continued. "Is a beast you can't kill, you learn to tame it. Day by day."
"Tame it?" Tenten repeated.
Looking up at him, she could see the seriousness in his eyes.
"It does get better," He assured her. "Not because you stopped grieving, but because it will become softer, kinder to you. It won't be this monster ripping your heart out like now. It will become kind and gentle."
As Tenten let those words sink in.
"So you live all your life, with a hole in your heart, just hoping you get used to it enough, so it hurts less?" She whispered, incredulous.
Kakashi nodded, smiling.
"Goodnight, Tenten." He said before departing.
"Goodnight, Hokage-same." She said, confused, to his retreating form.
His back still facing her as he was walking away, he raised his hand in the air and waved: "Sensei will be enough."
"And remember," He shouted, almost out of hearing range. "You fill the hole with comrades."
Tenten focused her attention back on the road in front of her. As she recalled Kakashi's words, it didn't look like her grief was yet tamed. Although she admitted to herself, it was less uncontrollable than it had been just a few weeks back.
She could now make out the city's gates, which procured her the motivation she needed to speed up. As she got closer to the gates, she noticed the unmistakable form of the two green beasts of Konoha. The closer she got, the more she could appreciate the discerning features of her teacher and her teammate grinning at her with thumbs up.
They had been waiting for her, expecting her to need them after her first mission since her depression.
Her heart started beating faster while she picked up a rare speed, rushing to meet them, hearing sobs escaping her mouth, not even realizing she had started crying from the moment she saw them. Not realizing how much she had needed them at the moment until she saw them appear.
She rushed past the guards in a fury, threw her arms around Lee's neck, missing the surprised expression of the taijutsu master, almost toppling them on the ground with the sheer force she crashed into him.
Shaking off his surprise and refraining from saying anything, he just looped his arms around her, holding her firmly against him. Both students were soon enveloped in the loving embrace of their sensei, and they stayed there for a few minutes.
She sighed against her friend's chest. It still didn't feel like the usual home she was running to, but it felt like a sort of home nonetheless, and she could only hope, that in time, it would be enough to make her feel as welcomed and safe as when he was the one she would run to.
For once, Tenten was highly grateful for her friends' normal tendency towards public display of affection. They kept her safely tucked in their tight hug until she herself gave them a sign she was ready to be let go, and she could hear Kakashi's voice in her head.
You fill the hole with comrades.
A few days after her mission to Suna-Gakure, Tenten was asked by Hiashi to come earlier for their weekly tea. She was met by Hinata and Hanabi at the entrance, and she followed them wordlessly. Only they didn't head to Hiashi's study; they went another way. And she instinctively knew they would be going to Neji's room. Strangers were seldomly allowed in the Hyuuga compound, and Neji was seldom in his room, so she had only been to his room a few times when he needed to give her something or when he needed to grab something quick in between trainings. The last time she went, there was a little bit after Neji was given commands for the Hyuuga troops.
She always liked walking behind him when they entered the compound; he was so aloof, it almost looked like he didn't notice how other clan members would make way for him, staring at him—the wonder boy. Tenten loved seeing the effect he had on people because, if anything, she was his number one advocate.
Even though Neji was a genius, he was always an underdog in Tenten's eyes. And just like Lee, Neji always felt he had something to prove. Maybe that's why Tenten was so protective of them. Lee wanted to be the strongest possible, and Neji wanted nothing more than to be accepted and valued, even when he tried to hide this unexplainable need behind monologues on fate. Trying to justify his loneliness and bitterness to something unchangeable so he wouldn't have to feel the extent of the hurt inhabiting him, denying his agency helped him deny his need to belong because nothing mattered this way.
He would have never admitted how much he suffered from feeling excluded and abandoned by his clan, by his father's death. But he didn't have to so for Tenten to know. That is why whenever someone would pick on Lee for not being able to do ninjutsu or scowl at Neji for his cold demeanour, she would rush to their defence. They didn't know them like she did, and she despised people judging the two most important men in her life when they couldn't even begin to imagine all the hardships they went through.
I wish Neji had known more love.
Hiashi's words to her rang in her head, and her heart clenched. She wished it too. She understood long ago that the loss of his father and the strict way he was raised in the clan impeded Neji to develop into the man he would have been if he had been loved and appropriately nurtured in his childhood. She knew Neji to be kind, caring and protective. It charred her soul when people would doubt him, but then Neji didn't help his case. She remembered when Hinata was kidnapped, and Kiba didn't trust Neji in saving her. Tenten wanted to shove the dog master up the wall because, frankly, he couldn't even hope to be half the man Neji was if he had gone through the same childhood trauma.
Many people thought that Tenten admired Neji because he was a genius, but the truth is, Tenten admired Neji the same way she did Lee because, in spite of life throwing mountains at them, they still woke up every day and chose to fight and be everything that life told them they couldn't be. Lee became a strong shinobi. Neji, who should have grown bitter, resentful and resigned to a meaningless death for the main branch; he died the prodigy of his clan, hero of the war, protector of those he loved and who loved him, happy and free.
The creaking of Neji's door brought Tenten back from her reminiscing. Hiashi was already in it. They stood silently in the middle of his room, which was very minimalist, like everything in the Hyuuga compound. People often mistook the Hyuuga for lavish people because of their clan reputation and might, but the truth is they lived ordinarily. Tenten suspected it was to impede themselves from losing sight of what was truly important for them: honor, hard work, and power. Neji's room exemplified that perfectly.
Hinata murmured something about going to get boxes and took Hanabi's hand when exiting the room. Hiashi followed his daughters soon after, gently deposing a hand on Tenten's shoulder on his way out.
Tenten was now alone in his room. The eerie silence of his room was only broken by the fluttering wings of flocking birds. It was uncanny how everything was left in its place, untouched. This brought her back to the early days of her grief, where it almost felt as if he was still here. She could swear the door could open anytime, and his eyes would be scanning her in evident confusion. She could almost hear him, asking her why she was here, an eyebrow raised.
For that reason, she was almost scared to move into the room. As if her movements would displace the few particles left of him, the remaining dust that may have brushed his skin while he was still alive.
She took a deep breath to steady her nerves. It still smelled like Neji, fresh morning grass and lightly scented soap. After a few minutes of staying still, eying everything carefully, from his books to the papers organized on his desk, she finally decided to sit on his bed, smoothing his neatly tucked covers over. She wondered what he would think about before falling asleep, what emotions his intensive gaze would hide that would free themselves in the confines of his privacy, and mostly, how now, it didn't matter anymore. All the things she didn't know about him that she would never know now.
To occupy herself away from these torturing thoughts, Tenten got up and opened his closet.
His robes neatly hanging. She touched the fabric remembering every swaying motion in the wind it made, all the time it ripped with accurate kunai thrown at him.
When Hinata, Hanabi, and Hiashi came back with other members of their family, Tenten was neatly folding his clothes on his bed, her face unreadable. They stuffed his life away in three boxes. That is all it took, and Tenten thought it was a cruel joke because Neji was infinitely more than three boxes.
As other clan members came to seal the boxes, Tenten suddenly kneeled next to one of the boxes, impeding them from closing it. She opened it under the quizzical eyes of the Hyuuga family and took one of his white blouses before giving the box back. Behind her back, Hiashi raised a hand to stop one of the Hyuuga members from interfering. Tenten exited the room, holding his clothing pressed to her heart, forcing her eyes to swallow back their tears, waiting after the three Hyuugas she would drink tea with today.
Grief was not linear. Tenten would learn that to her detriment. There were many ups and downs, but the more it went, and the more the ups would overpower the downs. Still, there were many other setbacks. Even years after his death, she found herself crying randomly over his absence.
Sometimes the triggers could be as silly as passing in front of a noodle shop and seeing that the special of the day was herring soba. She'd bite the inside of her cheek, willing her sadness to retreat, just until she got to a safer place where she could let go of her emotions.
Sometimes, they brought her back to earlier stages of her grief than meek sadness.
She'd still taste the bittersweet drops of denial, even a decade after his death. She'd hear something in a high yield mission about a rogue ninja attempting to resurrect someone through a forbidden jutsu, and before she could stop it, her mind would imagine a way for him to come back in her life. She would chase the thought away as fast as it came because nothing scorched her more than false hopes when reminiscing Neji.
She would still try to bargain the situation. She'd ask herself if it wouldn't have been better to never have met him. What if she had been on another team? She could have avoided all this pain of losing him. No one could complain about being locked out of heaven if they never know its existence in the first place. But as soon as this thought would cross her mind, she'd acknowledge she prefers a hundred years of solitude for a few by his side than one carefree life lived without ever experiencing the man he was and everything he was to her.
She would also feel anger again, almost resentment. Most of the time, that anger would be directed at Sasuke Uchiha. When she saw him walking down the street, her heart would darken as if drinking the most bitter of poisons.
Why does he get to live and not Neji? Of all the people? She glared at his back.
He deserted the village, going on his vendetta, endangering those who had always loved and supported him, endangering the Leaf, endangering Neji, who almost died with other shinobi trying to retrieve him. Neji died protecting his best friend, so he still had someone to come home to, while she didn't have that anymore.
Why should someone like Sasuke, who did so much wrong, still got to have his best friend that he neglected? Got to fall in love? While she was deprived of both?
He should have died. Wasn't he supposed to be Naruto's best friend? Why should Neji be the one to sacrifice his life when Sasuke is the one in most need of redemption? The one Naruto sacrificed the most for, asked them to sacrifice the most for?
It sickened her to her stomach. If anybody should have given their lives to protect Naruto, it should have been him, after everything he put him through, after everything he owed to him.
Why did Neji have to be the one to… Tenten stopped herself from this never-ending, nerve-wracking chain of thoughts, feeling the acrid feeling of resentment coming up, like acid bile burning her from inside.
One time, Sasuke caught her glare, and she knew he knew exactly what she was thinking. Nevertheless, she kept glaring, holding his seemingly indifferent stare. Until she realized a tortured man was staring back at her. Being angry at him wouldn't bring back Neji, wouldn't help anyone, and least of all her. She could see in his eyes how he barely forgave himself and struggled moving on and back in his life in Konoha. That day, she decided she would forgive him what he couldn't forgive himself even though everyone else already did.
Fine, she would internally sigh. Fine, fine, fine. I'll stop blaming everyone for his death.
No matter what she told herself, she still found it hard to forgive herself. To not have been able to do something, anything. But she would chase the guilt away, recognizing her setback, letting her grief flow, but setting boundaries to protect herself.
Sometimes the triggers were even tougher to digest. Like one time, about one month back on the job, she went on a mission with Hinata, Lee, and Kiba. The latter two had left the kunoichis to deal with rogue ninjas while they rushed ahead to retrieve a crucial scroll concerning Konoha's safety. When they were fighting off the enemy, and her back pressed to her teammate, they defeated them one by one until the last one was gentle-fisted 20 meters away. Tenten naturally grinned, turned around and exclaimed :
"Great, Neji!"
It lasted only a couple of seconds until she met Hinata's puzzled expression, who then switched to a very aggravated one. Tenten's smile faltered instantly as she recognized her mistake, as reality settled back and it took all her willpower to not cry immediately. For a brief instant, it felt just like before, when her back pressed to his and she forgot herself. Her reflex kicked in, force of habit of always fighting next to him. It shattered her soul to realize yet again how ingrained he was in everything she was, that even after all the grief she went through, it took only one second for her wishful mind to be tricked into this very ephemeral delusion because it yearned for him that much, expected him next to her so instinctively.
On her side, Hinata looked spent and not necessarily from their recent fighting. Her weary traits were uncharacteristic of the calm and kind expressions she usually bore. Both of them dropped to the ground, suddenly very aware of their exhaustion. Tenten decided to lie down; she felt dizzy and nauseous. Hinata hesitantly followed suit as Tenten thought it was a cruel trick of her mind to remind them so harshly of all they both had lost.
"I took him from you," Hinata whispered, which alerted Tenten out of her musings.
"What?" The brunette asked incredulously.
"It's my fault if he died, if you lost him." She said with a shaky voice. "I was not strong enough to protect Naruto-kun and Neji died for my own weakness. And now you're left grieving your partner because I failed to protect them."
The more she talked, the more her voice rose. Tenten didn't have to turn around to know she was crying. A silent tear dropped from the corner of her eye to rolling down her temple as Tenten kept her gaze focused on a starry night.
"Hinata," Tenten murmured resolutely. "I never want you to repeat something of the likes."
Hinata's heart clenched, but before she could say she was sorry, Tenten continued :
"You being alive and well, and bonding with the one man you loved all your life," Tenten's voice broke. "It is one of the most heartwarming things about this fiasco of a war and one of the few things helping me cope with Neji's death."
Hinata sobbed and reached for Tenten's hand.
"You have no idea," Tenten continued. "How much he loved you." She took a pause to stifle a sob. "How much he was proud of you."
Hinata's sobs came out loud as she shut her eyes tightly, tears streaking her opalescent cheeks.
"Since the Chuunin exams, protecting you and helping you grow as one of the greatest privileges he had, and he would have given everything to keep being worthy of it. He always felt guilty for not realizing how much you had also suffered during your childhood and how instead of being a source of comfort to you, he added to it. But mostly, how you kept being so kind and loving and forgiving while he grew resentful and cold.
Tenten took a break to collect her thoughts before continuing :
"And then he heard you sacrificed yourself for Naruto when Pain attacked, and when Sakura was healing you, he just couldn't comprehend why you would endanger yourself the way you did. But he wanted to. He wanted to understand so much because that seemed incredible to him how willing you were to die for someone you loved and admired."
Tenten took a breath from her rambling, images of Neji swarming her, all she knew of him rushing back to her.
"One thing your father was right about the first time we talked after Neji died is that he didn't have enough love in his life. He didn't experience much of it, but a lot of it he experienced thanks to you, Hinata. Seeing you love so fearlessly, it helped open his heart in ways…" Tenten's heart clenched. "You…You-"
Tenten was now crying as much as Hinata, and it became harder and harder to speak through the emotions.
"You amazed him." Tenten hiccupped. "And he loved you, so, so very dearly." Tenten took a deep breath. "Dying for you and dying for the one who saved him and would save you and all us, this was his greatest honor. Never, ever feel guilty for his death, Hinata. That is not how he would want you to remember him."
Hinata helplessly nodded in the dark, tears still freeing themselves out while Tenten covered her mouth with her free hand as if to repress her intensifying cries. The Hyuuga heiress squeezed her friend's hand, who pressed it back.
Neither knew how much time they laid there, under the stars, holding each other's hand tightly, crying their shared loss.
"He loved you too, Tenten." Hinata finally managed to say once her heaving calmed down.
"Love is a big word for Neji Hyuuga when you're not family." Tenten chuckled through the tears.
"But he did," Hinata said softly. "I was going through his stuff…"
Hinata took a pause to calm the rushing emotions. "I'm sorry, remembering how we had to empty his room is still difficult to me."
Tenten nodded, also remembering that day, faint memories of fresh soap scent in his room filling her mind.
"When," Hinata began again. "When I went through his stuff, I found a journal where he logged each of his training sessions."
Tenten laughed a little. "Typical Neji."
"Yes." Hinata chuckled. "But one entry was different than all the others. Instead of specifics about his training, he had written, 'My present goal is to help Tenten get rid of her depression. Neji's trainings were something he would have never sacrificed. You know the most important thing for him was to train to become stronger and all his goals were aimed at that pursuit. But that day, and the only day in his journal, he decided to make one exception."
Hinata turned her face to her friend, who did the same, locking eyes.
"And that exception was you, Tenten," Hinata murmured. "You were the only one he could put above the most important thing in life because, to him, your happiness was more important than his own. And it may not seem much, but trust me on this, with how Hyuuga are raised into repressing their emotions, this was his way of loving you."
Tenten's cries increased, and Hinata pulled her in a hug, and Tenten fathomed that grief was not only hurting, but also the comfort that came with it, through the connections you make with those who share the same affection for the one you lost.
"Thank you." The weapon specialist whispered.
"No, thank you," Hinata replied in between sobs.
Several minutes went by until they felt ready to get up again. When they sat back, Hinata whispered to her friend :
"I didn't tell you earlier, but Kiba and Lee came back a while ago. They just didn't know how to interrupt us. I could see them with my byakugan." She giggled softly, wiping tears.
Tenten laughed lightly. She gave one last smile to her friend, who squeezed her hand back, before calling them: "Lee! Kiba!"
And as they made their way to them, Tenten added to Hinata: "Also, I am not so sure about Hyuuga's reputation of repressing feelings anymore… Have you seen your dad lately?"
Hinata's eyes narrowed, and she let out in a horrified gasp: "Oh, I know."
She shook her head. "He even tried to hug me last time."
When their teammates arrived, they found both kunoichis laughing.
"What are we laughing at?" asked Lee, ready to share the humorous joy.
"My father," Hinata said at their incredulous looks before joining her female friend in another fit of laughs.
Lee and Kiba shared a puzzled look, for all they knew, Hiashi inspired many feelings, but comic relief was not one of them.
Calling out Neji's name out of habit happened many times after this first incident. If anything, it served as a reminder of the unique connection she shared with him. She shed tears after each and every one of them, missing him with all her might. The cries became less painful, from scorching to bittersweet to more bearable and like Kakashi promised, they were almost gentle and kind. Like a soft breeze of nostalgia, caressing her heart.
There were still times where Tenten would lay awake in her bed, a forgotten memory reappearing suddenly. One, in particular, had been a difficult one to digest. She remembered how he had smiled tenderly at her upon hearing weird noises coming from the weapons inventor, when they went to the second weapons retrieval mission just before the war. She doesn't know why this memory came to her all of a sudden, but when it did, it was a difficult one to shake.
Maybe it was because of how this souvenir encapsulated their relationship perfectly, how they could recall a whole story just by sharing one glance, how she was the only one privy to one of the few emotional expression of Neji, worthy enough after a lifetime of commitment to each other, to view nostalgia and tenderness on his features. Maybe it was because this was the last time they had spent together, close to each other, unknowingly relishing in their last mission together. But in the end, all she knew was she missed him, she missed him so, so much. She would crawl on broken glass all the way to the weapons genius' hut if it meant seeing Neji's expression of shared recollection and affection one last time.
This memory was surprisingly so strong, she had to take another week off just to process the resurging grief. There were still times like these where she would go back to the comfort of her bed and let the waves of sorrow eat at her soul, patiently waiting for more clement seas before getting up again and fighting for another day.
There were also other setbacks, more obvious like his birthday or the anniversary of his death. In those times, she felt lucky she could surround herself with Neji's friends and family. On the first anniversary of his death, she ate herring soba with the Hyuuga, she even received a hug from Hiashi, who had proven itself very useful at making her forget, for a moment at least, her resurging sadness, for the experience had left her shell-shocked during a good five minutes.
Obviously, she went straight to Neji's grave the following day to tease him about how he missed out on his very cold and serious uncle warming up enough to give hugs unreservedly to his daughters and his nephew's crazy "little dragon" friend. Which were Hiashi's words, she would notify Neji because since she fired up his kaiten, he decided the surname felt very appropriate. Though Tenten would never know, Hiashi also chose this surname because it was thought the dragon was the yang and the phoenix was the yin, and whenever the clan head's eyes landed on the Hyuuga crest, he couldn't help but think of Neji and Tenten.
When she looked back on it, the first year of her grief was definitely the hardest. The more and more her depression was alleviating, the more and more she tried to regain her usual activities.
It was weird going back to her life now that Neji was dead. It was a readaptation in itself, like an amputee has to relearn everything they used to do but now with a missing limb: Tenten, similarly, had to relearn doing many things while composing with Neji's absence.
There were a lot of painful first. The first training without him. The first bathhouse on a break day without him. Her first birthday without him. The first lunar festival where he wouldn't be there. The first herring soba she ate without him. The first time she got distracted and almost missed a kunai flying at her that Neji would have caught if he had been there. The first time she put Gai-sensei and Lee back in their place, without the scolding gaze of Neji. The first time Lee and Gai-sensei left her to train alone.
The first time she went on a date, the forbidden feeling of wishing it was Neji, thinking of him all the time, lying to the man in front of her, assuring him she was not distracted, simply tired from her last mission. The first time she thought about getting married. The first time she thought about having kids. The first time she held metal Lee in her arms and was so convinced Neji was just behind her, ogling the little bundle, that she turned her head back, smiling, expecting to see his narrowed eyes, restraining himself from looking too awestruck by the cuteness of Lee's baby.
She relearned, slowly but surely, how a life without him could function.
In all and all, she felt lucky to be surrounded by her friends. Sometimes Sakura would come to the bathhouse with her, and other times she would train with Hinata. Lee came earlier than usual to accompany her during her early morning sessions. Ino would often join her and sit down with her on a bench while Tenten fed birds while she excitedly shared some new gossip.
Word on the street has it there might be something budding between Shikamaru and Temari, and Ino was all there for it and teasing to death her lazy genius of a childhood friend.
And even when they grew a little apart when they started going in different paths of life, when each was growing families, careers, or big dreams, they would still meet as if no time had passed, as the kindred souls they were.
Her life didn't just rearrange itself by encompassing his absence but also by creating new habits in honour of her departed friend.
In the morning, before Lee came, Tenten also got in the habit of sitting down where her teammate previously sat and would try to meditate. At first, it was a total disaster because everything would sidetrack her and the lack of stimulation felt unnerving. More and more, she learned to appreciate the exercise of refocusing her energy and observing her emotional and physical situations without judgment. She also noticed it helped her fights by giving her a more calm and collected approach to strategizing while battling. For example, every morning before heading to the clearing and every time she returned from a mission, Tenten would pass by his grave and update him on everything happening in Konoha that she knew of.
Two years after Neji's death, she still couldn't say for sure she had accepted his death. Maybe resigned to it was a more accurate word because even with all the progress she had made, there was still a bitterness attached to it.
Hinata's wedding was only a couple of days ahead, and she had been agonizing over which gift would suit her best. She was sitting on a trunk, playing with a kunai absent-mindedly, thinking of what Neji would have given her had he been there. I'm sure he would have found something meaningful, or maybe he would just have raised a brow at Naruto's extended and expecting hand, telling him his benediction of their union should be enough.
Tenten smiled. Yes, he would probably have done something like that.
"Ah, marrying for love," Tenten said to herself, playing with a kunai in hand, wondering if she should maybe give it a thought too instead of always being so focused on training.
Her thoughts were soon interrupted by an overexcited Lee, almost crashing on her. They spent the next day wondering which gift would suit the couple best, and Lee, the following day, came with the ridiculous notion Neji's ghost appeared in front of him, repeating "Strength over endurance."
And even if she would scoff in front of her team, when she returned to her home that evening, she stopped in a small fortune-telling shop. She entered with chimes eerily singing over her head, and she was met by an old lady, with as many wrinkles as trinkets in her overcrowded tiny shop. The lady smiled warmly at her, almost as if she had recognized her soul instantly, but then her smile softened with tender melancholy.
"I have many things, my dear, for many people, needing many miracles." She told her gently. "But I have nothing for broken hearts such as yours."
Ignoring the hollow hurt the old lady's constatation caused her, Tenten blurted out, earnest: "Do ghosts exist?"
The old lady's smile widened, approaching her slowly, her heavy footsteps shuffling on the floor. She took her hand in hers, tracing the lines of Tenten's palm with her wrinkled index.
"My, my, so young. So much strength." The old lady whispered. "So tragic, but so much love."
She looked at Tenten, her melancholic smile reaching her eyes: "Do you want ghosts to exist?"
And Tenten honestly didn't know what to think. Part of her would like to imagine Neji still here, in a way, but overall she couldn't bear the idea of him not at peace and free.
"I don't know," Tenten said, lost in her thoughts.
The old lady closed Tenten's hand in her own.
"The man you want most, that you need most." The old lady looked gently at her, a gleam in her eyes as if she knew the end of a story Tenten was unaware of.
"You'll see him again." The shopkeeper whimsically concluded, to Tenten's stupefaction.
Tenten does not remember much after, except having bought a deck of tarot cards and that since that moment, Tenten became fascinated by the idea of ghosts and that divination arts became sort of a new hobby. Nobody would ever know, even though Lee doubted it, that this newfound interest sprung entirely from her need to feel a little bit of him again in her life and that it would follow her all her life.
Hinata's wedding was exquisite and grandiose. Tenten observed the married couple, thinking back on how they grew up, how far they came. Images of a young Hinata admiring Naruto from afar when everybody turned his back on him clashed with the beautiful young woman in a kimono for whom the blond now only had eyes for.
She smiled.
She also mused over how their personality changed. Hinata grew more confident and Naruto calmer, as if both their characters flew in each other. A yin and yang shaped out of mutual love. She could also see the everlasting effect of their shared grief over Neji's death. The seriousness replacing ancient innocent and carefree traits, far away glances lost in too-early life tragedies; just like her they bore the burden and privilege of carrying his death and the love they held for him.
As Naruto and Hinata came marching, Tenten would lie if she said that the faintest images of her and Neji walking down a similar aisle didn't make their uninvited way into her mind before she would disapprovingly cast them, ignoring the heat from her flushed cheeks. Flush that didn't escape Gaara's scrutinizing eyes with whom she had spent a great deal of the day accompanied by Kankuro and Lee. Earlier that day, when Lee and Kankuro were busy arguing over the necessity of Gaara needing to dance, Gaara turned toward her, his face as emotionless as ever and asked her how she was doing. And she knew he meant how her team was doing with Neji being gone.
"I am thankful for your team's efforts in rescuing me all those years ago. Neji was a great shinobi and he died a hero."
The words escaped his mouth almost robotically. He wanted to say something comforting to the kunoichi, but remembering his own grief with his deceased mother, he knew few words could actually comfort her.
"When someone we love leaves, they always leave a mark," Gaara added more kindly. "I can still feel my mom's love and protection through my sand, just as I can feel still feel Neji in the way you carry him with your devotion to him."
Tenten was surprised by Gaara's words, not expecting him to open up this way. She smiled tenderly at Naruto's influence and how she could see in Gaara so many similarities with Neji, mostly their cold demeanor and how significant Naruto's impact was for them, how it freed them from their loneliness and bitterness.
She smiled warmly at Gaara and silently muttered a 'thank you' before chastising Lee over his monologue on the youthfulness of dancing and how he would dance 10 hours straight to prove his dedication for Hinata and Naruto's youthful union.
Nobody would ever know she lost her virginity to Gaara a few hours after the end of the celebrations. Nobody.
Once Naruto and Hinata departed merrily, under a rain of rice and well wishes, everyone was either passed out drunk or nowhere to be found. And as Gaara gave up on finding his sister who mysteriously disappeared with a pineapple haired shinobi an hour ago. He sat down exhausted on an empty table, taking in the scattered remains of a well-lived party that would remain one of his best memories.
"Mind if I join?"
His gaze looked up at brown orbs as Tenten sat herself down, rubbing her the sole of her feet, heels in hand. She smiled at him. In the crisp air of rising dawn, they sunk comfortably in those cozy and insightful heartfelt talks you could only get into past 3 AM, delving in an easy trust and openness brought by a mix of sleep deprivation and the eerily quiet of an ending summer night.
Maybe it was because Gaara's aloofness reminded her so strongly of Neji and perhaps it was because Tenten's eyes reminded him so much of his mother's.
They could blame it on the alcohol or how their tired minds were not thinking things through after the biggest social event of the decade. They could blame it on not being able to find Lee and Temari. They could blame it on the myriad of emotions and how such a demonstration of love lit a yearning in them.
But one thing is sure, they don't necessarily remember how they got in his room. Or if they even wanted to remember anything at all because everything about that night felt weird and out of place.
Tenten would still stop, weeks later, in mid-training to cringe at how unsure she felt when trying to kiss him and not sure if she was putting her lips over his correctly. Waving off a concerned Lee, because if he knew she had lost her precious lotus to the guy he fought back in his youthful days, she would never hear the end of it.
And Gaara would still, months later in a meeting with his council, squeeze his eyes, shut in annoyance, when remembering how he accidently hit her chin trying to remove those stupid bandages off her chest. Ignoring his questioning sister, because if she knew he became a man with the girl she fought back in her earlier years, he would never hear the end of it.
It may have been clumsy and awkward, but there was still softness and tenderness in the act. A dance of two lonely souls, giving in to each other. Relishing in new sensations, in an unexpected bond they had formed.
When they broke their embrace and turned on their sides, Tenten would pretend she didn't notice his sand making a wall between them because for him, it was probably the most vulnerable he had ever felt and it annoyingly panicked him a bit.
On his side, Gaara would pretend he didn't hear her silent cry before they both fell asleep or the tremors her shaking shoulders produced on the mattress; because for her, it felt as if she grew up from the girl she was, the girl Neji knew, growing further away from him than ever before, missing him even more so in this instant she craved his touch above all else.
If their first encounters afterward were a bit awkward, it didn't take long for them to go back to a comfortable relationship. Really, it didn't even stop them from repeating the experience a few other times, growing more comfortable and confident with each of their secret meets. It was like visiting an old friend, but with certain benefits. For they both knew their vulnerable states and how charmingly screwed up the other was, without any aim at changing each other or tying the other down; their relationship felt safe, platonically, affectionately and sexually satisfyingly safe.
Years later, Gaara would one day tell her jokingly that her sister would kick her ass again if she found out about it.
To which Tenten laughed and replied, the faintest sadness in her voice: "I grew up a lot since then."
And something in her heartfelt a little bit more heavy, this little empty place that would forever be left for him and only him. While Tenten couldn't quite grasp why her heart started longing for older days, going back to her first chuunin exams; Gaara silently noted that yet again, the kunoichi couldn't come to terms with growing up so far away from her teammate, the one who could no longer predict every move she would have used if ever, his sister indeed decided to kick the weapons specialist's ass again.
Gaara gazed at her pensive form, observing the woman she became and smiled to himself, suddenly not so sure his sister could kick her ass anymore.
It would be months after Naruto and Hinata's wedding that Tenten could even consider the word "acceptance" as a possibility. When Hinata gave birth to Boruto and when she held the tiny infant in her arms, it was the first time Tenten could feel some sort of happiness and peace at Neji's sacrifice.
You did this, Neji. Tenten would think. This little miracle is part of your legacy.
Tenten discovered she had commitment issues about three years after Neji died. The first time, she decided to give a man a shot and think about a serious relationship.
He had invited her to a restaurant, after carefully avoiding places with herring soba in their menu, gracious tip offered by the strange teammate of his date, that found a way to track him down, running to him on his hands, nearly scaring him off to death. But he was every bit as helpful, telling him exactly how to treat the precious lotus of his team youthfully. To which, when hearing about it, Tenten retaliated with a series of kunai aimed straight at her teammate's groin in their next training session before turning back to hug him and thank him softly at the end.
The date went perfectly well, and when she recounted it later to Hinata, Ino and Sakura, their little squeals drove the nail home on how enamoured he was. From the carefully chosen flowers that earned Ino's approval, to his gentleman behaviour that elicited an appreciative smile from Hinata and the sweetness of his declaration of how he had had a crush on her since their academy days, which produced a little shriek 'how cute' from Sakura; he seemed in all aspect a perfect match to the weapons mistress.
But when the girls were hanging on her every word to know when their next date would occur, all of them nearly fell out of Tenten's bed when she admitted she had no intention of seeing him again and that no matter how cute he was, she simply couldn't see herself with him and imagining anything serious made her as uncomfortable as the idea of having to kiss Orochimaru, which profoundly disturbed everyone in the room.
Hinata, Sakura and Ino, and often Temari, would come over regularly for a girls' night, giving them a break from their new mom responsibilities and leaving the babies in the care of their overwhelmed fathers. Months after months of this weekly tradition, they heard of her dates after dates with potential suitors, which always ended up with Tenten announcing she would not see them again.
"Honestly, it's like you're framing them." Ino once threw her hands up in defeat.
"What do you want? What do you need in a man for you to finally say, 'Ok, let's give it a shot?" Ino asked her, trying to conceal her annoyance at Tenten rejecting yet another prospect she had found for her. Prospect, she might add, that was perfect, and not just because it was one of her older cousins and Yamanaka men were incredibly handsome and Ino would have none of it if anyone ever disagreed with that statement.
"I don't know," Tenten shrugged. "I'm not sure what I want, but I know what I don't want, and I don't want him." She said as a matter of fact.
Ino pinched her lips in a fine line before sighing and turning her gaze to Hinata and Sakura. All three of them exchanged a knowing look, that even Temari could understand because as much as Tenten would deny it, they all knew what she truly wanted in a man and they all knew how impossible it was to help her find it.
After a few more dating attempts that even left Gai-sensei dubitative on Tenten's decaying springtime of womanhood, Tenten was forced to admit there was nothing wrong with these men but that she was the common denominator of why it didn't work.
She had many other discussions with Hiashi about her settling down while friend after friend of hers did so. She had decided to not actively look, but she wouldn't be opposed to it either if by a miracle it ever happened. For her, marriage was not a life goal in itself but something she hoped to share and relish in if she met someone she truly loved.
She hadn't so far, but it didn't pain her so anymore. Like she told Hiashi many times, being married and having kids was not something that would elevate her happiness. Those notions felt tasteless to her if it was done for the sake of being done and not as the natural outcomes of loving someone earnestly.
Neji would forever be the most special person in her life, only now, it didn't pain her anymore to realize it. There was only tenderness and pure affection at the reminiscence of his existence in her life.
Furthermore, even though she was no wife or mother, she felt very loved and even experienced some little motherhood joy when Lee came back with a little baby he decided to name Metal Lee. Since then, she has loved that child as if it were her own and even taught him all he needed to know in terms of weaponry.
It was certainly not his father who would have, she mentally scoffed.
In the end, she lacked nothing, had all the freedom to pursue her dreams, continued being a powerful, skilled kunoichi; she felt at ease with her path. Yet, she couldn't shake Hiashi's melancholic smile during those conversations, for deep within, they both knew her heart may have been filled with comrades; there was still this part that could never be filled by anyone else but him.