Hello, we've got another chapter here. Thank you for the encouraging reviews, I've decided to keep the 2nd person POV and I hope you enjoy this. For the guest Patsy who said in her review that for some reason her previous reviews don't show - sorry, I don't know what happened, I checked the settings and everything seemed ok. Also, the chapter 4 review showed just fine. Thank you very much for reading this story, I'm always glad to see a fellow MerDer addict here.
Chapter 5: Gained sister
Meredith's POV:
Derek is moved to the rehab center because his wounds are mostly healed now. The atmosphere in there is surely calmer and they can focus on whatever physical and mental capabilities he needs to improve. What you are focusing on right now is your image in the mirror. You feel like your baby bump wasn't visible yesterday and it is now. You have always been slender and this is your second pregnancy – well, actually the third, but you hate to think about the day when the man came to the hospital, shot your husband and one of your best friends and you lost the baby you didn't know you wanted so much. Anyway, you feel your belly is definitely bigger than it was with Bailey at this point. There are also blue lines covering your abdomen and breasts – veins visible because of your increased blood supply.
You don't really feel like showing off your baby bump all around so you attempt to hide it with big sweater and coat. At the hospital labcoat will do the work. You are seriously not in the mood for talking about it with people who are not Derek and being asked questions. With Derek the talk is sadly one-sided but you still like to tell him everything.
...
You sit in his room which is colorful, spacious, full of spring sunlight and surely offers Derek more stimuli than the one in the hospital. You also brought things which may be familiar to him and happy to share those information you're talking about the babies bones and teeny tooth buds developing now. Also fingers, toes and nails are forming. You know it's irrational, but you're so proud of your little baby. You blame it on the hormones. Derek does't give much indicaton he's heard you today and you try not to be sad because of it. When you imagine him lying on that gurney with intubated mouth, all battered, Miranda Bailey tending to him, you are reminded how much better he is now.
Your friends noticed you are looking happier and more relaxed. It's mostly because of Derek. He's still in PVS, but he's definitely slowly improving. His eyes are mostly open, he smiles sometimes, he can respond to simple requests and his range of motion is wider. At the hospital it's kind of a slow day, but you definitely won't say it out aloud because you don't wanna ruin it. You are sitting in the attendinds lounge with your feet up on the couch, chilling. "Hey Mer, move over," Maggie and Alex come with smiles on their faces so it looks like the surgery on the 8-year old boy with a heart condition and liver problems went fine.
"Chad made it through with flying colors," Alex says and takes the muffin from the plate on the table. "Hey, where did you get these muffins?"
"Mmm," you are munching one just now so you do not respond for a few seconds.
"Today is a good day," says Maggie happily. "How about we head to Joes in the evening?"
Yeah, it's kind of sad you haven't been there for so long. But with Derek, the kids, work and everything going on recently it just wasn't on the table. And well...bar isn't exactly the place for you to be right now.
"Ok, we can, but..." a doctor from cardio you don't really know is heading out of the lounge and you wait till he walks outside and closes the door, "Um, but I won't be drinking." You think Maggie replies something like Why? but really, you are looking at Alex who's also looking at you, smiling.
"You are good. So you'd be good. You'd be a good mom."
Alex, 6x19 Sympathy for the Parents
"Shepherd knocked you up again?" he smirks.
"Yeah," you let out a small chuckle. Your stomach still feels really bloated, but at the thought of your baby you smile contendedly. Though it fades soon. He did knock me up. Before...you know. Alex understands what you are thinking as he watches your changing expressions and you don't have to explain any further. Maggie pulls you in the hug though, offers giddy congratulations and then proceeds to talking your ear off. You're not really sure what she's saying.
...
Ok, you are not going to great lenghts to hide your bump and slightly bigger breasts anymore, but you really don't like pulling any unnecessary attention to those. You are thankful for scrubs because they are comfortable and also camouflaging enough. You get a little alarmed though when you realize you need scrubs one size bigger – with Bailey you definitely didn't need them at 11 weeks. It's strange, really. With having to take care of everything, always running here and there and working full time, you surely don't have time for eating too much and putting on any additional weight. Or even eating properly – you scold yourself and promise you will try to do better, but you're not too sure how it goes. You guess that thing about being bigger when the person is pregnant for the second or third time is really true.
...
Well. Good days alternate with not so good days. Today you had two patients in critical condition. You are just exhausted, Derek was grumpy during your visit and right now your stomach is squeaking but also churning. You are hungry, but you don't feel like you could keep anything down. Maybe some ginger crackers will help. You go to the kitchen at your house prepared to look for some in the cabinets. But you spot Amelia leaning over the kitchen counter, taking some pills from the plastic container and swallowing them, drinking water next. "Amelia! What are..." you jump close to the counter and see what kind of pills she's actually taking.
Amelia's POV:
"Seriously Meredith?! You have to watch me whatever I do?! Afraid I'm using or something?!"
"No, it's not that..." Meredith starts in a small voice.
"Well, thank you very much!" you slam the glass on the counter forcefully, spilling the water. "Those are prenatal vitamins actually! Just so you know," you shout. You are very angry about people often assuming you are taking drugs. It is really humiliating.
Meredith does something really weird – she sniffles. And then you see tears spilling from her eyes. By the time you process what's happening, she makes a bitter chuckle. Now you are confused. And although it feels really uncomfortable, you ask her: "What's wrong, Meredith?"
Meredith's POV:
When you saw the pills, you could only think about the fact that you have the same ones in the cabinet at your bedside. And now you laugh hysterically while your cheeks are wet from tears. You laugh bitterly: "What's wrong? What's wrong...everything! Everything is wrong! I'm...I'm so angry and jealous of you!" Amelia said something similar to Addison once but you don't know that. "Because you have this great guy, your baby has a father who is not comatose, not dead and so caring and will soon be hovering over you to the point of pissing you off and worshipping you like crazy and getting you all late night cravings and kissing your belly," you cannot stop the verbal flow now. Derek was all that, he did all those things during your pregnancy with Bailey and you are heartbroken because now he can't and he may never get to do anything similar again. You are sure Owen will behave the same way with Amelia and their baby. Even though you've had your quarrels with Owen, you can still admit he is a great guy. "But aside from all that you two will be driving each other crazy...and I would give anything to do those things! To fight with Derek for hours and then just have him bring me ice cream and immediately forgive him everything! I would give anything to hear him cheesily talk to my belly and all but I don't have that. He is the best father in the world but he might never be there for this baby!"
Amelia's POV:
When you realize what Meredith is saying, you are shocked.
"You know I told him I could live without him?" she laughs bitterly some more, "I mean, what the heck was I thinking?!"
You try to offer whatever comfort you can and you grasp her hand. You hold onto it almost like you do or used to do with Owen when comforting each other. "I don't think I can," Meredith sobs. "Few years ago he...he got shot," she says with another sob, "And I told him I couldn't live without him. And he...pulled through. But this time I told him I could and he just goes out and lets himself get ran over?!" her tone is changing now. "I told him I didn't want to live without him! Does that count for nothing?! SERIOUSLY, Derek?! I...I hate him! I hate your brother so much right now," she shouts. Then she breaks down and you awkwardly envelop her in a hug. She is very irrational now, but at this moment you completely understand her. You get the sister you gained through Derek much better than you get your actual sisters most of the time.
And then you tell her something you never used to tell anyone, but you actually revealed to Owen earlier this year, to Alex recently and now it became really important: "You know Mer...I gave birth to the anencephalic baby a few years ago. My...my late fioncé, he was already dead then."
"You never cried over the body of a person you loved the most in this world. You don't now how that messes a person up."
(Amelia, 11x19 Crazy Love)
Meredith's breath hitches: "Amelia, I'm so sorry, I didn't want..."
You just sniff: "I didn't mean to make you feel bad. I just...you know, you can do this. You will get through this. Pushing through...that's what we do." You make a very little smile and wink: "Just so you know...I understand. I'm qualified to tell you how you survive."
Meredith's POV:
You contemplate Amelia's words and the new feeling of being really close with her. But she suddenly looks unsure and scared: "You know...this is not me meaning to ease your situation in any way but...I mean I AM so scared! I...I...What if this baby is not ok? What if they have...or haven't...I don't know! I don't think I could get through it. I don't think I could handle again if my baby was sick." You really want to comfort Amelia but you find yourself not being able to. You squeeze her hand some more, but all Amelia's concerns just make you conteplate the health of your own baby, your age of 38 and previous miscarriage. After a while you stand up.
"Sorry, I...I'm sorry. I need to go to see him. Zola and Bailey are sleeping but if they need something, can you look after them?"
"Okay."
You leave the house and head to the rehab center, putting your card for visiting Derek whenever to good use. You go into his room and although you just watch his sleeping form, you feel you are where you should be.
This is the right place for me to be, this is the right thing for me to do. (Ellis Grey)