"I have to admit," John said as he sat down. "I did have something I wanted to talk to you about. It's why I invited you over."
Sara was about to take a sip of bourbon, but put her glass down instead. She was suddenly nervous about what John was about to say. Would he want to rekindle their relationship? She wasn't sure what she thought about this. She had accepted his invitation because she wanted to show that she still wanted to be in his life. But what did she want? Did she want more? She pondered this, while John continued to talk. She nearly held her breath waiting for the words, remembering them like it was yesterday, I want you.
But when she listened to what John was saying, she realized that wasn't what he was asking at all. "It was Bernie's idea. He wanted me to do an ongoing series, shadowing your work. After the Libby Hatch case, there was a lot of interest and intrigue about you and your agency. Bernie wanted me to ask you if you'd be agreeable to me working alongside you, making notes of what you did for the next few weeks and writing it into a weekly or maybe daily piece. Just to give the readers an idea of what the work and agency is like."
Sara is taken aback, having been so sure John was going to bring up their relationship that she was speechless.
"Of course I told Bernie it would be extremely intrusive to your daily life. I insisted that I wouldn't interfere, and may even assist as I have before. To be useful." John continued.
Sara found her voice again. "This was your boss' idea John?" She asked casually. It certainly would be an easy way for John to assert himself into her life again.
John didn't seem to catch her intention and just nodded. "I knew you'd be hesitant."
Sara frowned as she realized he was being truthful and nodded slowly. "Do let me think about it John. If," she added, "I was agreeable to the arrangement, there would need to be anonymity where my clients are involved."
He nodded. "Of course. I didn't think it would be something you'd be interested in." He seemed to dismiss the subject before she'd even given him an answer.
"Let me think about it and I'll let you know."
"Of course. Don't feel pressured to agree to it. It is very intrusive." John took a drink. "And please don't be concerned for spending time with me. You've made it very clear that we are friends and nothing more. I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize that."
Sara didn't know what to say because John had just closed the topic before she'd even had a chance to make a decision about anything.
"And after what I went through with Violet," John continued, "I believe it is better for myself and anyone involved, to not pursue another relationship for a long while."
"Of course," Sara said. "It was a terrible blow. It will take some time for you to recover, but you're resilient John. I know you'll land on your feet soon enough and you will be ready to open your heart to another." Did she want it to be her, she asked herself.
John sat back in his chair and took another drink, his words coming out slightly faster, a bit more scattered as though he was having a conversation aloud to himself and not to her, sitting across from him.
"I didn't tell you the whole truth about Violet."
Sara wanted to say that she didn't need to hear about it, that it obviously caused him pain to talk about it, but she also wanted to know so she said nothing.
"The night of the engagement party is when Violet…seduced me. I say it that way because there had been nothing physical between us before that time. She seemed in a hurry, like she needed the deed to be done quickly to seal our deal, so to speak. We didn't speak of it again and I didn't think anything of it. We were already engaged, our marriage mere weeks away. But when she told me she was with our child, I had no reason to suspect that she was being dishonest." John paused. "Violet was a delicate creature, unsure of herself and her place in life. She wanted so badly to be married to me, to take my name and cement her place in society. A few weeks later, I caught her drinking whiskey and she was rather emotional and manic. We fought and she broke down and admitted that she wasn't having our child after all."
Sara looked at John sympathetically, but he shook his head. "That wasn't the end of it though. She was wracked with guilt because after we'd been together, she worried it wouldn't be enough to secure our future, so she went to Hearst and his solution was for her to be with another man to make sure she would be with child." He gripped his drink tightly and Sara inhaled sharply.
"When I confronted Hearst, he was almost casual about the situation. He talked about how Violet wasn't strong in these matters, but now that she had done, what could not be undone, that I could certainly bargain. That the marriage could go forward and I could discreetly have affairs and Violet wouldn't be able to say anything about it."
Sara took a large gulp of bourbon, feeling the burn down her throat. This was so much worse that what she had imagined. No wonder John was a near mess.
"Of course I declined, I was either going to be married for the right reason or not at all. So Hearst made the situation go away. He made up a story that Violet had fallen ill and needed to be sent away to be healed. I don't know if this was truthful, if she was with a child, but I believed she was ill in some way. Of course the newspapers didn't quite buy the story and I've been hounded for the truth ever since."
Sara let out a long breath. "I don't even know what to say John."
John chuckled, but it wasn't in amusement. "I think you could say when it comes to love, I'm better off being with no one. First Julia then Violet and…" he looked at her and she knew he was about to say her and she wouldn't be able to deny it.
She had refused him, sure that he was only interested in her for so long because she would not return his affections. When she had decided that fateful morning to be with John, she felt it was a goodbye. She knew he was to marry another and even though she felt guilt, she had decided that she wanted to be with someone just once that cared and loved her as much as John loved her. But looking back at it now, she realized she'd given false hope to John…and to herself if she was being honest. They couldn't be together, it would have been scandalous. Hearst would have ruined them both. But now, seeing John in such a dark state, she wondered what would have happened if he'd been the one to end his engagement to Violet.
"You need time is all John," Sara said with a slight smile. "You are the most optimistic person I know and if you aren't hopeful, I'm afraid we're all lost."
John looked at her over his glass. "What happened in Boston Sara?" He asked softly.
Sara's heart dropped. Of course, he of all people would know that she was not being truthful. After what he had just told her, as much as she didn't want to tell him the horrible tale, she felt she owed him a truth. Somehow it was easier to say this, then admit what her emotions were after what John had just told her.
"I was approached by the mother of a former classmate of mine, Marie Darnwell. Her mother was very concerned, because Marie had let for Boston a month earlier and her mother had not heard from her again. Marie was a very studious, responsible girl when I knew her in college. She was extremely intelligent and wanted to get into the medical field and become a surgeon. I admired her determination and it certainly inspired me to push forward with my studies and profession."
Sara sat back in the sofa, trying to feel comfortable enough to continue. John's warm gaze was all she needed. "Marie was very serious in her studies and had near perfect concentration. She knew how to push away distractions, and while I considered her a friend, I never really knew her. She was a difficult person to know."
John raised an eyebrow and Sara shook her head. "I am an open book next to Marie. And when her mother called me, I wondered if she'd just become so consumed by her focus that she had forgotten to contact her mother. She had received an invitation from a doctor in Boston that was interested in mentoring her. He was a bit of an eccentric and felt that a female mind would open the profession to a new place. I discovered when I went to Boston that they had met a number of times, but one day she didn't meet him at an agreed upon time. He wondered if he'd been too tough on her and she'd returned to New York." Sara shook her head. "Marie was strong. She would have never been deterred by a harsh mentor."
Sara took a drink before she continued. "Elizabeth and I questioned everyone we could find, the rooming house where Marie was staying, the hospital staff she would have come into contact with, the restaurants she went to eat. A few people felt that Marie had started an inappropriate relationship with the doctor who was to mentor her and had left when it had ended, but I didn't believe that, if felt like mere gossip. And then one night we were contacted by the hospital that Marie had been found. I went to the morgue and identified her body. She had been strangled and left in an alley."
She heard the intake of John's breath and shook her head sadly. "We stayed for as long as we could, but the case was cold and we never found out who had killed Marie. The police department listed it as robbery, but I didn't believe it. Strangling someone is a very personal act. The killer would need to get close to their victim and could watch them as the life was slowly drained out of them." Sara stopped.
"You think she knew her killer?" John asked.
Sara nodded. "We just couldn't prove it. I felt horrible for leaving Boston without answers for Marie's mother and Marie. I felt I owed her so much more than that."
John shook his head. "I can understand why you didn't want to talk about it."
At that moment, the clock struck eleven and Sara pulled herself out of her thoughts. "I should be going John. Its gotten late." She stood as did John.
They walked to the door and she turned to him. "Thank you for the lovely evening and meal John. I did miss this while I was away."
Sara pondered what she'd just told John and what John had told her. She felt they were both a little battered and worn by the evening. She leaned into him, embracing him briefly, his hand resting on her lower back for a moment before she pulled away.
"I have as well Sara," John said truthfully. "Can I wait with you for a carriage?"
Sara shook her head, smiling softly. "I will see myself off just fine John."
Sara stepped outside, grateful for the cooler air that she breathed into her lungs. She waved down a cab in no time and got into the carriage. She felt exhausted by the evening, but it felt a relief in a way. John did mean the world to her. She couldn't imagine her life without him in it. And she wondered for a moment if this could be a new beginning for the both of them.