The Carbones Chapter 5: Too Sexy For Her Brain, a daria fanfic

Opening Montage

Music: "High School Never Ends" by Bowling For Soup

Open with a shot of Quinn in the kitchen making a S'mores 'n' Pores video. From there cut to a shot of Jim in the garage making a Jim The Car Guy video. From there we cut to a shot of Tommy, Timmy and Teddy at school. They look bored in class. Cut to a shot of them at recess. Tommy is visibly lording over the other kids while Timmy is among Tommy's obvious admirers. Teddy sits alone reading. He looks up from his book to shake his head disdainfully at his brothers. After this cut to a shot of Quinn, Jim, the boys and Daria in church as a bride walks down the aisle. While the rest of the family is visibly moved Daria pulls up a newspaper and starts reading while Teddy does the exact same thing. From there cut to a shot of Jim at a bar drinking beer with Jamie, Tom and Trent. We then cut to a shot of Quinn, Nicole and Sandi gossiping at a cafe table. Pan over to reveal Daria and Jane standing nearby giving them disdainful looks. Next, a shot of Timmy doing magic tricks. While the other adults are amused Jim is visibly embarrassed. Next shot is Tommy impressing kids with graffiti. Jim sees this and chases Tommy down in a manner similar to Homer chasing down Bart. Cut to Teddy with a Daria like smirk on his face. Finally, a shot of Quinn and Jim standing in their suburban front yard with the triplets standing in front of them. Daria joins the family in the portrait like shot and they're all smiles. A circle forms around the family portrait (which includes Daria) with the following caption at the bottom...

"The Carbones"

"Too Sexy For Her Brain"

written by

WildDogJJ

Act I

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day

Int. Shot: Upstairs hallway

The bathroom door opens. Daria emerges with wet hair wearing a bathrobe, indicating that she's just taken a shower. Carrying her sleepwear in a bundle she makes her way down stairs.

Int. Shot: downstairs hallway

Daria approaches her room, formerly Jim's man cave. She's about to open the door when a loud boom can be heard off screen. It's coming from the laundry room.

Daria: "What the hell!?"

Then...

Quinn (VO, from laundry room): "FIRE!"

Daria's eyes go wide.

Int. Shot: Laundry room, a minute later.

The dryer is ablaze and Quinn is in a state of panic. Jim comes in from the garage and sees this.

Jim: "SONOFABITCH!"

He runs back into the garage and comes back with the fire extinguisher a second later. Jim sprays flame retardent foam all over the dryer, putting out the fire. As the smoke clears we cut to the dryer and see that the fire has partially melted it and the clothes inside are all burned. Cut to Quinn and Jim.

Jim: "Quinn, are you alright!?"

Quinn rapidly calms down.

Quinn: "I'm fine! I was going to do some laundry and noticed all of Daria's clothes in the washer, so I threw them in the dryer so I could put my load in and the outlet started throwing sparks as soon as I turned the dryer on. Next thing I know the plug blows and the dryer's on fire."

At this point the kitchen door opens and Daria, wearing just a bathrobe, enters.

Daria: "What happened?"

Jim: "The dryer blew up."

Daria has a sudden look of realization, followed by all the color draining from her face.

Daria: "I put all my clothes in the washer last night and forgot to take them out!"

Now, Quinn's face loses all color.

Quinn: "All!?"

Daria nods.

Daria: "Everything except socks and underwear. Please tell me you didn't do what I think you did."

Quinn: "Daria...I...I'm so sorry."

Daria looks at the partially melted remains of the dryer. Cut to her POV and we see her clothes are burnt to such a degree that she can't wear any of them now. Cut to third person as Daria sighs.

Jim: "Um, Daria, you didn't have to go anywhere today, did you?"

Daria frowns.

Daria: "I have a job interview this afternoon."

Both Jim and Quinn's faces lose all color.

Daria: "Well, guess I can count on staying unemployed now. Thanks a lot, Quinn."

Quinn instantly feels guilty.

Quinn: "Daria, I'm so sorry!"

Jim: "You could just reschedule."

Daria shakes her head.

Daria: "Jim, we both no that rescheduling an interview last minute pretty much kills any chance of actually getting the job."

Quinn suddenly gets an idea.

Quinn: "Daria, don't cancel. I can fix this."

Daria: "How?"

Quinn: "Dry your hair, put some underwear on and then meet me in the master bedroom. I'm sure we can find something for you in my rather extensive wardrobe."

Daria is visibly skeptical.

Scene 2

Int. Shot: Master bedroom

Music: "Dress You Up" by Madonna

Gonna dress you up in my love

All over your body(1)

Clad in just a bra and panties, Daria stands by as Quinn rummages through her and Jim's closet.

Daria: "Quinn, are you sure you have something I can wear to my job interview?"

Quinn (VO, from closet): "Duh, Daria! You forget I was Vice President of the Fashion Club for three years. If there's one thing I know it's how to make anyone look good."

Daria raises an eyebrow.

Daria (hostile tone): "Anyone!?"

Quinn (VO, from closet): "That came out wrong! I meant to say I can make your natural beauty show, I'm a seasoned professional at that sort of thing. After all, in my current line of work I teach people how to be experts in both cooking and high fashion." Pause. "Ah, Perfect!"

Quinn emerges from the closet with a blue business suit similar to the red one their mother wore during her days as a hot shot corporate attorney.

Quinn: "A tasteful classic that screams beauty, strength AND intelligence!"

Daria reluctantly takes the outfit. Cut to a few minutes later. Daria looks at herself in the mirror and sighs. The sleeves are too long and the hem of the skirt falls two far below the knees.

Daria: "I look like a little girl playing dress up."

Quinn agreed.

Quinn: "True, perhaps I should've taken your measurements first but I just assumed since we're of a similar body shape I didn't have to."

Daria sighed.

Daria: "Quinn, I'm three inches shorter than you. That makes all my features proportinally smaller. Also, I didn't have three kids at the same time."

Quinn takes offense.

Quinn: "Excuse me! After giving birth I worked my ass off to regain my prepregnancy shape! The only thing that didn't shrink back was my boobs, which my husband considers a good thing I'll have you know."

Cut to a few minutes later. Daria is trying on another business suit, but this one's too big.

Quinn: "Maybe business casual isn't the way to go with you."

Daria: "Quinn, I have a job interview...today.." She looks at her watch. "...in one hour."

Quinn: "What kind of job? I ask because it might be something that doesn't require you to look professional. In fact, there are some jobs, like gracery clerk, where looking professional might actually sink your chances."

Daria: "Teaching position at Glenville High. One of the language arts teachers had a fatal heart attack recently and they need a permanent replacement ASAP. Since I have a PhD in Literature I'm more than qualified. In fact, Jamie actually recommended me to the administration."

Quinn: "Then you just have to look halfway decent, not professional. Jamie's so respected by the faculty that his recommendation alone is enough to make you a shoo-in. As long as you aren't naked there isn't going to be a problem. I have just the thing."

Cut to a few minutes later. Daria is now wearing Quinn's signature outfit from high school. The problem, though, is that the midriff reveals a muffin top. Quinn is visibly bumbfounded.

Quinn: "I don't get it. I know you aren't overweight."

Daria: "Quinn, you were underweight the last time you wore this thing. Also, I'm interviewing to be a teacher, not one of the students."

Quinn scrutinizes her sister's body. One can tell she's rapidly forming a plan. Finally, Quinn smiles.

Quinn: "There's one more outfit we can try."

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day

Int. Shot: Downstairs hallway

Jim and the triplets are gathered at the bottom of the stairs when Quinn comes down with a proud smile on her face.

Quinn: "Everyone, I'd like to present to you the new and improved Daria Morgendorffer. Come on down, sis!"

Music: "Her Strut" by Bob Seiger

Daria starts to walk down the stairs. As we watch in slow motion we hear the following lyrics..

She's totally committed

To major independence

She's a lady through and through(2)

We see Daria's feet clad in high heeled boots come down the stars. The camera slowly moves up to reveal her skintight jeans. Cut to Jim and the triplets as their jaws start to drop. Cut back to Daria. In addition to the skintight jeans we see that she's wearing a tight red tank top that shows ample cleavage. The top is so tight that Daria doesn't need a bra. In fact, one can vaguely make out her nipples through the material. Cut to Jim looking like he could start drooling at any moment. Cut back to Daria and we see all of her now, and she is HOT.

Oooooo, they love to watch her strut

Daria has the expression of a sexy cougar on the prowl.

Ooooo, they do respect her, but...

They love to watch her strut

By now Daria has reached the bottom of the stairs and everything returns to regular speed. Jim and the triplets stare wide eyed and open mouthed.

Timmy: "Whoa!"

Tommy: "I'm in love!"

Teddy: "You've gotta be kidding me!"

Jim: "That image is so going in my spank bank!"

That causes everyone to shoot him a mean look. Jim blushes with embarrassment upon realizing that he accidentally said that out loud.

Jim: "Uh...I mean...Damn, Daria, you're se...You look good!"

Timmy: "Dad, what's a spank bank?"

Jim becomes VERY nervous.

Jim: "Um...well...ummmmm...uhh...Ask me again when you're thirteen!" He looks at his watch. "Oh, Look at the time! I need to make an unboxing video!"

Jim hurriedly leaves before he can make an even bigger fool of himself.

Quinn: "You're gonna wow them at that interview, Daria!"

Daria sighs.

Daria: "Quinn, I want to get the job because I'm the most qualified, not because my prospective employer wants to sleep with me."

Quinn: "Daria, it's a violation of school board policy for a principal to become intimate with faculty."

Daria (sarcastic): "Okay, so I get the job because he can't masturbate without thinking about me. That's so much better."

Cut to the triplets.

Tommy: "Masturbate? What's that?"

Teddy whispers in Tommy's ear, explaining to his brother what masturbation is. Tommy reacts as one would expect from a seven year old boy, scrunching his face in disgust.

Tommy: "GROSS, MAN! NO WONDER MOM AND DAD DON'T WANT US TOUCHING OUR WIENERS!"

Cut to Daria and Quinn. Quinn looks like she wants nothing more than to become invisible while Daria has her trademark half-smile.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: Glennville High School, day

The school looks just like Lawndale High, only bigger as Glenville is a suburb of New York City and therefore has a higher population than Lawndale.

Int. Shot: A school hallway

Daria was sitting on a bench in her sexy outfit, with a leather jacket to keep the tank top from showing too much. The sign on the office door reads "Howard Anderson, Principal". Suddenly, the door opens. Mr. Anderson is a middle aged black man who looks very similar to the actor Don Cheadle.

Anderson: "Miss Morgendorffer."

Daria rises from her seat and follows Anderson into his office. Cut to inside as Anderson takes his seat behind the desk while Daria sits in front. There's an awkward silence. Cut to Anderson's POV and we have a solid view of Daria's cleavage. Cut to third person and we can tell that Anderson is trying not to stare, and failing miserably at it.

Daria: "Um, I was told you're looking for a new language arts teacher."

This snaps Anderson out of his lust fueled trance.

Anderson: (thought VO) Dammit, Howard, get your mind out of the gutter! (Out loud) "Um, Yes, Miss Morgendorffer. You came highly recommended by one of our history teachers, Mr. White."

Daria: "Jamie, yes."

Anderson is visibly struggling not to stare at the sexy brunette and keep things professional.

Anderson: "Ummmm..." He tries to find something to look at other than Daria's boobs.

Knowing that he's trying to be professional despite being turned on, Daria places her resume on his desk. Visibly relieved, Anderson takes it and looks it over.

Anderson: "Wow! These qualifications are impressive! Lit major with a minor in education at Raft, PhD in Literature from Boston State. That's more education than we usually see on applicants."

Daria: "Precisely! I could be the first public school teacher in decades who actually knows what she's doing."

Anderson stifles a laugh.

Anderson: "I hear that! Most of our applicants are former jocks and cheerleaders who just wanna teach so they can relive their high school glory days."

Daria: "Like Jamie, for instance."

Anderson: "Actually, he's one of the few teachers who actually gives a shit. That's why he's so well reguarded by my colleagues and I. Too bad his students don't feel the same way."

Daria: "There's one in every high school. If I get the position maybe I'll tell you about the history teacher I had in high school, Mr. DeMartino."

Anderson: "He cared about teaching the kids?"

Daria: "He was comitted. In fact, I think he might've actually been at one point."

Anderson stifled a laugh. Cut to Daria.

Daria: (thought VO) Is there a reason I'm uncharacteristically comfortable trading jokes with a guy who was undressing me with his eyes a few minutes ago?

Cut back to Anderson as he continues to look at Daria's resume. He suddenly frowns.

Anderson: "You spent eight years as a writer for Frankie LePope?"

Since Anderson's black Daria braces herself for some uncomfortable questions about certain racist jokes made on live TV.

Daria: "Before you say anything, I had nothing to do with that. The only reason I was named in the credits is because I was part of the write staff. My only misdeed was being in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Anderson: "So, you don't have a problem with people of color?"

Daria: "No, but I do have a problem with guilt by association."

Anderson appears to be mulling over his options.

Anderson: (thougt VO) Well, I was personally offended by the jokes, but she sounds sincere. Frankly, it is possible that she had nothing to do with the racist jokes. Besides, she's hot.

Finally, Anderson smiles and extends his hand.

Anderson: "Welcome aboard, Miss Morgendorffer."

Cut to Daria looking pleasantly surprised.

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: Glenville High, day

Int. Shot: One of the classrooms

The classroom is the usual collection of high school students. You have your jocks, cheerleaders, preppies, clubbies, goths, art geeks, band nerds, fanboys, skate punks and posers. The door opens and Mr. Anderson walks in.

Anderson: "Good news, class! You now have a new permanent Language Arts teacher. Allow me to introduce Miss Morgendorffer."

Cut to all the boys in class as their eyes go wide and mouths start to hang open. Cut to Daria walking into the class in her hot outfit. She stands in front of the class.

Daria: "Hello, I'm your new teacher, Miss Morgendorffer."

Cut to show every boy in the class visibly falling in love.

Act II

Scene 1

Ext. Shot: Glenville High, day

Int. Shot: a classroom

Mucis: "Hot For Teacher" by Van Halen

Got it bad, got it bad, got it bad

I'm hot for teacher

I've got it bad, sooooo bad

I'm hot for teacher(3)

Daria was trying to figure out what the class had been working on.

Daria: "Guy in tights on the cover, so I'm guessing Shakespear, based on past experience I'm gonna go even further and speculate that the play is Romeo And Juliet."

Cut to one of the popular girls in class, who looks a lot like Tori Jericho.

Popular Girl: "How'd you know?"

Cut back to Daria.

Daria: "I didn't, you just told me. Also, the last time I was in this position the play was Romeo and Juliet as well."

Cut to the popular girl's boyfriend, who looks like Joey.

Popular guy: "Wow! You're really smart, Miss Morgendorffer!"

The guy stares longingly at Daria while his girlfriend is visibly put off that he's crushing on the new teacher.

Daria: "Thank you..." She looks at the seating chart. "...Johnny. Now, let's get started."

Cut to later. Daria and the others are reading the play. The girls are visibly jealous as the boys are hanging on Daria's every word.

Boy: "Thou art a villaen."

Daria: "It's pronounced villin."

The boy blushes with embarrassment.

Boy: "Sorry, Miss Morgendorffer."

Daria: "That's alright, Nick. Whoever came up with written English clearly had no concept of pronounciation."

The girls all roll their eyes while the boys all hang on Daria's every word. Suddenly, the bell rings.

Daria: "Well, I guess I'll see you all tomorrow."

As the class files out the boys all leer at Daria while the girls all cast jealous glances at their new teacher. Suddnely, a boy in a varsity jacket walks up to her.

Jock: "Miss Morgendorffer?"

Daria: "Yes, Travis?"

Jock: "Will you go to prom with me?"

Daria lets out an annoyed sigh accompanied by an eye roll.

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: Glenville Mall, day

Int. Shot: The mall

Music: "Say So" by Doja Cat

Quinn and Daria are walking through the mall. Daria is still wearing the sexy jeans, tank and jacket combo that Quinn put her in.

Daria: "The girls were all shooting me nasty looks and the boys wouldn't stop staring at me. Not only that, but I'm pretty sure the principal only hired me because he was turned on."

Quinn: "Daria, does it really matter if you got the job?"

Daria: "Yes, it does. Quinn, I want to succeed because of my ability, not because guys are opening door in the hope that such a gesture will get me to open my legs."

Quinn: "Look, it sucks and it isn't fair but women in the professional world are judged solely by looks and there's just no way around that."

Daria sighed before trying to change the subject.

Daria: "You know, as much as I appreciate you paying for my new clothes you didn't have to come with me. You could've just given me the money."

Quinn: "I know, but this is a chance for some sisterly bonding. Besides, you can't seriously tell me you weren't at least a little flattered by all the male attention you were getting today."

Daria: "Quinn, no more sexy outfits. I'm only getting clothes that are comfortable and appropriate for a 39 year old school teacher."

Quinn: "What about off hours? Don't you want to attract some hot guys. After all, you're attractive and single. With me, Jane and all the other women in your life happily married you have virtually no competition."

At this point they walk by a couple of handsome guys. The guys don't do anything creepy or cat call, but they are obviously checking Daria out. Once the two women are out of hearing range...

Quinn: "Those guys were totally checking you out, sis."

Daria: "I know! I feel like a piece of meat."

Quinn: "But aren't you also flattered that you're almost 40 and can still turn heads."

Daria: (thought VO) Yes, but if you think I'm gonna admit it... (out loud) "No."

Quinn visibly knows Daria's lying. They enter Cashman's.

Int. Shot: Women's department at Cashman's

Quinn and Daria are going through clothes. Quinn pulls a sleeveless t-shirt off one of the racks.

Quinn: "This would look cute on you!"

Daria looks at the shirt. She can tell that it would really show her curves and the neck is low enough to reveal ample cleavage.

Daria: "I'm not teaching class in that!"

Quinn: "Duh, Daria! I'm talking about weekend wear."

Daria takes a shirt that's two sizes too big off the nearest rack.

Daria: "What's wrong with this?"

Quinn rolls her eyes.

Quinn: "Daria, you're 39 and look like you're 25! Why not show it off?"

Before Daria can lecture her sister a male sales clerk walks up to her.

Sales clerk: "Can I help you with anything, miss?"

Before Daria can tell this guy to get bent Quinn speaks up.

Quinn: "I'm trying to convince my sister to buy this shirt instead of that bulky thing."

The clerk looks at the shirt Quinn's holding, then at Daria.

Clerk: "That would look good on you!"

Daria: "You mean it would look good on your bedroom floor." Pause. "Sorry, I've been having a rough day."

The clerk seems to forget that Quinn's even there as he looks at the oversized shirt Daria wants to get instead.

Clerk: "That would look good on you, too."

Daria: "I appreciate the compliment."

Clerk: "It's not a compliment, it's the honest truth."

Daria: "Thanks, but we're good here."

The clerk hands her a card.

Clerk: "In case you change your mind."

With that, he leaves. Daria looks torn.

Daria: (thought VO) Well, I have to admit being thought of in a sexual manner is a bit of an ego boost.

Making her decision, Daria puts the bulky shirt back.

Daria: "Quinn, let's go with your pick...and find some more stuff that's sexy yet tasteful."

Quinn smiles.

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, evening

Int. Shot: Daria's room

Daria is standing in front of a mirror still wearing the sexy outfit she's been in all day while holding up a business casual suit from the stuff Quinn helped her buy at the mall. She frowns.

Daria: (thought VO) Well, tomorrow it's back to normal. She looks at what she's wearing. Then again, there was a certain satisfaction in knowing that I could give Quinn a run for her money in the looks department if I wanted to.

Daria suddenly smiles as we hear the following lyrics.

I'm too sexy for my love

Too sexy for my love

Love's going to leave me.

Begin musical montage.

Music: "I'm Too Sexy" by Right Said Fred

As the music begins we cut to a shot of Daria trying on various shirts, all of which show her curves and reveal ample cleavage.

I'm too sexy for my shirt

Too sexy for my shirt

Cut to Daria walking in skintight black pants and a drooping white V-neck. Jim can't help staring.

So sexy it hurts

Cut to Daria walking the halls of Glenville high in the aforementioned outfit. Male students and teachers are leering at her and she visibly likes the attention.

And I'm too sexy for Milan

Cut to Daria teaching class. She has the undivided attention of the boys, to the girls visible chagrin.

Too sexy for Milan

New York and Japan

Cut to Daria in the teacher's lounge. Male faculty are staring lustfully at her and she loves the attention.

And I'm too sexy for your party

Too sexy for your party

Cut to Mr. Anderson discreetly leering at Daria, who pretends not to notice.

No way I'm disco dancing

Cut to Daria walking down the street in a tight orange shirt and skinny jeans. The shirt is so tight that one can make out the outline of her bra and the jeans are low cut enough that one can see the band of her green panties. Guys are leering at her left and right.

I'm a model, you know what I mean

And I do my little turn on the catwalk

Daria flirts with a random male passerby.

On the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah

She blows said guy a kiss before continuing on her way. Cut to his POV and we see her shake her ass and can tell that her panties are a thong.

I do my little turn on the catwalk.

Cut to Daria at home. She's wearing tight black pants, high heel boots and a yellow tie on top that she's putting a stylish leather jacket over. Jim is visibly offering her a ride to work. A visibly pissed off Quinn is in the background.

I'm too sexy for my car

Cut to Jim dropping Daria off at Glenville high.

Too sexy for my car

Cut to Daria walking away from his Camaro. Cut to Jim's POV as he watches her make her way toward the building.

Too sexy by far

Cut to Daria walking toward her classroom, being leered at by both Mr. Anderson and Jamie.

And I'm too sexy for my hat

Too sexy for my hat

Cut to all the boys staring lustfully as Daria teaches class.

What you think about that

Cut to Daria actively flirting in the teacher's lounge

I'm a model, you know what I mean

And I do my little turn on the catwalk

Cut to Daria flirting with other patrons at Mystik Bar And Grille after hours.

On the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah

Cut to Daria walking home arm in arm with a good looking guy from the bar. They kiss at the front door.

I shake my little tush on the catwalk

Cut to Quinn staring out a window, eyeing Daria with concern.

I'm too sexy for my...

Shot of Daria visibly flirting with Jim. Quinn sits off to the side and looks VERY pissed off.

I'm too sexy for my...

Cut to Jim trying to spy on Daria changing clothes. Quinn sees this and smacks him senseless.

Too sexy for my...

Cut to Daria walking on the street in a black sleeveless shirt so tight one can make out the outline of her bra, a gray mini skirt that's tight enough to show off her thong clad ass and high heel sandals. She's loving all the lustful stares guys are giving her.

I'm a model, you know what I mean

And I do my little turn on the catwalk.

Cut to Daria at the library, teasing a male library patron.

On the catwalk, on the catwalk, yeah

I shake my little tush on the catwalk

As Daria leaves the man she was teasing makes a beeline for the restroom. Cut to Daria feeding Godzilla. She's wearing a black mini-skirt and purple tank top that's so tight it's a minor miracle that her boobs don't pop out. As she places the catfood in front of him we cut to the cats POV to get a clear downblouse view.

I'm too sexy for my cat

Too sexy for my cat

Cut to Jim and the triplets staring from behind. Cut to their POV and Daria's skirt is so mini that while she's bent over her lacy black panties are in full view.

Poor pussy, poor pussy cat

Cut to Quinn seeing this and visibly furious about it.

I'm too sexy for my love

Too sexy for my love

Cut to Daria's room. Rear view shows she's only wearing panties. She puts a large t-shirt on and approaches her bed.

Love's going to leave me.

Daria tucks in for the night.

And I'm too sexy for this song.(4)

End Montage.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: Glenville High, late afternoon

Int. Shot: Teacher's lounge

Wearing a purple blouse and skintight black pants, Daria is grading some papers. The blouse is unbuttoned enough to show cleavage. Mr. Anderson enters. Cut to his POV and we see that Daria's blouse is just one button shy of being open enough to show her bra. Cut back to third person and we see that Mr. Anderson is visibly nervous. Daria looks up and smiles.

Daria: "Hey, Mr. Anderson."

Anderson: "Hey, Miss...I mean Doctor Mor...um..."

Daria smiles flirtatiously.

Daria: "Just call me Daria, Mr. Anderson."

Anderson seems to regain his composure.

Anderson: "Okay, Daria. Um, You don't have to call me Mr. Anderson if you don't want to."

Daria: "Okay, Howard." Pause. "What's going on?"

Anderson: "Just wanted to remind you it's 5:30. Everyone else has gone home for the evening."

Daria: "I'll be going home too, soon as I grade this last quiz here."

Anderson: "It's Friday. You have all weekend to do that."

Daria: "I'd rather not spend my off days grading papers if I can avoid it."

Anderson sits across the table from her.

Anderson: "I get that. When I was a teacher that was the part of the job I found most annoying."

Daria immediately forgets about that last quiz.

Daria: (thought VO) I can't believe I'm thinking of doing this. (out loud) "So, is there a Mrs. Anderson?"

Anderson: "No. I've been so career minded that I just never really found the time. I'm actually surprised there isn't a Mr. Morgendorffer." (thought VO) I can't believe I just said that! Howard, you moron!

Daria: "Not unless you count my father. I've had relationships, but none of them ever lasted long enough to make a walk down the aisle."

Anderson: "Same here. Um, Are you doing anything after work?" (thought VO) Note to self, stop thinking with your dick!

Daria: "Going straight home, though I could be persuaded otherwise." (thought VO) Might as well, it's not like I'm actually gonna sleep with him. (out loud) "You know, one of my friends owns a bar. What do you say we continue this conversation there?"

Anderson: (thought VO) This is a bad idea. I'm her boss, for chrissake! (out loud) "Sure!"

Daria smiles.

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, evening

Int. Shot: Kitchen

The family, minus Daria, are sitting down for dinner.

Teddy: "What's keeping Aunt Daria?"

Quinn: "I don't know, but maybe your father will pay attention to me again."

Jim: "Um...What do you mean by that?"

Quinn gasps upon realizing she'd accidentally said that last part out loud.

Quinn: "Never mind."

No one wants to admit that Quinn's jealous.

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, morning

Int. Shot: upstairs hallway

A robe clad Quinn emerges from the master bedroom.

Quinn: (thought VO) I wonder when Daria came in last night.

Cut to the downstairs hallway a minute later. Quinn is approaching Daria's room.

Quinn: (thought VO) Just a quick peek to see if she's okay.

Quinn opens the door to Daria's room. Cut to inside and we see that not only is Daria not there but her bed clearly hasn't been slept in. Cut to a worried looking Quinn.

Quinn: (thought VO) Did she not come home at all last night!?

Ext. Shot: A one story house in another part of Glenville, at that same moment

Int. Shot: The bedroom

Daria wakes up and rubs the sleep from her eyes. Next, she takes her glasses off the nightstand and puts them on. Once that's done her eyes go wide.

Daria: (thought VO) This isn't my bed or my room!?

Daria peeks under the covers. She gasps.

Daria: (thought VO) I'm in a strange bed AND I'm completely naked!

Daria looks over and sees an also naked Mr. Anderson sleeping next to her. Her eyes go wide as the memories of the previous night all come back.

Daria: (thought VO) oh...my...GOD! (out loud) "AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Act III

Ext. Shot: Mr. Anderson's house, morning

Int. Shot: Mr. Anderson's bedroom

Music: "Boys" by Britney Spears

Boys

Sometimes a girl just needs one(5)

Daria and Anderson are hastily throwing their clothes back on. Both of them visibly regret what they did the night before.

Daria: "Of all the men I could've slept with I had to pick the one man I shouldn't."

Anderson is hastily buttoning his shirt.

Anderson: "I'm so gonna be fired if the school board finds out about this!"

Daria felt bad after being reminded that while she has to deal with a bunch of awkwardness he's the one who could lose his job.

Daria: "Sorry."

Anderson: "It's not your falut, Daria. I'm the one who violated district policy by sleeping with one of the teachers under my administration."

Daria: "I seduced you."

Anderson: "I took advantage of a subordinate!"

Daria: "I seem to recall everything being consensual."

Anderson: "Too bad the school board won't see it that way."

Daria: "So, don't tell them."

Anderson: "Believe me, I won't." Pause as he face palms. "I can't believe I did something so unprofessional."

Daria: "Howard, office hookups happen all the time. There's even a whole sub-genre of erotica on the subject. Still, I agree what we did was wrong. I shouldn't have seduced you."

Anderson: "I could've put the breaks on this at any point, but I didn't."

Daria suddenly looks thoughtful.

Daria: "Howard, I just realized something. When I interviewed for the position you were checking me out the whole time, though you tried not to let on. I guess, well...Did you hire me because I'm qualified, or because you're sexually attracted to me?"

Anderson hesitates as both were factors in his decision.

Anderson: "sigh...I guess it was a little bit of both. I have to admit you are more than qualified to teach language arts. In fact, none of the other faculty have a PhD in the subjects they teach. Still, well..."

Daria eyes him intensley.

Anderson: (nervous) "Frankly, your previous employer being Frankie LePope nearly sunk your chances. What he said about my people on national television was totally unforgiveable, but..."

Daria interrupts him.

Daria: (angry) "But you put that aside and gave me a job just to get in my pants. I should've known."

Anderson tries to explain.

Anderson: "No, Daria..."

Daria cuts him off.

Daria: "I got the job because the way I was dressed that day made you horny! My qualifications didn't even matter!"

Daria angrily storms out of the place, not even giving Anderson a chance to explain himself. Once alone, Anderson does a face palm.

Anderson: "That's what I get for being honest."

Scene 2

Ext. Shot: A building in SoHo

Int. Shot: Jane's loft

Daria and Jane are talking over coffee. Daria has just told her best friend what happened.

Jane: "So, you've decided to sleep your way to the top."

Daria gives Jane a nasty look.

Daria: "That's not funny, Jane. I slept with him because I was attracted to him."

Jane: "Well, I guess it's would be hard to get into it otherwise. Still, sleeping with your boss is never a good idea. Also, I never took you for the type to fuck on the first date."

Daria: "You can blame that on the fact that before last night the last time I got laid was back when Obama was president. You try going five years with only a vibrator for sexual release."

Jane: "Why do you think I ride Alan almost nightly during the brief periods when he's actually home?"

Daria: "What bothers me most, though, is realizing the only reason I have a job is because he was hoping to do me at some point, and I gave it to him."

Jane: "Based on what you've told me it sounds like you were the primary agressor where that's concerned."

Daria: "I hate it when I lose control of myself because I'm sexually frustrated. Hell, the first time that happened it nearly cost me your friendship."

Jane: "True. I think the reason being perceived as sexy went to your head was because you really needed to get laid. After all, back in high school you needed a boyfriend so badly that you stole him off of me despite your best efforts not to do that. Hell, I think one reason I forgave you for the Tom thing is that I'm not so sure I would've done things differently in your position."

Daria: "It still doesn't change the fact that getting my current job had everything to do with my looks and nothing to do with my abilities. Is there ever a time when women aren't judged solely on their sex appeal?"

Jane: "Afraid not. That's the way it's always been and it's so deeply ingrained in our psyche that changing it's all but impossible."

Daria: "He didn't care that I hold a PhD in the subject I'm teaching. I could've been an illiterate elementary school drop out and I STILL would've gotten the job. I want to be respected for my mind, not my body. That's why I normally dress in clothes that hide my curves so well that people are often shocked to discover that I have curves in the first place."

Jane: "And being thought of in a sexual light went to your head because you're not used to being seen that way."

Daria nods.

Daria: "I have intelligence, I have sex appeal and I wish there was a way to make people notice both at the same time. When I show my intellect, people don't notice my appearance. When I show my body, everyone forgets that I have a working mind as well. I'm either smart or I'm beautiful. Why can't I be both?"

Jane: "To be honest, that's a question Quinn's better qualified to answer than I am."

Daria: "I know, but first I needed to talk to someone who I trust to be level headed about this."

Jane smiles.

Jane: "I can tell you, though, that you acting like a sexpot when you dress sexy was probably your mind telling you to give your looks some attention. After all, you need telepathy to tell someone's smart at first glance."

Daria smiles.

Daria: "That actually does make me feel better, Jane."

Jane: "Glad to help."

Scene 3

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, day

Int. Shot: The kitchen

Daria and Quinn are now having the same conversation that Daria had earlier with Jane. Quinn shakes her head in the manner of a disappointed parent.

Quinn: "Oh, Daria!"

Daria: "Yes, I'm a total hypocrite."

Quinn: "Actually, I'm disappointed that you slept with your boss. We both know that never ends well. What were you thinking?"

Daria: "That I'm horny and he's hot."

Quinn: "Daria, I've seen enough daytime soaps to know that office affairs are more trouble than they're worth."

Daria: "Says the woman who's married to her business partner."

Quinn: "First off, Jim and I were already an established couple when we started the business. Second, common sense alone should tell you that sexual relations between a superior and a subordinate are a bad idea because it severly complicates the professional relationship."

Daria: "Well, after talking to Jane it occurred to me why being percieved as a sexpot went to my head so quickly. It's because I STILL can't reconcile my looks with my intelligence. You emphasize your looks, leading people to assume you're an airheaded bimbo when in truth you're a marketing genius. I emphasize my brains and people assume I have no looks to speak of. I just wish beauty and intelligence weren't mutually exclusive."

Quinn: "They aren't, and I'm a little surprized that at 39 you still haven't figured that out. Daria, your looks may give you an edge if you use them but if that's all you bring to the table that advantage disappears pretty quickly."

Daria: "Quinn, I got a teaching position because I wore something that made the principal horny."

Quinn: "Well, if that were true then it means HE'S the one who doesn't deserve their job. Daria, you have a PhD in literature. Your more than qualified to teach high school language arts."

Daria: "My previous employer also said something on national television that forever tainted my career prospects. I haven't gone back into entertainment because everyone who worked on LePope's show has been blacklisted. With Anderson being black, that alone would've sunk my chances of landing the job if it weren't for my looks."

Quinn: "Daria, not everyone's gonna write you off just because your previous boss made racist and sexist jokes on live TV."

Daria's eyes narrow.

Daria: "Then why did you buy me all those sexy outfits? Because you knew I'd only get my foot in the door by being a sluttier version of you, that's why!"

Quinn: "Daria, you couldn't be more wrong on that count. How long has it been since the last time you went out with a guy?"

Daria: "Not counting last night, five years. Again discounting last night it's also how long it's been since I had an orgasm that wasn't self-induced." Her eyes go wide as something occurs to her. "You bought those outfits to help me with dating, didn't you!?"

Quinn nods.

Quinn: "Daria, you've been single and not looking for half a decade. I'm married, Jane's married, pretty much everyone we know is in a steady relationship. I can only imaging how lonely it must be for you that the rest of us have a man in our lives."

Daria: "Is that your way of saying I needed to get laid?"

Quinn: "Sort of, but you also need companionship."

Daria: "Quinn, I have Jane, you, Jim and the boys."

Quinn: "And wouldn't it be nice if you had a romantic partner in addition to all of us? Daria, I know you don't wanna end up a crazy old cat lady and I'm determined to keep that from happening. Look, even though I'm the younger sister I can't help feeling responsible for your well being. That's why I was so insistent you move in with us after you were evicted. And before you say it, no, I don't still have a guilt complex over how I treated you when we were kids. This feeling responsible for the people I care about is just who I am, just like being able to instantly see through everyone's bs is who you are."

Daria: "You're like that, too, just more diplomatic about it." Pause. "You know, Quinn, you and I really are more alike than we seem at first glance."

Quinn said nothing but smiled.

Scene 4

Ext. Shot: Glenville High, Monday afternoon

Int. Shot: Mr. Anderson's office

Mr. Anderson is at this desk doing some paperwork now that school has let out for the day when there's a knock on his door. He looks up.

Anderson: "Come in."

Daria enters, looking like she did in the future scene in "Write Where It Hurts". Anderson becomes visibly nervous.

Anderson: "Oh! Um, Hey, Daria."

Daria: "Hello, Howard."

Without preamble she walks up to his desk and places a sheet of paper on it.

Anderson: "What's this?"

Daria: "My resignation."

Anderson's eyes go wide.

Anderson: "Daria!?"

Daria: "Look, over the weekend I thought about things and decided this is for the best."

Anderson: "You don't have to quit just because we had sex Friday night."

Daria: "Actually, I do. I'm sorry, but working for a man I slept with is just too awkward. It impedes my ability to do my job and having an employee that you've been sexually intimate with probably hinders your ability to be a fair boss. Frankly, I don't want special treatment just because we shared a night of hot passion. I also don't want you to lose your job just because I was a horny nympho Friday night."

Anderson: "I don't want you to be unemployed because I couldn't keep it in my pants."

Daria: "I know, but the fact is that we damaged our professional relationship by having a sexual one in our off hours. One of us has to leave and since I live rent free with my sister and her family I have a lot less to lose by being unemployed just a little longer."

Anderson sighed as it's obvious that Daria's mind is made up and nothing can be done to change it.

Anderson: "Well, I hate to lose you..." Pause "...as a teacher, but I respect your decision. Just know that I don't blame you for what happened and you can count on me to be a good reference to any future employers."

Daria: "Thank you."

Anderson suddenly gets an idea.

Anderson: "You know, since I'm no longer your boss..."

Daria cuts him off.

Daria: "Sorry, but I don't think so. Granted, I do find you attractive and Friday night was some of the best I ever had, but for now I think it's better if we both just go our seperate ways in that department. Relationships that begin under awkward circumstances are something I've only had bad experiences with."

Anderson said nothing and merely nods in understanding, implying that's a bed of hot coals he's walked over more than once as well.

Scene 5

Ext. Shot: Casa Carbone, evening

Int. Shot: Kitchen

Daria is helping Quinn and Jim with the dishes while the boys play video games upstairs.

Daria: "...so I'm once again unemployed. Sorry, Jim, but it looks like you won't be getting that man cave back soon after all."

Jim: "That's okay. I'm over giving up some 'me' space for you. Besides, you're family."

Quinn: "Yeah, you'll always have a home with us."

Daria: "Thanks. By the way, Jim, sorry about all the teasing."

Jim blushes with embarrassment.

Quinn: "Actually, Daria, I should be thanking you for that."

Jim: "Quinn had a long talk with me about the leering the other night. After that, we discovered how much she can benefit from having a husband kept in a perpetual state of arousal."

Quinn smiled wickedly.

Quinn: "Best make up sex ever!"

Daria frowns.

Daria: "TMI, Quinn! TMI!"

Jim: "Now you know how it feels to suddenly lust for a family member."

Daria looks extremely awkward. Cut to Quinn and Jim both sporting Daria-like half smiles.

End Credits.

Next Time

Jim takes the triplets to Cape Cod for a weekend fishing trip. While they're gone Quinn recieves a phone call that causes her to question Jim's fitness as a husband and father.