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"It would be much more sensible if your soulmate mark was written on your hand or wrist where everyone could see it and be able to know if someone was your soulmate," Elle said.
"And you could help your friends meet their soulmates if you met someone with their name on their arm," Penelope agreed enthusiastically.
Spencer had to admit that the only good thing he could think of about soulmate marks was that they appeared on people's chests where it was relatively easy for the mark to be kept covered up and it was considered extremely rude for friends and colleagues to ask to see it, and while that unfortunately didn't extend to asking if you had one or what it said it was acceptable not to share the information. "People would take to wearing gloves, soulmate marks are meant to be private for a reason," He said.
In fact, he realised that none of the team knew that he was Aaron's soul mate which meant that none of them had seen Hotch bare chested in the last ten years. Even when sharing rooms the man wore his undershirt day and night no matter how hot it was and never left the bathroom undressed. He wondered whether Morgan and Gideon has found that odd or if he'd always done it.
"I just wish the soulmate marks appeared at a younger age so you didn't have to wait to meet our soulmate," JJ said.
"What age would you have wanted it to appear?" Elle asked.
"Perhaps twenty one as people finish their undergraduate degrees, or at least people that aren't Dr Reid," JJ replied smiling at her friend.
"I think perhaps sixteen, the age you start thinking about seriously dating," Penelope suggested.
"I think twenty one would be better, or at least eighteen when you're legally able to do something about finding your soulmate," Morgan said.
"I think the younger the better, half the population isn't going to receive a soulmate mark so wouldn't it be better for them to know that and be able to get on with their lives instead of having to wait until they're thirty to find out?" Elle said practically.
"Or to find out you didn't receive a soul mark and are free to attempt to pursue a long term relationship with the person you love and have a very good chance of successfully cohabiting with, instead of feeling obligated to spend the rest of your life alone hoping that you'll one day meet someone whose name matches the words on your chest, who may or may not be at all interested in pursuing something with you," Spencer adds cynically. "I wish I could guarantee I'll never get one, but I definitely wouldn't want to have received my mark at high school so I would vote for not until twenty one when everyone would be out of school, even that might be too young for some people to start a serious relationship, twenty five might be better. Some people just aren't ready to meet their soulmates before then.
"I agree with Spencer, the soul mark would've been too hard to hide in the showers after gym class and I wouldn't want my enemies to have that information," Morgan said.
"I think that receiving the mark would give isolated or lonely children the hope that things will get better," Penelope suggested.
"But what would happen to a child of a homophobic bigot if the name on their chest is the same gender? Or a child with racist parents if the name suggested their soulmate would be African American, Asian, Hispanic or Jewish. Especially if it was somewhere more visible than on their chest? Then the child could be in danger from all the homophobic or xenophobic adults in their lives. I think that it's a good thing the names don't appear before the recipient is old enough to be financially and emotionally independent, and to hide the mark from people they don't trust," Spencer asked.
"Maybe there would be less homophobia if everyone knew that soulmates can also come in same gender pairings," Penelope said hopefully.
"I don't think so Garcia, there are plenty of studies that show that 10% of soulmate couples are the same gender," Elle said sadly. "I think that Reid's right, it's a very good thing that soul marks appear somewhere they can be so easily covered up and that they don't appear on children while they are too young to make the decision who they tell and who they show the mark to. I hadn't considered that aspect."
"I wish there was no such thing as soulmate marks or if we absolutely have to have them that they appeared at the moment of death so the person never had to know what it said," Spencer said.
"That would be heartbreaking, your husband or wife would find out that they were your soulmate just as it stopped meaning anything," Garcia said horrified at the idea.
"Or find out that you weren't soulmates after all but it didn't matter anyway because you couldn't imagine loving anyone more than them," Spencer pointed out.
"I think that I'd like them to appear when you meet your soulmate," Morgan said. "That way you can't miss them but if you never meet them, then you'll never know whether you had one or not."
"That would be better for most people than the way it is now," Spencer said doubtfully. "Better yet if it only appeared if both of the pair was open to the possibility of a relationship."
"I can't imagine anyone not wanting to meet their soulmate," Penelope said doubtfully.
"Statistically those who are married to someone other than their soulmate at the time they turn thirty will often choose to remain with their husband or wife if the marriage survives the original reveal. That rises to almost 68 percent of the couple have minor children still living with both parents. Spencer said trying to sound like those statistics didn't personally affect him. He picked up the next file of his stack and buried himself back in his work as the others looked at him sadly wondering what could've happened to make him so negative about such a wonderful possibility as having a soulmate
-o0o-
Spencer cursed his luck, just after identifying the unsub he managed to be taken hostage with a room full of innocent people and his unit chief/secret soul mate and he couldn't see any way out of this situation, rescue wouldn't come in time for them. Still, he thought that if these truly were the last few minutes of his life he was grateful to be spending them with Hotch even though the thought of the other man's death hurt him even more than the thought of his own. Spencer didn't believe in God, reincarnation or the idea of an afterlife and he didn't want to. He had no hope of anything after this life. He didn't believe it when people referred to those who had died as being at peace, the most logical explanation was that they felt nothing at all, their consciousness just ceased to exist and instead of depressing him the idea gave him comfort. He wouldn't need to fear developing Schizophrenia and being locked in an institution without even someone who cared enough to write or visit. He wouldn't have to grow old and frail alone. He felt a pang of regret that he hadn't done more with his life, and that his mother would be left without anyone who wasn't paid to care for her, but he was consoled by the thought that even those regrets wouldn't last much longer.
Spencer had already accepted the inevitability of his death, they were tied up and unarmed, if the unsub didn't kill them they were in a position where they'd likely be killed in the crossfire when SWAT beached the door. But Aaron had a family at home and he was desperately trying to find a way out of the situation. The unsub had removed his main weapon but hadn't found his backup but he had no hope of reaching it with his hands zip tied behind his back. Doyle had knocked Reid to the ground and zip tied his hands in front of him but he was unarmed. Aaron could see that his eyes were filled with regrets but not fear and he was paying close attention but not trying to convey anything to Hotch. Perhaps because it was Hotch, it pained Aaron to think that they might be going to die because they were unable to communicate due to the awkwardness of their situation. It was said that soul mates were eternal, so either they'd meet again in heaven or in their next life and it gave Aaron some comfort that somewhere somehow a future life existed where maybe they could be together in a way he wasn't able to accept them being together in this one, but that didn't mean he was ready to leave Haley and his unborn son alone.
"Put them next to the barricade. That way, when they blast their way in here, both of our problems are solved. That sort of thing can ruin a cop's career," Hotch said. Spencer's ears perked up, Hotch definitely had a plan, he wouldn't move innocent civilians into a place they were more likely to be harmed otherwise. He just needed to work out what Hotch needed from him and play along. He kept his head downcast so Dowd wouldn't see the alertness in his eyes.
"You are one sick dude," Dowd said falling for whatever Hotch's ruse was and moving the hostages.
"How do you think I found you?" Hotch said snidely.
"Can I ask you a favour?" Hotch asked diffidently. "I figure the chances of my getting out of here alive are pretty slim," he commented.
Dowd didn't disagree, "So?"
"I want to kick the snot out of this kid. He's made my life miserable for 3 lousy years," Hotch said sneering at Spencer.
"Go ahead. Knock yourself out," Dowd said, amused.
"How smart are you now, smart guy?! It's front sight, trigger press, follow through! That's enough! It's not that hard! A Dalmatian could do it!" Hotch said looking at Spencer intensely.
For a heart-breaking moment, Spencer thought that this really was Hotch's final wish, to physically hurt him, not for being incompetent with shooting and failing his right to carry qualifications but because he hated the fact that Spencer was his soul mate.
He lay there determined to take whatever pain Hotch dished out and hoping that SWAT would storm the room and he would be killed in the crossfire before Hotch managed to hurt him too much. The actual words didn't hurt, he knew that they weren't what Hotch would really want to be saying to him, it was the thought that Hotch wanted to hurt him. The kicks did hurt but not nearly as much as Spencer was expecting and he noticed Hotch was pulling his kicks as much as he could without making it obvious and as he was kicking him, his pant leg rose up revealing the bottom of the ankle holster. Spencer curled up with a groan and grabbed at the leg, his dextrous hands easily retrieving the gun and as soon as he had it Hotch stopped and stepped back. So it was just a ruse, perhaps Hotch didn't want to kick the shit out of him, or perhaps he did but his primary purpose of giving Reid access to the gun made it acceptable in his eyes when he wouldn't normally have allowed himself the loss of self control.
Spencer didn't have time to overthink the shot as Dowd noticed the empty holster and raised his gun towards Hotch. He brought Hotch's gun up and shot the unsub between the eyes. Then there was chaos as SWAT stormed the room confirming the unsub was dead and the scene secure.
"You all right? Nice shot," Hotch complimented him.
Spencer just wished it didn't take a life or death situation to make Hotch say something nice to him. Still he tried to brush it off, he didn't want a temporary connection, it would just make it harder when Hotch retreated back to his usual standoffishness, which Spencer was sure he would once he got over the adrenaline rush of having survived. "I was aiming for his leg," he deflected the compliment.
"I wouldn't have kept kicking, but I was afraid you didn't get my plans," Hotch said.
Spencer didn't look up, trying to hide the hurt in his eyes at the reminder of what happened. "I got your plan the minute you moved the hostages out of my line of fire," he lied, not wanting to admit weakness to this man.
"Well, I hope I didn't hurt you too badly," Hotch said softly. He sounded genuine and Spencer knew all of his tells better than anyone, knew he meant it but if that was an apology it left a lot to be desired in Spencer's opinion.
"Hotch, I was a 12-year-old child prodigy in a Las Vegas public high school. You kick like a 9-year-old girl," Spencer replied, trying to sound brush off Hotch's concern. It was true, though not the way Hotch took it to mean. Spencer's first injury from a school bully had been when he was six and had been placed in the 4th grade and a group of nine year olds had cornered him and made it clear how unhappy they were with a baby in their class by breaking two ribs. Nine year old girls kicked damn hard in their shiny polished, solid enough not to wear out before you grow out of them, school shoes. He was much more able to deal with the physical pain this time but he had no idea how to even begin to process the fact that a team member he trusted had injured him, much less that it was his soul mate who had willingly kicked him. It hurt in ways he hadn't thought it was possible to hurt. Almost as badly as when he'd been rejected that night in Hotch's car and he didn't have the ability to find a place to curl up and hide this time. The paramedics would probably insist on transporting him to hospital if they realised how much pain he was in, even if he wasn't sure how much of it was due to his physical injuries and unless he was admitted to hospital, he was due on the plane with the rest of the team as soon as the paperwork could be completed.
Spencer wasn't sure why he was attempting to make Hotch feel better about the incident when all he wanted was to be held and a heartfelt personal apology, not for being in the situation where he had to risk injuring a team mate but for hurting Spencer and the damage it did to their relationship, and an acknowledgement that it hurt Hotch to hurt him like that. He knew he wasn't going to get what he wanted. His rational mind acknowledged that it had been part of a desperate plan to save both their lives but his heart still hurt. His father may have rejected his mother, sending her schizophrenia into a downward spiral but at least he'd never physically attacked her. Not for the first time he wondered if he'd be better off leaving the BAU and never seeing his soul mate again, but he still couldn't bear the idea no matter how much the coolly professional interaction hurt him.
Hotch walked away dissatisfied that his apology had been brushed off, though he understood Reid wanting to keep things professional. It was what he'd told the young man he wanted from him and the reasons for that hadn't changed. He wasn't prepared to offer a personal relationship so it was his own fault if Reid didn't want to have any personal interaction with him. He told himself that he should be grateful that Reid hadn't welcomed his attempts to apologise because his overall priorities hadn't changed and it would've hurt both of them in the long run.
-o0o-
In the weeks that followed Spencer tried to comfort himself that Hotch hadn't kicked him as hard as he could have and none of the comments had been about their soul mate status but rather reinforcing Spencer's lack of ability to shoot a gun but he still had nightly nightmares where Hotch had smiled as he kicked harder, breaking his ribs and driving them into his lungs, cursing the fact that such a weakling was his soul mate and enjoying hurting him as he lay drowning in his own blood. Or nightmares where he'd been unable to shoot Dowd before he'd killed Hotch and Hotch's ghost haunted him cursing him for not saving his life, accusing Spencer of failing deliberately so he couldn't go home to Haley, the woman he loved.
-o0o-
The worst part of being friends with a womaniser like Morgan was his firm belief that everyone wanted to get laid as frequently as he did and his determination to help Spencer hook up with someone or ask someone on a date.
Spencer's ribs had finally stopped aching, though the pain of rejection still stung every time Spencer thought of his soulmate. Even knowing that he and Hotch would never be anything more than colleagues
"Don't tell me you're saving yourself for your soul mate. That's a pre-teenage girl and religious zealot idea. They won't have waited for you," Morgan said laughing.
"I don't believe in soul mates," Spencer replied, looking like Morgan had just killed his cat. He knew Hotch hadn't waited for him, he'd never expected his soulmate to wait but the fact that he'd fallen in love and made such a strong commitment to another person that he hadn't wanted to give them up to form a soul mate bond with him still hurt to be reminded of.
"Soul mates are a proven fact, Pretty Boy, and there's never been a reliable way to know whether you will have one or not until your thirtieth birthday when a name does or doesn't appear," Morgan said obliviously.
"No, that's not what I meant. I know that some people will get names of their supposed soul mate when they turn thirty, what I meant was that I don't believe that just because somebody's name is written in your skin it makes them the perfect match for you or that you'll automatically fall in love or be happy together. Statistically people over thirty who have a soul mate mark have a 78% greater incidence of depression, 56% increase in rates of of alcoholism, 37% more likelihood of drug addiction and are 48% more likely to commit suicide than those who don't have a soul mate mark, more than half the people with a name on their chest will spend the rest of their lives looking for the person with that name without any hope of actually finding them," Spencer replied. "Even if you meet the person whose name matches what's written on your skin, there's no guarantee of happily ever after. You have more than 60 years of life experiences between you by the time you've both received your marks. Your history or theirs or your circumstances might make you exactly the wrong person for them and them the wrong person for you no matter what your skin says, and how many perfectly happy marriages are destroyed because one of the couple turns thirty and someone else's name appears, or people put off marriage and children with a perfect partner because they're secretly hoping for a magical match where they're perfect for each other and never have to put any effort into making the relationship work. If it wasn't illegal, I'd get that whole area tattooed black so I would never know if a name appeared or not."
"My parents were soul mates and the love they had for each other was amazing. It overflowed everything they said and did," Morgan replied.
"Your parents were lucky but one incidence doesn't prove a theory," Spencer said bitterly.
"Were your parents soul mates?" Morgan asked.
"Yes, my mother still cries every time she sees his name on her chest, bandaging it doesn't help and actually makes it worse because she still thinks about what's under the bandage every time she sees it or moves suddenly and the sticking plaster pulls and the scars from trying to burn it off her skin would be worse, but she's not allowed to try and get rid of it or tattoo over it even though she hasn't heard from him since he walked out on her more than ten years ago," Spencer replied angrily. "As a child I used to worry that she'd have a bad day and seriously harm herself trying to cut it out." A valid fear, he'd arrived home more than once to find her trying, luckily it was after he'd already locked up every single thing sharper than a butter knife so I while she'd badly bruised her chest she hadn't managed to kill herself, though she'd done significant damage to her breast and required surgery.
"That must be difficult, but are you sure your father wasn't in an accident and in a coma or something, unable to come home to her. Garcia could look into it for you."
"My father was a lawyer and all lawyers in the state of Nevada have been fingerprinted for decades so unless he's in some unmarked grave somewhere, I'm sure we would have heard if anything had have happened to him. Besides he took all of his belongings with him, how many people do that before they get into an unplanned accident," Spencer said sarcastically. "Pity, he had a substantial life insurance policy and we could have done with his death benefits. But Mom's still on his medical insurance and they're still making a co-payment for her care, so he's still working somewhere, and he has to know where Mom is even though he hasn't been in touch it would be on his insurance statement where the payments go to. I guess I should be grateful he never tried to remove us. I don't know why he didn't."
"You hate him that much that you'd rather he was dead?" JJ asked.
"Not really, it would have been easier on Mom if he had died instead of rejecting her. I don't think about him most of the time. He hasn't been part of my life since I was young. His absence wouldn't have been a great loss to me if it weren't for Mom's reaction. Even when he was there, the only times I got positive attention from him was by pretending to be something I'm not. He was a weak and inherently selfish man and what he did to my mother was unforgivable. I have no need for him in my life but his life insurance would have made up for the lack of the alimony and child support he should have paid while I was a kid which would have been useful," Spencer replied.
A/N: Thank you to all those who reviewed followed or favourited this story for your support.
Stay safe everyone.