Autumn, Late September, 1915.
Dear Diary,
Here is a lesson I learned from Elizabeth today that struck me. When one begins a new path, the pathway is rocky and bumpy against the wheel of the wagon. After going over the same path over and over, the pathway will become accustom to the wheel of the wagon and it will gain use to this new pathway. The pathway will smooth out and easy to roll on eventually.
Why is it that every pathway I seem to take, I get stuck and can't move a muscle? All the pathways I seem to take just seem to last longer each day and seem to just never end. No matter how far I go the journey gets further and I get very exhausted and I have to stop. There is something wrong with me. I don't know how... I can't... I can't put the words together...Its too jigsaw puzzle pieces for me to even paint a picture.
Clara heard her name be called by Rosemary downstairs. She placed her diary away into her desk drawer and picked herself up to go meet her downstairs. She paused for a moment as she got winded and had to sit down, taking a moment for herself and then getting back up to meet the older woman downstairs.
Rosemary stood in the kitchen holding fabric pattern in her arms. She was determined to have Clara do something today. After noticing at work that Clara has been spacing out more and more, even catching her nearly fall asleep in the back during a dress fitting for a date night that Robert's parents were having (Not a new dress, just a patch fix on one dress she already owned). Rosemary wants to help and the best she could do was sit with Clara and together the two would make something. Anything.
Clara came into the kitchen to see the blonde holding fabric. Internally Clara said No, not today. But her heart said to her Don't burden Rosemary. She did this for you. Be respectful. "Hi Rosemary."
"Hi Clara. I have the cutest fabric for you to use," She held up the white and blue toned fabric. "I know its the cold season but I had this WONDERFUL idea last night. What if we began our summer dress line early?"
"Why so early?"
"So that when summer arrives, we will be stocked up on dresses to sell and patterns to sell." Rosemary explained. "We can start simple; Tops first, skirts next." Clara nodded but it was not a Clara nod. "Or we start with dresses all together."
Clara was in no mood to do a single thing, yet she knew she had to do something. She forced everything in her to smile. "You can do that. I...I actually thought of something else I might do."
"Oh and what's that?"
"A surprise."
The two sat in the living room for three hours. And during all one hundred eighty minutes Clara just wanted to slip back into bed and sit. Not sit here and work on the fun piece she was creating right now with Rosemary next to her. Clara just did her hand movements and made pace.
Rosemary on her hand kept glancing at Clara's work. It wasn't her work. It was messy, unorganized and... Not Clara. "What is it you are making again?"
"A surprise. Its for a friend in Hamilton." She answered. "My friend Marguerite and her husband Lloyd are expecting their second baby. They already have their daughter, Daisy, so they're hoping for a boy this time around."
"How exciting. Do they have names picked out for him?"
"Lloyd Jr." She said. "LJ for short. June if they're having a girl." What Clara was making was for mostly a girl, a headband, but maybe she could try and make a little boy hat for LJ. "How is your top coming out?"
A half hour later Clara made an excuse about having to go to the mercantile to gather food items for dinner tonight. Rosemary left her soon after and Clara pretended to leave...Then came back moments later to sit on the couch.
Clara eventually fell asleep on the couch, not waking up for a few more hours. At which point Jesse was shaking her to wake her for dinner. A creamy mushroom soup that Lucas made for Jesse to bring to Clara, plus a side dish of cupcakes to make her feel better. It took Jesse a few moments to convince her to get up and come eat. She got up slowly...Only to nearly fall forward and hit the floor. Jesse caught her though.
"Did you eat anything today, Clara?"
Rosemary made me eat lunch. A tuna casserole she made. "Tuna that Rosemary made." I felt so sick after I ate it. "That was it."
Jesse nodded, but couldn't stop looking at her. She was so pale and looked weak. He noticed that she lost weight, but couldn't tell by how much. She wore pins and belts to make it appear that her clothes fitted her. She's been able to trick the outside world but the husband knew that there was something with his wife that bothered him, because something bothered her. "Clara, can you please talk to me?"
"I'm just tired."
"But you look so sick. Come on," He helped her to where she usually sat. Jesse placed her napkin on her lap and second napkin against her dress collar then sat himself. "Creamy mushroom soup from the saloon."
"How much?"
"Doesn't matter."
"Jesse—"
"I told Lucas you had a bug yesterday and didn't eat." He claimed. "He offered this to help fill up what you couldn't eat yesterday." He picked up a spoonful of the soup and held it out for her to take.
Clara stared at the soup. Am I this...She mentally shook it off. Stop it. She sipped slowly. It taste so...so...so
Bland.
Sorry I had to stop mid-way Diary. Rosemary called for me and I had to go. Then I slept, had dinner with Jesse and laid back down. I'm trying to make myself write and finish this page before sleeping. Or, finish this before Jesse gets up here for bed.
I'm pathetic. I am so pathetic. Jesse had to feed me. I can't even pick up my own stuff. I am so pathetic...
I am a burden.