This chapter is a bit of a crossover. I'm using a few characters from a manga called IS – Otoko Demo Onna Demo Nai Sei (all non-Hikago characters appearing in this chapter.) It's been really long since I read it (and I just realized I probably never finished it…) but even so I remember enjoying it.
Chapter 5
In the morning, when his mother came to wake them up, Hikaru felt like he hadn't slept at all.
"Hikaru?" She was shaking his shoulder. "Wake up. Your friend is here."
"What…? Sai?" Hikaru rolled over sleepily. "Good. Say he don't go anywhere…"
"I think she means Touya," Sai said, sitting on his mattress.
Hikaru blinked. "What? Touya?" He gave Sai a bleary look. "What's he doing here?"
"Didn't you say yesterday that he'd come?"
"Right…" Hikaru sat up and gave a big yawn. "But why so early…"
...
A little later the three of them were sitting around the kitchen table, Hikaru and Sai eating breakfast.
"Would you like something, Touya-kun?" Hikaru's mother asked. "Tea?"
"I'm alright, thank you. And I really am sorry coming this early, but…" he glanced at Sai, "I wanted to get here before you'd leave."
There was a moment's silence as Sai kept on staring at his tea, avoiding looking at anyone. "Right," Hikaru said then, and stuffed his mouth full. He swallowed in one big gulp, and emptied his mug. "Okay, come." He stood up. "Let's go to my room to talk."
"Sai-kun isn't finished yet, Hikaru," his mother pointed out. "Can't you talk here?"
He gave her a look. "No, we can't. Besides, at the rate he's going, it'll take him whole day to be finished."
"It's alright, Shindou-san," Sai said quietly. "I'm quite full. Thank you for the breakfast." They headed back upstairs, leaving her to watch after them with a worried frown on her face.
...
"So." Hikaru shut the door behind them. "I hope you'll get him to talk," he said to Touya. "He won't say anything to me."
He remained standing by the door, arms crossed, as if guarding it. Sai sat on the bed, and Touya took the only chair in the room.
"Get him to talk," he muttered, glancing at Hikaru. "You sound like a yakuza. And look like one, the way you stand there. But…" He turned back to Sai. "He's got a point. Are you okay? You don't… look too well. It's not anything serious, is it? That… doctor's appointment?"
"Depends on how you define serious," Sai muttered.
"But, you're not, like, dying or anything?" Hikaru put in. "Right?"
"Right," Sai sighed. "Not dying."
"So where were you yesterday?" Touya asked. "…if you… don't want to talk about it, it's okay, of course, but—"
"I was thinking about going to see the doctor, by myself," Sai said. "Didn't, though. I don't know, I just… couldn't make my mind. I should… do something, but…"
"Now we're getting somewhere," Touya said when his voice trailed off. "Is this all about some medical thing? The reason why you're going to see a doctor today?"
"Yeah." Sai swallowed. He stayed quiet a long while, watching his two best friends, eyes glancing from one to the other, and somehow his whole bearing appeared to be on edge, as if he might at any moment just bolt out of the room. Finally he seemed to reach a decision, his shoulders drooping a little and gaze falling to the ground. "It's about… intersex," he said very, very quietly.
"What?" Hikaru said. He had never heard that word before.
Touya just sat there, eyes a little wide and unblinking. "Umm," he finally said. "Is that…? I mean, I'm not sure if I… that is, are you…?"
"Is he what?"
"It's called partial androgen insensitivity syndrome, to be exact," Sai said, still talking very quietly.
"Alright." Touya let out a breath. "That's, uh… something. Though I don't really know anything about it… is it, that is…" He fell quiet, obviously at a loss.
"You seem to know more than me," Hikaru muttered, annoyed. Sai gave yet another sigh.
"I don't know that much about it either," he said. "I just found out yesterday that I… that I've got it."
"So do your parents…"
"They knew," Sai cut Touya off quite sternly. "Just didn't deem it important enough to tell me too."
There was a moment's silence. "That is," Touya said then slowly, "if you excuse me, quite shitty."
"Tell me about it," Sai muttered.
"No," Hikaru said, growing more and more vexed. "Tell me about it. What's that insensibility syndrome? You've got it?"
"Insensitivity syndrome, Shindou," Touya corrected him. "And that sounds like something you might have," he muttered to himself.
"Well, whatever! What is it, that's what I asked!"
"I'm still working on finding out," Sai said. "I… found this, online." He pulled a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. "I was… thinking about it at the park. If I should go there…"
"What is it?" Touya took the paper from his hand and straightened it. "Shizuku no kai…" he read on it. "What is it?" he repeated.
"Some kind of a… support group," Sai muttered.
"Right." Touya gave the paper yet one look. "But why don't you first go to see the doctor with your parents? Then… hey, are you okay?" Sai's shoulders had started to shake.
"Sai?" Hikaru crouched down by the bed and tried to get a look of his face. "What is it?"
Sai shook his head, staring at the floor. "They… they've just… never told me anything. And the doctor's… been lying too! I asked him!" He looked up suddenly, tears rolling down his face. "I asked him last time if everything was okay, and he said yes! And nothing's okay! And I don't want to go there with my parents cause how do I know they won't just lie again!"
Touya was again watching the paper in his hand. "Maybe we should check out this place, then."
"We?" Sai said with a sniff.
"Yeah, of course it's we!" Hikaru exclaimed. "But… so what exactly is that place? Support group for what?"
"IS, it says there. Intersex, right? I think we should be going, if you want to avoid your parents," Touya said taking a look at his watch. "Let's…"
The doorbell rang, cutting him off. A moment they all just stared at each other. Then Hikaru's mother called from downstairs "Hikaru! Akari-chan's here!" and they let out a collective breath of relief.
"What are you doing here?" Hikaru exclaimed as he rushed down the stairs. "So early too!" Akari was standing at the front door, together with her dog.
"I saw the light in your room was on and I thought to ask if you'd… oh, he's here!" Akari smiled at someone behind Hikaru's back. "Is everything okay? You had us worried!" Then she glowered at Hikaru. "Why didn't you tell me he's here! I worried all night!"
"I forgot. Now that you saw he's..." Hikaru fell quiet mid-sentence. Behind Akari he saw a car pulling to a stop on the street. He took quickly a step back. "Akari," he whispered. "I need you do me a favor."
"What?" She frowned at him. "Why would I? You didn't..."
"If not me, then Sai!" Hikaru cut her off sharply. "You need to leave now, and tell his mom that we're not here."
"What?" She glanced over her shoulder, confused. "Why?"
"Is she here already?" Sai stand behind Hikaru's back. "Please, Akari, would you? I'm sorry to ask you to lie, but..."
Akari blinked, still confused, but shrugged then. "You need to tell me later why," she said.
"Good! Get going!" Hikaru shooed her away. "Before she's here!"
Akari gave him yet a look and turned to go. Peeking from the kitchen window Hikaru saw her walking to the street and stop to talk with Sai's mother who had just got out of the car. The woman stopped to pet her dog. Then Akari must have said something that caught her interest, for she straightened her back suddenly. They talked a while, and Akari was shrugging and then pointing somewhere, and finally Sai's mother turned to get back into the car. The car made a U-turn and drove away.
Hikaru let out a breath of relief. "There! Great job, Akari!"
"We should get going, too," Touya said.
"Wait," Sai said. "Should you two really come? I think it's better..."
"I think we'd better not to let you out of our eyes," Hikaru said, and Touya was nodding in agreement.
Sai looked like he wanted yet to protest, but said nothing.
"Let's go then! She might come back yet!" Hikaru rushed to put his shoes on.
As the boys were dressing up Hikaru's mother stopped by with a pile of laundry in her arms. "Are you going somewhere? Did Akari-chan leave already?"
"Yeah, we go out a bit, mom," Hikaru said. She frowned.
"I thought your mother was coming to pick you up," she said to Sai.
"Yeah, she... she's a bit late," Sai said, blushing lightly. "She'll come... later."
"Let's go! "Hikaru exclaimed before his mother could say anything else, and practically pushed the others out.
Akari was strolling slowly down the street. When she saw the boys she ran quickly to them. "So? What is this about?"
"None of your business," Hikaru told her tersely.
"Hikaru!" Sai gave him a look. "Thanks for the help," he said to Akari. "And I'm sorry... I'll... I'll tell you later, okay?"
She gave him a searching look. "Okay. And hey, take care." Suddenly she stepped forward to give him a hug. "I don't know what's wrong but I hope you get it sorted out soon."
Sai stood very still. Then his lower lip quivered a little, and Hikaru gave a slap on his shoulder.
"No time to start bawling now again! We need to get going!"
"Where are you going?" Akari asked.
"We..." Hikaru paused. "Where are we going?" he asked, turning to Touya, who gave a sigh."First to the subway." He glanced at the address on the paper. "Then... we'll just have to look."
...
They sat in the subway car, all three side by side and equally quiet. Sai kept on fingering his backpack's shoulder strip, glancing from the corners of his eyes at his friends who were sitting on his both sides. "I..." he said, and fell quiet again. They looked at him expectantly.
"Yes?"
He cleared his throat. "I was thinking that... maybe it's too soon to go there yet. I mean, maybe I should, you know, first do some research and, and... stuff."
"If you don't want to go there," Touya said, "of course you don't have to. But if you're saying that just because you're scared, that's different. Besides, I'd say they probably have the best resources for your research."
"Yeah! Hikaru nodded, even though he still didn't quite understand what this was all about. Why would Sai be scared of going to this IS place? "You still haven't told me what this is about. What's that, that... intersex thing?"
"Shhh!" Sai shot him a glare, bright red. "Don't talk about it here so loud!"
"But I..." Hikaru gave an annoyed wave with his hands. "Whatever! Tell me nothing, why would I need to know!"
Sai glanced at him a bit shamefacedly, but said nothing. "I'll tell you once we're in a bit more private place," Touya muttered quietly.
"Whatever," Hikaru muttered again and slumped against his seat.
Once they reached their destination it took them a while to find the right street. Touya led the way, stopping at times to ask for directions. Hikaru and Sai were following him quietly, but after a short while Hikaru couldn't take it anymore.
"There's not many people on this street, so start talking!" he exclaimed, annoyance clear in his voice. "Or I swear I'll ask the next passer-by what those things mean!"
Sai and Touya shared a quick glance and looked then away.
"Intersex," Sai said quietly, staring at the ground, "is... some kind of a, well, I don't know. I guess it's mainly that you're somehow... somehow not quite totally man or woman, but... somewhere... in-between?"
"In-between?" Hikaru frowned, confused. "How can you be in-between?"
"It just means that you've got, physically, characteristics of both men and women," Touya put in.
"Characteristics?" Hikaru gave a short laugh. "That's what I've always been saying, isn't it! You're so much like a..." He paused, frowning. Glanced at Sai who was still staring at the ground. "Wait. I don't get it. I mean, you are a boy, right? So if you're a boy, how can you be... in-between? How does that work? It's..."
"We're here," Touya said. He had stopped to watch a sign hanging above them.
"Here?" Hikaru said, doubtful. "I mean, that's some financial consultant office!"
"It says it's on the third floor. Let's go."
Touya walked in. Sai watched after him, not looking like planning to follow, but finally Hikaru pushed him in too. They climbed two floors up. There they found a door with the text "Shizuku no kai" on it. A moment they all stood behind the door, staring at it.
In-between? Hikaru was still wondering to himself while Touya raised his fist to knock on the door.
"Come in," a female voice came from inside. Touya took a breath and pushed the door open.
They stepped into a rather ordinary office-like room with a bookshelf and a computer desk. There was a woman sitting by the computer, tall and pretty and long-haired, holding a bunch of papers in her hands. She seemed a little surprised seeing the boys.
"Yes? How can I help you?"
"Umm," Touya said as it became clear no one else was going to start talking. "We, that is, our friend here, he's looking for some information, and... we thought this would be a good place to come..."
She gave them a long look, her gaze stopping on each boy at turn. Then her eyes returned to Sai who was staring at the ground, his face completely blank, and she gave them a small, perhaps a bit sad smile.
"Welcome, then," she said, placing the papers on the desk. "I hope I can be off help. I'm Inui Shizue, representative of the I.S. club."
"I.S.," Hikaru muttered under his breath. "That intersex thing? I'm still not getting it..."
She smiled at him, now wryly. "Don't worry, you're hardly the only one in the world. So," she turned to Sai, "from the looks of it, you have just been diagnosed?"
Sai shook his head. "At my birth, I guess. They just... didn't tell..." His voice faded away. A somewhat panicky look had crept into his eyes, and it seemed that if Hikaru hadn't been standing between him and the door, he just might not have been there anymore.
There was a moment's silence. "I see," she said then. "Let me guess... you found out on your own once puberty came – or didn't come?"
Sai nodded, lips pressed into a tight line. Seeing the tears brimming in his eyes she gave a short, soft laugh. "Oh, calm down, dear. It's not the end of the world, I can tell you."
"H-how would you know?" Sai said with a big sniffle. Shizue walked to him and bent down to look him into eye.
"Because," she said very softly, "there was no puberty for me either. Later days, with medication, I have... developed, should I say. Nowadays I live as a woman. And I think that this was the right decision for me."
The three boys just stared at her. "But," she went on, "you came here to learn, didn't you? Would you like to talk about this? Alone, I mean?" She gave a look at the other two boys.
Sai nodded. Then he too glanced at his friends. "Sorry," he muttered.
"Hey, that's why we came here, that you could have a word with someone." Touya bowed. "Thank you very much for taking the time to help him."
"No problem!" she said with a laugh. "That's why we are here – to help each other. So, if you come with me, umm..."
"Fujiwara Sai," Sai said as she followed her to another room, this one a little bigger, with more computers and shelves full of books and – he blinked – a collection of strange stuffed toys.
She shot him a smile. "Nice to meet you. Now, let me first show you one thing..." She stopped by a computer and tapped the mouse. "Here, look. This is our home page. Our group mainly works online. We've got 53 members at the moment. Some of them have profiles here, telling about their condition... well, as much as they're comfortable to tell. Here's mine."
"Fifty-three?" Sai said, sounding a little astonished. He watched the computer over her shoulder. That was the same site he had attempted to view at school but which had been blocked. He had managed to find the address by doing some more searches with the group's name.
Shizue gave him an amused look. "You think that is much? Intersex isn't overly common, that's true... but even following quite careful estimations, there'd be some 150 000 intersexed people in Tokyo alone."
Sai stared at the computer. "But where... are they all?"
"Hiding, mainly," she said, and sat down with a sigh. "Take a seat. It's the three S's... secrecy, shame, stigma. But it's not them we were going to talk about, was it?" she went on with a little smile. "Want to tell me about yourself?"
Sai sat down gingerly. "I... I just, apparently I've got something they call PAIS. And there's… there's been some surgery, when I was small, but I don't know about it... mother said it was a small thing, but... I don't know. If she's, she's al-always been l-lying to me, then..." He realized he was crying again, but couldn't stop though he tried. Shizue reached out a hand and placed it on his shoulder, letting him cry a moment.
"There, there," she whispered then, giving his shoulder a squeeze. "Easy now. PAIS, huh? You know the grade?"
"T-two," Sai stuttered, between sniffles.
"Alright. How much you know about it?"
"Not much," Sai confessed, sniffing.
Shizue nodded. "Okay. The basics: There are altogether seven grades. Grade one corresponds to mild AIS and grades six and seven to complete AIS. If you were born with CAIS, complete androgen insensitivity syndrome that is, your genitalia would look exactly like a woman's, and you would – most likely though of course not necessarily – also identify as a woman. With mild AIS you would look like a man. Partial AIS is, of course, there in-between. If you've got grade two, then the surgery, most likely, has been to fix hypospadias..."
"Yes!" Sai put in.
"...which simply means that the hole which should be at the tip of the penis, is located somewhere along the way. That would make, for example, peeing when standing impossible."
Sai stared awkwardly at his hands in his lap. It was a rather peculiar feeling, to sit there being lectured about such things by an attractive woman. Woman? He glanced at Shizue. I live as a woman, she'd said. Did that mean she was one?
"Did you have something else you wanted to ask?" She looked at him with a smile, and he looked quickly away.
"Is this why I've got... I've got..." His hand made a tiny movement as if to touch his chest, but didn't, quite.
She had noticed the little movement. "Breast growth? Now, for one thing... some breast development during puberty isn't uncommon among boys. It doesn't have to be related to intersex at all. Though in your case, of course, most likely it is... but it also might go away on its own within a year or so. And if you don't wish for that kind of development, it can always be dealt with medically."
"If I don't... wish for?" Sai whispered quietly.
Shizue was watching him quite seriously. "You have obviously been raised as a boy. Do you feel you are one?" As Sai said nothing, just stared at her, she sighed and went on, "There's one thing you need to understand. You are what you are. Being intersex doesn't change that. Physical sex and gender identity are two different things. If you feel like a boy, then you are one – and if you feel like a girl, then you are a girl. And it's perfectly possible to be neither, or both." She gave him a smile that was a little sad. "These can be difficult questions, I know that. Much more difficult than most people would ever understand. If you want to, you can start having hormone therapy, and even surgery. But before you do that, it's best you are certain of what you want."
...
As Sai left with the strange woman, the two boys spent a while staring at the door that closed behind them.
"Living as a woman?" Hikaru said then, turning to Touya. "I mean, she... she's so, so obviously a woman! How could she live as something else?"
Touya sighed. "You just don't get it, do you?" he muttered. There was a stand in the corner of the room, with some pamphlets in it. He took one and gave it to Hikaru. "Read that. Maybe it helps. Actually... I think I'll read one too." He took another and sat down to read it.
Hikaru was reading his own, still standing there with his mouth a little open.
"But..." he finally said, giving Touya a confused look. "But Sai's a boy! I mean, I know he's all girly, but he's still totally a boy, I know, I've seen… how could, I mean, is he... this..." He had turned to stare at the paper again. "It's just… what?"
"I think we'd better just wait for him to come back and tell us. And if he's going to say something like that he's actually she or anything else like that, you'd better not make an issue about it. I mean it!" he snapped when Hikaru gave him an open-mouthed look. "I bet this is hard enough for him as it is. We need to help him and support him and not make it even harder." He frowned at the piece of paper and put it in his pocket. "After all, whatever he'll be, he's still himself, right? He'll still play amazing go, and..."
Hikaru burst into laughter. "And that's all that matters, huh? I bet you wouldn't care if he were a slimy green Martian, as long as he keeps on playing!" His laughter died away, and he sat down next to Touya, staring again at the paper. "Intersex, huh? What the..."
A long while passed and they sat there in silence. Hikaru's eyes wandered across the room – such an ordinary, boring room that it was hard to believe it had anything to do with such absolutely mind-boggling things. He kept on thinking about the woman who had gone to talk with Sai. She looked just like any woman. It was almost creepy. A moment he wondered how many of the people that he passed daily on the streets weren't what they looked like. Creepy. And if Sai...
He didn't know what to think. He seriously didn't have a clue what to think.
"How long is it going to take?" he finally muttered. "I want to get out of here!" His mind seemed to be following the same track, round and round again, without reaching any kind of conclusion, and he was growing sick of it.
"They must have much to talk about," Touya said. "Give him time. It's not any simple matter." Still the way his fingers were playing with the hem of his jacket betrayed that he was quite on the edge, too.
"Let's play," Hikaru said suddenly.
"What?"
"Let's play while we wait!"
"That would be a good way to pass time," Touya agreed. "But are you already good enough for blind go?"
"What?" Hikaru was digging around in his backpack. "I don't know, probably, but I've got my magnetic go board with me." He took it out of his backpack. "So, play? I want two stones less than last time!"
"Two stones? Are you sure?" Hikaru gave him a look, and he shrugged. "Fine."
They sat on the floor and started the game. It took a little longer than usually, but the game did have the effect Hikaru had hoped for. It happened so stealthily he didn't even notice anything, but after a while he was completely submerged in the game's world, everything about their surroundings fading from his mind. Touya's playing style was completely different from Sai's. Nor did the boy hold back the way he was sure Sai did… It didn't take him long to realize that it might have been better to decrease the handicap with only one stone first, but it was now too late for that. He had to work hard to stay in the game – but that was good. Distraction was what he had wanted.
Touya played on calmly, replying to his moves only after a short thought. He realized that at this rate he'd be forced to resign long before the endgame, unless he came up with something new. He paused to think, and Touya waited patiently for him to reach a decision. He knew well that it would be hard for him to come up with something his opponent hadn't yet thought. That didn't stop him from trying, though, and slowly a plan was beginning to form in his mind. He played a move, and Touya frowned, but didn't pause. A few moves later the frown had deepened, but still he remained quiet. Hikaru played on, confident in his strategy, building it one move after another. Touya didn't seem to notice what he was doing – until a well-placed white stone suddenly cut him off. He stared at the board, hand frozen above it holding a stone.
"Wait…"
"Wait what?"
He lowered his hand to his lap. Damn. Well, it had been a bit too easy to be true. Still, for a moment he had thought he had a chance.
"I've lost," he muttered.
Touya bowed his head. "Thank you for the game."
"Thanks for the game…" Hikaru was still watching the board, annoyed. "Shit, I was so close."
"Close?" Touya gave him a frowning look. "When exactly you think you were close? With this move?" He pointed at the board. "You seriously thought that would work?"
"It wasn't a bad plan!" Hikaru defended himself fervently. "Okay, maybe I didn't think of everything, but if I had thought of that move of yours, I…"
"That would have hardly made any difference," Touya cut him off dryly. "Even if you had played here and here, rendering that move useless, it wouldn't have helped, cause…"
"Then I would have come up with something else!"
"There is nothing else you could have tried! Ever since you lost this cluster here, this game was over!"
Hikaru watched the board darkly. "I just made a couple of small mistakes. If I'd got this…"
"Then you would have made your small mistakes elsewhere," Touya said, annoyance clear in his voice. "You're simply not at the level…"
Hikaru's eyes flared. "…of such star players as you, huh?! Well maybe not yet, but just you wait, some day I…"
"Sai is the only one I'm willing to wait for! You won't ever…"
"I won't huh? Some day you're in for a real surprise!"
Touya smiled wryly. "I wonder if I live old enough to see that day."
"You. Are. A jerk! Hikaru exclaimed "Let's play again!"
Touya sighed. "Again? I don't think we have time…"
"Let's play again!" Hikaru slammed a stone down – he had to adjust it a little on the small board to get it in the right place – and raised his blazing gaze to his opponent. A moment Touya stared him into the eye, then he grasped a stone and snapped it on the board in his turn. He'd barely let go of it when Hikaru already slammed the next one down.
"You want speed go?" Touya muttered. "Fine for me!"
For a long while the only sound in the room came from the angry snaps of the stones. They had to, gradually, slow down a little and place the stones more carefully, for their board was quite on the tiny side, but even that didn't really damper their vigor. As the game proceeded, Hikaru saw that he was losing again, but this time he didn't care, or slow down, but went on even more infuriated. This game he would not resign.
He dragged the game to its end, even though he had clearly lost. When the last stone was placed on the board the two boys stopped, sharing a long look over their small board. Touya's face was unreadable, but there was something in his eyes that made Hikaru shiver a little – not of fear, but excitement. You'll see, he wanted to say. This game's just the beginning. Next year you'll have to fight to win against me.
"So?" someone asked. "Who won?"
The two boys gave a start and turned to look as one. Someone had entered the room without them noticing and had sat down next to them; a boy approximately of their age. He was watching the board curiously.
"Him," Hikaru said, nodding with his head. "Umm…"
"Oh, sorry to bother you," the boy said with a grin. "I'm Hoshino Haru. I came to see Shizue-san, but…" he glanced around, "isn't she here? Usually there's someone in this room, and not just two guys playing go, of all things."
"Oh, she's… she's in there," Touya said, nodding toward the door. "She went to have a talk with a friend of ours. We were just passing some time with go."
Haru gave a laugh. "You seemed pretty serious about your pastime," he said. "I guess I'll have to wait then, too. Is your friend a new member?"
"Mem…" Hikaru blinked. "Are you one of them?" he then exclaimed.
"Shindou!" Touya snapped at him. "I'm sorry, he's an idiot. And… I don't know if our friend's joining anything. He just wanted to talk about… these things with someone."
"Mmm, I see." Haru nodded. "And yeah, I'm one of 'them'," he added with a little wink at Hikaru
Hikaru was watching him suspiciously. On closer inspection, he really was quite androgynous. "So which are you? A boy or a girl?"
"Shindou…" Touya hissed again, a little exasperatedly, but Haru just laughed out loud.
"I'll tell you once I figure it out." As Hikaru gave him a blank look, he shook his head a little amusedly. "Legally, I'm a girl. They made me wear skirt at school, though most of my life I've been thinking I'm a boy. But recently… I'm just not so sure anymore, okay?"
Hikaru blinked, and opened his mouth as if to say something.
"Shindou, please, shut up," Touya said before he could get a word out. "Please."
Hikaru gave him a glare. "You don't even know what I was going to say," he said.
"Most likely something inconsiderate and/or rude."
"I…!" Hikaru started to exclaim, but then the door opened, and Shizue and Sai, who was holding a stuffed animal in his hand, entered the room.
"Oh, hi Haru-kun!" Shizue said, and Haru stood up, nodding at her. "Already here? You're a little early."
"Yeah, I know. If you still have business with them, I can wait…"
"I think we're done," Sai said quietly, rubbing his nose. "Thanks for everything," he said to Shizue bowing his head.
She smiled at him. "It's nothing. Take care. And if you need any help, or just want to talk, don't hesitate to contact us."
"Thanks." Sai bowed again, sniffed his nose. Then he looked at Hikaru and Touya. "I think we should be going…"
"Yeah." Hikaru was watching him worriedly. "You okay?"
"Yes." Sai drew a deep breath and managed a weak smile. "Don't worry, I'll be fine."
"It's a wonderful thing you have such good friends," Shizue said. "Sadly enough, not all friendships survive things like this. You're quite lucky." She smiled at the three of them.
"Yeah." Sai swallowed. "Thanks again. Bye…"
"See you!"
As they walked out Hikaru was giving Sai searching looks. He couldn't help noticing his eyes were somewhat reddish. He was clutching the weird toy to his chest, looking quite pale and quiet.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Touya asked, at the same time as Hikaru said, "What the hell is that?"
"I'm fine," Sai muttered. "And this…" He gave a look at the pale blue, flowery, vaguely rabbit-like creature, and smiled. "I got this from Shizue-san, she's made this. There were many of these things in that room, and at one point I just… happened to grasp this one cause I… I don't know, I just wanted to hold onto something, and it made her so glad. And then she gave it to me. I kind of like it."
"I think it's a bit… freaky," Hikaru said, watching the ragdoll-like body that had something like a rabbit's head and tail attached to it.
"So? I like it still."
"So, did it help? Talking with her?" Touya asked, and Sai nodded.
"She explained to me so many things. And she also gave me the name of a doctor who's got expertise on… these things. I think I'll rather go see him than our family doctor." He stopped. "Which reminds me… hold this a moment, would you?"
He gave the rabbitty thing to Hikaru who gave it a weirded out look, took out his cell phone and turned it on. "I need to call my parents," he muttered.
Someone picked up almost immediately, and didn't give Sai a chance to say anything. He sighed. "Mother, look, I… no, I'm not alone, I'm with, yes, them, and… No! I just went to see some people who could really explain things to me. And we… we need to talk. Yes… yes, I… I'll come home. Okay? No need, I'll take the subway. Yes. Bye."
He cut off the call and sighed again. "This is going to be fun," he muttered.
"Should we come with you?" Touya asked.
Sai shook his head. "No… they're my parents, I got to deal with them. I'll call you later."
They had reached the subway station. "Thanks for everything," Sai went on. "Thanks for dragging me there." He smiled a little lopsidedly. "I don't know if I'd dared to go there on my own."
"Of course." Touya smiled at him and then surprised Hikaru by giving Sai a hug – he had never appeared to be the hugging type. "Let us know if we can help at all. You can call any time, you know. Middle of the night, if you need to."
"Thanks." Sai hugged him back, tightly. Then he turned to Hikaru. "I can take that now," he said and grasped the rabbit. "No need for you to hang on to something so freaky," he added lightly with a smile.
"Yeah… that is…" Hikaru shifted from foot to foot, trying to find his tongue. "I can… hang onto anything, you know, if I need to. I mean if you need me to. That is…" Sai was watching him a little amusedly, holding the rabbit, and suddenly Hikaru stepped forward and gave him a very quick hug too. "You know?"
"Yeah, I do," Sai said with a little laugh. "Thanks."
They all took their own ways from the station, each of them heading to their homes.
...
Hikaru sat quietly in a corner of the subway car, thinking. He felt like a complete fool at the moment – what on earth had he been trying to say there? He fished the pamphlet out of his pocket, and tried to read it again stealthily, so that no one would see what he was reading.
"Intersex" is a general term used for a variety of conditions in which a person is born with a reproductive or sexual anatomy that doesn't seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male…
He shut his eyes, tightly, and repeated that in his mind. Doesn't seem to fit the typical definitions of female or male. He remembered that, that… boy's? words. Legally, I'm a girl… most of my life I've been thinking I'm a boy… I'm just not so sure anymore, okay?
He shook his head. Okay? How could it be okay?
…and what about Sai?
All the way to the station he had wanted to ask about that. Are you still a guy? What are you? He simply hadn't dared. Not to mention that Touya most likely would have got angry and told him that he was being rude.
He thought about Touya, and what he had said when they had been sitting in that room, waiting for Sai. Whatever he'll be, he's still himself, right? Right. That had to be right. Sai was Sai, what else? What did it matter if he turned out to be a Martian or whatnot.
But still, there was a strange, queasy feeling in the pit of his stomach, and it wasn't going away. It had almost stopped him from giving Sai that hug, though he had seen that Sai needed it – fast though the hug had been, with that freaky rabbit squeezed in the middle. He just hoped Sai hadn't noticed his hesitation.
He sat in the subway car, leaning against his knees, and tried to convince himself that Sai was Sai and that was all that mattered.
...
This discussion wasn't something Sai was looking forward to, but there was no use to put it off. He knew that, and also that he'd better head straight home or he might lose his determination on the way.
It was a strange feeling. He would have never believed that going home could ever be so scary…
He stuffed the rabbit into his backpack, not wanting to have any comments about it right now, and walked straight in. "I'm home," he called. His mother appeared almost immediately in the hall, the look on her face a strange combination of relief and anger.
"Sadao." He knew the tone. "I would never have believed that you would do something like this!"
"I know the feeling," he said dryly. "I would never have believed that you'd lie to me."
"I, I haven't…" A shadow of something flickered across her face, but so quickly Sai couldn't really say what emotion it had been. "Your father is waiting in the living room," she just said in the end. "It was a close thing that I didn't call the police when we couldn't find you, but he said we shouldn't involve them yet."
Sai said nothing to that. He walked into the living room and stopped in front of his father who, quite unusually, wasn't sitting in his chair but seemed to have been pacing back and forth in the room.
"About time," he muttered, frowning at his son. "And where have you been?"
"Finding out about things."
"You could have just asked us! Or doctor Akimoto! This kind of behavior is unforgivable!"
"I'm sorry for making you worry," Sai said, though honestly, he realized, he really wasn't sorry at all. "I don't want to go to see doctor Akimoto. I have found another doctor, he specializes on…"
"What?" His mother cut him off. "I don't think there is any reason to be switching doctors now!"
"Absolutely not," his father agreed. "Doctor Akimoto has been giving you the best treatment, and…"
"Best treatment?" Sai exclaimed. "Exactly when have I been getting any treatment?! And does he have any experience on intersex whatsoever? Now I was recommended doctor who actually knows about these things, and I… I want to go to meet him. Maybe he can help me figure out what… what I am."
His father was frowning. "Why would you have any uncertainty about what you are? You are our son, our…"
"Son? Are you so sure about that?"
"Of course you're our son!" His mother came to him and placed a hand on his shoulder, gently. "Sadao, look at me, darling. I understand this has been a shock for you, which is exactly why we have tried to keep all this from you, but there is no reason for you to feel confused about this. You know you're a boy, don't you? It's in your genes. What else could you be?"
"Shizue-san told me that even those who've got complete AIS and have… have, you know, women's parts and identify as women, that even they are genetically male."
"Shizue-san?" His mother frowned. "Who's that?"
"Someone I saw at this… place for intersex people."
"Sadao." His father stood up and looked at him severely. "You should not go to such shady places."
"It wasn't any shady place! And I got some real information there!"
"Is this where you also heard of this doctor? There is no need…"
"But I want to go to see him! And if you're not going with me, I'll go alone! Actually, I'd prefer it that way," he finished in a mutter.
"You are a minor!" his father exclaimed. "There is no way you can go to see a doctor about a matter like this on your own. And doctor Akimoto has given us excellent service since we came to Tokyo. We feel he is perfectly…"
"Well I don't!" Sai exclaimed. "And if I can't go to see this doctor during office hours, then I find a way to contact him privately! The only way you can stop me is to lock me in for the rest of my life!"
His mother sighed, pressing a hand on her temple. She looked at his father who stood, quiet and stone-faced, in the middle of the room.
"Give us the name of this doctor, then," he finally said. "I want to check him out first. If he is respectable, perhaps we can consult him too."
Sai gave them quietly the information he had.
"Say," his mother said, "when you left on this little… expedition of yours, were you together with Shindou-kun and Touya-kun?"
Sai hesitated a moment but nodded then. "Yes."
"And they didn't attempt to stop you?"
"No, why would they? Actually, if they hadn't been with me, I don't know if I'd dared to go anywhere. I don't know where I'd be right now without them, really!"
"Hmm." His mother made a disapproving sound. "I would have hoped for them to have more sense. Now, go to your room. You're grounded until we tell you otherwise."
Second grounding this year, Sai thought glumly. I'm turning into a real delinquent.
"And that's it?" he said aloud. "Aren't you even going to say you're sorry?"
"We have done all we have in your best interests," his father said. "You might not understand it now, but some day…"
"Some day I'll thank you, huh? We'll see." Sai turned on his heels and headed to his room.
Later that night when he had already gone to bed, his mother came to see him.
"Are you asleep?" she whispered as she entered his bedroom. He said nothing, but she could see his eyes were open, and she sat down on the edge of his bed. "Listen, darling, I just wanted to say that… I am sorry, if we have somehow made this harder for you. We were advised when you were born that secrecy would be best for you. That you wouldn't worry about what you didn't know. Maybe it wasn't the right course…. but I just want you to know that no matter what, you will always be my sweet little boy."
She placed a soft kiss on his forehead. Long after she was gone Sai was still lying awake in his bed, staring into the dark.
...
That weekend was awkward, to say the least. Sai spent it in his room, reading go books and replaying old games, but his mind wasn't in it. He would have wanted to do some more research online, but he was also banned from the internet.
It didn't matter, though. Right now he was feeling strangely calm, confident that very soon things would start happening. He would go to meet this new doctor, one way or another, and his parents wouldn't be able to do anything to stop it. Touya called once, but they didn't talk long because his mother was standing close by, clearly listening. Hikaru didn't call – and that, for some reason, made him nervous when he thought about it, and he would have wanted to ask if he could call Hikaru instead. He didn't, mainly because he didn't know what to say if he did get the permission.
Sunday passed. Monday morning he left to school, and the moment his home's gate closed behind his back, his calm evaporated. A moment he hesitated, a hand on the gate, wanting to go back in – surely if he said he was feeling ill mother would let him stay home. In fact, he knew from the way she had been watching him that she would have wanted to suggest it herself. That knowledge was the main thing to make him move, start walking away one step after another.
Mother had suggested giving him a lift, but he had declined, promising to go straight to school and come straight back. He was a little surprised she had agreed to that, but she had let him go without another word. He arrived at the school a little early, for two reasons: first of all, he didn't want to run across kids of his class in the yard. Secondly, he felt he really had to apologize for leaving without a word like he did.
He had had decided that the best explanation was to say that he had a doctor's appointment and had forgotten to mention it. His homeroom teacher did reprimand him rather strongly, but in the end fell quiet and gave him a long look.
"I hope you're alright, Fujiwara-kun," she finally said. "I noticed you looked quite pale on Friday. You didn't seem quite yourself."
"I'm fine," Sai said shortly and bowed a little. "Thank you for your concern, but there's nothing to worry about."
His plan had worked – he had arrived before any of his classmates, spent the time with the teacher, and was so able to enter the room without having to talk with anyone. This, of course, worked only in the beginning of the day. During the break he was sitting in the corridor, reading – or at least pretending to read. Every time someone walked by he tensed, expecting them to stop and ask where he had been, but no one seemed to be paying any attention to him. That is, until Akari dropped to sit by him.
"Hi!" She shot him a smile. "How are you today?"
"I…" He glanced at her quickly from the book. "I'm fine, thanks."
"I know it's winter," she said, "but it's not that cold. Couldn't we go to play today? After school? I mean, in the park, soccer or something? Not go, for a change…"
"That… that'd be great. But I… my parents are expecting me to come straight home."
"Oh." She seemed disappointed. "Tomorrow?"
"Tomorrow too," he muttered, eyes strictly on his book.
"What, you grounded or something?" It was Hikaru, who sat down by his other side. "No wonder though, after the stunt you pulled."
"Shh!" He shot the boy an annoyed glance. "Do you have to yell it to the whole school?"
"I'm not yelling," Hikaru said nonchalantly. "And no one's listening, anyway."
"You're… grounded?" Akari sounded a little incredulous. "For how long?"
Sai shrugged, uncomfortably. "Until further notice."
"That sucks," Hikaru stated. "Are visitors also forbidden?"
"I… don't know. They said nothing about that."
"So you can't come to the go club either?" Akari asked.
"No." Sai sighed. "Or the study group." That, he was a little bitter about.
They sat a moment in silence. "So," Akari said then. "What…" she started to ask, but didn't know how to go on. "I was just hoping that… we'd get a chance to talk," she admitted finally. "Somewhere more… private."
"Yeah." Sai was still staring at his book, wondering. Did he want to tell her? He wasn't sure. At the moment it was hard enough to know that Hikaru knew. He could practically feel the boy sitting right next to him. Quietly. It was weird, Hikaru was seldom quiet so long.
"Yeah," he repeated. "Maybe we'll, I mean I'm sure we, some day… we'll get to talk. It's a bit…"
"It's none of your business, Akari," Hikaru cut him off sharply. "If he wants to talk with you he'll come to you, so stop being a pest."
Akari shot him a glare, and Sai too gave him a warning look. "I'm sorry," he said then turning to Akari. "I will tell you all some day, okay? But… I think I need some time. I mean, I just found out myself, and… and… it's a bit… weird."
"It's a lot weird," Hikaru muttered under his breath.
Akari nodded. "Okay. Whenever you want to. And it's not like you had to tell me anything, you know? But… let me know if you need any help. I really was worried over you…"
"I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to worry anyone…" Sai felt himself blushing. He really hadn't been thinking what he did when he left from the school like that. Sure, everyone skipped school sometimes, or so they claimed. He was the exception that proved the rule. Or at least had been, so far.
The rest of the day passed without any incident whatsoever. It was almost weird – how normal everything around him was, as if the world hadn't been turned upside down just a few days ago. And he… he tried to behave normally too, but somehow he didn't anymore know what was normal and what not. Should he behave as he always had? Was that normal? And if he now tried to change himself, somehow… normalize… would people think that was weird? He found himself thinking carefully of everything he did, the smallest detail; how he spoke, acted, walked… and he couldn't really anymore say if he was behaving the way he always had or if, when he consciously attempted to be "normal", he was in fact acting quite strangely.
At least no one seemed to pay any attention to him. Hikaru was hanging around during the breaks, but he just talked of nonessential things. And, Sai noted, never looked him in the eye. They'd sit together, talk of go. At some point, Sai started paying more and more attention to how Hikaru carried himself, how he talked and walked and acted… and somehow, the farther the day got, the more awkward it began to seem to him. Hikaru would laugh, loud, as he always laughed, wave his hands as he talked, but there was something exaggerated in his gestures, his laughter was a bit too loud. As if he were playing a role – and wasn't such a good actor. He thought about it, and thought, and didn't really anymore listen to what the other boy was saying. At some point Hikaru seemed to realize he wasn't listening, and fell silent. In the end they just sat there, side by side, silence between them, and suddenly Sai didn't know what to say.
When the time to go home came, he was relieved. It had been a strangely exhausting day. He sat in the subway, eyes closed and holding his backpack in his arms, and thought.
How many days like this he would have to endure? How long would he be able to keep his condition a secret? He thought it was nothing short of a miracle no one had said anything – he felt he had been so blatantly obviously ill at ease the whole day. How could they not notice? And what would he do next day, when they had P.E.?
Changing clothes with a bunch of other boys around hadn't for long seemed like an attractive notion, and now even less. And if not the next day, sooner or later someone was bound to notice. He'd have to come up with a plan. Maybe he could start wearing the P.E. clothes under the school uniform? Though that would attract attention, too.
He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. Summer was still far away. He would go to meet this doctor and figure things out. Once summer came he would be normal. He did not, though, pause to think exactly what 'being normal' would take.
...
That night Sai dreamed, like once before, that he was a girl. It was morning and he was dressing up for school, and suddenly he realized he should be wearing a skirt, but he didn't have one. He was holding his boy's uniform in his hands, staring at himself, and wondering if they'd get mad at school if he came there dressed as a boy one more time. When he really woke up in the morning he laid long in the bed on his back, staring at the ceiling, trying not to think of anything.
...
"When are we going to see the doctor?" he asked his parents that morning at the breakfast. They shared a look. "I'd like to go as soon as possible," he went on as they stayed quiet. "You said you'd look in to it and I thought I'd wait until you make an appointment. But if you're taking too long, I'll..."
"It's just been two days," his father cut him off. "One, really – I couldn't do much on Sunday. Now, don't be so impatient."
Sai sighed. "It can't take that long to find out if he's a good doctor or not. And making the appointment is just one phone call away. Please… I really don't want to wait for long."
"We will make the decision today," his mother said. His father gave her a look, but said nothing. "Let's talk in the evening."
Sai nodded. He managed to go through yet another day at school without an incident, even change his clothes indiscreetly. It was, though, quite nerve-cracking. He didn't want to live like this, that much was clear.
He returned home not really daring to hope for much, but to his great surprise his mother actually announced that they had made the appointment. His father was nowhere to be seen.
"I called the office," she said, "and impressed on them we really need to have an appointment as soon as possible. So, they gave us a time tomorrow evening, quite late, after the normal consulting hours. Come straight home from school, and we will go there together."
Sai was speechless. "Thank you!" he then exclaimed.
...
Next day at school he was only waiting for the day to end. His concentration was even worse than on the previous days, and Hikaru too seemed to notice it.
"Is something going on?" the boy asked during the lunch break. "I mean, about… you know what."
"We're going to see a doctor tonight," Sai said after a moment's consideration. "You know, the one whose name I got… there."
"Oh."
They ate in silence for a while.
"So," Hikaru went on then. "It's good, right?"
"Yeah."
"Good."
They went on eating.
That was all they talked about it that day, and pretty much all they talked at all. Sai didn't pay attention to this, though, and as soon as they day ended he headed home half-running – as if the doctor's appointment would arrive any earlier, the faster he got home. He waited in his room, attempting to replay a game from the Go Weekly magazine, but soon he realized that for once he couldn't concentrate on it at all. Time crept by, so slowly he had to check if his watch wasn't somehow malfunctioning, but in the end it took him by surprise when his mother called to him to get ready.
He had started to think about what he would say to the doctor – what he wanted to say, and what he'd be able to say in the presence of his mother, and he wasn't sure of either. He was deep in his thoughts when his mother's voice woke him up, and suddenly his heart was beating fast and so hard he could feel it, and fear made his palms sweat.
"I… I'm coming!" he called back, but didn't yet move. I need to get up now, he told himself. Need to! The way I was pestering them to get this appointment… He forced himself to stand up. Did he need to take something with him? He thought a moment, but couldn't think of anything. What did one need at a doctor's appointment? Did the doctor have access to his medical records? Perhaps they should take along some papers… He started heading for the door, and then somehow the idea of the lipstick his mother had confiscated crossed his mind. He shook his head; what on earth was that about? Certainly not something he needed now.
"Do you have my medical records with you?" he asked his mother. She nodded, an absent-minded look in her eyes as she adjusted her hat watching herself in the mirror.
"Good." He bent to put his shoes on, and only then realized that his father was apparently joining them too. He paused, feeling the fear return. He had always gone to see doctor Akimoto together with his mother – it hadn't even crossed his mind father might be coming with them this time. Of course, that made only sense, and he probably should have thought of it. It wasn't going to make the meeting at all easier.
They all sat quietly through the whole way to the hospital where doctor Adachi worked. They walked in, his father talked to the lady at the reception, and they were immediately shown to the right room. That was good, Sai thought, for he knew his father hated waiting. And you think I'm impatient, he thought to himself, and tried not to smile at his thoughts.
Doctor Adachi turned out to be still a young man, most likely in his early thirties (and that, Sai thought, wasn't good, because his father regarded age and experience highly, especially in doctors). Nevertheless, they all exchanged polite greetings, and sat down. At first they just talked, quite superficially, about the situation. Sai's parents clearly didn't want to voice everything – in the end they just gave the doctor some papers to read. Sai watched them curiously, wondering if he had seen those papers and what was on them.
Finally the doctor lowered the papers on the table. "If I understood you correctly, you kept this as a secret?"
"As we were advised to," Sai's father replied levelly. "As the doctors explained, there really was no reason our son should have been burdened with the knowledge of being somehow 'different'. His... body is normal enough that there shouldn't be any complications..."
"But there are," Sai put in, muttering very quietly and staring at his hands.
"This," doctor Adachi said, leaning back, "is part of the trouble many intersexed people are facing today. It was quite common in the past days – and not unusual even today – to give such advice at the birth of a baby who did not fit in the normal definitions of male or female. But the truth is that secrecy is in the long run quite harmful, whereas honest, complete disclosure is good medicine. It is quite unlikely there would never be any, as you put it, complications. The child will, sooner or later, find out the truth, and it will, as you've seen, be a shock. If you think about it, it's perfectly understandable. Purely psychological. If you have all your life thought you know what you are, and then find out something completely new about yourself, it will be much harder to suddenly deal with it than if you had grown up with this thing. There will be fear and shame, and no child should be afraid of his own body, or ashamed of it."
"But that is just silly!" Sai's mother said with a small laugh. "Yes, I can understand the point, but Sadao," she patted her son's shoulder, "what reason would he have to fear..."
"You just don't get it!" Sai exclaimed. As his parents turned to look at him, he lowered his eyes to his lap, sitting very still, unwilling to look at anyone. "I don't... I don't know my body. I don't know... what's going on with it. It's... weird, and it is scary."
"The changes the human body goes through during puberty can be frightening for any teenager. But there is no reason for you to worry." He gave Sai a slow, kind smile. "We shall help you to figure things out, to come into understanding with yourself. It is a long process, but acknowledging there are issues is the first step; now we can deal with them."
There was a long silence, during which Sai's mother watched her son worriedly, while his father stared at the doctor with a frown.
"Doctor Akimoto was talking about the possibility of androgen therapy at our last appointment," she said quietly.
"He was?" Sai looked at her in surprise. "Is that what you were talking about? Why didn't you tell me?"
She sighed, her hand touching her temple. "Because I was still thinking about it. How to tell it. What to tell. I don't know. I don't like the idea of such, such hormone treatments. It feels like messing up with a perfectly healthy body..."
"Perfectly healthy? Whose body is that...?" Sai muttered quietly.
"Not messing up, fixing," his father stated strongly. "And if it is as Akimoto-sensei said, that our son's puberty is late because of his condition, surely there is no question of what must be done. Luckily we live in a time when we can do something. Modern medicine truly can work miracles, and we should be thankful of that."
"And what do you think?" Adachi had been carefully watching Sai's face during his father's little speech. "If you were to start androgen therapy, it would mean your body starts masculinizing. There are the normal changes of puberty: voice deepening, growth of muscles and skeleton, and of genitals, as well as the growth of body hair. Of course, there is no hurry with this. You are only fourteen. The therapy can be started later, at any time you want."
Sai listened quietly as he spoke, saying nothing. His mother watched him expectantly. "Sadao?" she asked. "Don't you have anything to say?"
"It sounds to me that sooner or later you will need to start the therapy," his father put in as he remained quiet. "What else could you do? If you want your body to develop normally."
"If you have any hesitation over this at all," Adachi said, as Sai stayed quiet, watching his hands, "you can say it. In fact, you must say it. Your body isn't just some kind of a robot that can be reprogrammed this way and that. If we start the therapy, we should continue with it. I'm not saying you couldn't change your mind later, but modifying your body first into one direction and then to another would hardly be wise. So, if you, by any chance, would not want the therapy, or possibly would want to proceed to the opposite direction—"
"What on earth do you mean by the "opposite direction"?" Sai's father cut him off sharply.
"I'm mainly talking about gender identity," Adachi replied, meeting his gaze. "You keep on talking of your 'son'." He turned to look at Sai. "Is this how you see yourself? I know, this is a big question, one we can't expect you to answer right on the spot. But it is one you must think about carefully."
"Now wait a minute!" Sai's father was practically glaring at him. "What are you saying? Do you think he is in fact a girl or something? That is just ridiculous!"
"I don't think anything," the doctor replied, still looking at Sai. "I'm merely asking him what he thinks. But you must remember that just because you're intersex doesn't mean that you couldn't still be a boy. Part of the confusion you might be feeling could very well rise from the idea that because of your condition, you can't be really a boy, and you should get rid of that notion. Say, before you found out about this, did you ever have any doubts?"
Sai closed his eyes, still quiet, and suddenly hoping very, very much they had never come there.
"Perhaps," doctor Adachi said quietly as the silence prolonged, "you should take your time thinking about this. As I said, there is no hurry with this. I can also recommend you a good therapist to talk with."
...
In the evening Touya called him.
"I just wanted to ask if you're coming tomorrow," the boy said, and Sai blinked. Tomorrow. Thursday. The study session.
"I… think I'm still grounded," he said, hesitating. Most likely he was – they had said 'until further notice,' anyway. He thought about asking – and decided not to. He didn't feel like he was up to socializing right now.
"How are you?" Touya asked, and Sai fell quiet. What could he say to that? Confused? Scared? Really not wanting to deal with it all?
"I'm okay," he said quietly. There was a moment's silence at the other end.
"Let me know when we can meet again," Touya said then. "I miss playing with you."
"Yeah." A small smile tugged his lips. "I miss playing with you too." And with Hikaru and Akari and everyone at the go club. He closed his eyes and dreamed of those happy, carefree days when he knew nothing about this.
"…so let me know if anything happens, okay?" Touya was saying and he blinked, realizing he hadn't been listening.
"Yes, of course."
They ended the call, and he wondered if he should have mentioned visiting the doctor.
...
"So, how did it go?" Hikaru asked him the next day during a break.
"I don't know," Sai answered after a moment's silence. "It's… complicated."
Hikaru nodded, an understanding look on his face, and Sai suppressed an annoyed sigh. You think you understand? How could you?
The meeting with the doctor had not ended in agreement. Afterward his father had been angry and not hiding it, and his mother seemed constantly worried. They both agreed, though, that they didn't need this new doctor, that doctor Akimoto could very well give them all consultation and write all prescriptions that would be needed.
Sai leaned against the wall, staring at the ground, completely absorbed in his own thoughts, and only after a long while he realized he had completely forgotten Hikaru who was standing by him in awkward silence.
He glanced up at his friend. "It's complicated," he repeated, not knowing what else to say. Then, thankfully, the break ended and they went inside.
A/N: It's a bit hard to get a clear answer to how common intersex is, cause people don't seem to quite agree on what counts and what doesn't. One estimation is as high as 1.7%, but according to one study, if we count only "those conditions in which chromosomal sex is inconsistent with phenotypic sex, or in which the phenotype is not classifiable as either male or female," the percentage would be 0.018%. That's what I used here. I'm not too good in math, I hope I got my numbers right in the fic. As Tokyo has over 9 million population, even with a small percentage like that you get quite a crowd.
...
It just struck me I never said anything about where I got the idea for Sai being intersex. I mean, ok, maybe it is kind obvious, but ultimately it's all about his hair... which is utterly historically inaccurate. Okay, I get it, he's an anime character and could have rainbow-colored hair that sprouts into every direction, but still... women in Heian period had long hair like that, not men. Then I started wondering whether there'd be any plausible explanation for a Heian man to have such hair, and I happened to think of intersex. I've no idea what people back then would have thought of someone who doesn't physically fit into the male/female dichotomy (who knows, maybe they would have been special people with magical capabilities or something such), but perhaps a child like that would have been raised as a girl (safest so) and then, when he's older he'd declare that he's actually a guy, and... perhaps be sort of allowed to switch genders? But still kept the hair because he's... different?
Hah, this is just me theorizing without any basis. But it seems that people had more open attitudes about gender issues back them. For example, a story called Changelings was written back then, and it's about a man with a girly son and tomboy daughter, who switched them and raised the girl as a boy (who even marries as a man) and the boy as a girl. Spoiler warning, they do switch back at the end. I just find it quite interesting that even though this story was criticized as completely immoral, it was only hundreds of years later. back then, people were mainly shocked about stuff like the girl menstruating (as a man) at unsuitable places. (And I just came across these google docs where someone's scanned the whole book in English translation! Check this fic on AO3 for a link, can't put one here.)
Anyway, then I got the urge to write about Sai as intersexed, and cause I had just recently finished my huge Heian age fic about his life, I decided to place this in modern times. I did once write a oneshot about intersex Sai in the Heian period, though: A Letter Home.