FIVE

The only reason she hadn't started crying last night was because Frohike, Langly, and Byers were there. Though, by the looks of contrite pity on their faces, she might as well have been. Mulder had callously told her that the Gunmen would give her a ride home and she should take the night to put her head on straight.

So, instead of having a heart-to-heart with her partner, she sat in the back of the Gunmen's van next to Langly who wordlessly handed her a tissue when it became too much for him.

The whole night she stewed over what she could say to Mulder to get him to believe her, and she'd managed to convince him to let her drive him to Spender's office, only to yet again be met with an angry, brooding Mulder who could barely look at her.

The whole car ride back was filled with uncomfortable tension as he only replied to her with one word statements and non-committal grunts. When she pulled up to his building, he barely said goodbye before slamming the car door and rushing into his building with anger in every step.

Scully knew he wanted her to drive away, he'd made it abundantly clear he'd made his mind up about this issue: she was stupid and risked her life for nothing. There wasn't a single thing she could say that would sway him. The entire time she was with Spender, she'd thought of him - missing him, finally realizing the impetus behind why he'd risked his own life in these very situations before.

Now she was back empty handed and the only person who could make her feel better couldn't stand the sight of her.

She couldn't let this go on, and before she knew it, she was standing outside his door knocking. "Mulder, I know you're in there, let me in!"

The door swung open and she was met with his tired stare. "What? Did you remember he promised you the solution to world hunger too?" he asked, not even trying to keep the contempt out of his voice.

"Don't do this to me." She'd meant it to come out a stern warning, but her voice trembled and she could hear the tightness in her throat.

Finally, he really looked in her eyes and she saw a flicker of sadness pass though his gaze. With a sigh, he took a step back and opened the door wider, beckoning her in. As soon as she stepped inside, she hung her coat up on the billiard-ball coat rack he had, making her intentions of staying perfectly clear.

While she'd anticipated having to lead the conversation, Mulder surprised her by breaking the silence. "You showed up here last night after days of being missing without a word."

"I told you, I sent a message through Skinner. I tried to send you a recording. I-" she started firmly, getting interrupted by him in the process of defending herself.

He took a step forward and bent down ever so slightly to be closer to his height, "I thought you were dead. I thought you might've been abducted, or that you were dead in a ditch. You seem to be putting a lot of effort into making sure I know you were justified in your actions with little regard to how that affected the people who care about you."

Her breathing hitched at his last sentiment, but it was quickly overtaken by fury. "You're one to talk! How many times have you run off by yourself and I don't even get the decency of a note."

"You told Skinner you were fine, I've heard you say that goddamned word enough to know that means nothing. You were fine after your abduction, you were fine when you had cancer, for all I knew you could have just been shot and you'd still claim you were fine," he snapped.

"What should have I said? 'Oh, Mulder, Spender's being wonderful?' Would that have been better? Lying?" she replied sarcastically.

"Would that have been a lie?" he replied, crossing his hands over his chest.

Her brows furrowed at him in disbelief. "Was me telling you that you were right and I had been in danger while I was with him not clear enough?"

"You said other people were putting you in danger, not Spender. Did he hurt you?" he asked, for the first time since she'd been back, the wall of resentment starting to crack and give way to the worry that had been at the root of his anger.

She felt her mouth fall open awkwardly as she tried to think of what to say to avoid setting him off again. "N-no, I-" she stammered lamely.

Mulder's brows furrowed as his jaw clenched, his eyes full of unspoken fear as he saw right through her facade of strength. "Scully, what did he do?"

Scully rolled her eyes and bit the inside of her cheek in an attempt to hold back the tears threatening to well up in her eyes. She hadn't wanted to have this conversation right now as she was still trying to process it herself. "Um, I think he drugged me. One minute I was in the car with him and the next I was waking up on a bed in the guest room of his cabin," she admitted in a whisper.

The room was silent and tense and when she looked up beneath her lashes she saw Mulder was clearly having as much of a hard time processing what she said as she did. "Did he touch you?" he replied lowly.

"My bra and underwear were still on," she stated, not that it was hard evidence. "But I really don't think he did. I'm not sore, so um-I don't feel like he did anything… like that," she replied awkwardly.

"Oh, Scully," he sighed, drawing her into his arms so he could hug her tightly.

For the first time in days, she finally felt comfortable again, and she breathed in his scent appreciatively as her cheek rubbed against the cotton of his sweater. "I didn't mean to make you feel worse than I'm sure you already do," he murmured into the crown of her head, pressing his lips against her hair in a prolonged kiss.

"I was always thinking of you, Mulder. You have to believe me. I didn't think I was doing anything you wouldn't do if the situations were reversed," she murmured.

"I didn't know where you were," he replied, sounding like a scared child. He tightened his grip around her and guilt started gnawing at her heart. This was a man who'd experienced more loved ones going missing than most people ever hear of. She knew how much her abduction had an impact on him, she could only imagine the fear he felt thinking it had, or was about to, happen again.

"That's why I tried to contact you any time I could. I remembered how I felt all the times I knew you were in danger without me," she replied, leaning away so she could look up at him, her arms still lightly wrapped around him.

He looked pensive at her comment, and she was just about to ask him why when he said, "You didn't want to talk to me."

"Yes I did," she replied, a surge of irritation welling back up. "All I wanted to do was talk to you. I went to your apartment as soon as I could. You were the one who-"

"No," he interrupted, shaking his head. He lifted a hand up and brushed her hair back so her face wasn't obscured. "When you talked to Skinner. He tried to hand me the phone and you refused."

"Spender was right next to me," she replied as if it was answer enough.

Mulder raised his eyebrows a bit as if to say, "And?"

Truth be told, she was pretty sure she might've cried if she heard his voice. She had been so anxious, she didn't think she could take hearing the worry in his voice. "I didn't want him to hear me talk to you," she offered before deciding he deserved honesty. Licking her lips, she whispered, "If I had heard your voice, I'm not sure I would have been able to keep going with him, and in the moment I was certain I was making the right choice."

Mulder regarded her with so much tenderness, such a stark contrast to how he'd been last night, she felt her heart start to hammer in her chest. "You're my everything, I can't lose you," he admitted. "When you're missing it feels like the world becomes cruel and unforgiving. I can't take it."

Scully was stunned at his honesty and felt frozen by the weight of the sentiments. "I'm sorry for what I put you through," she replied, reaching a hand up and stroking his cheek.

This moment felt important. Emotions were high, he was holding her with so much affection she felt like her skin was burning, they were both dancing around admitting the truth that had been between them for too long - but she didn't want such an important part of their relationship to stem from what Spender had done.

"Scully, I-" he started, stopping when he watched her close her eyes.

"I don't want what Spender did to impact our relationship," she admitted, hoping her double meaning was clear.

Don't be mad at me.

Don't let Spender be the reason you say anything you can't take back.

He nodded, their unspoken communication honed from seven years of experience making him fluent in the unsaid. He released his hold on her and she looked at her watch unnecessarily.

"I-I'm running late. I should go," she murmured.

She knew Mulder knew that wasn't true, but he let her go anyway.

He knew the truth would come out soon enough.