Chapter 5: A Grim Guardian
The two weeks at the ocean flowed like sand between his fingers, rushing away before he could grasp on.
He spent his days in the sun, soaking in the warmth. He spent his nights with George, sharing stories in whispers cloaked by darkness. He dueled with Sirius and Remus, growing stronger by the day. He spent hours in flight, wings skimming along the edge of the sky.
For the first time in years, Harry could breathe freely. He could forget about grief, he could forget about fear, he could forget about Voldemort.
Like all good things, it came to an end far too quickly.
Before Harry knew it, he was back at Grimmauld Place, facing a world darkened by war. He could no longer pretend that he was a normal teenager. He could no longer keep his fears at bay.
In the two days since they'd returned, his nightmares had grown worse than ever before, filling his nights with restlessness and terror. George was no longer there to drive them away.
It was one thing to sneak into each other's rooms when only a door separated them. It was quite another to try it when several floors and a rather indiscreet twin brother lay between them.
Mrs. Weasley may have endorsed them sharing a floor, but she certainly wouldn't endorse them sharing a bed. It didn't matter that nothing more than sleeping happened.
Harry desperately missed George's presence. He hadn't realized quite how much the other boy was helping him. Without him there, every negative emotion felt ten times larger, crushing him slowly.
Tonight was particularly bad. He'd woken up three times already, startled awake by violent visions of melted flesh and death.
It was barely five in the morning, but Harry had no intention of going back to sleep. He was buzzing with energy, exhausted but unable to stay still.
He was restless and jittery, magic flickering beneath his skin. It'd been acting up since that day on Privet Drive, flaring within him, desperate to be let out. He'd barely noticed it at the time, too distracted by the horror of watching the last of his family die. He couldn't ignore it anymore. It'd gotten better while he was at the beach, but it was worse than ever now, burning beneath his skin like a dull flame. In the last two days, it had gotten so bad that he felt always on the verge of accidental magic, struggling to contain his power.
He didn't know what it meant. He'd never heard of magic acting like this before.
He was tempted to tell Sirius, but something stopped him. He didn't want to be a burden.
Sirius had officially gained guardianship of him a few days ago, signing papers and filing them with the Ministry. Harry thought he would be happy to have an official guardian, a parental figure, a real home.
He wasn't.
Instead, there was a twisting fear in his stomach, a pernicious voice in his head, a reminder that his previous guardians had hated him. He'd been a burden to them, an unwanted nuisance. What if Sirius felt the same way? What if there was something about him that made people stop liking him once he was their responsibility?
What if Sirius got tired of him?
What if he didn't really want Harry at all?
The questions kept coming, gnawing at him every time he was with Sirius, sowing seeds of doubt deeper and deeper.
Harry resolved to cause as little trouble as possible. If he kept his head down and didn't complain, maybe everything would be fine.
He was regressing. Harry knew that. He was reverting to how he'd acted early in his life at Number 4, back when he'd still had hope of being loved. He'd done chores before he was asked, tried to be polite, smiled even when he was hungry and exhausted. He was doing the same thing with Sirius, playing the role of happy, obedient teenager.
He didn't even fully understand why he was doing it.
Perhaps it was because he didn't think he could handle the hurt of being pushed away from Sirius. At least this way, he was only a shell of his real self. No one could hurt him if he wasn't really himself. Right?
He could tell that Sirius had noticed, seeing the strange looks the man shot his way. He knew he was probably acting far too happy for a person who'd been tortured, possessed, and lost his entire family in the past two months.
Merlin, he was an idiot.
Harry pushed back the sheets, sliding out of bed. The floor was freezing under his bare feet, grounding him. He dressed silently, creeping up to the attic, holding his breath as he went.
Once inside, he released the breath with a grateful sigh, thankful for the silencing spells Mad-Eye had added to the dueling room.
He turned to one of the practice dummies, setting it to fire an endless stream of Stinging Hexes at him. He needed to practice extending his shield beyond himself. If he'd been able to do that at Privet Drive…
Harry shook his head. He wasn't going to think about that. He'd been doing his best to not feel anything when it came to the Dursleys, shoving his fear and grief into the darkest depths of his mind, struggling to keep them there.
Brushing away the dangerous emotions, he channeled all his power into the universal shield, watching as it flickered into existence around him. His magic sang, rushing through his blood, flowing down his arm.
It felt so good to use magic. It numbed all his emotions, drowning them out with the beautiful music that was his magic. It made him feel disconnected. Free. He focused, expanding the shield into the room, watching it grow bigger.
"Come on," he muttered, struggling to push the shield to the walls of the room.
"Come on."
The shield was flickering, magic sputtering and fizzling, crackling across the shield.
No. He wasn't going to accept defeat. He could do this.
He pushed harder, pouring every bit of his magic down his arm. The shield was just inches from the walls. Just a little bit further...
"COME ON!" he shouted, giving one final push, sending all his power into his wand.
The shield flickered out of existence as his magic exploded into the room, ripping toward the walls, smashing the windows, cracking the beams. Shockwaves rippled through the floor, splintering the wood beneath his feet. The Spells on the room dissolved, crumpling under the destruction he'd caused.
He could hear panicked shouts from downstairs, footsteps pounding up the steps.
Harry just stood there, frozen, gaping at the broken glass and shredded plaster.
What had just happened?
"Harry?"
Remus had reached the room first, staring in horror at the destruction.
"What…?"
"Sweet Merlin," Mr. Weasley said, appearing just behind Remus.
"What happened?"
"I don't...I…"
Remus noticed his distress, pulling him out of the room.
"It's alright, Harry. Arthur can take care of it. It'll just take a bit of simple Spell-work."
Harry let himself be dragged downstairs, trying not to look at the other people on the steps.
He had no idea what had just happened.
Remus made him a cup of tea, pressing it into his shaking hands. The others slowly joined them, starting the day earlier than usual due to the disturbance.
After nearly 15 minutes, Sirius entered with Bill, a somber look on his normally happy face.
Harry didn't meet his eyes. Was Sirius angry? Was he going to yell at him for destroying the attic?
"Harry, Remus," Sirius said, waving a hand at them.
"Come into the sitting room for a minute."
Harry stood, trying to still the pounding of his heart. Was Sirius going to kick him out? Was he going to…?
"Calm down, Harry," Remus said quietly, laying a hand on his shoulder.
"Everything is fine."
Remus kept his hand on Harry's shoulder, steering him into the sitting room and gently pushing him onto the sofa beside Sirius. Harry avoided making eye contact with his godfather, staring hard at the floor.
"Bill has a theory about what caused the...um...incident upstairs," Sirius said slowly, voice tense.
Bill sighed.
"I have a suspicion. I just need to ask you a few questions, Harry. Has your magic been feeling odd lately?"
Harry nodded, keeping his eyes fixed on the carpet.
"When did it start?"
"Um...the day of the attack on Privet Drive," Harry said slowly, wondering what Bill knew.
"Fascinating," Bill whispered, looking almost awed.
"And you've always had rather explosive accidental magic, correct?"
Harry nodded again, wariness rising.
"What is it?" he croaked, wanting an answer.
"What's wrong with me?"
"Nothing's wrong with you, Harry," Sirius said, laying a hand on his shoulder.
Bill leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees.
"Wards are strange things, Harry. The one around your Aunt's house was tied to your blood and to your magic. That's a very unusual thing. In fact, it's never been done with an infant. You're a very unique case."
"I don't understand…"
"I believe that the Blood Protection changed your magic."
Harry stared at him.
"What? How?"
Bill met Harry's eyes, smiling reassuringly at him.
"It's nothing bad, Harry. It's just that your mother's sacrifice was with you when your magic was developing. Your magic grew around it, shaping itself to fit with the type of emotional magic used to make the Ward."
Harry still didn't really get it.
Bill seemed to notice his confusion, continuing his explanation.
"Normally, a child's magic develops with no internal interference. There may be magic in their environment, but it's never directly interacting with their magic. This allows a child's magic to grow freely, naturally. That didn't happen with you. You've had a strong magical protection tangled with your magic since the beginning. It's changed the way your magic operates. Think of it like how a plant can be made to grow around a stick, deviating from its natural state. Your magic has been forced to develop in a similar way. Specifically, I think your magic has a far greater emotional component than is typical."
"What does that mean?" Harry asked, still unsure.
"It means that your emotions affect your magic more than they would in a normal Wizard. Your magic is drawn to that sort of emotional magic, drawn out by feelings. It explains your strong accidental magic and your affinity for emotion-based Spells like the Patronus Charm."
Remus leaned forward, eyes bright.
"That explains what happened at the Ministry. You were terrified for Sirius, and your magic exploded outward. That level of destruction isn't normal for simple accidental magic."
"Yes," Bill said, nodding.
"That would explain it."
"It also explains your Spell Sensing, Harry," Remus said, clearly struggling to hide his excitement.
He really was a scholar at heart.
"You hear magic as music, correct?"
Harry nodded.
"And there are emotional components to it, right?"
Another nod.
"That must be because of the Ward. You experience magic on a more emotional level than other Wizards. That's why you hear the magic rather than see it."
"But…" Harry began, still not fully understanding.
"Why is it getting worse?"
Bill's expression turned serious.
"Three reasons, I think. First, the Blood Protection is gone. Your magic is reeling from the loss, trying to settle itself. The second is your connection with You-Know-Who. He's getting stronger, and the connection between you is getting stronger as well. That's likely affecting your magic. The final reason... "
Bill trailed off, looking nervous.
"Your magic responds to emotions, Harry. It may lash out more when you try to uh...repress...those emotions."
Oh.
"How do I…" Harry started, trying to hide the slight shake in his voice.
"How do I control it?"
Sirius tightened his grip on Harry's shoulder a bit, offering comfort.
"We'll have to work on it. Now that we know what's going on, we can focus on channeling the emotion into your magic rather than letting it interfere. We'll practice with some simple Spells. I have no doubt that you'll get the hang of it. As for the emotions…"
Sirius sighed.
"You need to let yourself feel them. All of them, Harry. Especially the ones you've been trying to hide in the past few days."
Harry hung his head, staring back at the floor.
"Can I...can I be alone for a bit?" he asked, rising to his feet.
"I just...I need to…"
Harry walked quickly from the room, climbing the stairs to his bedroom. He kicked off his trainers and flopped onto his bed, staring at the ceiling.
He wasn't repressing his emotions….not really. He just didn't want to feel them. That wasn't the same thing.
"Harry."
Sirius' voice came from his doorway, carrying toward him. Harry felt a weight settle on his bed, mattress sinking down.
"You've gotta tell me what's going on, kid. You've been acting very distant these past few days. What's wrong?"
Harry sat up, shifting to sit next to Sirius on the edge of the bed.
"Is it the guardianship?" Sirius asked suddenly, face falling.
"Because if you're not happy, we can…"
Harry shook his head.
"It's not that. I'm happy about it, Sirius. I just…"
Harry trailed off, unsure of how to say this.
"You just what?"
Harry drew in a deep breath, gathering his courage.
"I thought maybe you didn't want it."
Sirius stared at him, eyes wide.
"You thought…"
He shook his head.
"Harry, I've been wanting to do this for years. I love you, kid. I'm not just taking guardianship of you because your parents wanted me to. I WANT to do it. You're…"
Sirius sighed, running a hand through his dark hair.
"You're the closest thing I'm ever going to have to a son, Harry. And I wouldn't trade you for a biological kid any day. You're the kindest, bravest, best person I've ever met, and I WANT to take care of you. Forever. You're not a burden, and you're not an inconvenience. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me."
Harry felt tears starting to well up in his eyes, threatening to fall. Sirius saw them, smiling gently at Harry.
"I'm being totally sincere, Harry. I'm in this for the long haul. And I…"
Sirius shifted, suddenly looking very nervous.
"There's something I wanted to ask you. You don't have to give me an answer. Just think about it."
Sirius drew in a deep breath, wringing his hands slightly.
"I want...I want to adopt you, Harry. If you'll have me, of course."
Harry stared at him, feeling as if his heart was melting.
"I could never replace James, of course. He'll always be your father. And you'll always be a Potter. I just want to…"
He trailed off, noticing Harry's shocked expression.
"You don't have to say yes. There's no pressure. And if you don't want to…"
Harry choked out a laugh, trying very hard not to cry.
"Of course I want to, Sirius. I just…why?"
Sirius furrowed his brow.
"Why what?"
"Why me?" he asked, voice shaking.
"Why would you want…?"
Harry was cut off as Sirius pulled him into a hug.
"Stop that. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their lives, Harry. I'm just snatching you up before anyone else can try."
Sirius pulled back, ruffling Harry's hair, worsening its state of disaster.
"No more of the self-hatred, Harry. You are amazing, and I'm not going to let you be mean to my godson, okay?"
Harry laughed, feeling a bit better.
"So...did I hear a yes in there somewhere?" Sirius asked, still looking a little anxious.
Harry nodded.
"Yes. I want you to adopt me. I really, really want you to."
The words felt strange in his mouth, foreign but true.
"Excellent!" Sirius said, grinning broadly.
"I was thinking we'd do it over Christmas. There's just too much stuff to do before you lot go back to Hogwarts. I don't want to rush this. I have planning to do. It'll be the celebration of the century!"
His face turned serious as he turned back to Harry.
"I'm really glad you said yes, Harry. Really glad. But, there's something else I wanted to talk to you about."
Sirius' expression grew even more stern, gray eyes clouding over.
"We need to talk about the nightmares you've been having. I know that George was helping you with them..."
Harry felt a blush rising on his cheeks.
"I'm not nearly as oblivious as Mrs. Weasley," he said, chuckling.
Harry blushed harder.
"I'm glad he's helped you, but he can't be the solution to everything. You still need to heal. And that's not going to happen if you don't deal with what happened."
Harry looked down, knowing Sirius was right. He'd been using George to drive away the grief and guilt, but he hadn't been working through any of it.
"I want you to go talk to someone whenever you're feeling low. I know it's not natural for you, but you really need to try, Harry. Isolating yourself might feel safe, but it's not going to help you in the long run. I also want you to see a Healer."
"A Healer?" Harry asked incredulously.
"Why?"
"There are alternatives to Dreamless Sleep. You might benefit from one. It also can't hurt to get you looked over. Just to make sure everything is alright."
Harry nodded. A sleeping aid would be amazing. He knew that if he could get his sleep under control, everything else would feel better too.
"But...how can I meet with one? Is it even safe to leave the house?"
"We've got a Healer in the Order. Ted Tonks. He's coming over this morning."
"THIS morning?"
"Yeah, kid," Sirius said, standing up.
"I scheduled it a week ago. I figured you would need to see him."
Sirius extended his arm, pulling Harry to his feet.
"Call it a godfather's intuition. Besides, I thought we should get it out of the way. Hermione's arriving this afternoon…"
"I totally forgot about that!" Harry exclaimed, excited to see his friend.
He'd missed Hermione terribly over the past months. She had a comforting presence that even Ron couldn't quite match, always managing to remind him of the good things in his life. She gave the best advice, always knowing what to say, always knowing exactly how to say it.
He was overjoyed that he would soon be seeing her, having no doubt that she would help him quell the dark thoughts lingering just at the edge of his mind.
Harry followed Sirius down to breakfast, shoveling food into his mouth at a speed nearly rivaling Ron's own. He'd expended a tremendous amount of energy in the dueling room, and he had the hunger to show for it.
Ted Tonks arrived soon after he'd finished eating, smiling kindly at him. Harry followed him into the sitting room, twisting his hands nervously as he watched the Healer.
He'd never really interacted with doctors before. He'd certainly never had a check-up. He usually only saw Healers when he was critically injured.
Healer Tonks seemed to sense his nervousness, offering him a warm smile.
"It's very nice to finally meet you, Harry. My daughter has told me all about you. She says you're rather good company."
Harry grinned a bit at that, wondering how many embarrassing things Tonks had told her father about him.
"Now, to start off, I'm going to cast a Diagnostic Charm. I want to get a sense of your overall physical and magical health."
Harry nodded, indicating that he understood. He felt the wave of magic from Healer Tonks' wand as it settled over him, tingling on the surface of his skin.
The Spell produced a piece of parchment, lines of text furling from the end of Healer Tonks' wand as if it was some sort of magical printer. The man read the parchment silently, brow creasing slightly as he took in the results.
"Hmmm…" he said, reaching for a notebook and a quill.
"Are you eating enough, son? You're a bit under where I'd like you to be…"
Harry cleared his throat awkwardly, unsure how to explain this.
"I...well...you see…"
Merlin, he was bad at talking.
"I spent the first month of summer with my relatives, and they didn't really like to, um, feed me?"
It came out like a question, his voice tinged with uncertainty.
"I see," Healer Tonks said slowly, jotting something down.
"Nymphadora mentioned something, but I didn't think…"
He turned back to Harry, offering him a reassuring smile.
"If that's the case, I'm not terribly worried about it. Just make sure you're eating a balanced diet. None of this candy for breakfast nonsense that my daughter sometimes tries to pull."
Harry laughed, picturing Tonks, a fully trained Auror, eating Licorice Wands at 6 in the morning.
"Other than that, you seem to be in fairly good health. Your magic is very strong if perhaps a bit...unwieldy."
Healer Tonks turned back to him, kindness in his eyes.
"Sirius told me quite a bit about what's been going on with you. He said that you've been struggling a bit recently. Specifically, he expressed to me that he's concerned with your sleep quality. Could you tell me about that?"
Harry drew in a calming breath, resolving to tell the truth. He wanted to fix this. He wanted to get better.
"I, well, I've been having trouble sleeping for a long time."
"How long?"
Harry thought about it.
"A little over a year?"
That seemed about right.
"I've had nightmares for as long as I can remember, but they got really bad after the end of my 4th year. Since then, I've had a lot of trouble falling asleep. Even when I do, I usually wake up a few hours later."
The man nodded, scrawling something down on his parchment.
"These nightmares, how often are they memories?"
Harry reflected, trying to estimate.
"They're usually partly a memory and partly normal nightmarish stuff. I do sometimes have dreams that are just repeats of things that have happened. I had them a lot right after what happened at the Department of Mysteries. Now they're more like...combinations of things that have happened."
Healer Tonks nodded again, looking pensive.
"And how much sleep would you say you're getting?"
"I think I normally get around 4 hours? Sometimes more, sometimes less. I've gone days without sleeping before, but that hasn't happened for a while. I was doing really well these past two weeks, probably managing 6 or 7 hours."
"What was different during those weeks?"
Harry felt himself blushing again.
"Healer-Patient confidentiality, kid. Lay it on me."
Harry grinned up at the man, reminded strongly of Tonks.
"I was...well...my, uh, boyfriend was with me. Um, at night."
Yikes. He really needed to get better at this. Right now, he was embarrassing himself and all his ancestors.
Healer Tonks was clearly trying not to laugh at him, eyes watering slightly as he took in Harry's bright red face.
"Understood. And since then?"
Harry sighed heavily, leaning into the sofa.
"It's gotten bad again. I only managed a few hours last night and the night before."
The Healer set down his quill, staring hard at Harry. He seemed to be contemplating something, examining Harry closely. At last, he came to a decision, nodding firmly.
"I think I have a solution for you. I wouldn't normally suggest it for someone so young, but considering the amount of trauma you've been through..."
He reached into his bag, pulling out a small vial. It was filled with clear liquid, indistinguishable from water but for the tiny sparkles floating in it. It was enchanting, drawing Harry's attention, pulling him in.
"This is called Elixir of Lethe. It's a very strange little sleeping Potion. It's not commonly used because it's a bit...dangerous."
Healer Tonks stood, moving to the door.
"I'm going to call Sirius in for this part. He should know what this Potion is. He may not agree to it. I wouldn't blame him if he didn't."
Harry waited awkwardly, picking at his fingernails. He hoped that Sirius would agree. He would do anything to sleep without dreams. If he could sleep through the night on a regular basis, his quality of life would improve tremendously. He might finally be happy, he might finally be normal.
Sirius and Healer Tonks entered the room, ending Harry's train of thought. His godfather settled down beside him, looking far calmer than Harry felt.
"Thanks for coming in, Sirius. I was just telling Harry about the Elixir of Lethe."
Sirius looked startled.
"You want him to take that? Isn't it a bit...strong?"
Healer Tonks nodded, expression serious.
"Yes. It is. But…"
He glanced at Harry.
"From what Harry's told me, and from what you've told me, Sirius, this may be our only option. He's been getting far too little sleep. At this rate, his mental health will only continue to deteriorate."
Sirius glanced at Harry, concern clear in his eyes.
"What will happen if he doesn't take it?" Sirius asked quietly.
"I can't know for sure, but chronic exhaustion will exacerbate all the things he's already dealing with. He needs to be able to get consistent sleep. Without that, we're probably looking at delayed emotional healing, low energy, depressed moods, erratic magic, and other potential complications."
Sirius sighed, rubbing a hand across his face.
"What exactly are the dangers of this Potion?"
Healer Tonks held up the bottle, twirling it slightly in his fingers.
"It's not addictive. At least, not in the traditional sense. It won't cause cravings, but it does have a sort of withdrawal effect once you stop taking it. That can be quite painful and even dangerous if left unchecked. I'll monitor Harry when he's ready to go off the Potion to make sure that doesn't happen. A big concern is the potential for overdose. You can only take one drop at a time. Any more than that can easily be lethal. The bottle is Charmed to only dispense one drop at a time, but it can be overridden if you try."
Sirius nodded.
"That sounds manageable. What else?"
"It does have some side effects. The Potion represses your memories while you're sleeping, effectively separating your life from your dreams. Once you take the Potion, you'll feel quite giddy for about 15 minutes. Then, you'll fall into an incredibly deep sleep. It'll make you nearly impossible to wake. You'll be out like a light for between 8 and 9 hours. It takes a bit of planning to make sure you don't oversleep. It's manageable though. You just have to make sure that you're in a safe environment when you take it."
Sirius nodded slowly, expression unreadable.
"How long do you think he would have to be on it?"
"It's hard to say. There are no long-term effects. It'll just depend on how he's handling things. We can re-evaluate in a few months."
"Okay," Sirius said.
"What about the other Potion he's on? The one that prevents him from being possessed?"
"All the ingredients are compatible. There shouldn't be any negative interactions."
Sirius stayed silent for a moment, clearly deep in thought.
"Okay," he said finally, looking up at Healer Tonks.
"I'm alright with him taking it. Security at Hogwarts has been massively increased, so I'm not concerned about him being hard to wake up. As for the overdose risk…"
Sirius glanced quickly at Harry.
"Perhaps we can work something out where Minerva is in possession of the Potion."
"I can handle it..."
Sirius held up a hand, cutting him off.
"It's just a precaution, Harry."
Harry knew it was pointless to protest further. Sirius would never back down on a matter of safety.
The appointment ended soon after that, leaving Harry with several hours to waste until Hermione was set to arrive. He spent the time in the library, struggling to make progress on his modified Stunner. He was happy that the Elixir of Lethe would help him sleep, but he knew that the reduced waking hours would mean less time to work.
He was trying to remember a modification he'd made just before the fire when George entered the library, coming to sit next to him.
"How was your meeting with Ted?" he asked, pulling a stack of parchment from his bag.
Harry recognized it immediately as the inventory list for the shop. The twins were planning to open in less than a week, and they'd been incredibly busy over the past few days.
"It was good," Harry said, smiling a bit.
"He gave me a Potion to help me sleep."
"What Potion?" George asked, curiosity sparkling in his brown eyes.
"Elixir of Lethe."
"Really?" George whispered, shocked.
"That's a serious Potion. Have things really been that bad for you?"
Harry shrugged.
"I don't know. It's been bad for a while. I just hope it works. I can't keep going like this."
"You seemed better the last few weeks," George said quietly.
"Right," Harry said, smiling at him.
"Only because you were there."
George's eyes grew soft at that, focusing on Harry's face for just a moment before he turned his attention back to the inventory.
They spent several hours like that, each focused on their own work. Harry loved these moments, loved the way they could simply exist together.
Time passed too quickly. Harry wasn't at all satisfied with the results of his work. He couldn't remember where he'd left off. He'd lost a month of work in that fire. A month that he couldn't get back. A month that might mean the difference between victory and defeat.
"Harry," George said, flicking a spare bit of parchment at him.
"It's time for lunch!"
Harry glared at George, wincing slightly as the balled-up parchment hit his nose.
"Fine," he grumbled, allowing George to pull him out of the library.
They'd almost reached the kitchen when they heard it: raised, angry voices.
"It has been long enough! You are coddling him, Black. He needs to protect his mind from the Dark Lord. This is not optional!"
Harry paused, putting a hand on George's arm to stop his descent. He wanted to hear this.
"It's not up to you, Snape," Sirius said cooly, voice tightly controlled.
"He is under my care. What he does outside Potions class is of no concern to you."
"Sirius."
Harry started, surprised to hear Dumbledore's voice.
"He must learn this. It's non-negotiable."
Sirius snorted.
"Well, I think it is negotiable, Albus. Frankly, neither of you have any claim on Harry. You've been capitalizing on his goodwill these past few years, taking advantage of the fact that he was living with abusive guardians who wouldn't step in to stop you."
George put a hand on Harry's shoulder, gripping tightly, face stony as he listened.
"You've put that kid through hell. He's too good to see it, but I'm not nearly so blind. In Third Year, you left him to deal with the Dementors on his own. If Remus hadn't been there, he would have been left to deal with the effects of that on his own. You can't stick abused or traumatized children near Dementors and expect them to be alright! You know this! Both of you!"
Sirius' voice was raised, angry, powerful.
"You let him compete in the Triwizard Tournament without offering him any help. He could easily have died. You could have at least given him some advice, some clue."
"Sirius, please…"
"And don't even get me started on this past year. First, you leave him in an abusive home, completely cut off from any emotional support. Do you have any idea what that does to a person? He needed help. He needed someone to help him work through what had just happened. Instead, he got nothing but disdain and silence. Then, you brought a monster into your school. A monster that literally tortured him for months! And none of you noticed! Did none of you think it was odd how much time he was spending with her?"
"Minerva did mention…"
"Yes! And you didn't listen! You relied on Harry to be resilient, to keep his head down and take more abuse. Just like you always have. Then, you guilt him into taking Occlumency lessons, once again relying on his goodness. You knew he wouldn't say no. You knew that if you framed it just right, he would happily agree to be tormented. You left him alone with a man who has demonstrated, time and time again, that he cannot be trusted to treat Harry in an acceptable manner."
"You have no idea what you're talking about, Black."
"Don't I?" Sirius asked.
"Minerva has told me everything. She explained how you treat him, how you insult James in front of him, how you belittle him. She's had to step in several times to stop you trying to expel or fail him. I'm grateful to you for making the Potions that help him, but I won't allow you to treat him badly anymore. He has someone in his corner now. I'm not going to let this go. I'll go to the Board of Governors if I have to."
"That won't be necessary, Sirius. Severus has warmed up to Harry quite a bit recently."
Sirius snorted again, clearly unconvinced.
"Excuse me for not trusting you, Albus. I've caught him looking at Harry like he wants to strangle him. That's not something I'm willing to let go. And I certainly won't allow you to mess with his mind. I've played nice because I didn't have a legal claim, and I didn't want to upset Harry by explaining to him just how little value you place on his well-being."
Harry flinched at the words. Was he really that naive? Had he really been manipulated?
"Sirius, I have always cared about Harry…"
"Have you? Because it sure doesn't look like it. You manipulate the kid, Albus. You take advantage of the lasting effects of abuse and neglect. He's been brought up to feel guilty for the smallest offenses, to handle things alone, to put others above himself even when it hurts him. You've built on that legacy, shaping him into a weapon that you can use whenever it suits. That stops now. He's not your weapon. He's a person. A person who is far better than any of us could ever hope to be. I'm not going to let you use him anymore."
Harry took an involuntary step back, hitting his leg on the railing.
"If you want him on missions with you, he must be accompanied by myself or Remus. Preferably both. Any and all academic decisions must be run through me, just as they would be for any other parent or guardian. He won't learn Occlumency until I say he can. Is that understood?"
"Sirius, it is imperative that he learn to block Voldemort from his mind."
"And Occlumency won't do that!" Sirius shouted, losing his temper completely.
"I don't know what you know, Albus. But I know that you are lying about this connection. It took Bill Weasley all of 10 minutes to figure out that it can't be a magical connection!"
George turned to look at Harry, confusion and shock on his face.
"Sirius, I cannot tell you..."
"Cannot or will not?"
Silence fell, tense and strained.
"He's not your pawn anymore. I'm not going to let you use him to win this war."
"He has a part to play…"
"Yes. But he gets to choose how to play it. You don't get to manipulate him into choosing the path you want. Harry would throw himself in front of the Killing Curse if he thought it would save a single life. You've been encouraging that kind of behavior for his whole life. It makes me think that you don't expect him to live through this. You want him at that perfect intersection of heroic and suicidal where he'll destroy himself to help you win."
Harry let out a shaky breath at that, stunned. Was that what was going on? Was that what Dumbledore had been doing?
"Well, I'm going to make sure that he walks away from this fight. Even if I have to go against you to do it. I'm not going to..."
Harry leaned forward, trying to catch the last of Sirius' words. He lost his balance, crashing down the last few steps, George unable to catch him in time.
At the sound, all three men appeared in the doorway to the kitchen, faces going pale as they realized that they'd had eavesdroppers.
"Listening at doors, are we?" Snape asked icily, voice dripping with disdain.
Harry ignored Snape, staring at Sirius, completely at a loss. Sirius stared back, eyes communicating that they would talk about this later.
"No," George said, trying to diffuse the situation.
"I was just staring into Harry's eyes. You know, as one does."
"He does have rather nice eyes," Sirius agreed, following George's lead.
"Although, they're slightly ruined by the hair if you ask me. He reminds me a bit of this ridiculous toy that Lily used to have. I think it was called a...gnome doll?"
"It's a troll doll, Sirius."
Harry recognized the voice immediately, turning to see Hermione standing in the hallway, Mr. Weasley following just behind her, carrying her trunk. In all the excitement, he hadn't heard her come in.
"And Harry does resemble one. Just a bit."
Harry couldn't even find it in himself to be offended. He was too happy to see Hermione. He raced down the stairs, completely ignoring Dumbledore and Snape. Hermione met him halfway, hugging him tightly.
"I'm so glad you're okay, Harry," she whispered.
"I'm so sorry about what happened to your relatives, but I'm really glad you're safe."
She pulled back from him, looking up at his face.
"When did you get so tall?" she asked, scrunching up her nose.
"You look like you've been stretched."
Harry grinned at her.
"Just wait until you see Ron. He's even worse."
Hermione rolled her eyes, clearly annoyed that her already tall boyfriend was now even taller.
"Well," Dumbledore said awkwardly, brushing past the two of them.
"I'll be off. Severus, I'll see you at the castle in a few hours. I believe it would be best if you returned early. I fear you may have overstayed your welcome."
With that, the Headmaster swept from the room, leaving Harry with nothing but jumbled thoughts.
He was so confused.
Hermione managed to distract him all through lunch, prattling on about her summer and how nervous she was to get their OWL results.
"They're really late this year!" she exclaimed, waving her hand emphatically.
"We're barely going to have time to complete our homework."
"You'll get your results tomorrow morning," Bill said, grinning wickedly at Hermione.
"I have it on good authority."
"Really?" Hermione squeaked, face going pale.
"Oh no...I'm sure that I've failed everything."
"Come off it, Hermione," Ron scoffed.
"You're the most brilliant student in our year. You have nothing to worry about. Besides, even if you did fail, it wouldn't make you any less amazing."
Hermione blushed scarlet, smiling shyly at Ron. Harry tried to hide his laughter, watching as his best friends stared dreamily into each other's eyes.
"Shut up, Harry," Ron said.
"You have no business laughing at people. You practically glow every time George so much as looks at you."
"Oi!" Harry said, throwing a slice of tomato at him.
"That's not true!"
Ron threw the slice of tomato back at Harry, hitting him on the forehead. The tomato stuck a bit, sliding slowly down Harry's face before plopping back onto his plate.
Only Mrs. Weasley's quick intervention stopped things from spiraling into a full-on food fight.
After lunch, Harry followed Sirius into the sitting room, George trailing behind him.
He wanted answers.
"How much of that did you two hear?" Sirius asked gently.
"Most of it," George said stiffly, still looking angry.
"Is that really what he's been doing? Has he really been manipulating Harry?"
Sirius sighed, glancing quickly at Harry.
"To a certain extent, yes."
Harry felt his heart drop.
"But I thought…I thought he actually cared…"
"He thinks he does, Harry. But Dumbledore doesn't know how to care for people. Not anymore. He's had far too much power for far too long. He doesn't understand how to see people as individuals anymore."
"But he told me that it's because of his sister…"
Sirius held up a hand, stopping Harry in his tracks.
"People can have good reasons for doing terrible things, Harry. That doesn't make those things right. Take me, for example. I had an excellent reason to go after Peter. I was angry. I was grieving. I wanted to stop him from hurting anyone else. But I was still wrong to do that. I was still wrong to leave you behind."
Harry shifted on the sofa, finally beginning to understand.
"It's the same with Snape," George said suddenly, looking hard at Sirius.
"One could argue that his hatred of Harry is understandable because of his relationship with Harry's Dad. But he's still wrong to act the way he does. Even if it makes a sort of sense."
Sirius nodded again, offering George a smile.
"Exactly. People are never just good or just bad, Harry. We're all a mess of history and emotion, doing what we think is best even when it's the worst possible thing. I don't want you to think that Dumbledore is evil. He isn't. He's an enormous asset to our cause. But just because he's an ally doesn't make him a friend. He's not your friend, Harry. If he was, he would have helped you a long time ago."
Harry felt something in him break, trust shattering.
"But I trusted him…" he said, hating how pathetic he sounded.
"I know," Sirius said quietly.
"Am I really that malleable? Am I really so messed up that people can just…"
Harry felt his magic flickering again, threatening to explode.
"No," Sirius said, shaking his head.
"That's not it at all. You are young, Harry. And you've had very little positive attention from adults. It's natural to want to earn their approval. Even when doing so hurts you."
"So, I'm just pathetic then? I can't believe...I let him send me back to Privet Drive. I let him leave me there. I just...what's wrong with me?" Harry asked, not quite understanding why this made him so angry.
A picture frame shattered on the wall, glass smashing onto the floor.
"Nothing," Sirius said, staring into Harry's eyes.
"Nothing. You're a very noble person, Harry. That's an admirable quality. It just gets you into trouble sometimes. But you have people who care about you. People who ACTUALLY care."
Harry smiled weakly, knowing it was true.
"Don't think about this too much, Harry," Sirius said gently.
"I'm not going to let you be manipulated anymore. Never again. Alright?"
Harry nodded, trusting Sirius. His godfather was one of a handful of people Harry would never doubt. Never.
...
Harry spent the rest of the afternoon with Sirius, working to control his magic. It was difficult but necessary. He couldn't afford any more outbursts.
"Focus on using the emotion, Harry," Sirius said, gesturing to the feather he'd coaxed away from Hedwig.
"Let it flow into the Spell. This is a whole aspect of your magic that you haven't been fully using. Let yourself use it."
Harry closed his eyes, concentrating hard on the feel of his magic. He'd always focused on channelling it down his arm, using a physical sensation to drive the magic.
What if he used emotion?
If Bill was right, then his magic would respond best to emotional channels, not the physical ones that worked for other Wizards.
He focused on the feather, thinking of how much he loved Hedwig. Closing his eyes, he channeled the love into his wand.
"Wingardium Leviosa."
"What the hell?" Sirius exclaimed.
Harry snapped his eyes open, looking to see what had provoked that reaction.
The feather was flying, but it was also glowing, golden light flickering in the air around it.
"That's a bit odd," Sirius said, moving forward.
"I'm not quite sure why that's happening. Maybe try again?"
Harry tried again. And again. He tried different Spells. He tried different emotions.
Each time, the Spell would work perfectly but for a strange gleaming light surrounding the object.
They gave up just before dinner, resolving to try again the next day.
"In class, you should probably stick to casting the usual way," Sirius said, startling Harry as he took a bite of shepherd's pie.
"I don't think we should advertise your weird magic."
"Gee thanks, Sirius," Harry muttered, feigning offense.
"Just telling the truth, kid. You've got weird, glowy, musical magic. Embrace it."
...
The rest of the evening was far from relaxing. Hermione was practically vibrating with nervous energy, dreading the OWL results. Her anxiety worsened Harry's own, making him even more scared for the next morning.
He knew that Sirius wasn't going to rescind the adoption offer if Harry got bad marks, but his stupid self-doubt was hardly a rational being.
He was very grateful that he was able to take the Elixir of Lethe that evening. Sirius made rather a production of the whole thing, making sure Harry was completely settled in bed before handing him the Potion. George was there as well, at Sirius' request. The man wanted to have a Potions expert there just in case something went wrong.
George had protested that he was still two years away from being a Potions Master, but Sirius ignored him, dragging him into Harry's room, conjuring a chair for him, and pushing him into it.
Sirius watched closely as Harry tilted the vial into his mouth, letting a single drop fall onto his tongue.
"Ted said that it should take about 15 minutes," Sirius said, taking the vial from Harry's fingers and stowing it safely in his pocket.
"That's right," George said, not taking his eyes off Harry.
"It also tends to cause odd behavior in those 15 minutes. Though what that entails is usually different for everyone."
George was still looking at him. Harry stared back, mesmerized by George's eyes.
"You have pretty eyes," he said, sinking down into his pillow.
"They're like hot chocolate, but like, they're actually eyes."
Harry heard a choked sound, turning his head to see Sirius shaking with silent laughter.
"Don't laugh, Sirius. You're supposed to be serious!"
Harry laughed at his own joke. He really was rather funny.
"Oh no," Sirius groaned.
"Anything but that pun. Please! It's far too obvious."
"You're far too obvious," Harry retorted.
"What does that even mean?"
"What do you even mean?"
"Merlin, he's turned into a child."
"You've turned into a child," Harry responded, smiling sweetly at Sirius.
"Be nice to your godfather, Harry," George chided.
"He's delicate."
"I am not!"
Harry laughed, staring at George again.
"You're funny," he said, words sounding foreign in his ears.
"I like you."
"I would certainly hope so," George muttered, still smiling.
"What?" Harry asked, forgetting what they'd been talking about.
He was suddenly very tired, eyes drifting shut.
"Nothing, Harry. Just go to sleep."
…
Harry woke the next morning feeling better than he'd felt in almost a year. The sun was shining on his face, waking him gently and naturally.
He sat up and promptly let out a shocked yell.
There was a dog at the foot of his bed. And not just any dog.
"SIRIUS!" he exclaimed, watching as the dog's eyes snapped open.
"What are you doing?"
Sirius did not respond. Instead, he pounced on Harry, pinning him to the bed and beginning to lick his face.
"EWWWWW!" Harry yelled, trying to push Sirius away.
"GET OFF!"
"Sirius, get off poor Harry."
His yelling had summoned Remus, who was now glaring sternly at Sirius.
"Now."
Sirius jumped off the bed, transforming mid-air to land on his feet.
"Fine. I was just making sure the kid didn't die of poisoning in his sleep."
Remus shook his head in fond exasperation, looking past Sirius to smile at Harry.
"Hurry downstairs. Results have just arrived, and Hermione is refusing to open them without you."
Harry rushed to get ready, racing downstairs. He was desperate to see his results.
The kitchen was full, bursting with Weasleys. Hermione was pale-faced and shaking, clutching an envelope in her hands. Ron also looked pale, glancing at his envelope like it was about to attack him.
Fred and George were also sporting envelopes, but they were attempting to fold theirs into paper aeroplanes.
"Harry!" Hermione exclaimed, catching sight of him as he entered the room.
"They're here! They're here!"
She pressed an envelope into his hands, nearly giving him a paper cut as she shoved it at him. She pulled him into the seat beside her, bouncing up and down.
"I'm so nervous!" she said, biting her lip.
"Don't be, Hermione," Percy said soothingly, adjusting his glasses.
"You'll be fine."
"On three?" Ron asked, looking a bit green.
"On three," Harry agreed.
"1...2...3…"
Harry tore open the envelope, quickly skimming the information from the Ministry. He didn't care about that. He just wanted to see his results.
Harry James Potter has achieved:
Ancient Runes: O
Arithmancy: O
Astronomy: E
Care of Magical Creatures: O
Charms: O
Defense Against the Dark Arts: O
Divination: O
Herbology: O
History of Magic: O
Potions: O
Transfiguration: O
Harry just stared, feeling a grin split his face. His hard work had paid off. He wasn't even disappointed by the Exceeds Expectations in Astronomy. He'd been expecting a Poor.
"Let me see," Sirius said, plucking the letter from Harry's hands.
He read quickly, eyes sparkling.
"These are incredible, Harry," he said.
"I'm really proud of you."
Harry beamed up at him, practically glowing.
"How'd you do, Hermione?" Harry asked, glancing at his friend.
She smiled at him.
"All Outstandings. Except for Defense. I got an E."
"Well done, Hermione!" Bill said, smiling at her.
"That's fantastic."
"What about you, Ron?" Remus asked, glancing at Ron.
Ron was staring at his parchment, face white.
"I don't...I'm not…"
Mrs. Weasley took the letter from him, scanning it quickly.
"Oh, Ron!" she said, eyes filling with tears.
"Nothing lower than an Exceeds Expectations! This is incredible!"
Ron blushed brightly, looking down at the table.
"It's just because of the Dicta-Quill Harry got me. It made everything so much easier."
Before Harry could respond, Mrs. Weasley bustled over to him, hugging him tightly in thanks.
"What about you, Harry?" Hermione asked excitedly.
"All Outstandings but for an E in Astronomy," Sirius boasted proudly, laying a hand on Harry's shoulder.
"Congratulations!" Hermione squealed, bouncing in her seat again.
"What about you two?" she asked, turning to the twins.
"Nothing special," Fred said slyly.
"Just all Outstandings."
"Both of you?" Mrs. Weasley said, stunned.
"Yep."
"To be fair though," George said.
"We only took 4 apiece. It's not really that impressive."
Mrs. Weasley didn't seem to care. She was crying heavily, smiling at her sons. She immediately began preparing a cake, oblivious to the protests from her children.
"I'm so proud," she sobbed, wiping at her eyes.
"Of all of you."
Breakfast was a joyous affair, full of laughter and congratulations. After the meal, Sirius pulled Harry aside, telling him to wait in the kitchen.
"I have something for you."
Harry sat at the table with Remus, wondering what on earth Sirius could have to give him. He'd already given him everything.
When Sirius returned with a long, broom-shaped package, Harry almost had a heart attack.
"Sirius...you didn't..."
"If you want to be a professional Quidditch player, you're going to need a broom, Harry. Besides, I didn't spend any money on this. Just open it."
Harry took the package, unwrapping it with shaking fingers.
It was the most beautiful broom Harry had ever seen, all dark wood and sleek edges. It wasn't a Nimbus or a Firebolt. In fact, it didn't have any markings at all.
"What is this?"
Sirius sighed, sitting beside Harry.
"This belonged to my brother. Regulus was the Slytherin Seeker. He was fantastic, certainly the best Seeker at Hogwarts. He was actually being scouted to play for England. I think he would have done it if he hadn't joined the Death Eaters. He wanted to. It was his dream."
Harry stared at the broom, stunned.
"My parents had this made for him as a 17th birthday present. It's one of a kind. There's no other broom like it. Someone should get to fly it. Reggie would have wanted it to be put to good use."
"Sirius..." Harry breathed.
"This is too much."
"It's not, Harry. I want you to have it."
Harry stared at the broom, taking in the beauty of it, suddenly overwhelmed with affection for his godfather. Sirius had given him the greatest gift in the world. Something far better than a broomstick.
For the first time in his life, Harry understood what it felt like to have a parent.
"Thank you, Sirius," he whispered.
"For everything."
As an apology for my lateness, take this extra-long chapter! This is basically my love letter to Sirius Black. It's not a hugely exciting chapter, but it does set up some important things for later on. The plot is really going to start picking up next chapter, and it'll be a pretty wild ride from here on out.
Next chapter will be coming on Tuesday. My updating schedule will be a bit erratic over the next few weeks b/c of finals, but I'll do my best to post at least once a week.
Thank you to everyone who has liked, commented, or followed. Honestly, comments make me so happy :)