Alone.
He felt alone.
Yes physically he was alone, there are no other sentient beings in the vicinity.
He knew that he was alone.
So why did it feel like it was crushing him. The empty space was closing in and he felt truly alone, like no one would come back for him ever.
He was lonely.
Alone and Lonely, same but different.
Lots of famous philosophers and writers have referenced solitude in their works.
Aristotle, Ralph Waldo Emerson, Henry David Thoreau
But what is the state of being lonely rather than being alone?
Donnie shook his head, no such thoughts, machinery doesn't philosophize.
He...he wasn't a machine.
No he was.
He wasn't.
He was.
He was definitely something. But was he something to his family.
No he had no family. Not anymore. He was solitude. He was alone, not lonely. Robots do not have a sense of melancholy, he can't miss his brothers.
Yet he defined himself as a he. Robots don't have gender.
He has a name...Donatello. Robots can have names but it means so much and he remembers it's said with so much love and it almost makes his heart feel a spark.
Stop.
Stop.
STOP!
He slumped on the ground, hunched over with the grass tightly gripped in his fingers. It all needs to end now.
A truth he would not admit to himself was that it was not just his humanity that bothered him. He didn't like his body. He felt awkward and mechanical even though he convinced himself he was a robot and it was natural. But it wasn't.
Emily Dickinson.
Her poem,
I am afraid to own a body.
"what do we do now?"Mikey wailed, burying his head in his hands.
Mikey screwed up like he always did. They can't fix this, Donnie always fixed everything.
Raph stood, silent, unmoving, impassive. Leo was tense as a wire, his fists clenched tightly.
All of them waiting to break and Donnie wouldn't fix them like he always did. They always remembered how after someone got injured Donnie was there with a soft reassuring smile and he quietly patched them up.
Donnie did everything.
He was the brains.
What were they without him?
Mikey was the jokester. The bright happy cheerful one. He was supposed to make everyone happier.
He wasn't making any jokes now.
Leo was the leader, responsible, skilled, disciplined. He always had a plan to lead them to victory.
He felt unbalanced.
Raph was the fighter. He was impulsive, brash, temperamental, hot headed but he was strong.
Raph didn't think he had the energy for fire.
The world had taken and taken from them. Tragedy after tragedy, battle after battle they endured and fought. But they were tired of the suffering.
All they had left were each other.
"We do what we always do, we get Donnie back"Leo answered with determination.
Any will he had to go on and see this through was solely based on his will never to give up. Donnie will come back, he had to. They lost so much but they can't lose each other. It would be cruel of the world after everything with the Kraang and Shredder.
"How do we do that? The only person who can fix Donnie is Donnie"Raph pointed out not out of anger but hopelessness.
Donnie was the brains of the team no doubt about that. So what happened to a body without a brain. It couldn't function, Raph hated to admit it as independent as he was, they needed each other. Raph had definitely matured from his teenage years when he went through his lone wolf I don't need anyone phase and whatever Leo and Mikey said about it wasn't true
"He knew what to do"Mikey agreed forlornly.
Donnie always knew how to fix Mikey's problems which he caused a lot of problems. Raph might just insult him or Leo roll his eyes but Donnie usually didn't complain and helped him. There was an exasperated sigh or sometimes he blew up if he was having a bad day but at the end of it Donnie was dependable. Sweetly sarcastic, calm and collected, Donnie who never changed.
"Well it doesn't matter"Leo argued, narrowing his eyes at his brothers.
If there was any chance they could get him back they had to. They were brothers, they fought battles, laughed and cried and split blood together. This wasn't going to stop them now. Leo knew as well as the rest of them that it was going to be harder without Donnie. But they had to do it for him. Leo never realized how Donnie felt about himself. Donnie never viewed himself as great because he wasn't as great of a fighter as they were and his strength lied in intellect. Donnie never knew how important he really was.
"Let's go search his room for clues"Leo ordered them trying to seem more confident than he actually was.
Despite faltering in showing certainty his brothers obeyed him. Leo had to show up, he had to portray the cool under pressure leader and he had to be perfect. Otherwise they would collapse because Leo knew he was on the verge of that cliff.
They walked inside Donnie's room which consisted of his charging station and a table full of scribbled in notebooks, sketches for machines and some lab experiments. It all felt like Donnie but without him it felt colder, and emptier.
Quickly they swept the room overturning everything for the most unobtrusive object out of place. They skimmed over bookshelves, cabinets, and lab equipment but their efforts were fruitless.
There laid a note, inconspicuous and unassuming, tucked away between the pages of a notebook. It appeared to be ripped from the pages of one of Donnie's textbooks. There were words written on the note in Donnie's neat and pretty handwriting.
"Fix my insides"Leo read aloud tracing the edge with his hand.
The drawl of the pencil seemed to go off the side of the page signaling that Donnie didn't have time to finish the thought. They searched his room for a long period of time and this was the only thing out of place but they couldn't glean it's meaning.
"What does that mean? Inside of what?"Raph exclaimed in frustration.
A look of exasperation across his face. This was the worst time to be cryptic. Raph really wanted to punch something, he could punch Mikey but that was probably uncalled for.
"Dudes why isn't it on paper?"Mikey questioned, tilting his head in confusion.
Raph looked at Mikey with disbelief.
"What do you mean? Of course it's on paper stupidhead!"Raph berated Mikey, bonking him on the head in annoyance.
"Stop I'm being serious"Mikey whined belligerently rubbing the back of the head.
"No Mikey's got a point"Leo affirmed, staring at the note in concentration.
The note had other words that Donnie didn't write like they were printed. And some pictures and a chapter number.
"Why wouldn't he just write on normal paper"Leo finally asked thinking deeply as he fought for an answer
"What do you mean?"Raph asked, still not grasping what they noticed.
Raph was seething in frustration and lack of straightforwardness.
"This paper is from his science textbook"Leo explained, his eyes staring intently at the paper.
"Why does that matter?"Raph asked through gritted teeth.
"Because Donnie is very meticulous and any detail we have to pay attention to"Leo reminded him.
"See bro I told you"Mikey bragged while giving Raph the biggest grin possible.
Raph very politely refrained from hitting both of them where it really hurts. Really they should give him a medal for the amount of self control he displayed.
The page had a diagram of a central control system of a machine. It appeared to be the power source of a robot surrounded by the skeleton.
Fix insides.
Fix insides.
What did that mean?
"Fix insides, fix insides"Leo muttered over and over as if repeating the phrase would make the answer magically come to him.
Mikey and Raph looked at each other in confusion. Raph stared at Mikey as if to communicate that he couldn't believe what their fearless leader was doing. Mikey shrugged and made a hand gesture that Leo was pretty sure meant that Mikey thought he was crazy.
Then Leo was hit with a sudden realization. He gasped and his back straightened and he was as tense as a wire. Both Mikey and Raph noticed and shot straight up on alert.
"What"Raph asked suspiciously. He stared at Leo with apprehension, what was that dude thinking?
"Fix insides...I think Donnie wanted us to literally fix his insides not just the fact that he lost all of his personality but something must be wrong with the robot body interior"Leo
"Question is how do we fix that?"Mikey
Mikey was pretty skeptical, over the years when Donnie had passionately told them about a new invention or experiment or something knew he learned Mikey kinda blanked out. Donnie was really smart and Mikey definitely didn't have his brains. Though Mikey wished he'd pay attention to Donnie not just because he didn't retain any useful knowledge. He also missed that bright excited sparkle that came into Donnie's eyes whenever he spewed sciency stuff.
"Donnie was the engineer, not us,"Leo remembered with horrifying clarity.
Leo remembered bits and pieces but he always degraded Donnie's role in their team. Thinking that they had to devote more time and attention to the art of ninjutsu just like Sensai wanted.
"I know a little bit. I learned a bit from watching Donnie when it was just us surviving the Apocalypse"Raph mentioned briefly.
Raph did learn some things but not a whole lot. He guessed he never needed to prepare for that possibility of losing Donnie. Back in the desert he probably couldn't have lived if that happened because there wasn't much else worth living for. But now when they have something worth staying for it gets taken away.
They all locked eyes with each other because each brother knew that they've had more impossible missions and could do it.
Leo, Raph, and Mikey devised a plan to sneak up on Donnie. While Raph and Leo hold him down Mikey has to open the control panel and shut down his system.
""Why do I have to do the technical stuff?"Mikey complained, nervously wringing his hands as they looked at Donnie quietly charging.
"Because Raph and I are stronger and need to hold him down so he can't resist"Leo calmly explained.
Also Leo didn't want to be the one to dodge all the weapons and ammo that Donnie carried in his body but that information was not necessary to disclose.
"But..."Mikey started to retaliate but thought better of it.
"Besides if anyone knows how to destroy things it's you"Raph added unhelpfully.
Mikey pouted and sulked in petulance at that comment. Leo noticed how serious and worried Mikey was. Leo's tone softened and he put a comforting hand on Mikey's shoulder.
"Hey don't worry Mikey you can do this"Leo assured him with a gentleness in his expression.
Mikey had no idea how Leo did that confident assuring calming thing with his body language but it worked. Raph didn't say anything but he nodded in agreement. Mikey grinned more brightly, the faith that his brothers had in him was all he needed to do this.
Mikey was scared and he knew he had to do it. He was the most agile out of all of them. But he wasn't the most sciency guy if it wasn't obvious.
Mikey took a deep breath and waited for Leo's signal. A three fingered hand then peeked out from the bush in a communicative gesture. Then Leo and Raph leapt up and tackled Donnie.
His heavy clunky body hit the ground with a thud. Donnie looked up in surprise and screamed as he struggled. But they were holding down his arms so he couldn;t deploy any missiles.
"Mikey do it now!"Leo yelled desperately, struggling to hold onto Donnie.
Raph grunted in agreement, expressing his faith in Mikey. Mikey took a deep breath and braced himself. Mikey held Donnie's body down with his knee then opened the front panel. Then he pulled out the control panel snapping the colorful wires. Donnie's body went limp as the light in his eyes faded.
It was over. They overpowered him yet why did it feel like they were still losing.
They carried Donnie's body back to his room and laid him on a table. He looked so still and so lifeless as his arm draped over the side of the table. Mikey nervously tapped his foot as he watched Leo meticulously clean and attempt to repair the hardware and software of the control panel. Leo called it a motherboard? And what was hardware and software? Raph was replacing all of the broken wires.
They looked at each other with glances of understanding. They needed to wait for Donnie to heal. Who knows how long it will take.
Day and night the three brothers waited for the fourth whose body laid cold and still. But they waited for they were not complete without him. Each took turns sitting with him and talked to Donnie's body that remained unmoving.
Mikey went first as the youngest and remembered the camaraderie they shared as the two youngest who lived in the shadows of their elder brothers.
"Hey Donnie...you're looking rather shiny"Mikey inwardly cringed at the meek attempt at a compliment.
Mikey then fell silent because what were you supposed to say to a comatose brother.
"You know after the mutagen bomb I thought all of you were dead:"Mikey started tentatively wondering if this was the wrong way to go.
Mikey had no idea where he was going with all of this. But it was better to talk and get it off his chest if it was bothering him so much.
"Even though you're out of it i'm just glad you're here"Mikey continued
"I spent 3 years thinking the rest of you were dead, pretty lonely place to be." Mikey still remembered those awful days with only chompy and ice cream kitty for company.
Where the days just consisted of sand and silence, no laughter.
"Knowing you you probably think all of your problems are a burden and it's selfish to involve us" Mikey laughed bitterly thinking of the time when Shredder and Kraang were still around. Donnie wasting away at his lab, always trying to find a scientific solution to their problems. How even though all the burden lay on him his eyes sparkled with excitement and he got that crazed look. Donnie was passionate about science and he was such a good person, he spent hours doing experiments for other people. Donnie was a logical and intelligent dude but he never prioritized himself.
"But we always needed you not because you're smart but because you're our brother"Mikey needed to speak the truth.
Because after this they were all aware enough to put up their walls. Then they would keep their blissful ignorance of each other's problems.
"You're just so selfless and willing to help everyone and put up with us so for once be selfish"
"come back...please"Mikey whispered, pleading with Donnie to do this. But Donnie's body remained silent.
Mikey did the comforting and he talked and he made jokes. Because he knew he was the heart, who else would keep them smiling in their darkest days.
"Well Donnie here we are again"
This time it was Raph's turn to visit Donnie.
"Me standing over you just like the good ol days when I used to tackle you to the ground in sparring"
He almost smiled at the memory of himself holding Donnie down while he struggled and pleaded for Raph to take mercy. He belittled Donnie on how his combat abilities were inferior to his own. How childish they were back then
"I admit I probably looked over how hard your job is"Raph confessed with a sigh, pulling up a chair to sit in.
Raph was a fighter, he defended his family with punches because that's what he knew best. He loved his brothers and he knew that they had their own talents that made their team complete, a whole squad.
"Doing what you do with your whole mad scientist thing, it ain't easy"
Raph made fun of Donnie when he rambled on and on about something new he read in a book. Little bits of knowledge that as an older brother he should've cherished because it would stop after the mutagen bomb.
"But you're here for me emotionally too, you're so calm and collected and patient, i don't know how you do it"
Raph was a fighter, and he was a damn good one. He wasn't good with emotions and he used anger to mask his true feelings. He was insecure and he felt worthless sometimes but the only way he knew how to deal with these feelings was lashing out and hurting people around him. Donni ran on logic and he was a steady compass in the storm that was Raph's rage. They only had each other when the mutagen bomb desiccated the world.
"Those years without the memories you were the only person who was there for me. It hurt not knowing who I was that I didn't think about your suffering. I didn't remember everything about you"Raph's mood soured at the first days where Donnie brought up something about their childhood and Raph got angry.
Because he didn't know how to deal with the pain of losing his life before.
"You're the brains of the operation so we need you"Raph finally said out loud.
And it was a release. Because Raph was strong, he packed a punch but maybe he needed to rely on others.
"Hey Donnie"
"Back when we were teenagers I'd probably be yelling at you to wake up and start training but that's not gonna work now"Leo tried for an attempt at humor but that was more Mikey's thing.
He always thought what Master Splinter would do. Master Splinter was a great sensei and a great father. He was very wise and as the eldest son he must bring honor to the hamato clan.
It took him too long to realize that he shouldn't have compared him to splinter.
It took a while to realize that he should be thinking about what Leo would do.
"When we talked about how you felt if you weren't really Donatello I feel the same way sometimes"Leo revealed after moments of deliberation.
This new body Leo had was cursed to remind him of a time where he wasn't Leo. where the only thing he did was conquer.
"I got transformed too. I was Maximous Kong for a while after I was mutated. I was a rage filled monster and from what I heard did horrible things. I don't remember all of it but I remember some of it and I definitely wasn't myself"Leo hated reflecting on his time as Maximus Kong.
Barely aware of his actions only seeing rage and destruction. Not knowing who or what he was, only that he was a monster. Getting double mutated was not great and he didn't know how it messed with his head. No doubt Donnie had a theory to why.
"I will carry that weight all my life but It doesn't matter, that was the price I paid to save all of you, our new bodies hurt but they're ours and I've embraced mine so one day I hope you can embrace yours"Leo wasn't sure if he totally accepted his body, he would've done anything to save his brothers.
So if he could go back he wasn't sure if it was possible to save himself and save his brothers. The body was merely a world desire, one that could be erased by spiritual training. And yet he still hated it. He wished he hadn't caused so much harm as they were ninja, hurting innocents defied their code of honor.
Leo was a leader, he was the master of their clan. He gave the orders and made sure they didn't fall apart. He needed to be the responsible one, he had to be the perfect son.
But he knew that Donnie needed to hear it and maybe he needed to hear it too.
Mira was there too and she didn't know why.
It wasn't like she was close to Donatello nor did she interact with him much. But yet she was here talking to an empty metal shell.
"Donatello..."
"Your brothers have visited you every day, you're lucky to have such a caring family"Mira observed with a wistful sigh.
Her family was killed, she was the last survivor of the meerkat clan. A child wandering alone in a barren wasteland without anyone to tell her it was going to be ok. Until she met the turtles who took her in and let her be part of their group as friends. She never knew friends where before she couldn't afford friends if she wanted to survive.
"I may not understand family as well as you, I don't understand the relationship between you and your brothers but you have shown me what it means to be family by welcoming me into yours"
Mira knew what a family meant but not to her. It felt good to call others your family. It meant she no longer had to be alone. Now she had a place to belong and despite Donatello's broken body, he needed to realize that he belonged to their family too.
Donnie gasped and opened his eyes. He felt better...his vision was clearer? He felt more human than he was in a while. While the idea of being human is relative, he certainly felt alive. It was quiet...too quiet. He remembered a rush of agony then darkness. He heard the sound of a bird chirping, running water, and the rustling of leaves. He stepped out of the room into the warm sunlight that bathed the metal of his exoskeleton. There his brothers and Mira who noticed him stood up in relief and surprise and joy.
"Donnie?"
"Hey guys"
They hugged him.
His heart never felt bigger.