Chapter 5
It's been 15 weeks since I left Trenton. I never missed a check in since Lester contacted me. Ronnie said she noticed a huge improvement in my self esteem and mental state. I'm not the confused, indecisive woman I used to be. Last night we determined it was time for me to contact Ranger. Too many unanswered questions were preventing me from progressing towards full mental health. I mean, I'm in complete control of my emotions and I know exactly what I want. It's the 'what ifs' that's grabbing my attention. In order for me to be fully over Ranger, I need a form of validation... to be certain we can't have a normal, healthy and stable relationship. I want it all... marriage, children, a loving and faithful husband.
I'm not in love with Ricardo Carlos Manoso anymore. Time away helped me realize I was only in love with the idea of being in love with him. Does that make any sense? No? Sorry, but I did try to explain it better. I guess I'm just having trouble reconciling why he's been using all his contacts to find me. Yes, I heard from Grandpa that Ranger's been trying to find me.
I also heard Terry is in prison for attempted murder and conspiracy to commit murder. Dad sent a secure, encrypted message to Grandpa, telling him she shot Joe. She took a shot at him, but he managed to move just enough for the bullet to graze his head. He would have been shot point-blank if he moved too slow. Stupid Morelli confessed to Terry that he was only sleeping with her because he was dating me. If I wasn't in the picture, he wouldn't have anything to do with her. Hence the reason they never 'hooked up' while we weren't actively dating. Her conspiracy charge revolves around hiring a hit man to come after me. Terry's Uncle Vito refuses to post bail or pay for her lawyer. She had to hire Dickie Orr since he was the only one willing to take on her case pro bono. Knowing him, he's accepting his payment in blow jobs or sexual favours.
After having a lengthy discussion with Grandpa, I decided to use my secure, untraceable phone to call him. It was time to clear the air, so to speak. I was using Grandpa's private den to place the call. The den had a gorgeous cherry desk in front of the window. An ergonomic black leather chair was between the desk and window. A small accent table and chair was located to the right of the desk. He had a soft area carpet in front of his desk with two black leather chairs. I sat in one of the black chairs before finally deciding on sitting in Grandpa's chair behind the desk.
Shifting my position, I rotated the chair to see out the window. The private beach was visible from this room. I placed my sock covered feet on the window sill and leaned back into Grandpa's remarkably comfortable chair.
I dialled the very familiar number. The phone rang once when he answered with a gruff, "Yo."
"Hey stranger," I greeted. "Did you miss me?"
"Babe," he sounded relieved to finally hear my voice. "Where are you?" His voice softer after hearing my voice.
"Safe. That's all you need to know." I could hear him typing furiously on his computer, causing me to start laughing. "Sorry Batman. Even the Bat signal can't help you locate me," I joked. "I'm in a secure location, on a secure, untraceable phone. You can try tracking me, but you won't be able to find me. We need to talk, or I should ask you questions and you answer them. I expect you to answer my questions honestly. Please don't use the word 'classified' since none of my questions will be about your military career or any government contracts. One word answers of 'Babe' will result in me hanging up after the third occurrence. If you want me to continue talking, you need to actively participate. Do you agree to my terms?"
"Yes. May I ask you questions too?" he politely asked. Huh... I'm used to his short, demanding questions. If I expect him to answer my questions, I must cooperate too... within reason. I also know I need to qualify the type of questions acceptable for him to ask.
"Of course. I will answer all questions not involving where I went, including landmarks, who I'm with and who I met while I'm here."
"Babe," he sighed.
"First question... is there any chance of us having a future together as romantic partners?"
"No. I love you, but I will never marry you or offer you a commitment."
"Would you give me a child if I asked you for one?" I asked.
"If you want a child, I'll give you one and financial support, but that's all I can offer." He wants me to have his child and money, but not him. I wouldn't want his child if I can't have him too. Having a daily reminder of him would be torture.
"Did you only offer to father my child because I'm not interested in having one?" He wouldn't know I changed my stance on having children. My reason for not wanting one before has changed during the past few months. I'm looking forward to the day my stomach grows round with my child.
"Yes." Okay, so it was an empty offer, but I'm not really surprised.
Sadness filled me as I realized he didn't want me. "Don't you want me?"
"I do want you, but only as an occasional bed mate. I've told you before, my love does not come with a ring, but a condom will come in handy," he reiterated.
"Last question... will we ever be anything more than just best friends with benefits?"
"I'm really sorry Babe, but no." He sounded resigned. I could imagine him running his fingers through his hair. He wasn't telling me anything I haven't already considered, but he's definitely confirming everything I believed to be true.
"Okay. I finally understand. You're willing to give me everything but you."
He didn't comment. Instead he asked his own answers. "Why did you leave?"
"I'm tired of being a standing joke, both in my job and personal life. I needed serious training away from everyone," I answered honestly.
"What catalyst finally caused you to leave?"
"It was a combination of Joe cheating on me with Terry during our on-again times." I really didn't want to tell him the other reason.
"You said it was a combination. What's the other part?"
"You not trusting me to be around your daughter. I know you lied to me. You said you were 'in the wind' when you visited Julie. You just didn't want me on your trip. I would have understood if you gave me an honest answer. It was the same day I stopped believing everything you told me," I confessed. He didn't bother denying it. We promised to be honest and there was no way for him to spin this lie in his favour.
"Are we still friends?" He heard me sigh then added, "Without benefits. You are my best friend Babe. I need you in my life as my friend. My men miss you, as do I. Please consider working at Rangeman when you return."
"I will always be your friend Ranger and I need you in my life too. It's time for me to move forward in my life. If I start dating, you can't poach."
"I won't poach, I promise. When are you coming home?" he quietly asked again. He really needed to hear my answer.
"I don't have a specific date in mind, but soon. I'll think about working at Rangeman, but I can't make any promises. I miss the guys too. I promise to call when I can, okay?"
"Babe," his voice hitched as he hung up the phone.
Our talk went better than I expected. He respected our conversation parameters, even answering my questions. My decision to discount him as a potential partner was justified. He didn't want to offer more than he has already given me. Weeks ago, Ronnie helped me realize I wanted to get married and have children with the right partner. Ranger is not the right man for me. I would love him in my own way (no, that isn't lost on me), but I want and deserve more in my life.
Grandpa entered the room as I complete the call. "How did your talk go, piccolo zucca?"
"In a way, better than I expected. He surprisingly cooperated by answering my questions. I have a feeling he's not willing to bend on his relationship stance because of his Ranger contract. I knew my absence wouldn't change his mind. It's time for me to move on with my life." I talked as tears ran down my cheeks. He pulled me into his arms and held me until I stop shaking from my tears.
"Feel better?" he asked. I nodded. "Manoso is the most skilled man in the Rangers. Every time he made noise about retiring, they increased the money offered in his contract. I know he'll eventually decline, but until the day he can no longer do the work, he will always sign another contract. His contract with the government will likely end when he dies."
"So until he's gravely injured or incapacitated in some way, he'll continue signing a contract with the government?" I asked to clarify.
"Without a doubt. Ronnie's waiting for you in your room. She assumed you'd want more privacy to discuss the phone call."
"She isn't wrong. Thank you for bringing me here Nonno. I've learned so much from you and Diesel." I kissed his cheek.
"Go on," he quickly dismissed me.
I shared all my phone call details with Ronnie. "You were right, Steph. I know you called hoping things had changed. How do you feel knowing everything remains the same?"
"Actually, I feel my reason for needing distance was completely justified. Neither of us can change to be what the other wants or needs. It's better to cut our losses and move forward. As Lewis in The Robinsons movie said, 'You just focused on the bad stuff when all you had to do was let go of the past and keep moving forward.'"
Ronnie laughed before saying, "We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious... and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths."
I started laughing until I fell over. "OMG. You just quoted Walt Disney."
She shrugged and added, "I felt it was appropriate. Along with 'Happiness is a state of mind. It's just according to the way you look at things.'"
"Ya... that's another Walt Disney quote. We must have watched the same movie... multiple times."
"It was an excellent movie. We could all learn from The Robinsons," she said in jest.
"I agree, Ronnie. There were a lot of really great quotes in that movie." I was getting off topic. "We should watch it tonight."
"Deal," she held out her hand for me to shake.
"I'm going to miss you when I return home."
"I'll miss you too Steph. Maybe we'll move to New York. Raoul can work from anywhere. I could start a viable practice in the region."
"I would love to live closer to you. What about your mom? Wouldn't you miss the time with her?" I had to ask. Ronnie was very close with her mom.
Her smile had me thinking things I never considered. "Well... about that. I think she's secretly dating your grandfather. Dad passed away a few years ago and she's been lonely."
"How do you know they're secretly dating?" I never even caught them touching.
"I kind of walked in on them kissing. Mom probably doesn't want me to know in deference to Dad," she wisely stated.
We walked arm in arm towards the kitchen to help Marianna cook dinner. With her patient guidance, I knew how to cook my favourite meals. Marianna and Ronnie were excellent cooking instructors. Tonight we are making lasagna, garlic bread and garden salad. I'll be helping Ronnie make the lasagna while Marianna prepares everything else.
It didn't take us long to cook everything and put the lasagna in the oven. Marianna was using the other small wall oven to cook the bread. Our dinner should be ready in an hour.
I returned to my room to write in my journal. Diesel arrived just as I finished recording my feelings regarding my chat with Ranger. He was away for the day to take care of a case for the unmentionables. Diesel knocked on my door. I know... I'm surprised too! He's been respecting my privacy and not popping directly into my room. "Come in Diesel," I called.
"Hey Sunshine. I missed you today. You're rent is covered for the next few months." He was maintaining his distance from me. I'm scared he gave up on me. I know exactly what I want from a relationship. Everything Diesel has done over the last 15 weeks showed me how much he loves me. At first I was upset when he kept me at arm's length, but Ronnie helped me realize he was respecting my wishes. I want to make my decision based on our mutual feelings, compatibility and chemistry.
"Hi Diesel. I missed you too and thank you. I was wondering how I was going to pay it." I placed my journal on the nightstand with the pen. I patted the space on my bed beside me. He looked in my eyes before taking a seat, resting his back against the headboard. I moved closer to him and cuddled into his side.
He instinctively wrapped his arm around me. Diesel smelled like sunshine and cinnamon... my two favourite smells. "What's going on Sunshine?" he asked.
"I talked to him today. As I already predicted, he is unwilling to change his stance on relationships despite loving me. Before we talked today, I had already decided what I wanted in a relationship." I was careful to not mention his name. Diesel confessed he was related to Ranger's father. Ricardo Carlos Manoso Senior is Eliana Diesel's brother. Yes, Diesel is his last name. He told me his first name is Reginald, which he absolutely hates. Ranger knows his real name, but respects his cousin enough to call him by the more preferable last name.
"Am I going to like what you've decided?" he asked.
"Yes. You are absolutely going to love my decision. However, I do have some qualifiers."
"Some qualifiers?" he smirked. I had a feeling he could read my mind and knew exactly what I was about to say.
"Honesty, respect, loyalty, exclusivity, faithfulness, affection, communication, no secrets, no lying by omission..." I trailed off.
"I agree..." he agreed, scratching his chin. "Oh, and I promise not to remove your bra when we have company," he offered, sealing the deal. I started laughing. He knew exactly what I was planning to say next. "Are you serious Stephanie? You're ready for us?"
"Yes, Diesel. I'm ready for us. Thank you so much for waiting. However, I don't want to jump into a sex-based relationship. I need us to progress at a healthy pace."
"I'll do anything you want Sweetheart. I've waited this long, I can wait much longer for you." He pulled me onto his lap to kiss me. "I'll wait for you to make the first move," he said against my lips. "I'm in love with you Stephanie." His kiss was warm and tender, as though he was savouring my joined lips.
"I love you too Diesel, but I still want us to take our time." My stomach growled just as Diesel's phone chimed.
"Perfect timing. Dinner's ready," he said after reading the text. He carried me to the door before gently placing me on my feet. I wanted to hold his hand, but I felt it was still too soon. He felt it wasn't soon enough. We held hands as we walked towards the dining room.