Red Dwarf: What if the crew survived?
Authors notes: The idea is a collection of stories based on episodes, based on the idea of the whole red dwarf crew surviving. I know Rimmer and Lister are acting out of character, I'm having trouble capturing the mannerisms of Lister and Rimmer. And I know I've changed Kryten a bit.
Chapter 5: Polymorph Part One
J.M.C mining ship Red Dwarf, location: Deep space.
Logbook: Second Technician Rimmer.
This is the video log of second technician Arnold J. Rimmer, JMC mining ship Red Dwarf's maintenance team. It's been an interesting week to say the least, we encountered a GELF for the first time, Genetically engineered life forms, thankfully one of the more friendly kinds. These lifeforms stand about 8 feet high, are covered in fur and have vaguely porcine like features. Only one unpleasant thing, some GELF eat cats and one was interested in Dibley. Now the man can be a real pain in the arse at times, but he's a damned good pilot. Hollister thankfully convinced them that Dibley was a domesticated cat and didn't taste good. We traded with the tribe for several things, in the end we sold twenty crates of napkins...which GELF also consider a delicacy for some reason, for several crates of protein pastes and a recipe to make powerful alcohol from mushrooms and space moss, this alcohol is amazing for cleaning wounds and can also be watered down into a drink, and that's why Peterson is having his stomach pumped and Dibley is learning what a hangover is.
End of log.
It was late in the evening on the mining ship Red Dwarf, Z-shift was finishing their shifts.
"Okay, so let's recap. 3 Skutter bays repaired, food processors are running and the new distillery is up and running. I'd call this a successful day, wouldn't you?" Rimmer asked the 6 crew members he was in command of.
"Yeah, I think we did okay." Lister said, "You guys wanna hit the club tonight, as we're off duty this weekend?"
"Sounds good Dave." Chen and Selby said. Peterson was nearby and gave the thumbs up to the ground.
"You coming Rimmer?" Lister asked
"I guess I could use a drink too." Rimmer said, "Thanks for asking me along. I'll just go get changed."
"Sure thing Rimmer." Lister said.
"You're inviting Rimmer for a drink? I didn't think Rimmer did fun." Peterson said
"He's changed a lot the last few months, since we got promoted to bigger duties. He never liked being in the vending machine maintenance programme, he was frustrated that he was in a job he hated and wasn't able to get out of the rut." Lister said, "Just give him a chance guys."
"Okay, as long as he doesn't talk about those ham man organs." Chen said, "What about Cat?"
"He's not fond of alcohol since he discovered the hangover." Lister said
"Emergency, their's an emergency going on." Holly's voice said.
"Wonder what's happening?" Selby asked. A suddenly jolt rocked the ship.
"A meteor has collided with Floor 20." Holly said.
"Oh Smeg!" Lister yelled.
"Lister, Selby, Chen, floor twenty ASAP!" Rimmer yelled, grabbing a fire extinguisher. On floor 20, the place was in pandemonium, crew battling fires and McIntyre was behaving oddly.
"This old man, he played one, he played nick nack on his drum, with a nick nack paddy wack give the dog a bone, this old man went rolling home!" McIntyre sang loudly, he then froze when he saw Lister and Rimmer, "Lister, you've been fined 20 dollarpounds for dereliction of duty. Rimmer, we have a clogged chicken soup GAH! What the hell is happening to meeeyooooooooooooooooooooooooowwwww!" he asked
"Uh, I think the holographic projection suite is on this floor." Chen said
"Either that or George is going computer senile." Selby said
"We'd better get him fixed." Rimmer said
Inside the suite, fires were breaking out as the crew put them out.
"I've got everything in hand, don't panic." Holly said.
"I've got everything in hand, don't panic." McIntyre replied in Holly's voice
"We need to override the charred relays." Holly said
"We need to override the charred relays." McIntyre said
"But how do we do that Hol?" L asked
"But how do we do that Hol?" McIntyre asked, causing Chen and Selby to giggle.
"Bypass the main circuit." Holly said.
"Bypass the main circuit." McIntye said before vanishing.
"What happened?" Holly asked
"I just shut down the projectors, McIntyre was driving me nuts." Rimmer said, "We'll power him up when it's fixed.
"Bypass the main circuit. That ring of switches over there." Holly said
"What, this one over ere?" Lister asked
"Yeah, that's it. Press the main switch, connect the yellow cable to the red cable and restart the system." Holly said
"Okay, system rebooting. The holographic suite is functional again, but we'd better get skutters in to do the wiring." Rimmer said. McIntyre reappeared.
"My god, that was terrible." he said, "I feel like I might throw up. Thanks guys."
"No problem George." Lister said.
"Holly, we've got spare cables here." Selby said, "White, blue and green."
"White and blue connect together." Holly said. As Selby and Chen connected the cables together, an electrical surge knocked them across the room leaving them unconscious.
"Or was that green and blue?" Holly asked, "Or white and green?"
"Holly, you goit!" Rimmer said, "Lister, call for Adams."
Lister ran to a communications unit, "Lister to Doctor Adams, Medical emergency, floor 20 holographic protections suite, Selby and Chen are unconscious."
Later that day, Rimmer, Lister and a group of technicians were examining Holly's systems.
"It's not looking good Captain." First technician Hunter said, "45% of Holly's systems are damaged. We could repair him eventually, but we may need to load up a backup computer system."
"Okay Hunter, do what you must, just repair Holly the best you can. He's hopeless but we'd miss him." Holister said
"We have backup AI systems?" Lister asked Rimmer.
"Yeah, if I remember correctly we have a Q33-G, he prefers to be called Queeg and we also have a system called H1L1, prefers to be called Hilly." Rimmer said
"Which one would you use Mr Hunter?" Lister asked
"Hilly. I worked with a Q33 once, it's like someone crossed that actor Damon Waynes with the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket." Hunter said, "The H1 is a much better system."
Within the day, the H1 system was connected and Holly was offlined for repairs. When the H1 was activated, instead of Holly's face, a blonde woman's face appeared.
"Who are you then?" She asked
"First Technician Josh Hunter, second technician Arnold Rimmer and Third Technician David Lister, you're currently connected to mining ship JMC 7472, the Red Dwarf." Hunter said
"Red Dwarf? I remember that ship. I used to run it, til they off-lined me and replaced me with some bugger called Holly." Hilly replied, looking miffed, "But why am I back online, did the superior model break down?"
"Holly is showing signs of computer senility. We need a new AI system running the ship."
"Superior model, pah. It's been estimated that the H33's like you're truly could sustain themselves for over 500,000 years." Hilly said
"Look love, I don't know what your problem is, but stop taking pot shots at Holly. He's over 3 million years old, way past his use by date." Lister said
"3 million years?" Hilly asked, "What's the date?"
"No idea, but we drifted over two million lightyears at sub light speed, we're well outside the sol system." Hunter said
"Hold on, RED ALERT! Non human life form detected" Hilly said
"Is she detecting Dibley?" Hunter asked
"No, Starbug pilot Dibey is in the ships records. Genetically Engineered Life Form detected. Location floor 19." Hilly said, "Mr Dibley is located nearby
"That's the floor above us." Rimmer realised
"CAT!" Lister realised and ran off. A few seconds later, a scream of terror was heard.
"Lister?" Rimmer yelled, grabbing a bazookoid and following with Hunter also arming himself.
"Snakes everywhere." Lister was mumbling, as the two caught up.
"Lister, what's wrong?" Rimmer asked, "Dave, speak to me."
"Shit...Rimmer, Hunter. I was going to find Cat and their was snakes everywhere, but they vanished." Lister said
"Hilly, did you see any snakes?" Hunter asked
"No Joshua, but something did happen, David clearly saw them based on his elevated heart rate and cortisol and adrenaline levels." Hilly said, "Could be telepathic."
"I'm terrified of snakes man." Lister said, "I was bitten by a grass snake I stepped on, I thought i was gonna die, I was only 5 at the time. I mean I know they're not poisonous, but still it left me scared."
"Venomous." Hilly said
"Hilly, we don't need an English lesson to tell use the difference between poisonous and venomous." Hunter said, "Can you detect the creature?"
"It's close by." Hilly said. A second later, a gigantic creature burst out of the floor, Rimmer and Hunter yelled in shock but Lister screamed in terror. The creature then grabbed him and placed it's hand onto his head, a few seconds later Lister passed out and the creature vanished.
"Lister? Oh smeg, I think it killed him." Rimmer said, "We've gotta warn the captain."
"Who was killed?" Lister asked from the ground.
"He's alive." Hunter said, "Let's get the hell out of here and cordon off the area."
"I got a better idea smeg head." Lister said
"Excuse me?" Hunter asked in disbelief.
"I said smeghead. I ain't afraid of you Hunter, you whinging mammies boy. I'm waiting here with a bazookoid. When that ugly goit comes back, I'll twat the bastard!" Lister said
"I've scanned him. That creature seems to be an energy leech, it absorbs emotions. Lister seems to lack fear. The creature is what I will term a Motuvore. Based on latin for emotion, Motus and vore which means consume." Hilly said
"What's Latin for smart arsed robotic bitch whose going to get her circuits punched out?" Lister asked.
"Lister, I know you have no fear, but would you come with us and leave the monster alone for a while til the formulate a plan?" Hunter asked
"Nah, I'll stay here and twat him." Lister said
"We'll buy you a kabab and chips." Rimmer said
"Okay then." Lister said
It's cold outside, their's not kind of atmosphere
I'm all alone, more or less.
Let me fly, far away from here. Fun fun fun, in the sun sun sun.
I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose, drinking fresh Mango juice.
Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes.
Fun fun fun, in the sun sun sun
Fun fun fun, in the sun sun sun
Copyright Grant Naylor
Copyright BBC