Closer
Sometimes one just needs to feel somebody a little bit closer.
Your eyes flutter open during the early evening when you feel encased in a warm body.
It's Addison, she's now on the floor lying next to you, pulling you close to her chest.
"I got cold," Addison whispers.
"There are more blankets," you whisper back.
"I wanted to hold you," says Addison. "Is that okay?" she asks you.
"Yeah," you nod, and you lie closer so that your head is resting on her, and your arms are intertwined.
You're much warmer, and much cozier, and even if the floor is a bit still you feel great, and Addison is humming softly as you doze off again.
You dream of a house filled with children, and you and Addison being married, and you also have a dog that you love, and you're so happy that you just want to keep dreaming.
Warm arms wrap around your back as you wake up to your alarm clock, and you blink two or three times to see if your dream came true.
Addison is in your house: check.
But you don't have four kids and a dog together (yet!?): so no check.
But okay, you weren't really ready for four kids yet anyway.
You sigh, it was a nice wistful dream, and you try not to analyze it too much to figure out what it means.
If you were more of a chivalrous person you might be getting up now and making Addison breakfast, but you don't know how to do that, and you think that Izzie might be up and in your kitchen anyway, so you just cuddle Addison closer, and inhale the sweet scent of apricots.
Apricots- shoot, you're gonna be smelling like apricots all day. Not that you don't like that, but it might be kinda suspicious that you do, so maybe you should be getting a shower, but you like the apricot smell, so maybe you'll keep it.
You wonder if you should wake Addison up, you're not sure when she's supposed to be working, so you start stroking her back softly and whispering into her ear, "Addie, time to wake up…"
You brush her hair from her face, and she grumbles a little, and tugs on your shirt until you come back to her, and she mumbles that she doesn't have to be in until eight because she's an Attending.
"My friends are all gonna be here soon," you whisper.
"That's okay, they know I'm here," Addison whispers.
"Does Derek know you're here?" you whisper softly, and then you bite your lip because you might have broken the thin spell you were working under.
"He knows I'm at a friend's house," Addison shrugs.
"Would you tell him it was me if he asked you?" You wonder aloud.
"Yeah," says Addison. "I'm not ashamed of hanging out with you, or anything," Addison smiles.
"But he might be upset," you say.
"He might be," says Addison. "But just because we're married doesn't mean I'm not a free person," says Addison.
"Will he think you're having an affair?" You blurt out.
Addison laughs then, full laughter with her eyes opening, and you stare in them, and you get lost in them.
"He might, or he might not. I don't know," Addison laughs.
"Are you here just because you don't want to be in the woods?" You ask teasingly.
"Ooh, you caught me. Yes, I'm escaping the squirrels and the trees by camping out on your floor" Addison laughs.
"You can camp out here if you want," you offer eagerly.
"Thanks," says Addison. "You wouldn't believe how big those squirrels are," she says.
"Oh I know," you say, and then you worry Addison will get mad at you for that, but she just laughs, and you bond over the perils of the trailer.
"Meredith, do you want some french toast?" Izzie calls out from the kitchen.
"Yeah," you say back. "Can Addison have some too?" You call out.
"Sure," says Izzie with a giggle.
"You wanted some, right?" You whisper to Addison.
"Oh, I love french toast," Addison smiles.
"I told you they're still together," you can hear Izzie whisper.
"Why are they on the floor though," whispers George. "They've been there since late last night. And that is not a comfy floor," says George.
"Dude, maybe they like to 'do it,' right there. I think it's hot," says Alex.
"Did you hear them 'doing it,' last night," says Cristina.
"They sure were loud when I walked in," says George. "I had to put in headphones."
"Yeah, I thought Mer was the loudest, but Addison was even louder," says Izzie.
"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT HAVING THE HOUSE TO MYSELF!?" Meredith bellows so they'll hear her from the kitchen.
"We gave you the evening free, but we live here too," says Izzie.
"You two do, but these two don't," Meredith points.
"Oh come on, everybody lives here," says Alex.
"I'm your person, I get immunity," says Cristina.
"We're not having sex, please don't start any rumors," says Meredith.
"Oh we know," says Izzie.
"You're just having romantic pillow talks," says Cristina.
"I'm not-" Meredith crosses her arms at them.
"Platonically," of course," says Cristina. "She's your platonic girlfriend," she adds.
"She's not my-" Meredith blushes.
"Here, bring some french toast to your platonic girlfriend. Should I bring you two plates? Or do you just share one?" Izzie teases.
"She can have her own plate," you grumble, as you take a second plate.
"Here, don't forget forks. Or just one fork?" Alex snickers.
"You're all impossible," you turn on your heels, and you take your french toast plates to Addison.
She's sitting up against the couch, and you join her, and Addison politely compliments Izzie's cooking.
"This is why I keep my roommates around, even if they're all gossips," you huff.
"They are good at breakfast," says Addison.
"Well, Izzie is. I don't know about Alex and George, they mainly just eat the food. And Crisitna just steals my cereal," you smile.
"It's great you're all so close," says Addison.
"Yeah, it is," you smile.
As much as your roommates can be a pain, you're all a mishmash of good friends.
"Do you want to drive with me to work?" Addison offers.
"My friends will give me so much crap for that," you giggle.
"I think they're going to anyway," Addison laughs.
"True," you say.
And you accept, enduring all the tongue-stuck-out, 'platonic girlfriend-calling,' taunting that comes your way from Cristina, and Izzie, and George, and Alex.
You spend the car ride leaning on Addison's shoulder, and her nuzzling into your head on every red light.
You're sad to go to work today, because you don't want to do anything but hang out with Addison, but of course, you've got rounds to go to, and she's got surgeries to get to, and you've got Dr. Bailey to impress, and Derek Shepherd to avoid like the plague.
But what's even weirder is that Derek doesn't even seem to notice that Addison didn't come home with him last night.
"Hey Meredith," Derek still makes his big eyes at you.
"Hi-" you say shortly.
"Do you want to go out tonight?" Derek offers.
"No-" you frown.
"Why?" He asks you.
"Because you have a really sweet and precious wife who you don't notice, and you're not supposed to be noticing me. You're supposed to be noticing her, and feeding her nice food, and taking her on dates, and cuddling her to sleep, and giving her back rubs. You're not supposed to be who knows where and neglecting her," you rant at Derek.
"I was working, Meredith," says Derek. "And why am I defending myself to you?" Derek asks you.
"I'm her friend, Derek. And friends don't let their friends' husbands treat you like crap. She deserves better than you. So step up! Or let her go! It makes me angry," you grumble.
"Ooh, are you the one feeling neglected here? Because-" Derek starts to say something else, but you turn on your heels and walk away from him.
"I'm having the weirdest day," you hear Derek say to Bailey in the elevator. "My ex-girlfriend just yelled at me because of how I didn't spend enough time with my wife. Isn't that odd?" says Derek.
"Yeah, good luck with that," says Bailey.
"Wait, but what am I supposed to do?" says Derek, throwing his hands in the air.
You wonder what you're supposed to do about your life when you almost walk right into Dorie.
"Hi-" you apologize as you step away from the woman you almost knocked over.
"Hello Meredith," says Dorie. "Thanks again for helping Charlotte. She seems to be doing much better," she smiles.
"You're welcome," you smile. "I guess everyone just needs some company, right?" You say easily.
"Yeah, I think that's right," says Dorie. "We've got all the company we need. There's eleven of us all together, and it might be chaotic but it's home," says Dorie.
"I get the feeling," you laugh. "I mean, I don't have kids yet, but I have roommates and friends that are practically roommates, and that's always a hoot," you smile.
"Sounds like a full house," says Dorie.
"It is," you nod.
"And you must have a lover thrown in the mix?" Dorie smiles.
"Ah, nope," you sigh.
"Oh really, you and Dr. Montgomery seemed really close, sorry, I just assumed," says Dorie.
"That's okay," you smile sadly. "We're just friends… It's complicated… You see, I kinda dated her husband before she moved here. And now they're back together, and I'm just well, me…" you shrug.
"Life gets complicated, but I do hope it works out for you," says Dorie.
"Me too," you nod. "I just want her to be happy y'know. She deserves good things. But the problem is that I want to be there for the good things. So we just keep hanging out all the time, and it's great. And I just yelled at Derek to be nicer to her, which is great. But it's starting to bug. I wasn't supposed to feel this way. My whole world is turning upside down," you nearly break down into tears in frustration.
"Oh, I'm sorry," says Dorie, as she pats you on the back.
"Thanks," you sniffle.
"What's it like having kids?" You ask her.
"Well-" says Dorie, and then she tells you all sorts of wild stories, and you listen to them for a while to take your mind off of everything.
Eventually, Addison walks in to check up on Dorie, and as promised, Dorie doesn't say anything about what you two talked about.
"You're doing great Dorie," says Addison.
"Let me know if there's anything else you need me to check on-" you say to Addison.
"I think we're all good here," Addison smiles. She's really happy this morning, you've noticed. You hope it's because you had a sleepover, but she's really chipper. You can read her really well now. And that's how you know that there's something else going on.
"So, do you want to come over later…?" You ask Addison really nervously.
"Oh, Meredith," Addison gives you a soft look, and you know she's about to let you down easy.
"Oh, if you're busy, sorry, never mind…" you mumble.
"Listen, I'd love to, but ummm… I actually have a date tonight. Derek asked me out for the first time in… Gosh, ages. It's out of character for him these days, I wonder what's gotten into him," Addison smiles.
You try your very best to put on a brave smile and gush about how cool it is while your heart feels as though it's being ripped in a million pieces. You knew this could happen. They are a couple after all, and there was nothing to say that you had a monopoly on Addison's time.
"Well umm, have a good night then," you nod, and you look away so she can't see you're upset.
"Great," Addison says, and she pauses before she leaves. She looks back with another smile before she walks away again.
Dorie gives you a sympathetic look, and then you really do burst into tears.
"She's going out with him. And I should be rooting for her, but I'm not, and I'm a terrible friend," you cry.
"Hey, you're hardly terrible," says Dorie.
"What kind of friend gets angry that their friend is going on a date!?" You mumble.
"Have you considered that maybe… That you want Addison to be more than just your friend?" Dorie asks you.
"That's- she's married. She doesn't want me. She wants him. She came all the way from New York to get him back. And even if we hang out and have great times together, I don't want to break them up like that. I didn't mean to be a homewrecker, I'm not gonna be one again," you sniffle.
"It's hard to control what the heart wants," says Dorie.
"I know," you sigh. "And I'm such a mess," you say as you leave Dorie some time to chat with her babies.
You wander the halls, listless, not even excited to be scrubbing in on a surgery, and pretty soon it's lunch time, and you feel like a zombie.
"So, are we leaving you to have another sleepover with your platonic girlfriend tonight?" Izzie teases.
"Oh, and maybe you'll even go to the bedroom this time," teases George.
"Dude, maybe they'll do it in the kitchen, mix things up a little," says Alex.
"You're a pig," says Cristina.
"You're all wrong," you deadpan. "Addison has a date tonight. So feel free to stop making fun of me whenever you want to," you growl.
"And this date is not with you, I'm guessing?" says Cristina softly.
She's eyeing you, and she can tell you're upset, and her compassion just makes you want to break down again.
"No. It's with Derek," you frown.
"So McDreamy's shacking up again. Does this mean we can finally get some sleep at night again?" Alex snickers.
"Don't," you pout.
"Oops, too soon," says Alex.
"Like you were woken up anyway," says Izzie. "You sleep like a rock."
"Do you want me to bring over tequila?" asks Cristina.
"Yes, please," you sigh.
"Oh no, not this again," says George. "I'm never going to get any sleep either way."
You see Addison in the hallways a few times in between now and dinner time, and each time she waves and smiles at you, and you have to stiffen your lip to smile back.
Her eyes are sparkling, but yours are prickling with tears.
You're jealous.
You won't admit it to your friends or anyone, but you are. You've grown attached to this perfect redheaded goddess, and now that you've had time with her to yourself you don't want to see her with anyone else. She's not yours to claim, or to miss, but the feelings are there anyway, and they're not moving an inch, no matter how much you try to shove them away.
Before she leaves for her date, Addison comes to find you, and she hugs you, and she holds you tight but it's not the same. It doesn't feel the same when you know she's going off with him, that you're not her first choice, and that you can never tell her.
"Have a good time," you say encouragingly as you squeeze her hand one last time.
"Thanks, Meredith," Addison says with her hair weaving down her face, and her skin glowing. A part of you hopes that Derek makes her feel great again, and a part of you hopes that she gets over him so that she can be with you.
It's ugly, and you need alcohol, so you head home so that you and Cristina can have some.
"So are you finally going to talk about what's going on between you and McHot now?" Cristina asks you as she passes you the bottle.
You're taking shots right from it, sitting on the kitchen counter while you squirt the lime right from the half.
"There's nothing to say. She's with Derek. There, I said it. She's with Derek," you sigh.
"Can you see what's wrong with that sentence?" Cristina asks you.
"What are you, some shrink?" You frown.
"I'm just stating the obvious here," Cristina smiles.
"Well, I hate you for it," you tease.
"No you don't," says Cristina.
"So maybe I don't, but I gotta hate somebody," you take another shot, and you feel it burn as it hits the back of your throat.
"You can hate Burke with me," Cristina offers.
"Oh, what did he do?" You ask her.
"He wants to have a relationship," says Cristina.
"And you don't want that?" Meredith asks her.
"He's a bit controlling, and I like that in the O.R but in our personal life I'm not sure," says Cristina.
"Boys really are stupid," you sigh.
"Amen to that," says Cristina.
It's a few hours and another few shots or so later when you hear a knock on the door.
"I'll get it, it's probably Alex," says Cristina.
"Probably forgot his key again," says Meredith.
"Or maybe it's George, and Alex is out with Izzie," Cristina shrugs.
"Probably," you say without bothering to hop off the counter.
"Addison?" Cristina asks, as she opens the door for the redhead.
"Umm, hi. Is Meredith there?" Addison asks her.
"She's in the kitchen. But why are you here?" Cristina asks her while waving her tequila bottle at her.
"Okay, whoa. I'm not here to attack anyone if that's what you mean," says Addison.
"Okay, but what game are you playing here with her? Because she gave up her boyfriend for you, and she's being really good about the fact that you're not here watching TV with her while you're living your wilderness-y-life so this better be good," says Cristina.
"Let her come in, Cristina. It's raining," you bellow.
"It is," says Addison.
"Okay. Well, if it's raining you can put your shoes on the porch," says Cristina.
"Sure. I mean all of the other shoes are on the floor, but I'll put mine on the porch," Addison chuckles.
"Addie?" You sway a little as you come greet her.
You bypass Cristina, and you give her a drunken hug, Addison holds you up, and you don't care that your shirt's getting wet from her coat. You're just happy she's here, even though you're not sure why she would be.
"Hey, Meredith," says Addison.
"Why are you here? Why are you not with McDreamy?" You ask her.
"It ended kinda early. I thought I'd bring you dinner, and I don't really call him McDreamy," Addison offers, holding out a takeout box.
"Ooh, this looks yummy," you say as you move to put it on the counter, and you fall over, so Addison helps you up off the floor.
"So why are you really here?" Cristina asks Addison suspiciously.
"We broke up," says Addison, and your eyes shoot up, nearly out of your head.
"You- what!?" you shriek dramatically.
"We started talking, but it just wasn't working. It wasn't fitting, and we weren't happy. So we broke up," says Addison.
"So you're getting McDivorced," you slur.
"Yes, something like that," says Addison.
"Did you tell him why?" Cristina asks her, always right to the point.
"I umm- I like someone else," Addison says carefully.
"Like you have a cruuuuuuuush?" You slur.
"Maybe," Addison blushes.
"And let me guess, you're here to confess your undying love for her?" Cristina butts in.
"Well-" Addison bites her lip and looks down at the floor.
"Cristina, let her talk," you grumble.
"Cowards," Cristina teases, as she picks up the tequila bottle. "You two have fun. I'm gonna call myself a cab," says Cristina. "And you-" Christina whispers to Addison. "She's had a lot to drink tonight, so no taking advantage," she says pointedly.
"I can hear you," you whine.
"Goodnight platonic girlfriends," Cristina smirks on her way out.
"My friends are so silly," you say.
Addison just laughs.
"So are you gonna tell me who your big crush is on?" You ask Addison.
"I don't know if this is a good time," Addison says nervously.
"Come on, it's now or never. The world could end tomorrow," you say exasperatedly.
"I just don't want things to change between us," says Addison.
"Yeah, unless it's good things," says Meredith.
"Maybe I need a night to sleep on it," says Addison.
"You can sleep on me in the process," you offer semi-coherently.
"That sounds nice," says Addison.
"We can be in my bed this time," you offer.
"That sounds more comfortable," says Addison.
"It's upstairs," you point.
"Got it," says Addison.
"I'm glad you're here," you smile, and you walk over to hug Addison. She still smells like apricots, and everything amazing, and you inhale deeply before you let her go again.
"So am I."
***** END OF CHAPTER 5