Chapter 5: Conference

Some time ago, back when the Organization was mostly made up of non-time-travelers, occasionally a thorough round of hazing would occur. To basically anyone. By Xemnas.

-X-

"Greetings," Xemnas greeted his four compatriots currently present in the air-conditioned meeting room. "I have called the four of you to this meeting today…within this room Where Nothing Gathers…to discuss an important topic…involving castle etiquette." He glared directly at Axel. Axel sank in his chair. And so, he continued, "Someone has been smoking inside the castle."

"Axel did it," Xaldin ratted him out.

"Oh, just 'cuz I'm the guy with flame powers doesn't mean I'm smoking!" Axel grumbled. "I don't even like cigarettes!"

"I wasn't talking about tobacco," said Xemnas.

Axel laughed nervously. "Okay—I'm sure plenty of people smoke the green drugs around this castle. I think I even saw a dusk lighting up before I got here. Also, how 'bout some proof before you go around accusing—"

"We found this baggie tied to your doorknob," Xemnas interrupted, producing said baggie filled with green herbs.

Slapping his face, Axel huffed, "Demyx…you freakin' moron!"

"Are you saying you commissioned Demyx to retrieve these drugs?" Xemnas's glare was subzero.

Xigbar chimed in, "Wuh-oh. Better cough up the truth now, Axel."

"So, what?! I scored some herbs offa Demyx! What's the big deal? I'm not hurting anyone!"

Xemnas shook his head. "On the contraire—Xaldin stubbed his toe while confiscating it. Technically, you have orchestrated collateral damage."

"Uh…excuse me, what? That's utter bullsh—"

Luxord jumped in, "Oh, listen. Now he speaks of udders and bulls. Perhaps we should drop him off at a farm to satiate his bovine fetish."

Axel suddenly encased himself in orange flames, growling unsettlingly, "Youfilthybat-rastard—youthinkyou'refunnywithyourdumbjokes?!

Meanwhile, Xemnas inquired, "Does anyone know of any nearby farms…?"

"I haven't seen any," Xaldin replied. "But we are going to kill him, right?"

Axel stood up and screamed, "I wish you would, you motherf—!"

"—Flipper," said a content Luxord. "See? Now it's like he didn't even swear."

"I HATE YOU GUYS SO MUCH!" angry, angry Axel revealed.

Xemnas wagged a finger. "Hey, you stop that. No emotions allowed."

Seconds away from scorching the place, Axel bellowed, "I'M GONNA BURN ALL OF YOU TO A (EXPLETIVE) CRISP!"

"Sheesh, what's his problem," Xaldin casually made it worse.

"Buzzkill," Xigbar chimed.

"Calm your tender breasts," Xemnas commanded. And then, before lobbing the baggie down to the pissed off flame-head, he added, "It seems you'll be needing this after all."

Catching the baggie, a confused, short-circuiting Axel sputtered, "But I—you guys, I hate—(expletive) it, I wanna kill…" And so, it happened, that Axel burst out weeping uncontrollably right before teleporting out of there.

And then the remaining Organization members erupted in laughter at Number VIII's expense.

"Oh-ho, my sides are splitting!" Xigbar cried, weeping tears of merriment.

"Quite a donkey, that Axel!" Xaldin also cheered.

Getting serious again, Xemnas commanded, "Settle down, brethren. Next on the agenda, let us work to invite the attention of attractive females to our luxurious estate."

"Hell yeah!" Xaldin cheered.

"All, right!" Xigbar cheered even louder.

Suddenly slamming his fist on the high seat he occupied, Xemnas reprimanded, "You are not to show emotions. The female invitation endeavor is cancelled."

"Dammit," Xaldin grumbled.

"He did the same thing last week," Xigbar complained.

The head honcho continued, "Next on the agenda. Saïx's Induction Day is coming up, and I was thinking about awarding us all a trip to the beach."

Visibly holding back excitement, Xigbar uttered in strained monotone, "Yes, that sounds freaking awesome, sire."

"Hmmmm…" Xemnas watched his second in command closely, making deadly sure that no emotions protruded from the sweating, shaking man's face. Satisfied, he said, "Xigbar, I'd like for you to take charge of this beach trip…"

Letting some excitement trickle through, Eyepatch squealed, "Oh, yeah?"

"…in making sure that it is properly funded. Head to Twilight Town and take part in odd jobs until we have enough spendable income for pretzels and watermelon."

"Son-of-a-BITCH."

"Get started now, Xigbar."

Xiggy sighed, mumbled, "Fine," and then teleported elsewhere.

Xemnas continued, "And Xaldin…"

"Yes, my lord," he replied emotionlessly.

"I am commissioning you to garner adequate female attention until Saïx's Induction Day at the beach, that way we can show off our summer bodies to a 'properly proportioned' audience."

Instantly excited by that proposal, Xaldin was all like, "Uh, er, yes, my lord! Right away, my lord—!"

"But first, I shall have you take a mandatory sexual harassment seminar, as well as a series of training videos on female empowerment. And I also want you to show up in person to a TED Talk this Wednesday, and I'll let you guess the subject and the contents."

Deflated to practically nothing, Xaldin growled, "…F(Expletive)."

"That is all."

After Xaldin teleported away, Luxord burst out laughing, followed by Xemnas himself, who really tried to hold it all in but ultimately failed. Finally, he got it out of his system, then saying, "Luxord, go make sure Marluxia is still scrubbing toilets."

The gambler's features went cold. "I'd rather die."

"I see. Then how about you and I obliterate some spendable income at the strip club?"

"Yahtzee, man, let's do it."