Before I begin to Live
(Chexton series)
Chapter 5: Findings in the Aftermath
The past half hour had been enlightening for Ethan. During the time he and April had been together, he didn't know much about her… more importantly, he didn't ask. In fairness, she didn't know much about him because he wouldn't tell her, but she DID ask. His unwillingness created a disconnect that permeated their relationship and now the woman he loved was unsure she was what he wanted.
"Yes, April, I am sure." She wasn't convinced. "My relationship with Cicely was amazing, and I had great expectations, but that doesn't mean I'm searching for another Cicely!" Ethan knew what he wanted to say, but it wasn't coming out like he wanted. "God, I'm horrible at this," he huffed in anger.
"It's ok, Ethan. Relax. You don't have to talk about it." Ethan knew that tone, but didn't understand what it meant until today. She was 'letting it go'- accepting he wouldn't tell her, because he was holding back.
"No, it's not. Let me try again. Cice and I were great together, but what I know is, with you, I've experienced that same love and then some." She smiled slightly, and he relaxed. "Like her, loving and being loved by you, has opened me up. But unlike her, with you I have a safe space to be vulnerable; a peaceful place to dwell; a HOME- in the fullest sense of the word. She showed me what love was, but YOU taught me how to do it… how to love. I'd never trade that for anything," he smiled reassuringly kissing her hand.
April didn't realize how much she needed to hear it. The fact he insisted on explaining himself, without her begging, gave her hope for their future. "Thanks for explaining, but do you really think we can get pass this?"
"Yes. Look, there ARE things we need to work through, but if we can find a way to come to each other first… be that person we run to and lean on, I KNOW we'll be great," he answered.
"I think so too, especially if we put in the work," she paused. "My real question is if you think you can forgive me for kissing Crockett?" Once again Ethan withdrew from her grasp. This was her fear. "Wait. I'm not saying I think we should go back like nothing happened. But I need to know you'll forgive me and allow me the opportunity to earn your trust again. If you can't, there's no need to go forward." His expression was a combination of pain and contemplation.
"I tried to blame Crockett, but he wasn't the problem. I blamed you, saying, I wasn't what you wanted- but as you said today, that wasn't true either. So, how can I just blame you? You tried to tell me my eagerness was pressuring you, yet I wasn't listening. I got mad when you wouldn't explain yourself, like when you told me you weren't sure you wanted to have kids, instead of asking why you felt that way. The problems were both our faults, it just manifested in you kissing him. So, yes, I forgive you. Can you forgive me and allow me to earn your trust again?" She nodded, while tears fell from her eyes.
"Of course, I forgive you and thank you for acknowledging I didn't get here alone. But now, I need and deserve a partner who opens up and shares his feelings with me; shows me how much I mean to him, and not just in bed, so I'm secure; a partner who isn't disappointed if I can't meet their standards. I'll always give a perfect effort, but can't guarantee I'll be perfect and I need my partner to be ok with that." He nodded. "What do YOU need Ethan?"
Ethan hadn't expected her to ask. "The same. Although, I also need a partner who allows me time to open up and share, as it's not my go to. Can you deal with that?"
"Yes," she replied with joy in her smile, the first he'd seen that day.
"Do you have an idea of how we achieve Chexton 3.0?" he asked with a little chuckle.
"Chexton 3.0?" she giggled. "I do, but it'll require us to go back." Ethan's brow furrowed. "I propose we go back to being friends." April stilled his immediate protestation. "I'm just saying we need to get to know these new, self-aware versions of ourselves without pressure."
"Just friends? Are we gonna date other people?" He was noticeably upset.
"Ethan, why are you upset?" He initially pushed away, but when he saw her head drop, he realized this was what she was talking about. He needed to open up.
"I'm upset because I'm afraid it's your way to find someone better while you're stringing me along." April curled her finger and motioned him to lean forward.
"Thank you for being honest. I don't want anyone else. I want you exclusively, but I want to explore the other parts of our lives. I mean, I think we had issues because we spent 95% of our lives together and we took each other for granted. Maybe if we spent time with friends, or sharing our hobbies, we'd appreciate our time with each other. Understand?" Choi nodded in agreement. "I want us to yearn to be with each other, not out of routine, but because it's our choice."
"I'm with you. We've got to put in the effort to continuously show our love for each other, otherwise insecurities creep in… and others."
"Exactly." This time April pulled away. "I have one request. Can we go slow?" He was confused. "Being in your arms; feeling your lips on mine, on my body; your very touch, excites me in ways I never knew existed until I met you. But I want to KNOW, our desire to be together is a complete- mental, emotional, and physical connection. Friends, companions, and lovers… true partners. Still interested?"
Looking her squarely in her eyes, Ethan leaned in, kissed her cheek, and whispered "100%. How do you feel about pool?"
"Why," she asked intrigued by his question.
"It was something I liked to do, but haven't done in years. Might be a good place to start."
"I'm free Tuesday or Wednesday."
"Tuesday. You need a good rest before your surgery Thursday." She blushed- he was making her the priority. "I'll send you the info."
Tuesday morning, April received his "good morning, thinking of you" text, and he told her to meet him at "Billiards 9" at 7. When she arrived, she found him waiting at the bar. Dark jeans, crimson shirt- she loved him in bold colors. Ethan liked her in gold, so her canary yellow top, fitted jeans, and gold hoops seemed logical.
"Hey," he smiled, looking her up and down. She guessed he enjoyed her choices as well. "I booked a table, but didn't know if you wanted to eat before or after."
"Why not eat while we play?"
"Only drinks are permitted at the tables," he responded.
She smiled mischievously. "Huh," she replied stepping up to the bar. "Reg!"
The bartender quickly turned and waved wildly. Ethan wanted to ask, but he didn't. "Trust me," she said.
"Hey Reg! Is Tom here?"
"Yeah."
"I need a favor." When April turned, she saw he was becoming upset. "What's wrong?" she asked confused at his reaction.
"Who's Tom?" Ethan's tone said he thought 'Tom' was a past love, but before she could explain, Tom arrived.
"Brazzi?!" the lady shouted quickly hugging April. Ethan felt stupid… a woman and friend.
"Tom! It's good to see you. The place looks great," April stated looking around. Then she reached for Ethan, interlocking their hands. "Tom, this is uh…," she paused attempting to determine how to introduce him, "uh, my… Ethan. Ethan Choi, my dear friend Tomasine Fleming."
"Nice to meet you," he responded shaking her hand. After a little small talk, April asked her favor.
"Tom, is it possible to get a 'reserve'? We left the hospital and haven't eaten all day."
Tom asked Ethan for his table chip, and when she returned, all had been arranged. "You've got a reserved table on the 3rd floor. They'll take your orders there." The ladies hugged again and April promised to visit Tom's grandmother soon. Tom showed them the elevator, observing their interlocked fingers. "Brazzi? You know you're gonna have to bring him too, right?" April nodded laughing as they boarded the elevator.
"Bring me where," he asked.
"Huh? Oh sorry," she stated as she tried to remove her hand. "I didn't realize I'd done that."
"Don't apologize." She smiled weakly as he firmed up his grip. "Now, what was she talking about?"
"She was telling me I have to introduce you to her grandmother, Ms. Marguerite. She's kind of the matriarch of my old neighborhood."
Approaching the bar, April squealed, running to hug a tall, muscular man. Ethan was experiencing all kind of feelings. "Ethan, come here!" she called reaching out for him. "I want you to meet Thomas… Tom, Tomasine's husband."
"Nice to meet you." Ethan smiled.
"Table 325, is set up for you already- you have the room to yourselves." April was confused.
"Not one of these," she asked pointing to the rows of tables.
"You haven't been here since we remodeled." April shook her head. "We built rooms, with tables and eating areas for private gatherings. Those not paying for the treatment, eat in the dining area."
"Wow, I'm proud of you guys." Thomas thanked her and led them to their room.
"My wife wanted you two to enjoy yourselves," he chuckled as he left the couple obviously enjoying the skyline water view.
"So, you ready to get beat?" Ethan asked.
"I haven't played in a while, but I can hold my own. Rack 'em," she answered grabbing a stick from the wall.
As they ate, Ethan commented on her skill. She was good, better than he expected. April explained she used to play at a neighborhood pizzeria, growing up.
"How did you get so good?" she inquired.
"In boot camp. One of the guys said it helped with marksmanship, so I tried it and loved it. It was good mental work and kept me sane when things got hard. This was one of the first places I found when I arrived in Chicago," he shrugged. "And the food was awesome; which apparently hasn't changed."
After 2 games they were tied. April broke and looked like she might sweep the table, but one miss and it was all over. She watched her date clean up, realizing he'd been holding back as evident by the jumped ball bank shot.
As they prepared to leave, Ethan asked about her availability on Saturday. She hated saying no, especially considering his disappointment, but she had already committed her time.
"I'm helping with a health screen drive in my old neighborhood. Many are indigent, so my mom and I coordinate a drive every 6 months." He'd no idea she did this, even while they were together.
"Can I help?" She was surprised at the offer. "What? I'm off."
"I'd love it if you came. We could use more doctors."
"Sound good. Let me know when and where," he stated with a wink, as he walked her to her car.
Saturday went off without a hitch, and Ethan was a big hit. Though not together most of the day, they seemed to stay in each other's sight line. April hadn't told her family about the broken engagement, so she was mortified when her mother introduced Ethan as her soon to be son-in-law. He didn't correct her, so she tried to see that as a good sign. Later, she found him with Ms. Marguerite and Monique. "Hey guys! Are you taking care of my GeMa- Ms. Marguerite?"
"Tutu!" the elderly woman hollered. "Hey baby! Yes, they takin' good good care of me," she smiled. "And this husband of yours," she paused winking at April, "girlie, if I was 40 years younger, I'd steal him away. You don't find men who know the body like a doctor," she stated suggestively amidst the group's laughter.
"GeMa! Behave!" April glanced at Ethan bashfully. "Yes ma'am, there aren't many like Dr. Ethan Choi," she remarked slyly.
"No there's not, suga," the woman agreed staring at Ethan. "Doc, have you ever seen my Tutu dance?" Before he could respond, April jumped in.
"No ma'am. He's never seen me. So, how's she doing?" she answered quickly, trying to steer the conversation in another direction.
Ms. Marguerite ignored her attempt. "Dr. Choi, you should see her dance- our little ballerina… That's why I call her Tutu- my late husband gave her that name. Tutu, you should dance for him one day." She smiled, walking away slowly with Monique's help.
April handed him a water. "Thanks for entertaining her. She's important to me and the neighborhood." He nodded conciliatorily. "Oh, and I apologize for the 'son-in-law', 'husband' talk. I haven't told my family about our engagement yet." She dropped her head in shame.
"It's fine. I don't mind. I mean, if we're gonna make this about us, no one needs to know anything until we make a final decision. Yes?" She kissed his cheek, grazing the corner of his mouth.
"Yes. I agree." She's the only person who's smile affected him so.
"I love you April," he blurted uncontrollably. Initially in shock, she kissed him sweetly.
"I love you Ethan," she grinned, "but, I don't want to stop discovering all the things I missed about you. Is that ok?"
"I don't want to stop either, but I promised to not hold back. I felt it and I wanted to tell you." She nodded in understanding. "So…. Tutu?"
"I can't believe she told you about that. She and her husband, Mr. Paul, used to encourage my dancing when I was a child, because she'd been a dancer. They even paid for my lessons when my parents couldn't. During the summers, we'd have block parties, and they'd ask me to dance for them." She relished the memories. "The last time I danced was for their 50th wedding anniversary. The neighborhood surprised them and I danced to their wedding song- 'Misty' by Ella Fitzgerald. Mr. Paul just hugged me and cried, saying I reminded him of his baby doll." She began to tear up. "He died the following year, and I haven't danced since. That was 7 years ago."
Ethan comforted her. "You gave them a great gift- it still brings her joy to this day. That's beautiful." The rest of the day they served the community side by side.
During their weekly morning coffee, Ethan requested her company on Friday night, but he wouldn't tell her where they were going. She wasn't sure why they were at the auditorium, until she saw The Alvin Ailey Dance Theater was performing. "After learning how much you loved dance, I found out they'd be in town. I hope it's ok."
Without hesitation, April grabbed the back of his head and kissed him passionately. "It's more than ok," she answered removing a tear from her cheek. "Thank you."
"I'm glad it makes you happy. Ready?" Wiping the lipstick from his mouth, she wrapped her arm in his and as they strolled into the building… into their new beginning.