Well done to everyone out there struggling with things they don't talk about. Well done to everyone who wakes up everyday even if they don't want to. You can do this :)
Rating: M; 18+ (I can't exactly moderate whether you all read it or not but I hope you read with caution and understand the weight of these topics and the severity following them all)
Warnings: talk of past emotional and physical abuse, self-harm, graphic depictions of self-harm, substance abuse, foul language, talk of depression, anxiety attacks, talk of anxiety, mild suicidal thoughts. (for the whole book not for separate chapters)
Disclaimer: A) All these characters are OOC, I also own nothing. RIB own Glee and the characters. I do not own the song. The song is called 'DNA' and it is by 'Lia Marie Johnson'.
Please read this with caution especially if you get easily triggered from topics like this.
Dark as midnight
Six pack Coors Light
You don't look the same
Past my bedtime
Blue and red lights
Come take you away
Mr. Schuster had called The Warblers to have a meeting after they had made a plan to save the arts. Sebastian didn't have the balls to enter the choir room though, so instead, he entered the auditorium and stationed himself behind one of the pianos. It had been awhile since he last sang or even played any musical instrument. He might as well take the time to appreciate them whilst he had the chance to.
Hate to see you like a monster
So I run and hide
Hate to ask, but what's it like to leave me behind?
Thad had been very attached to the teen after that night at Dalton almost two weeks ago. Rightfully so, though, considering he had been getting worse for cutting himself. Thad knew he was trying, but there had been days where he really struggled to believe it. Sebastian needed professional help, even if he wouldn't admit it.
I won't be, no, I won't be like you
Fighting back, I'm fighting back the truth
Eyes like yours can look away
But you can't stop DNA
No, you can't stop DNA
Kurt had been worried when Sebastian didn't enter the choir room with the others. Although he would never admit to it, he was getting more and more concerned for the teen. After excusing himself to the toilets, singing from the Auditorium caught his attention and his mind immediately went towards Sebastian. Entering the room, he wasn't surprised to see The Warbler Captain stationed at a piano, singing his heart out. As much as he hated to admit it, he was an incredible singer. A lot better then some of the New Directions.
Hate to say hello 'cause I know that it means goodbye
Hate to ask, but what's it like to leave me behind?
The New Directions member listened closely to the lyrics, feeling oddly connected to them. He didn't know why but he was feeling a sort of bond towards the teen on the stage, one that he wasn't angry with.
I won't be, no, I won't be like you
Fighting back, I'm fighting back the truth
Eyes like yours can look away
But you can't stop DNA
No, you can't stop DNA
Maybe it was from how touching the song was. Maybe it was from knowing what it's like to be left without any hesitation or no reason. He didn't know what the exact reason was, maybe it was a bit of both, but still, he began making the trek towards the stage, his eyes not moving from the occupant hunched in front of it, tears flowing down his face and onto the keys.
Are the pieces of you
In the pieces of me?
I'm just so scared
You're who I'll be
When I erupt
Just like you do
They look at me
Like I look at you
Kurt was speechless at the amount of emotions coming out of Sebastian as he sang. He knew from Blaine that according to Thad, Sebastian's walls had been slowly coming down but maybe, just maybe, they were finally seeing the boy hidden beneath his snarky attitude; the kid who had been damaged at such a young age he couldn't comprehend just how badly he had been hurt so he covered it all up, pretending as if he was okay when really, all he wanted to do was finally understand why he feels the way he does. He had been overwhelmed for such a long time that he numbed himself, knowing that if he let his emotions out he'd lose complete control over them and he needed control on something in his life.
I won't be, no, I won't be like you
Fighting back, I'm fighting back the truth
Eyes like yours can look away
But you can't stop DNA
No, you can't stop DNA
Sebastian seemed to have completely broken down in front of the piano. Kurt approached the teen hesitantly, not knowing if there were any boundaries around him being in a situation like this. The New Directions member took a leap of faith and pulled him into a hug, tightly embracing him. He could feel Sebastian attempt to weakly pull away but he didn't even get out of the grip so he stopped resisting, letting Kurt rock them both gently.
The Warbler Captain didn't know why he let himself trust whoever was holding him. He didn't know this person, he couldn't tell from their clothing or their sprays that they put on whereas with Thad or Wes or any of the Warblers he'd be able to tell before they had even touched him.
They had been there in the Auditorium for hours it felt like. It wasn't until an hour later that Sebastian finally and reluctantly pulled away, not even bothering to wipe the tears away. The New Directions member crouched down in front of him, trying to enter his eyesight. When he did, he could see the shock and how fast the teen's walls were already building up upon seeing his face. Sebastian still didn't trust him, even though he had just broken down completely in his arms.
"Bas," Kurt began, ignoring the glare Sebastian gave him for giving him a nickname, "Bas, what was that?"
Sebastian sniffed and wiped his eyes, "Fuck off"
Kurt looked surprised at what he said and contemplated whether or not it was even worth it. But Sebastian reminded him a lot of himself, not a snarky, narcissistic playboy but more as someone who was hurting, who hated getting attached to people and someone who hadn't had a true friend until the Glee Club came along.
"I know what it's like to have a war going on inside of you," Kurt began, gaining Sebastian's attention, "To have two complete opposite things arguing with each other"
"Your mind is powerful, but your heart is something that when it's attached, it's not letting go. Your mind may have control of your actions but your heart, that controls something much more powerful. It controls your soul. It's one of the most exhausting things having those two battling each other. Your mind wants you to act a certain way but your heart knows when to get involved. It does a lot more then just pump oxygenated blood around the body, it keeps you pure. Something that if you let your mind take over destroys your whole being"
"Blaine never said how fucking sad you can be when giving 'motivational speeches'" Sebastian commented, getting a smile to appear of Kurt's face. At least he had been paying attention.
"You've got an internal conflict, Bas," Kurt pointed out, "You need to resolve it"
"How?" Sebastian's voice was hoarse. It made Kurt wince, "How am I supposed to do that when I can't even control how I feel about myself?"
"And how do you feel about yourself?"
"I fucking hate myself," Sebastian cried, "There are days when I wish I wouldn't wake up but when I do I just.. I hate it. It hurts.. It really does. I know I shouldn't hate myself but how can I not? I'm a fucking waste of space, a worthless piece of shit who is overly sensitive after having a father who doesn't give a crap about them destroy them emotionally and physically and now he's on a warpath to destroy the only thing that gives me joy now.. how much more do I have to go through to prove to everyone that I'm strong? For how long do I have to suffer to help others? Kurt, I don't know how much more I can take of this.."
Kurt was dead silent. He hadn't expected this. He knew Sebastian was struggling with something, but this, this was something beyond the help he could give him. Sebastian needed proper help, he needed to have professional help. Of course he'd try his hardest to help him but this was something that could end up going very wrong. He couldn't deal with another Karofsky incident. He couldn't.
"We've got a plan," Kurt began. If he couldn't give Sebastian the help he needed, he'd at least help give him a way of blowing off some steam in a controlled way, "We can hopefully save the arts"
Sebastian bit the inside of his cheek as he listened to the plan. It was smart but he doubted it would work. He could feel his chest aching from the thought of standing against his father but his mind, it was screaming at him to not get involved. This was the conflict Kurt had mentioned; the one between his happiness and mental state.
"So, are you in?" Kurt asked him hesitantly. He could see the battle raging on Sebastian's face. He knew he was asking for him to stick his neck out for something like this but the arts needed him; they needed him.
"I'm in"