Authors Note: Ugh, I've got fucking writers block AGAIN! Sorry that this chapter is basically just a recount of Season 9, episode 6, The Death Of Eric Cartman, but I've got no ideas now, so this is the best I can do. I just got back from my holidays, where I got attacked by wasps and cut my hand open on some rocks, but overall it was pretty fun. Well anyways, please R/R and enjoy this shitty chapter.
Disclaimer: I do not own South Park or any of its characters or events or KFC. I don't even like KFC, lol.
When I arrive at the same old bus stop in the morning, Cartman isn't there.
"Hey Kenny, since Cartman's always a dick to us, we're all gonna ignore him. I got everyone in our grade in on the plan too" Kyle says to me. "And we were hoping you'd ignore him too, otherwise it won't work.
"So, will you?" Stan asks hopefully.
"Sure, why the fuck not. It is Cartman after all" I reply dolefully. I mean, what do I have to lose? Plus, I can gain some amusement out of his utter confusion as to what's happening, so that'll be cool.
"Well speak of the devil, it looks like the fat-ass finally decided to show up" Stan whispers under his breath so only we can hear him.
And he's holding a fucking bucket of KFC chicken wings.
Wow. I can't believe it. The dumb-ass actually thinks he's a fucking ghost! Just because we're all ignoring him! That retard is even stupider than I thought, and its hard to be much stupider than that. Actually, believe it or not, he can kind be a fucking evil genius when someone pisses him off.
I only found out the rest of the details about this fucked up event from Stan and Kyle, cause I died from laughter while looking at a video of Cartman dancing like a little piggy. Oh holy fuck that was hilarious, but anyway, back to the story.
One time in fourth grade, this kid, Scott Tenorman, sold him pubic hair, right? And he wouldn't give Cartman his money back. So Cartman came up with this plan to get that kid to come to a whole fucking carnival he made to have a chili contest. We all thought that he was just gonna train a pony to bite off the kids' dick, but it was much, much worse than that.
He made Scott's parents go to this farm to rescue that pony I mentioned earlier, but they got shot. Cartman then collected Scott's parents' bodies and made them into a chili. Scott already knew about the pony plan, thanks to Stan and Kyle, so he made a chili with pubic hair in it, which he intended to feed to Cartman. But Cartman already knew about that, so he swapped Scott's chili with Chefs. Cartman then fed the chili he made with Scott's parents to Scott!
I mean, come on! He made the poor kid eat his own fucking parents for God's sake! Then he made Scott's favourite band, Radiohead, humiliate him. And get this, while Scott was crying, Cartman licked his fucking tears of his face and drank them, like the fucking lunatic he is!
And that is the story of how fucked up Cartman is, but where was I again? Oh right, we were all ignoring him, making him think he was a ghost.
I guess Stan and Kyle didn't let Butters in on the plan, so now Butters thinks he's crazy and Cartman thinks he's haunting Butters. I guess no-ones bothered to tell Butters about what's happening either because it's been to funny watching Cartman 'haunt' Butters or we're just too lazy. Well, skip ahead three days to where we are right now.
Over the four days Cartman thought he was dead, he improved in his kindness, and did good deeds with Butters in an attempt to get into Heaven. He and Butters also rescued a bunch of hostages and got on the news (although no-one knew who they were).
Aaaaand then we told Cartman we were just ignoring him, so I think he's gonna try murder us all. Fun!
Ughhh, this chapter was so SHITTY! Well, it will get better, so please keep reading, even though this chapter might have discouraged you, the next is going to be waaaay better. Sorry that I haven't updated in a while, but I was on holidays, so yeah. Anyway, thanks for reading! :)