mild trigger warning

Chapter Five: Never Coming Home

"We need to keep an eye on Sirius," said James.

Peter looked at him, confused. "Any specific reason?"

"Yeah." James glanced over at Sirius, who was asleep, curled up on Remus's bed. "I, uh, I found him in the bathroom today. He had one of Remus's old blades." He ran a hand through his hair, sighing. "He said he wasn't going to do anything, but you know he doesn't cope well. He has so much anger, and he often takes it out on himself. You saw how he's been punching shit."

"Oh fuck," breathed Peter. "He didn't do anything, right? You checked?"

"I did," James nodded. "Also we need to stop him from getting in fights. He gets provoked so easily, especially when he's already not going great, and it's just another excuse to take anger out or get hit."

James pulled the blade out of his pocket, staring at it sadly. "Fuck," he whispered. "Oh, Remy." He waved his wand, Vanishing the blade.

Peter hugged him. "It'll all be ok."

"I hope so," said James. "I hope so."

"It has to be."

James looked at him, tears in his eyes. "I know, but… Remus."

Peter nodded sadly. "I know."

"Why didn't we see it? Why couldn't I have been there? I should have been there for him."

"You couldn't have known, James."

"I should have! He was one of our best friends. How could we not have noticed?"

"He was good at hiding it. Too good."

James sat down weakly on the edge of his bed, burying his face in his hands. "I miss him, Pete."

Peter sat down beside him, wrapping an arm around him. "I know, James. I do too. We all do."

James wiped away a few tears. "It hurts," he said softly. "Thinking about it, you know? Like what he was going through. How much pain he must have been in, to cut, to see that as his only escape."

"I know."

"Fuck, Remy." James trailed off, overcome with tears.

Peter was quiet. He held James while he cried. There was so little he could do, and he felt so fucking helpless. He couldn't help Remus, he didn't know how to help James. He would try to help Sirius, at least keep an eye out. But he didn't know shit about how to help them.

They were all grieving, and they all had their different ways to cope with grief. Sirius was definitely the most fragile. He wasn't great with dealing with his own emotions, and he had so much anger bottled up inside of himself. Peter was worried about what Sirius would do when it all got to be too much, when it finally exploded.

He sighed. The world was a fucked up place, and sometimes it took a terrible tragedy to realize that. He would give anything to have Remus back. He wondered what he would have done, if he had known what was going through Remus's mind.

He doubted there would be anything significant he could say or do. He could try, but he wasn't good at that sort of thing. Sirius was good at talking to Remus, and James was good at caring for people. But he was just Peter. And there was so little he could do.

He wasn't like Sirius and James, who were practically nobility. He didn't have their money or status or confidence or good looks. He wasn't Remus, who was insanely smart, incredibly empathetic, always on the lookout for people who needed help. He was an average student, with no outstanding qualities.

He felt like an outsider, no matter how much he was included. The others reassured him that he was one of their best friends, and that they fucking loved him, but there was always that little voice in his head, whispering that he would never be truly one of them.

Remus got it. He understood how Peter felt. Peter was pretty sure that Remus also felt like an outsider sometimes. But Remus was gone. And the bond between James and Sirius was so strong, and Peter was afraid that they would forget about him.

In the wake of Remus's death (fuck, it hurt so much to say that), they would either become much closer, or they would all drift apart. Peter prayed it would be the former. He couldn't get through this without them. He hoped they wouldn't drift away from him.

He knew Sirius would bottle things up, hide his emotions, try to push them away. He and James needed to keep trying, though. They had to get through this together. It was the only way they could really do it.

They would never fully recover. It would always be there, even just in the background. They would never forget. They would come to cope with it, but there would always be days when it would hit one of them, and they would be overwhelmed. But they would be there for each other on those days. They couldn't let this tear them apart.

Peter wiped his eyes, where a few tears had started to form. He hugged James tighter. James reciprocated the hug, and they just sat there, hugging and crying.

Sirius was drifting in and out of sleep. He was pretty sure he heard someone crying. Oh, fuck, what if it was Remus. He needed to help him. He had to be there for Remus.

He opened his eyes a little bit, but Remus wasn't there. James and Peter were sitting together on James's bed, crying. Fuck. That's right. Remus was gone. Sirius hadn't been there for him. He had sworn to be there for Remus, and he had fucking failed. He had fought with him instead. Remus had said he hated Sirius.

Sirius didn't know if he would ever really be able to forgive himself for that. He started crying again, turning his head and pressing his face into the pillow so that James and Peter wouldn't see or hear him.

It was Remus's bed, he realized. And that just made him cry harder. Because Remus was gone. And he was never coming home.

A/N:

i just wanted to say thank you so fucking much for your support and all your kind words and shit. it seriously means so much to me. like you have no idea. i know i'm just a person writing a story behind a screen, probably on the other side of the world for some of you, but you've genuinely impacted my life so much, and helped me so much, and i think of you all as friends.

i really was not doing great yesterday, and i ended up just sitting on my bed at like 10 pm reading your comments and crying bc ur literally all so amazing. i talk about you to my best friend all the time, and read her bits of comments and just ajsdhfkjaf. this is what i ended up texting her last night: "i can't i'm literally just sitting her crying bc of the comments on my latest chapter

holy shit i love my readers so much. they're all so kind and supportive and holy fuck i love them so much and they mean the world to me. what did i do how like what. fuck"

so just thank u. thank u for reading my story, thank u for taking the time to comment, thank u for being so genuinely amazing and accepting. u guys give me the motivation to keep going, to not relapse, to not do anything stupid. i'm so fucking grateful for u guys, and i have no idea what i did to deserve u all

take care, drink some water, eat some veggies, take ur meds. i love you all so much 3

ktf xolyn