He picks up on the second ring.
"Hey, Jenny!"
I can't control the smile that takes over my face when I hear his voice. "What's up, how was your first day?".
"Hey, it was um... actually not the best", I say quietly.
"I'm sorry, are you okay?", His tone changes.
We hadn't had a real conversation since we both left The Hamptons. Nate got home from his family trip a week ago, and between setting up our classes, and all the drama with our families, we hadn't gotten the chance to meet up.
To be fair, Nate called me the day after he got back and asked me if we could meet and talk. We were having a family brunch that day, so I used that as an excuse, but deep down I think I was just scared about having to talk about everything and what Nate would say.
Because most likely he would say it was a mistake.
"Um... not really", I say. "Can we meet?".
"Yeah of course, I'm hailing a cab as we speak", Nate says and I hear traffic and city noise in the background. "Where to?".
"I'm at the loft right now, but I can meet you closer", I say.
"No no, I'll come to you", Nate says and I hear the car door close and him tell the driver my address. "You're starting to scare me, you're okay right?".
"Yeah, yeah. I'm okay... just need to talk to you about something", I say sitting down on my bed.
"Okay, I'll be there in like 20 minutes, hang tight".
We hang up, and I get ready to have the conversation I've been dreading.
I already know Dan won't be home, he has late classes on Wednesday.
This is not how I thought I'd tell someone that I was pregnant. I thought I'd be married or in a committed relationship. And at least 25.
I don't even know what Nate will say.
Part of me doesn't even know why I'm telling him since I already have an appointment to end this whole thing anyway.
But then there's that voice in the back of my mind that says that he could help me, that I wouldn't have to do all of this alone.
And at the very least, he's the father, and deserves to know.
I think about what I'm gonna say. Playing out scripts in my head.
I'll just tell him. Yeah. No big deal right? I'm just telling him that he may be a dad.
I'll make sure to tell him there's no pressure on him, I'm just letting him know about it.
I hear a knock at the door.
"Hey", I open up the door.
I try not to show him how happy I am to see him. How the face I've studied in my mind each night is now here right in front of me.
He pulls me in for a hug immediately.
His smells like that Nate smells he always has. Non- descriptive I know. But I don't know how else to describe it.
"Everything okay?", he asks.
"Uh... not totally", I say, but move on. "I just noticed, I never asked how your first day was, how was it?".
"It was good, yeah, really good", Nate smiles. "Cool buildings, nice people, really different then high school which is nice".
"Yeah I can imagine".
"But I didn't come over to talk about Columbia", Nate pauses. "I'm really sorry Jenny".
We move to sit down on the couch. It reminds me of a couple months ago when Nate was sleeping on our couch until my dad and Dan made him leave.
Wonder what they'll do when they find out he got me pregnant?
"What?", I'm confused. "Sorry about what?".
"About the way I've treated you. You mean a lot to me, and I should've called you earlier...", Nate pauses.
"It's okay"
"No it's not okay", Nate objects. "I don't want you to think I just slept with you, and then didn't care".
We stared at each other for a moment.
I grab his hand which takes him by surprise.
"It's okay, really", I say. "I just, I don't know... assumed maybe you went off and met other girls. And I wouldn't have blamed you".
"Jenny. I didn't hook up with a single person", Nate lets out a laugh. "I spent most of my time in Rome sulking around while Tripp went out every night".
"Really?", I was surprised.
"I'm pretty sure my mom was about to lend me her Zoloft", Nate nods with a laugh.
I laugh and try to hide my smile.
"But that's not important... are you okay?", Nate squeezes my hand.
"Um... not re-"
I'm interrupted by Dan opening the door with Georgina. Kissing her.
Is this Opposite Day?
"Oh my god- Jenny", Dan says, realizing I'm here.
"Dan, what the hell?", I ask.
"Nate, Jenny!", Georgina gives us a smile that's more creepy than sweet. "So good to see you!".
Me and Nate look at each other, confused, but wave to Georgina warily.
"I thought you had class until 7?", I ask, kind of annoyed.
"Well um... I kind of- we kind of-", Dan starts.
"We skipped!", Georgina says excitedly looking at Dan. "I'll be in your room Dan, good to see you two!!".
"Yeah... you too Georgina", Nate says.
When Georgina is gone, me and Nate shoot Dan a look.
"What the hell man?!", Nate whisper screams.
"Yeah seriously?", I follow suit.
"I know what this looks like... but...", Dan trails off.
"But you're hooking up with Satan herself?", I ask, which exudes a laugh from Nate.
"She's not that bad guys", Dan argues. "Plus she likes me, it's not easy out here, I haven't met a girl since me and Serena were together last year".
We look at Dan and shake our heads.
"C'mon man. You know what I mean", Dan looks at Nate for help.
"Sorry Dan, I'm with Jenny in this one", Nate laughs.
"Okay well whatever guys. I'm sorry if I interrupted, I thought Jenny would be at Lily's place for dinner", Dan says.
"Well I'm supposed to go there soon", I look at the time on my phone.
"And Nate, what are you doing here?", Dan asks, confused.
"Nate's just helping me with my calculus homework", I say quickly. "You know how bad I am at math".
Dan looks confused for a moment, but seems to accept it.
"I didn't know you cared about calculus that much man", Dan says to Nate, shrugging. "Clearly I didn't know you well enough in high school".
"Yeah I love math", Nate says, and I almost laugh out loud, but I keep it in.
"Anyway me and Georgina will be in my bedroom", Dan walks off.
"Ew", I mumble.
The loft is small and suddenly my plan to tell Nate is derailed.
"You wanna go to my place?", Nate asks, understanding the look on my face.
I wanted to tell Nate now. Otherwise I knew I would chicken out.
"Sure, yeah. I'm sorry I made you come all the way out here", I say. "I didn't think Dan would be home".
"That's okay", Nate smiles.
"Yeah, yeah that would be good", I say. "I just want to go somewhere we can talk just you and me".
"Yeah, whatever you want", Nate seems to understand that what I need to tell him is serious.
We leave the loft and go outside to hail a cab. It's much harder to get a cab here than where Nate lives, but we get one.
Nate opens the door and I smile and get in.
"So how's Blair and Chuck?", I ask.
"They're okay, playing some weird games I think", Nate laughs. "You know Chuck and Blair. But I think they're good, finally realizing they should be together".
"Cool. Yeah I saw Serena last weekend, she seems to be doing better, staying out of the tabloids. Sounds like everyone is going to some party at Lily's this weekend", I say.
"Yeah, I'm supposed to go to that too, maybe we can hang out there", Nate smiles, "You're someone I actually want to see at those events".
I blush. But soon remember why we met up in the first place.
"Nate", I pause. "What I have to tell you is probably gonna be a shock".
I still had one of the tests in my purse, I'd show him that when we got to his place.
"Is everything okay?", he asks. "You're kinda scaring me".
I don't reply because we pull up outside the building of his apartment near school.
Nate pays the cab driver and we say thank you and get out.
"Yeah. Um, it's not really okay", we're outside now.
He puts his hand on the small of my back and guides me in.
"Okay don't worry, we'll sort it out", he says calmly.
I don't even know if it's something that can be sorted out.
Suddenly we're in the elevator and I can't keep it anymore.
"Whatever it is you can t-", Nate starts.
"Nate, I'm pregnant", I blurt out.
I didn't think I'd be this emotional but suddenly I feel tears spring to my eyes.
The expression and color drains from Nate's face as the elevator dings and the door opens.
I walk out of the elevator, Nate still standing still.
"Wait are you sure?", he asks in shock.
"Nate you have to get out of the elevator", I say pointing to the beeping light.
"Sorry yeah", Nate shakes his head and walks out, leading me down the hall to his door and fumbles for his keys in his pocket.
"And yeah I'm sure", I say softly.
He opens the door and we go in.
It's a plainly decorated place, not as lavish as Lily's or Blair's by any means, but also looks like somewhere an Archibald would be living, even if just for school.
"Do you- do you want something to drink", Nate stutters. "Or are you hungry- I- I have stuff in the pantry?".
It's rare to see the assuredness and confidence waver in Nate.
"No I'm fine", I say and walk over to his couch and sit down and he follows sitting across from me on a chair.
"I just-" Nate runs his hands through his hair. "It was like... one time".
"Yeah how do you think I feel?", I feel the tears stinging stronger. "I literally have sex once and this is what I get".
I put my head in my hands, but moments later feel fingers running down my back. Comforting me.
"I know, I know", I hear him say quietly and I look up from my hands over my eyes.
"But you're sure you took the test right and everything? What made you take it?", he asks.
I can see he's going through every avenue in his brain to try and work this out.
"Yes, Nate, I took the tests right. And I'm late, almost 3 weeks now. I'm nauseas every morning... not even every morning, almost every second of every day...", I babble. "I just know".
"Sorry yeah, obviously you know. When did you find out?", he asks quietly.
"Earlier today", I say. I pull the test out of my purse and hand it to him. "I took some tests and then went to Planned Parenthood and they took a blood test and confirmed it".
"I'm so sorry Jenny, this is all my fault", he looks down at the test.
"What? No it isn't", I protest.
I'm surprised with his reaction, but then another thought enters my mind.
"Do you think it was a mistake?", I croak out and my voice cracks.
"No", he says right away. "No I just...".
Nate gets up and comes to sit right beside me.
"It's just you're only 16, we probably should've waited. I'm just really sorry this is happening to you", he says taking my hand.
"I booked an abortion", I say quietly.
He lets go of my hand and positions himself so he's looking right into my eyes.
"You did?", he seems surprised.
"Yeah, I don't know... I haven't thought it through yet. I don't think it's even sunk in until right now, you're the only person that knows", I say.
"Really? You told me first?", he asks, the corner of his mouth curling into the smallest smile.
"Yeah... I mean you're the dad so", I say and for some reason that line is where the tears come.
Nate can tell and pulls my shaking self into his arms.
"Shh. It's okay", he whispers into my hair.
"You are the dad though", I say, just in case he has doubts. "I haven't slept with anyone else, and I wouldn't lie to you".
"Don't worry, I believe you", Nate nods pulling me back so we're facing each other.
"What are we gonna do? Do you want an abortion?".
"No, I don't", I say and wipe tears from my cheeks. "But I don't really want to have a baby at 16 either".
Nate runs his fingers through his hair again and sighs.
"I know. But I'm gonna be here no matter what okay? If you wanna have the abortion I'll be right beside you holding your hand", he says rubbing my arm. "But if you wanna keep this baby, I'll be there every step of way".
"Really?", my voice cracks again. "Because you don't have to. I'm not trying to ruin your life and everything you have going".
I mean that.
"Jenny, what are you talking about this? We're in this together", Nate says pulling my closer by my torso.
"Okay", I say softly.
"Oh my god, what are we gonna tell your dad and Dan?", it sinks in to Nate.
"Yeah I've been thinking about that too", I groan. "I know they want what's best for me, but they're not going to be happy".
"Yeah pretty sure Rufus will try to kill me", Nate half jokes.
"He likes you... it'll just take him some time", I say. "He's gonna be really hurt at first. I'm still his baby".
"Yeah I understand how he feels", Nate says and we lean into the couch together.
We sit for a while, hearing Nate's heartbeat and breaths in and out.
"Nate?", I ask after a while.
"Yeah?".
"Be honest with me, okay? What do you want?", I say quietly. "Because I don't know how to make this decision".
Nate pauses for a moment.
"I want you to be happy... I want you to do what's going to make you happy", he says. "And I want to be a good guy. I want to be a better guy than I've been".
"You're always a good guy", I mumble into his chest.
"See that's why I like being with you", Nate says with a small laugh. "You don't know me as Nate Archibald "golden guy" or the Upper East Side's "man whore".
"Well I'm sure I'll find a flaw in you soon enough", I laugh. "But I don't think you're like that... you're just Nate to me".
Nate smiles.
We sit like that for a long time until Nate breaks the silence.
"Thanks for telling me Jenny... I know it was hard to do", Nate says.
"Well, of course... even if the baby... or mass of cells", I correct myself, not wanting to create some relationship with it in my mind. "Even if it wasn't yours... I would come to you first. Because... I don't know... you're just the person I come to when something is wrong".
Nate's face breaks into a smirk.
"I'm happy to be", he brushes my bangs out of my eyes.
"What will your mom and dad say?".
Nate sighs.
"Well... I mean they probably won't be happy. But I'm almost 20, they can't really say anything", Nate says. "Besides my family is beyond messed up, this is the last thing they'll think about".
"You don't think they'll hate me?", I ask.
Nate looks me in the eyes, softening.
"No. Jenny, no. This isn't your fault. They're not going to say anything", Nate says, squeezing me. "And if they do, I'll say something".
I nod.
"What do you think your mom will say?", Nate asks.
"Well...", I think. "She's not going to be happy. But she kind of walked out of my life two years ago".
"Yeah you haven't really talked about her much".
"I know, I'm still upset with her... I don't know", I say.
"No, I know what you mean", Nate says. "I feel the same about my dad. I understand completely".
I smile.
"When I started a family, if I started a family... I wanted it to be different than the one I grew up in", I say. "Not that I don't appreciate my parents, it's just been hard with how everything played out".
"I feel the exact same", Nate sighs. "It's weird how similar we are sometimes".
"I know, I feel that too", I laugh and then pause "... I should probably go. My dad and Lily are having a dinner. Lily's finally back from her spa retreat. It's already 7".
I wriggle out of Nate's arms.
"Are you going to tell them?", Nate asks.
"I don't know... I was planning on it. But I think I want to know what I'm doing first", I say. "I want to have a clear plan, and right now my head is spinning".
"Yeah mine too", Nate laughs. "I can take you?".
"No it's okay, it's only a couple blocks from here", I smile.
"Jenny?", Nate asks as I gather my purse, putting the pregnancy test back in it.
"Yeah?".
"You can call me anytime okay?" Nate says.
"Okay, yeah I know", I smile.
"No I'm serious. Any day, any time, I'm just a call away", Nate says coming closer to me and grabbing my hands in his.
"I know", I whisper. "I'm going to think more about what's best... I've just had a really long day".
"Of course, I understand", Nate brings my hands up to his lips, pressing them against my knuckles. "And we'll tell your parents when you're ready".
I pull Nate in for a hug.
"Thanks for being here for me... again", I say.
"Jenny it's you and me okay? In this together".
I kiss him on his cheek.
We linger for a moment.
I don't want to make things complicated. There's still so much unanswered with Nate. Of course I feel something for him. I always do.
"Okay", I say, my breath catching in my throat.
I promise to text Nate later.
Now I have to face my family. I'm not ready to tell them yet, and honestly want nothing more than to just collapse in my bed at the loft.
But alas, in a cab to the Upper East Side I go.