The palm trees and the beaches were sumptuous, everywhere she looked was a potential postcard; but the postcards turned to wallpaper, and the wallpaper in time became something she no longer noticed. Six months in, she was still completely and unavoidably herself. The work was exactly what she expected; challenging but not a labyrinthine quest of emotion. Demanding but not something that engaged her whole self. Most of her time was spent explaining concepts she was more than familiar with to people who already understood them, just needed it rubber stamped by an outsider with the right credentials. There were meetings, presentations, workshops. Her life had turned into one long Ted talk. Large chunks of time were put aside for developing framework documents. A task she could happily carry out on the beach while the kids ran riot. Or in the spacious apartment overlooking the luscious landscape. She was right about the peace, about the attention she could give the kids. But there was a lot she hadn't anticipated.
Her colleagues were kind and looked up to her. They had obviously been told that she was a legal genius, that she was not to be messed with. And she felt conversations in a room stop or change in tone when her presence was observed. So far so normal, she was a well known powerhouse back home too. But over time, people generally found their way to approaching her, to relaxing to the degree that they could be themselves and engage in a more jolly vein of conversation. It would have been nice to experience some of the humour that came with her roles back home, the gentle mockery from peers comfortable enough to laugh about situations as they turned pear shaped. She even missed Owen. Office 'banter' wasn't a feature of her life here and never seemed to develop. She longed for someone who shared a similar humour, would have forgiven all of the 'ice queen' text messages in the world in exchange for a gentle prod. It was really surprising, the things about a culture that you missed.
She also learned that it took her roughly six months to process and really understand how she felt about any given situation. The lag was inconvenient. She knew she was going to miss Bianca, but when she looked back at those few precious months with her, she was enchanted all over again by the memories, unclear as to why she thought it would be so easy to box off her feelings; like they were the detritus of a house move, to be opened, unchanged, at a later date. What had started as twice weekly phone calls turned to weekly attempts. Bianca had taken up the undercover operation with the Intelligence department, was appointed Detective Inspector, in her absence had happily drowned herself in work. Although Bianca explained to her that she might not always be able to pick up her phone, Janet still felt irrationally annoyed when she didn't answer. When Bianca told her how she felt about this on one occasion, with a cutting remark that she was the one who chose to move thousands of miles away, they didn't speak for three whole weeks. Janet felt panicked at her inability to control the situation from her current location. She couldn't pop over with food or wine, couldn't look at her and touch her in the way that would have repaired any of their previous misunderstandings.
She was trying to get hold of Bianca and explain her attempt at a peace offering. She had booked her tickets for her first visit home. She thought it was going to ring out again, was delighted when an obviously tired Bianca picked up.
"Hey."
"Hey. It's me. How are you? How are things?" Janet said.
"Yeah fine. I was just asleep. I keep some strange hours at the moment. But things are going well. At work. How are the kids?" She rubbed some sleep from her eyes, sat up properly on her sofa.
"Great. They're away on a field trip to some island. I lose track. They have a better social life than I do."
"Ha. Glad to hear it. Can't bear the thought of you having fun without me."
"I never have any fun without you."
Bianca can't speak when she drops her voice like that. No matter her annoyance, the grievance that she is hopelessly in love with someone who has chosen to live so far away from her, the truth is that Janet can cut through it with a change of intonation. She continued when Bianca failed to respond.
"Actually I have some good news. I'm coming home for a few days next month. Should be able to have some fun then."
Bianca smirks and is delighted, but knows it won't be as easy as that, "As much as I can't wait to see you, I'm not sure I can guarantee the time off. My job just doesn't work like that. Not at the moment." As she turned to sit more comfortably, sensing this was going to be a longer conversation than most, she let out a moan of pain that she hoped Janet didn't hear. She had some bruising on her side and was waiting for the pain killers to kick in.
"What was that. Are you ok?"
"It's nothing. I just got involved in a stupid... it's work. I'm fine. Really."
"You need to get some days off. I want to talk to you, be near you. Is there anything I should know...about work? Is anyone looking after you?"
"There's absolutely nothing I can tell you about work. And I have plenty of friends to look after me. You have nothing to worry about."
Janet wasn't convinced. It was true that she had countless friends, it made Janet ashamed to admit she only had a handful, and when it came to the rule that a few close friends were better than many acquaintances, she was the exception. They talked about a few other things; the weather, what they were having for dinner, the big news stories of the day. Absolutely nothing that was important. Nothing that could touch what they felt. Janet found it so frustrating that she couldn't maintain the conversation. It wasn't enough. The erratic calls only made their yearning more pronounced. Like on so many other occasions, she conveyed the now given fact that she loved her, said she'd send the dates through and implored her to look after herself. She hung up, looked at the boring pile of work in front of her. Pushed all her worries to the side, tried to reaffirm her faith that coming here had been the right thing for all of them. Looked forward to the trip home.
Lisa had called Bianca at a good time. She was happy to meet for a coffee and let her apologise properly as she suggested. When they sat down, Bianca put her at ease, let her know that she had nothing to feel bad about any longer. Their relationship was over but there was still a world of care between them. Bianca knew that Lisa did not have her troubles to seek, that any residue of guilt she carried could tip her off balance, put her on a self destructive path. And she felt no disloyalty by seeing her. The circumstances simply did not exist that would make her leave Janet and put her back into Lisa's arms, no matter how far away she was.
"I wasn't perfect either. We both made mistakes. That last year, after gran died...I was just coasting. I understand why you did it." Bianca said.
"That doesn't make it ok. If I had feelings for someone else I should have told you. I should have been honest. I'll never forgive myself."
"Well you should. I have. Nothing good will come of beating yourself up." It was a nod to her tendency to drink too much. It was a friendly warning. Lisa acknowledged it with a quick moment of eye contact.
"I'm looking after myself. I'm actually doing well. Work is good for a change. Finally made Sergeant."
"Congratulations. That's incredible." Bianca's face displayed an effortless smile. She hadn't smiled like that for some time.
"And you too, Detective Inspector. Hear your name mentioned all the time even in my neck of the woods. How is work?"
Bianca thought about how she could possibly gloss over her current objective without revealing any details. The progress she had made at work was satisfying. Intelligence was where she had always wanted to be, and she was keen to make a good impression. It was the one and only positive of Janet's relocation; she could devote herself fully to this far reaching case. The undercover operation was exhausting, and she regretted that it seemed to be getting more dangerous by the hour.
"It's challenging. And we're on to something that could have far reaching implications. I just need to hold my nerve."
Lisa's eyes filled with concern. "Be careful."
"Always." She flashed a cheeky grin.
Lisa wanted to ask about her love life. There was a rumour going around amongst their old friends; that her new girlfriend was Janet King. If it were true, Lisa knew that she was never coming back. Knew that she had made a huge and life changing error. And it was all her own fault. Maybe she'd ask if they met up again, which she hoped they would. Told Bianca so as the hugged before they left.
On the flight, the kids fast asleep either side of her, she formed a plan for the next few days. She had to see her mum, her sister and Tony. Anything else was for Bianca, and she hoped to have some time with her first to have a proper discussion while holding her close. Then spend some time with the other important people, before she returned herself into the arms of Bianca to do everything that she really wanted to do. No doubt there would be mundane life admin along the way too, but that could wait. The best laid plans of course, even by someone of her stature, are often completely and utterly pointless. She hadn't really listened to Bianca. She was going to have to be more agile with her ideas, more flexible in her approach to this break. But she hated it when a plan didn't go her way and every interaction she had with the important people in her life over the coming days was strained as a result. Especially the mere six hours she eventually had with Bianca.
They were both tired when she eventually arrived at Bianca's apartment, her mother happy to have some time alone with the kids before their flight the next day. Janet had spent the first two days worried sick when she couldn't get in touch with her, and Bianca had spent the week living on her nerves, deep in the alternative life she was living. When she made contact on the third day, all she texted was - 'Will be home in apartment Thursday evening. Do not call. See you then. x'. Janet was at a loss, angry with the situation, unclear who she should direct the fury towards; looking at herself in the bathroom mirror in Tony's house as the kids fell into hysterics around him, contemplating that perhaps it should be directed towards herself.
When Bianca opened the door, all else was momentarily forgotten. Janet let out a small yelp of relief at seeing her. A few tears escaped from Bianca. They embraced and didn't say much. Sat on the sofa in each other's arms and tried to address the gulf that had opened up between them over the past six months. But Bianca's head was somewhere else. She was transitioning into her real self and Janet could only watch as she struggled to communicate coherently.
"God our timing is just...always terrible. I wanted to see the kids." She said sadly, took Janet's hand in hers.
"You'll see them soon. When you come over. I know you can't tell me but you must have some idea when work will settle down." Janet wanted to tell her that she was putting too much of herself into work, that she should step back for a while. But that was one of the things she accepted she could never level at anyone else. Ever.
"Should be two months tops. Be safe to book something for about ten weeks time. I'll do it over the weekend."
"Promise?"
"Promise."
They could manage that. They had managed worse. Janet had adjusted to the different sensation of time she felt in Fiji. It was a strange paradox; that the hours went by more slowly but the months felt short. Ten weeks was doable. As she was thinking that, as she was about to ask Bianca how her family were, she felt Bianca's hand reach under her top and make its way to unclip her bra.
"Bianca...If you don't feel up to this. I understand. There's so little time..."
Janet doesn't get to finish the sentence. Bianca is on top of her, using her as a productive way to vent her frustration. Janet responded in kind with her own vexation. It was more rushed than their normal efforts, a bit more aggressive. It is far from unpleasant but it felt strangely alien to them both. Bianca felt herself forced against her bedroom wall and Janet made some marks on her chest that in a few days would blend with the bruises still present on her body. When Janet saw them, she stopped and drew her fingertips over the patches of fading purple, looked up at Bianca with sorrow in her eyes.
"I can't tell you Janet. It'll be over soon."
"Get yourself out of it. Stop the undercover work. I can't...I won't live with any risk that I might lose you."
"I'm not going anywhere." Bianca said as she looked into her eyes.
They returned to the frenzy, the futile effort to express six months of longing and care into a few short hours.
When Bianca turned up at the airport the next day to see them off, the kids were ecstatic to see her. Both running into her arms for a hug. Tony clocked the intensity of the exchange between his friend and her new partner. Watched Janet's dejection when she had to let her go. On the way to the car park he asked Bianca if she wanted to meet him for a coffee, maybe even a Scotch. Talk about her options at work. He was going to work at the NCC and was looking for decent people. In due course he would need a Chief Investigator. The job would be hers whenever she wanted it.