Between Light and Dark – A Choice

Chapter 5

(Chapter 5 is out! My son has now been christened, but I still don't have much time to write since real life has become more demanding recently, but I thought I'd post this chapter anyways. I have a few more chapters ready, but once they have been posted, there'll most likely be longer breaks between posting chapters. Still, I hope any readers enjoy what I have so far )

"Can I get my explanation now?" Hera asked, looking at the two men in the bed. It had been about a day since they returned to the real world and according to the medical droid, both their conditions had improved, though Ezras still wasn't fully stable and Kanan remained impaired by the pain from his back.

"Sorry Hera, not yet" Kanan replied "first, Ezra and I need to talk. Alone". Hera clicked her tongue frustratedly. "Fine" she said "but I'm not letting this go, Kanan. I want to know what happened in those days". Kanan nodded "and you will, I promise" he responded, before Hera left the two on their own once more.

Once she had, Kanan moved in the bed so he was sitting opposite Ezra, leaning against the wall behind him with a groan. Ezra too was sitting with his back against the wall, a blanket over his legs and his usual cloth covering his chest. The bright orange color was a sharp contrast to the dark subjects they were about to discuss.

"So" Kanan started once he'd settled, legs crossed in front of him "what do you wish to ask first? I promised I would answer all your questions, but let's take them one at a time".

Ezras eyes shone faintly with fear and he'd crossed his arms over his chest in a defensive posture, clearly feeling uncharacteristically vulnerable at the whole situation. "I… I don't know. I have so many". Kanan sighed. "Why don't we start from the beginning. How did you get stuck in your own mind? It's important you know this, so you can avoid it in the future" he said. "Okay then. That sounds logical" Ezra replied and gestured for Kanan to continue.

"Very well then. To put it simply, what got you locked in your own mind was your fear" the Jedi said. "My fear?" Ezra echoed and Kanan nodded. "Yes. What I felt most clearly whilst in your mind was an overpowering fear. And it seems to be related to your nightmares. Will you still not tell me about them? This vision you speak of. Maybe I can help you, if you'll just trust me with it".

Ezra lowered his gaze, looking away. "What if telling you is what makes it come true?" he said in a low voice and shivered noticeably. Kanan frowned. "From what you've said so far, Ezra, I've already gathered that it must be about me. You see something happening to me and it isn't good. Most likely, I would guess that you see me die?" he said, observing the young man to gauge his reaction.

It came immediately, accompanied by a strong sensation of fear across their bond. "How did you?" Ezra asked, but then cut himself off, realizing that he'd just confirmed his Masters' suspicions. "It wasn't that hard to figure out Ezra" Kanan responded "now will you tell me?".

Ezra swallowed, pulling his knees up to his chest and the blanket closer around him. "You're there, and me and Hera" he then started, quietly. "We're on top of a large structure, though I don't know which. There's the… sound of an explosion. A big fire. I can… feel the heat of the flames… on my skin. You're looking back at us, a hand raised towards them… I feel myself getting thrown backwards and the next moment you". Ezra paused, silent tears running down his cheeks. When he finished, his voice was thick and shaky. "The flames engulf you and… you're gone".

Kanans expression twisted with sympathy and he leaned forward, placing a hand on the young man's knee. His focus was on supporting and calming his Padawan, despite his own horrific death being the subject of the others' nightmares.

"I'm sorry that you have had to see that Ezra" he said softly "truly I am. But as I told you back then, it might not be anything but a dream. No one says it has to be a vision".

"Then why do I keep having it, every night Kanan?! Why can't I just get one good night's sleep?! It wouldn't repeat itself so frequently if it were just a dream!" Ezra yelled back at him, anger and frustration radiating from him.

His strong emotions were like a sucker-punch to Kanans solar plexus and he involuntarily pulled back from him, though it wasn't for long. Instead, he moved over and wrapped his arms around Ezra, pulling him into a hug, one hand on the back of his head.

"You're right" he said, voice quiet, comforting "you're right. It wouldn't. I agree it has to mean something. But we don't know what, Ezra. Have you tried meditating on it?".

Ezra was shivering in his embrace as he responded. "I can't… Every time I picture it before me, it terrifies me, and I can't focus. I'm so scared of losing you Kanan. Just like I lost them…".

"I wish I could tell you not to worry about it Ezra, but the truth is that one day, you WILL lose me. I'm not going to be around forever. Someday, I'll die" Kanan replied, sighing quietly. He could feel the tension in the other lessening, though it didn't disappear entirely.

"I know… But you're so young when I see you. This age. And that frightens me most of all" Ezra whispered and Kanan rubbed his back gently, like a father comforting his son.

"It's alright Ezra" he mumbled, and the two were quiet for a little, before he spoke again, pushing Ezra slightly away. "I'm still here. Alive. And I promise I'll be careful, okay? Thank you for trusting me with this. I'll keep it between the two of us" he said, smiling. "And if you keep having that dream, or if it changes, even the slightest, please don't hesitate to come to me, okay? I'm here for you, always".

Ezra moved a hand at his words, and wiped away the cooling tears on his cheeks, shaking his head to pull himself together. "I won't" he responded "and… thank you".

Repositioning himself on the bed again, back once more against the wall, Kanan crossed his legs anew and placed his hands on his thighs. "Now, for your next question" he said and gestured for Ezra to ask away. "Right" Ezra replied "I guess my next question would be… why and how was Maul there? Wherever 'there' was". He mumbled those last words mostly to himself, as he looked at Kanan once more.

"That is technically three questions" the Jedi said with a smile, wanting to lighten the others mood a bit, before he continued "but since they are closely entwined, it seems fair to answer them as one. Very well then… First off, I already told you that we were inside your mind, Ezra. We were in your conscience and the reason for why both Maul and I could get inside your head, so to speak, is that both of us share a bond with you.

Ours was established when I took you as my student, as you know, and has only grown stronger since that day. You already know what it entails, but let me recap it for you: Because we are Master and Padawan, we are far more attuned to each other's presence in the Force, than to that of others who also have the ability to use it, although we can sense it in most of, if not all, Force sensitive beings we meet or pass by.

Because we share this strong bond, we can sense each other's thoughts and feelings clearly and act on it if necessary. That is how I knew you were in trouble and needed my help. And this bond is also how I managed to enter your mind. I followed the string that connected us and found you.

Now, after the events of Malachor, and the fact that you were alone with Maul for hours and listened to his teachings throughout that time, you have also, though without realizing it yourself, forged a Master/Apprentice bond with him, very similar to the one we share, though far weaker.

Because Maul is as powerful as he is however, having been trained by one of the most powerful Sith Lords known to the Order, the weakness of your bond has barely hindered him in achieving what he desires: a new apprentice to manipulate and corrupt, to shape in his own image.

And that should answer all three of your questions. Is there anything you wish to have explained further?". Kanan paused, observing the other.

Ezra looked troubled and remorseful. "I feel like I should apologize to you – again" he said softly, folding his hands like he'd been taught by the other and bending forward in as much of a bow as he could manage in his current state and position.

"I'm sorry for my actions on Malachor, Master. For unwittingly having forged the beginnings of a bond with him and nearly replacing you. I should have listened to you when you warned me about him. Forgive me" he said, waiting for the other to answer him.

Kanan mirrored his bow, ignoring the pain in his back, and then accepted his apology with the words "all is forgiven, my Padawan" before straightening again and letting out a quiet sigh.

Before he could speak again though, Ezra leaned back against the wall, turning his head away from the Jedi and said "Your sight, Ahsokas death. If I just hadn't trusted him, maybe…" his voice marked by grief.

Kanan moaned quietly, letting a hand run over his eyes. A headache was beginning to form behind his eyelids, and he knew it was because of the all-consuming, dark emotions still swirling in his student. "Ezra, none of that was your fault. You need to stop feeling so guilty. Your guilt is pulling you towards the Dark, even when Maul is not present.

I chose to fight Maul on Malachor, just like Ahsoka chose to stay with her former Master. You didn't make those decisions for us" he replied.

"But Maul wouldn't have fought you if I hadn't trusted him. If I hadn't done so, he wouldn't have had the chance to betray us and stab us in the back" Ezra insisted, groaning and Kanan felt a wave of nausea coming across their bond.

"Ezra, I knew from the start that he was dangerous. I shouldn't have allowed myself to lower my guard so, in his company. That was MY mistake, not yours" he said, watching Ezra cautiously in case he needed something.

Ezra swallowed hard, tasting bile, but then looked back at his Master with large, vulnerable eyes. He appreciated Kanans' attempt at alleviating his guilt and grief, but he knew the others' words wouldn't change much. He needed to work through them on his own, and so he didn't say anything in return.

He should have known that would only worry Kanan further though. "Ezra, are you listening to me? Do you hear what I'm saying?" he asked, a concerned look on his face.

"I hear you" Ezra mumbled in response, but said nothing further.

"Right then" Kanan said, doubtfully, then continued "do you have any more questions for now Ezra?".

Ezra looked thoughtful for a moment, gratefully recognizing Kanans' change of subject for what it was; proof that he respected how Ezra felt about these things, at least for now. Then he asked "about Maul… In the end, I managed to force him out, but… How do I keep it that way? What if he… comes back?".

He shivered at the thought and Kanan understood why. It could not be pleasant having someone else in your head constantly. Especially not someone like Maul.

"That is a very important question Ezra, but I'm afraid it is also the one that is hardest to answer. I am no expert on this matter, as invading someone else's mind, is a technique mostly used by the Sith. The Jedi have something similar to it, in the mind trick we can use, but our ability focuses on persuasion, not control.

That of the Sith is traditionally used to make someone do what you want them to, by controlling their body and mind. It is a very dark and brutal ability" the Knight replied. Ezra swallowed again, and Kanan frowned when he sensed him shaking. "Ezra" he asked "are you alright?".

"I… know… that ability" Ezra mumbled "I learned it, from the Sith Holocron". Kanans eyes narrowed "well, you haven't used it, have you?" he asked, secretly fearing the answer. Slowly, Ezra nodded. "I have" he whispered "once".

"Ezra, no!" Kanan said, leaning forward, shocked. "When? Why?! How could you? Surely you must have known how dark suck an ability truly is?!". "I had no choice! We were in serious trouble and I… I acted instinctively, to save us all" Ezra defended himself, though Kanan sensed that he regretted his actions.

Taking a deep breath, the Master asked "would you use it again? Knowing its true nature… Would you?". He felt Ezras thoughts waver. His answer could change everything. "Please" he thought to himself "please give me the right answer, Padawan". Then it came. "No. Never again". Kanan let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding and leaned back again. "Then in this matter, the past is of no importance" he said, relieved.

Ezra clearly sensed his emotions and frowned. "Kanan" he began, slowly "if I had said yes… What would have happened?". The Jedi hesitated, concerned that it might make things between him and Ezra worse again, but sensing the others rising worry, in the end decided telling him the truth was the best option.

"Had you said yes, even if you'd followed it by adding you would only use it in self-defense, I don't know that I would, or should, have continued teaching you" he said, instantly feeling the effect his words had on Ezra across their bond, but knowing this was a necessary lesson for the other to learn.

"So, you'd have given up on me then? Just like that?!" the young man said, anger evident in his tone of voice. "Be wary of your anger, Ezra. That too, leads to the Dark side" Kanan started, though he hurriedly continued before the other could protest.

"You must understand, Padawan, that the Order have been betrayed several times in the past, where gifted, well-liked students and even respected Masters, turned away from the Jedi path because of events in their lives. It could be anything from losing a battle, to fearing their own weakness, to losing a loved one or desiring to save one. Even reasons, which on the surface seem good, can cause the fall of a great warrior.

So, if you were willing to use any of the darkest of techniques, even if you said it was to protect yourself or others, the odds of you leaving the light would be too great to risk, knowing that your continued training would only be making a more formidable enemy out of you. And that was something the Order never wanted to risk. And neither do I. Do you understand?".

Kanan silenced, looking at Ezra. "I… understand" Ezra replied, lowering his eyes "I didn't mean to sound so angry Master. But when you said that… I know I'm a handful and one that you didn't anticipate. I know I'm reckless and young and that I still have so much to learn. And when I think of all these things, sometimes I… I find myself afraid that I'll be too much for you, for all of the crew, and that you will tell me… to leave. And then I'll be all alone again".

The young man said those last words with such omnicity that Kanan felt it in the air around them, like an oppressive cloud. And yet, he felt himself smile. "Ezra" he said "those words of yours, what you realize about yourself and the fact that you accept them as truth? That is an important part of how I know I can, and should, keep training you".

Ezra lifted his eyes to Kanan again, taking in the others' words and his smile. "Why?" he then asked, honestly confused. Kanan, still smiling, explained. "Because Padawan, they prove that you know of your own limits and accept that they are as they are. That you don't think yourself superior to or better than others, but see yourself as a student, not yet a graduate. And that you are still open to being taught, despite how strong you actually are in your own".

"You really think I'm that strong, despite everything that's happened? That's still happening?" Ezra asked quietly and Kanan nodded. "I know you are, Ezra. I've known from the day I met you" he replied, and Ezra finally lit up in a small smile himself. "Thank you" he said "for believing in me". "Always Ezra" came the response and Ezra took a deep breath to ease some of the tension in his body.

"You know, you didn't actually answer my question yet" he then said, looking at Kanan "I forced Maul out once, but I still sense him. I don't think that bond I accidentally made with him is gone. What if he comes back? What if he… gets under my skin again?".

"As I said, I'm no expert on these things" his Master replied "but here is what I DO know; Maul is only able to affect you so much, because of your own insecurities, your fears. To make his influence redundant, you need to work through those first. If you managed to get control of them, he can no longer tempt you.

But I have to tell you Ezra, Maul is not the only thing pulling you towards the dark. Fighting that pull is a constant battle, for all of us, including those who are not attuned to the Force. The biggest difference being that they don't know what they're fighting, and we do.

This fight is one that never ends. There will always be temptations. There will always be one thing or another that tries to trip you and make you fall. It is up to you to never let that happen. You will have to fight every day and win. But that is how it is, as we journey through life. And the battles are only going to get harder from here.

I wish I could tell you otherwise, but the decision you made back there, was only the first step. You may have chosen the path of the Jedi, but now it is up to you not to stray from it. And that is something I cannot help you with. All I can do is lend you an ear when you need to talk or if you have questions, and let you lean on me when you need support. I can help strengthen you, your resolve, your will. I can give you the tools you need to have the greatest chance of success. But I cannot choose for you in those moments, just like I couldn't choose for you in there".

Silencing, Kanan observed him to see if he had understood.

Ezra swallowed and Kanan got a sense of anxiety from him, which wasn't unexpected. The younger mans next question was though and at first, Kanan wasn't sure how to respond. "What about you Master? You told me, back there, that this trial I faced, the decision I had to make, was something all Padawans go through at one point or another. So if that is true, when did it happen for you?" Ezra asked, looking at him with eyes that seemed to shine from uncertainty.

Thinking for some time, Kanan eventually found the words he needed. "You know my own training was cut short because of order 66 and the death of my Master. After I lost her, I too was lost. Not dead, but wandering about in a state of shock. I fought some pretty tough demons of my own through that time and I struggled with accepting that I survived when my Master did not.

There were many times where I told myself that it wasn't right that I was alive. That I should have stood my ground and fought alongside Master Billaba or died trying. That I should have ignored her order when she told me to run. It was not easy to keep on living, but I did. And eventually I met Hera. And I found new purpose.

But in truth, Ezra, I only faced the choice between Light or Dark after I met you. When we were at the Jedi temple on Lothal with Ahsoka, I had a vision. That vision was MY test. And it wasn't until after that, I became a true Jedi Knight. So as I told you, I had hoped you wouldn't have had to face yours so early.

But in a way I believe it might actually have been a good thing. Because now I am here to help you with the aftermath of it. You're not a full Jedi yet, but with that, you are well on your way" he said, then silenced again, sending Ezra another smile.

"I never knew you'd struggled so hard Kanan" the young man said, looking at him with empathy. "Thank you for trusting me with this".

"You're my Padawan Ezra, I do not wish to keep secrets from you. For us to be the strongest team we can, trust is our most important asset" the Jedi replied, and Ezra smiled back at him.

Then he groaned and closed his eyes, placing a hand on his forehead. "You're tired" Kanan said "you should get some more sleep. We can always talk again later". "Yeah… You're right" Ezra replied. "What about you?".

"I'm better, so I believe I'm overdue for a little chat with Hera. I won't be gone for long though, I promise. Will you be alright?" Kanan replied, moving to get out of the bed. He sensed a surge of fear in the other and instantly turned his head back towards him, but before he could say anything, he felt it being quelled again and sighed inwardly.

Ezra seemed to be able to control his feelings better at the moment, which was a relief, but that didn't change the fact that the fear was still there.

"Ezra?" Kanan said questioningly and Ezra replied as he moved back down on the bed, pulling the blanket up to his chin and flipping on to his side "I'm gonna be okay. I just need to sleep. I can handle it". Kanan nodded. "If you need anything, just call one of us, okay? We'll bring it to you" he said, and Ezra confirmed he'd heard him, before Kanan quietly left his own room, heading for the cockpit where he figured Hera would be…