Hi all, thanks for the kind words! I didn't think I'd have an update until tomorrow but your kindness inspired me to keep writing. Choosing to ignore the drama and the trolls and keep doing what I'm doing.

This chapter...just don't hate me! Lol - remember that I am always a writer who has Bensler as her Endgame. And I did say this would be a SLOW burn.

Disclaimer- I own nothing :)

A few days had passed, and things were a little awkward. Olivia had called Ethan back and agreed to go on a dinner date with him the following weekend. She wasn't even sure she really wanted to go...but something about Elliot telling her to go made her feel like she needed to do. Just to prove a point. Maybe force herself to try and get over him once and for all (though she didn't think that would ever happen).

Saturday, she was supposed to have dinner with him and today was Friday. She was standing at her desk, looking over some paperwork she was finishing. Elliot was in Cragen's office updating him on something and John and Fin were at their desks sorting through notes for a trial coming up the following week. She was so wrapped up in her work, she didn't notice someone walking up to her desk until she heard their voice.

"You ignoring me Benson? You know I hate being ignored…" The voice teased.

Her head snapped up and she gasped, "Rachel?"

She hadn't seen her friend since the weekend in Philadelphia and she wasn't exactly thrilled to see her now. Out of their group, Rachel and Olivia were never the closets out of the group. They were more friends because of convenience with the rest of the group. They often butted heads. Rachel was reckless and always looking for drama. Olivia had been the level headed one, liked things simple and never wanted drama which always made Rachel want to pull her in more. For the most part, Olivia tried to ignore her but it wasn't always easy. Especially when she overstepped boundaries…

Rachel was now married and had two children of her own. It had shocked them all when she was the first to settle down. She was always a wild woman, pulling men into her web and spitting them back out before they had time to process what was happening. Olivia couldn't really picture her as a Mother but she didn't see her often and decided it was none of her business.

Rachel rolled her eyes and laughed, "Don't look so happy to see your old friend..."

Olivia shook her head and glanced around the squad room, "Sorry...I've been here over 24 hours. I'm exhausted. And I just...wasn't expecting you." She frowned and laughed, "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Had some more business in Manhattan. Figured I'd drop in again and say hi." She glanced around and smirked, "I was hoping to see that fine partner of yours again too..."

Jealousy erupted in her chest and she had to remind herself that Elliot didn't want her, but she just didn't want Rachel wanting him. "Rachel...jesus."

At that moment, Elliot walked back up to the desk, "Hey."

Rachel spun around and immediately turned on the charm, flipping her hair she leaned against his desk and pushed out her chest, "Detective Stabler...what a pleasure to see you again."

Elliot looked at her, then back at Olivia witj an expression that told her everything she needed to know. "Um?"

Olivia smirked, he didn't remember Rachel and damn did that feel good, "Elliot...this is my friend Rachel Sellers. You met her briefly awhile back...she showed up unannounced. Much like today."

Rachel pouted and huffed, "You don't remember me? What a shame...I'll have to make a better impression this time around." She turned back to Olivia, "Are you done taking down the sickos of the world for the day? Let's go have a drink! Live a little like the good old days!"

Olivia ran a hand through her hair, "I am done...but I was just going to go home." She stared at her, "Where are Mark and the kids?"

Rachel rolled her eyes and brushed her off, "Home. Thank goodness! Momma needs a night out. God it gets so suffocating to be stuck in that house with the girls. I wish I was like you...single and able to take home any guy I want." She finished the last part of her sentence by shooting Elliot a meaningful look.

But he didn't look impressed and Olivia once again felt a stab of happiness fill her chest, "Look Rachel-"

"One drink." Rachel said, cutting her off, "Come on! What are you going to do if you go home? Have old take out and watch some terrible romantic comedy? Don't be so pathetic Benson...you're young, you're hot and you gotta live your life!"

Olivia blushed, "Rachel I-"

"Did someone say drinks?" Fin said walking over to them, "I could go for an after work drink. Or three…"

"See!" Rachel said pointing at him, "I like him! Which one are you?"

Fin smiled and held out his hand, "Odafin Tutuola. But you can call me Fin."

Rachel shook his hand and beamed at him, "You sound fun Fin. How do you work with this lameo?"

John walked around them and wrapped an arm around Olivia's shoulder, "She's not a lameo. In fact out of the four of us, she's the most fun and the best Detective in the squad."

Rachel looked at Olivia and batted her eyelashes, "Well lucky you Benson...you're surrounded by three strong, protective , handsome men all day. No wonder you stick around this shitty job."

Olivia looked down trying to keep her cool, "You haven't changed since the day I met you Rachel...that's for damn sure."

Rachel smirked and playfully punched her shoulder, "Oh but I make your life interesting Olivia. Think of all the things you wouldn't have done in college if you never met me. Now you have memories that will last a lifetime!"

"Many I'd like to forget." She said glaring at her, she saw Fin and Munch brighten, "And no...I'm not sharing any of my college stories with you guys so don't ask."

Rachel laughed and flipped her hair again, "She might not...but I will." Walking towards the door she looked back at Fin and Munch, "Come on boys. I'll let you each buy me a drink." She looked back at Elliot and winked, "And if you're a little nicer...maybe I'll let you get drink number three."

Fin and Munch scrambled after her without stopping to talk to Olivia and she groaned, "Wait-I didn't-" She hung her head and sighed as she covered her face with her hands, "This isn't happening."

Elliot frowned and wondered how Olivia was ever friends with someone like that, "Liv?" She looked up at him with a frustrated look in her eyes, "You don't have to go...but if you don't...that leaves her alone with Fin and Munch."

She laughed to herself and grabbed her coat, "Yeah. Not going to happen. She'll have them both tattooed head to toe or risking their badge within the hour. I need to go." She tugged her coat on and grabbed her bag, "You don't have to go though. I'll...see you on Monday. Have a great weekend."

"I mean...I can go." He said quickly, not wanting to leave her just yet, especially since he was worried about this Rachel woman. "The kids are spending the night at my Mom's for a sleepover."

Olivia licked her lips and looked back to where Fin, Munch and Rachel were standing by the elevator, "Oh...well, I mean if you want to-"

"Do you want me to come?" He asked softly, she had been distant since their conversation about the date with Ethan and it was killing him slowly. All of it was killing him. He just wanted to spend some time with her. And maybe...if he could find sometime to talk to her alone tonight she'd even cancel her dinner with Ethan.

She watched him carefully and then she nodded, "Yeah...I do."

He took a deep breath, grabbed his coat and then walked up beside her, "Then let's go."

She let out a little breath, feeling both relieved and yet anxious about what would happen next all at the same time, "Hey El?" He turned towards her and she smiled, "Thank you...but also I apologize now for anything ridiculous that happens tonight. Rachel...doesn't really have any filter."

Elliot smiled and put a hand on her back, the warmth of his touch send a shiver down her spine that didn't go unnoticed by him. "I think I can handle it. Besides...maybe I'll learn a little bit about college girl Benson…"

She shook her head adamantly, that was the last thing she wanted. "Hell. No."

He chuckled again and cocked his head towards their friends, wondering just where this night was headed.

An hour and a half later, the five of them were at a crowded bar downtown and Rachel was already three drinks deep. Fin and Munch were on their way to a quick buzz too. Elliot and Olivia...were still nursing their first drinks. Neither one of them wanted to get out of control to make sure that nothing got out of hand. Olivia didn't trust Rachel to not say anything stupid or embarassing...and Elliot wanted to make sure he could protect Olivia if he needed to. Yes she could take care of herself, but something about this Rachel woman didn't sit well with him. And he would never sit back and let someone hurt Olivia in anyway.

"So…" Fin said with a smirk, "Tell us about college Olivia. What was she like?"

Olivia threw a swift kick towards Fin's shin under the table, "You're supposed to be on my side Fin."

Fin rolled his eyes and rubbed his leg, "I love you baby girl...but I'm dying to know what kind of college experience you had. Were you the quiet, studious type, the mellow girl? Or were you a party animal?"

Rachel threw her head back and laughed, "Oh well...it depended on the day I suppose."

"Christ." Olivia said looking down, "Rachel...you do realize I'm armed right?"

Rachel leaned against the table and smirked, "I figured that since you're a big bad cop now...but you don't scare me Benson. Never have...never will. You're too good to cross any serious lines. You may have toyed with them back in the day...but you always chickened out in the end. You don't have the guts to do something truly reckless."

Munch swallowed a sip of his beer, "So that answers Fin's question I think? She was a goody, goody?"

Rachel twirled the straw in her drink and sighed, "She could be...she was definitely a good student. Smarter than the rest of us. Never got lower than an A- which was annoying as all hell." She took another sip and sighed, "But when and if she wanted too...she could let loose. Toss 'em back with us on a girls night. And boy was she a heartbreaker…"

Olivia choked on her beer, "What? I was not! You were the heartbreaker. Not me!"

"We were both heartbreakers…" Rachel said with a nod, "Just in different ways. I was the love 'em and leave 'em kinda a gal. You...you had them all falling head over heels in love with you but you never let them close enough to even find out who you really were underneath all your clothes."

Olivia quickly stood up causing the table ro shake and everyone's drinks to wobble but she didn't care. She knew this was going no where good and fast and she was tired of letting Rachel walk all over her, "Rachel...seriously? Can we not do this?"

Elliot, Fin and Munch looked between the two of them, wondering how close they had actually been. Elliot was ready to jump in at any moment if he felt that Olivia was losing control or going to be set off more.. But the look in her eyes told him that she wanted to handle this on her own.

Rachel shrugged innocently, "You know I'm right. How many boys showed up at our apartment at all hours of the night wanting to just 'talk'? You wouldn't even do that. Well...at least not until you met-"

"Yeah well that didn't end well did it?" Olivia said sliding out of the booth completely, "And you know all too well why." She grabbed her bag and shook her head, "I need some air."

Elliot went to slide out of the booth to follow her but Rachel leaned forward and grabbed his arm, "Oh no you don't. Let her go...cool off. She'll come back. She always does."

Fin shot him a neevous look, "I'll go…I should probably start groveling now to get her to forgive me anyway."

Munch sighed and looked at his phone, "I think maybe it's my cue to go…"

Rachel huffed and rolled her eyes, "You Detective's are no fun…"

Munch gave Elliot a look that said, this one is nuts,"You going to be okay here Stabler?"

Elliot was glaring at Rachel but he nodded, "Yup."

Rachel giggled and leaned into him, "Oh I think we'll be really good here Detective Munch. Thanks for the drinks…"

Fin and Munch stood up, and started to walk towards the exit that Olivia had come from. Elliot hoped they caught her before she took off in a cab, he didn't want her leaving upset. But more than that, Elliot wanted to give Rachel a piece of his mind.

Elliot sat back in his seat and studied her and went into full protective mode, "What's your deal?"

Rachel stirred her drink and laughed again, "My deal? Whatever do you mean Detective?"

He rolled his eyes and laughed sarcastically, "You are something else…"

Leaning across the table Rachel pushed her chest out again and smirked, "So they tell me...want to find out what exactly I am?"

Elliot scooted away from her, "You can't be serious. You're married! You're a mother!"

Rachel shrugged, "And? Wives and mother's aren't allowed to have a little fun?"

Elliot's temper flared and his hands clenched at his sides, "Not this kind of fun. You're throwing yourself at me...and you clearly feel no guilt."

Rachel rolled her eyes, "You wouldn't be the first man I hooked up with on a business trip Detective and you won't be the last. No one needs to know. Not even Olivia…"

When her hand reached out and trailed down his chest, he grabbed it and stared at her, "I can't see you and Olivia being friends. She is NOTHING like you and I thank God for that."

Rachel smirked and sat back a little clearly proud of herself, "See...you have proved my point tonight Elliot."

Elliot's mind was reeling and he wanted to get up and leave this pathetic woman here alone, "What are you talking about now?"

"Olivia…" She said with a cruel smile, "She is a heartbreaker. Sucks the men in...makes them fall in love with her. But her walls are made out of steel and she'll never let you in. She'll leave you in the dust before you can even blink. It's pathetic actually...she's an idiot if you ask me."

Elliot's hand slammed down on the table, "Don't you dare call her an idiot."

"Oh...you've got it bad Stabler." She said leaning into him again, "You want her more than anything and you'll never, ever have her. No one will. She's too damaged…are you sure you love her or is just pity you feel?"

"You are the pathetic one." Elliot said pointing a finger at her, "Sitting here, throwing yourself at a man who wants nothing to do with you while your husband is home with your daughters. You are cruel and don't deserve a friend like Olivia."

"Olivia and I were never really friends...more just acquaintances. We hung out because of our other friends. She was always too boring for me. To vanilla. It isn't my fault that her boyfriend got tired of her keeping him at a distance. She wasn't going to give it up...so I did." She said with a smirk.

Elliot stared at her in shock, "What?"

She took a sip of her drink again and sighed, "Her college sweetheart...the guy she thought would be the one. He got tired of waiting...so he sought comfort in my bed. Olivia walked in on us...and she was devastated. I know she was. I could see it in her eyes. Her eyes never lie. And yet...she never said a word to me. Never fought me for him. She just let it happen. It was so easy…"

Elliot's anger was multiplying by the second , "You are-"

"Very attracted to you." She said, cutting him off, "And I happen to know that you're all alone Stabler...and she's never going to let you touch her. So you might as well seek it from somewhere else. And I'm very much ready and willing. No strings attatched. Come on...show me what you are really made of Elliot."

From behind them, Rachel could see Olivia walking towards the table again with Fin behind her. On the end of the table, she spotted Olivia's phone and without hesitating, she leaned forward and pulled Elliot against her before he could protest. Rachel kept her eyes open and saw Olivia stopped short behind them, Fin bumped into her and she fell forward as she watched Elliot kissing Rachel. The look in her eyes matched the one that Rachel had seen when Olivia walked in on her sleeping with her college boyfriend. Yet this one...showed even more pain and she knew her suspicions were right. Olivia did love Elliot, and in Rachel's mind she was just to stupid to make a move.

Olivia turned quickly, ran out of the bar again and Fin watched her go and then turned back to the table in time to see Elliot shoving Rachel away, "What the hell?"

Rachel wiped at her lips and smiled, "You can thank me later."

Elliot scrambled off the booth seat and glared at her, "You are insane. I'm out of here." He pointed a finger at her sternly, "You stay away from Olivia."

Fin grabbed Elliot as he was about to walk past him, "She saw…"

Elliot frowned, confused by what he was saying, "What?"

Fin cocked his head towards Rachel, "Olivia...she saw you two-"

Elliot cursed under his breath, "Damn it…"

Rachel leaned across the table and held out Olivia's phone, "Here you go Stabler...go save the day and bring her her phone…"

Elliot snatched the phone from her hand and looked at FIn, "I'm-"

"Go." Fin said pushing him back, "I'll pay here and ditch the crazy."

Elliot didn't want to ask again and turned to run out of the bar in hope of finding Olivia before it was too late. He frantically turned from left to right outside the door until he spotted her standing on the sidewalk, trying to hail a cab. He saw her lift one hand to catch the cab's attention and then used the other hand to clearly wipe a tear away. He hated it when she cried...it sent daggers to his heart. Even more so when it was his fault.

Taking off towards her, he called her name as a cab pulled up beside her, "Liv, wait!"

Her head whipped around to look at him, she turned quickly and he knew she was wiping more tears away. He finally found himself next to her, reaching out he touched her elbow but she yanked it away as if he had burned her, "Liv please…"

She shook her head, "El, I gotta go."

Her hand fell on the cab's handle and as she pulled it open, he pressed his palm against it and shut it, "Stop."

She shot him a death glare and spat out, "Elliot, I'm serious, back off."

Shaking his head, he squeezed himself between her and the cab door to make sure she didn't try and get in again, "I'm not letting you leave like this."

With a huff, she stepped back, "Don't you have a date to get back to?"

He rolled his eyes, "Olivia that wasn't a date and I didn't want her to kiss me."

She rolled her eyes right back, "Every man wants Rachel Seller's to kiss him. Although I have to say as a man who was left by his wife...I'm surprised you'd cross that line with a married mother with kids.."

Elliot growled at her and stepped up on the sidewalk, crowding her space, "I didn't cross the line! She kissed me!"

"Well you didn't seem to be pushing her away." She said arms crossed over her chest.

"You didn't stick around long enough to see me do just that." He yelled back.

"Are you two getting in the cab, or no?" The cab driver called from the window.

"Yes!" Olivia yelled just as Elliot yelled, "No!"

The cab driver threw up his hands, "Listen you two lovebirds...I gotta make a living so make up your mind."

Elliot tapped the hood of the car, "Then keep moving buddy. No cab needed here."

The driver flipped them both off and slammed his foot on the gas, speeding away from them. Olivia growled and tried to call after him but it was no use. She turned back to Elliot, glared at him again and then started to stomp down the sidewalk, needing as much space between her and Elliot as possible. She knew he would follow her because he was a stubborn son of a bitch but she didn't need to talk to him.

As if on cue, she heard his footsteps and he reached out for her arm again, "Olivia you can't walk home from here. It's freezing and it's dark-"

"Elliot, as I warned Rachel, I am armed and I'm pretty pissed off right now so step away from me." She spat at him.

Elliot took three long strides, spun around so he was facing her and she stumbled into him, "You wouldn't hurt me."

Her eyes lit up with fury and she spoke through gritted teeth, "You sure about that Stabler? Maybe you don't know me as well as you think. I clearly don't know you as well as I thought I did either."

Elliot's shoulders slumped, that one hurt and he knew she meant it to, "Olivia...you know me. You. Know. Me. And I know you."

She brushed past him again and continued to walk, "Goodnight Elliot."

He ran a frustrated hand through his thin hair and followed her, "Look...Rachel...is a piece of work. I came here tonight for you. Because I didn't trust her. But I didn't think this would happen and God I wish it didn't but I can't-"

"I should have known better." She said shaking her head, "I've always known exactly who Rachel is. She was never my friend."

"No. She wasn't." He said as he continued to follow her, if he could just keep her talking maybe she would let him in, "Why you didn't kick her ass when she slept with your college boyfriend-"

Suddenly she stopped walking and he slammed into her from behind, "What?"

Elliot cringed, cursing himself for letting that slip, "Liv…"

She spun around again, and now she looked beyond pissed, "Were you two talking about me?"

Elliot put his hands up in a defensive position, "I...was giving her a piece of my mind and she started saying things. I wasn't fishing for information."

She nodded slowly and then stepped back, the look of betrayal killed him."Whatever."

He reached for her arm again, this time his long fingers wrapped around her bicep and trapped her, "No. Not whatever. This isn't us Olivia. We don't argue like this."

She rolled her eyes at him and couldn't help but laugh , "What world have you been living in the last few years Elliot? Because yeah...it is. We argue. All the time."

He growled again, "Yes we argue. But not like this. This is personal and I don't like it."

She laughed and tried to pull her arm out of his grasp but he held on tighter knowing she was slipping through his fingers again, "Well I'm sorry Elliot but we don't always get what we want."

Her words rang true and he lessened his grip a little feeling defeated, "Liv…"

"Yes. She slept with my boyfriend. A man that I trusted...when it took me forever to trust someone...yet I trusted him. I thought I even lov-" She gave him a look that told him that she felt betrayed by him now too, "But that was then. And this is now." She paused and finally tugged her arm out of his grasp ready to go in for the kill, "And you...you are NOT my boyfriend. You're just my work partner. So do whatever you want to do."

Elliot stepped back as if she had slapped him hard, in someways it felt like she had. "Just your work partner?"

She turned away from him, and he saw the way she was biting her lip, "Yep."

He took another step back and frowned, "Well okay then…"

She sniffled and turned back to the sidewalk, "I'll see you at work Monday."

Elliot watched as the cab pulled up beside her and she turned from him completely, "Right."

Just as she was about to open the door, he reached out again and she froze. He could practically hear her heart pounding in her chest, but he didn't turn her. Instead, he held out her phone and she slowly took it out of his hand,

"Have a great date with Ethan tomorrow." He said just behind her ear and she shivered when she felt his breath on her neck.

Then he stepped back, turned in the opposite direction and stomped towards his car parked down the street. Olivia turned her head just slightly to see him walking away, she stumbled forward, yanked the door open and slid into the seat. She mumbled the address to her apartment to the driver, then leaned her head against the cold glass and let the tears fall.

How had everything gotten so screwed up? There were times in the last few weeks that she felt like they were headed in the right direction. And then Ethan had asked her out...and Elliot told her to go. And tonight...tonight she knew that it wouldn't end well but she never expected this. Rachel was always a loose cannon. She had been since the day she met her. She still wondered after all these years why she hadn't done something about finding her with her then boyfriend. But shock seemed to have taken over her feelings back then. And that day was when the last piece of that protective wall had been built.

She learned you couldn't trust anyone. Tonight proved that again. Even if Elliot didn't want to date her...how could he kiss a friend of hers? A MARRIED friend of hers? He had said he didn't want it...that Rachel had initiated it...that he had pushed her away. And maybe that was all true. But the image of him pressed so intimately against Rachel was like getting shot in the chest. She had seen him kiss Kathy before...but this felt different. So different. It felt personal this time. Like a real betrayal.

Curling up into herself further, she let the tears continue to fall. She had no hold on this man. No reason to be angry. And now she had clearly ruined things even more...when would she learn?

Once he climbed into his car, Elliot gripped the steering wheel so tight his knuckles turned white. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest, hear the rattling breaths that threatened to escape his lips. In his mind, he could see the look of betrayal, the look of anger, the look of hurt and total denial playing across Olivia's face in his mind. Lifting his hands, he clenched them into fists and slammed them down as hard as he possibly could just as he let out a scream of agitation.

More than a few people shot him concerned, or frightened looks as they passed his car but he didn't care. He was pissed. He was more than pissed really. And on top of all of that, he was hurt.

Just work partners?

How could she belittle what they were to each other like that? Even if they never crossed a romantic line...they would always be more than just work partners. He had had other partners in his career but there was never anyone like Olivia. There was never this kind of connection. Their ability to read each other's minds, anticipate the others next move, finish each other's sentences. The way they protected each other, had each other's back through thick and thin. The connection was so deep...so much more than a work partnership.

And despite what she tried to pretend, he knew it was real. He knew her feelings for him were as real as his were for her. But maybe Rachel had been right about one thing...maybe she was never going to be able to let anyone all the way in. Maybe that's what this was all about. Maybe she didn't really want to date Ethan but she just couldn't tear down the wall for Elliot and maybe she never would.

"Damn it." Elliot said, gripping the wheel again, "God damn it!"

Everything was so screwed up now. So damn screwed up and he wasn't sure if he was ever going to be able to fix it. Not even enough to go back what they were before...now this could break them completely. He never should have agreed to go out tonight...but of course he had. He'd do anything for Olivia Benson. Even if it meant breaking his own heart…

The following night, Elliot was sitting with the kids as they finished up lunch. The girls had had another soccer game and Kathleen kept asking why Olivia wasn't there. She never missed games but this was the second one she had missed. He lied and said that she was working overtime this weekend and the girls bought it...or at least Kathleen did.

"Dad, can we go play outside?" Richie asked, jumping down from his seat at the table.

"Yes. But you need your jacket. It's way too cold out there to not wear one." Elliot said grabbing plates. "And stay in the yard!"

Kathleen, Richie and Lizzie ran to get their coats and boots on before walking out the back door. Maureen watched her siblings go, then looked back at her Father who had been unusually quiet tonight. Bernie had dropped them off at soccer and Elliot had met them there. Maureen had hoped to see Olivia there...she hadn't been around much in the last week. She hadn't heard anything about Mr. O'Conner and Olivia...Emma hadn't been in school Thursday and Friday because she was sick.

But had he asked her out? Is that why Olivia wasn't at her game? Was that why her Dad was in a funk? Had it already started? Was Olivia already one step out the door of their lives forever?

Maureen picked up her own plate and followed her Dad into the kitchen, "Thanks for lunch Dad."

Elliot turned, smiled at his oldest daughter and took the plate from her, "Anytime kid."

She climbed up on the stool and sat herself on the counter as her Dad started the dishes, "Hey Dad?"

He glanced at her out of the corner of his eye and knew what was coming next, "Yes?"

"She's going out to dinner with Mr. O'Conner, isn't she?" She asked in the tiniest, saddest voice he had ever heard.

Elliot turned back to the sink, not feeling like he could face her straight on, "She is…"

Maureen felt the tears burning in her eyes, she wanted to hide them but she knew it was useless, "Oh."

Rinsing off the plate in his hands, he put it in the dishwasher, turned off the tap and then moved to stand across from his daughter, "Mo...I know you are upset about this. But it was Olivia's choice. You can't force someone to feel something that they don't feel."

She looked up at him and frowned, "I never said anything about forcing anyone to feel anything Dad. But I think she likes you. Maybe even loves you."

"Mo…" He said, but she heard his voice crack and she knew he was hurting too, "It just...isn't going to happen. I'm sorry. But it isn't…"

Maureen watched him carefully, then hopped down from the counter and started to walk towards the front closet to get her coat, "Okay."

He stayed in his spot but followed her with his eyes, "Okay?"

She pulled her coat on and shrugged, "Okay. I might be just kid Dad...but I know when I've lost a fight."

He sighed and went to walk towards her, "Honey-"

She shrugged her shoulders again and reached for the door, "It just would have been nice to have a real Mom. And I think...it would have been nice for you to have a partner. And not...just a work partner."

Slowly, she turned all the way to the door and opened it before walking out. Elliot stopped short, letting her words sink in and he sighed. "Yeah...it would have been real nice."

Glancing over at the clock, he wondered what time Olivia was going on her date tonight. He also wondered...if it was ever going to stop hurting thinking about her with someone else.

That night, Olivia was standing in her bedroom staring at herself in the mirror. Ethan had wanted to pick her up but she had insisted on meeting him at the restaurant. It felt less...intense that way. And this way, she had more control. It wasn't that she didn't like the guy, not that she knew him well at all but he seemed nice enough. He was attractive in that pretty boy kind of way. Good hair, kind eyes, nice enough body…

But he sure as hell wasn't built like Elliot. She cringed and slammed the door to her closet shut wondering why the hell she was thinking about Elliot, especially his body right now. Of course she knew why...because no one ever compared to Elliot. No one had that perfectly straight, white smile that always made her weak in the knees and simultaneously irritated her all at the same time. No one had that strong jaw line, the slight slope of his nose, the perfectly trimmed hair. No one had those blue eyes...those damn blue eyes that read her like a damn book. And the body...as much as she hated Rachel, she had been right about that. No one had a body like Elliot Stabler and quite frankly...no one should. Damn him...she couldn't think about Elliot right now.

She was still upset about the night before...she had been up until almost four in the morning tossing and turning thinking about it. She had ignored all phone calls from Rachel and was grateful she didn't show up at the apartment like she thought she would. She wasn't sure what she would have said if she did. Although...she had a feeling words wouldn't be needed. She was more than certain she would have punched her square in the face...not that it would have done her any good.

Elliot wasn't hers. He could kiss anyone he damn well pleased and if he wanted to kiss Rachel Sellers...then so be it. And as she had told Elliot last night...they were just work partners. Nothing more.

What kept her up the latest had mostly been the look on his face when she said that. The pleading in his voice when he tried to talk to her about what happened. It was one of those moments...one of those damn moments that she wondered if there was more to their relationship. What did he want? What the hell did he want? What did she want?

She was starting to think she didn't even know anymore.

Glancing at the clock, she realized she had to leave now or she wouldn't make it on time. And she had to go on this date. She just had to go on this date. He told her to go on this damn date and damn him...she was going to do just that. Looking at herself one more time in the mirror, she fixed her makeup, ran a hand, threw her hair and then grabbed her bag and walked towards the door because she didn't know what else to do.

Twenty minutes later, she walked into the restaurant and glanced around looking for Ethan. It took a moment, the place was crowded. But she found him in the back corner. When he saw her, he stood up, smiled and offered her a small wave. Taking a deep breath, she walked towards him telling herself that this was a good thing. Ethan was a nice guy...he could be a good guy for her.

When she approached the table, he put his arms out and smiled, "You look wonderful Olivia."

She blushed slightly and moved towards her chair, "Thank you."

Ethan quickly moved to pull her chair out, "Please, sit."

She settled herself into the set as he pushed it further into the table and she could feel the nerves rising up from her toes. Ethan sat across from her and reached for a bottle beside him. She glanced at it and saw it was a bottle of red wine, he had clearly ordered it for them and something about it irked her. She didn't like men making decisions for her. Even something as small as picking out a wine choice…

But she pushed the thought aside and smiled, "Um...have you been here before?"

He looked around and nodded, "A few times. You?"

She shook her head, "No. I haven't…" She laughed nervously, "To be honest...I don't get out much. Work keeps me pretty busy…"

He smiled and poured her a glass of wine without asking, "I'm sure it does. I know that Elliot works a lot. He tends to miss things with the kids…"

Olivia's face flushed, and she wanted to somehow crawl under the table and stay there forever. Less than a minute in and Elliot had been mentioned, "Yeah. Well we deal with some pretty intense cases. It's difficult to...get away when a rapist is on the loose." She cringed, "Sorry...not real good date conversation."

Ethan nodded and picked up his glass, "No. It's okay. I'm actually fascinated that you would choose such an intense job."

"Why?" She asked curiously, reaching for her own glass.

He shrugged and smiled, "I don't know, I guess because you're such a beautiful woman. Would you want to put yourself in a situation like that? I'm sure many of the criminals you face want you and-"

"I can take care of myself." She knew she had snapped and he settled back in his chair, "I...just mean I know how to handle myself."

Ethan nodded slowly, "That's...that's good. Plus you have Elliot to back you up. I mean you must be good partners if you're willing to help out so much with his kids."

She swallowed the wine hard, it tasted bitter and she hated it but she was pretty sure she wasn't surviving this date without alcohol, "We've...worked together a long time. We're...good friends. And his kids are great…"

Ethan nodded, "Maureen and Emma are great friends. She seems like a nice kid. I'm sure it's been hard without Kathy around."

Olivia knew better then to say something about his wife, "Hm…"

The waiter came over and interrupted them and she was grateful for the distraction. She gritted her teeth when she heard him start to order an appetizer for them without asking for her input. It was going to be a long night…

The kids were fast asleep and Elliot was laying on the couch listening to the reporter on the screen talk about some break in spree in the Bronx. The cop in him always listened to these types of stories. He knew if Olivia was here...she'd listen to the details and be thinking of ways to solve it. She always did. If they watched a crime documentary or a Dateline special...she always made him play a game to see who could solve it first. Usually...she was the winner.

He loved the way she'd clap her hands, smile and throw her head back and laugh. Those were the moments he loved most. When she let her guard down and just showed him the true Olivia. Not Detective Benson, the sharp shooter SVU cop. He loved that side of her too. But it was the moments where she was carefree and open. When she'd smile at him, let him hear her laugh, when she'd tease him so easily. The moments when she let her hair down, put the stress of work away and allowed him to get a glimpse of the Olivia Margaret Benson she wanted to be.

Would Ethan get to see that woman tonight? Would he get to see all the parts of her that she never let him see?

He sighed, reached for the beer on the coffee table able and knew that tonight was going to be another very restless night. And more than that...he knew that seeing her Monday was going to be so damn hard.

Olivia had done her best to put on a brave face during the dinner. But there was so much about Ethan O'Conner that irked her. The ordering for her, the touching when she didn't warrant it, the bragging about his money, the way when he asked a question and she went to answer, he never let her finish and talked about himself instead.

He was arrogant and thought he was funny but he wasn't. It felt forced. All of it. Fake. And she realized so many of her dates were like this. It was never easy. She could never be herself. She could never let them see who she really was.

But Elliot knew her...maybe not fully. But he knew her in ways that no one else ever had. It was easy with him. So damn easy. Even when it wasn't easy...when he was driving her crazy and they were arguing there was still an ease there. She didn't feel judged around him. Didn't feel like he would ever make her feel less than…

How many dinners had she had with Elliot? The conversation had always flowed. He wouldn't have ordered for her, and if he did he would have at least asked her first. But he knew her, knew what her favorite dishes were at any given restaurant. Even still, he'd ask because he knew she needed to have choices in life. He knew she had to feel in control. She had always been in control of her life...or at least she tried to be and he understood that that was important to her. He respected that. He pushed her past her comfort zone but still allowed her to figure things out on her own while still finding a way to be there when she failed.

She couldn't stop thinking about him as they drove back to her apartment. She had told Ethan she was fine taking a cab, but once again he hadn't given her a choice. She was so tired, and ready for the damn date to be over, she just went along with it. Suddenly they were outside her apartment while he was rambling on about some deal on a very expensive apartment complex on the Upper East Side. It was all going in one ear and out the other…

When he parked, she turned to him and smiled, "Thanks for dinner Ethan and the ride home. I had...a nice time."

Ethan leaned closer to her, "Well the night doesn't have to end quite yet, does it?"

She cringed and sat back, "You know Ethan…"

He sighed and sat back in his chair, "At least let me walk you to your door? I wouldn't be a gentleman if I didn't…"

Once again she knew he wasn't going to take no for an answer, she smiled and nodded, "Sure."

Together, they exited the car and she was very aware of how close he walked behind her. Alex, Fin and Munch used to tease her about how close Elliot walked behind her. Yet...that never made her feel uncomfortable. Never made her feel crowded or unsafe. She rolled her eyes knowing that she shouldn't feel unsafe now, she could take Ethan out in a second if she wanted too but something about it just felt wrong.

They rode the elevator together in silence, walked up to the door and she turned to him, "Well...this is me. So, thanks for walking me up."

He stared at her for a moment, "You know...you really are a stunning woman."

She pressed a hand into the wood of the door behind her, "Thank you Ethan. But I think-"

"I'd like to come in." He said with a smile, she cringed but he didn't seem to notice, "So...can I?'

She shook her head and tried to stay calm, "No Ethan...I'm sorry but no."

He stood up a little straighter, "Come on Olivia...you're a single, attractive woman. I'm a single...semi attractive man." He said with a smirk, "Let's live a little…"

She narrowed her eyes at him and shook her head again, "Ethan, you should really go now."

Ethan huffed, "Geez...what did Elliot have to do to get you to give it up?"

She froze in her spot and glared at him, completely shocked by his words. "Excuse me?"

He laughed and stepped back, "No woman plays Mommy to four kids for a guy who's just a friend. So if there was something going on with you two...you should have just said something."

Turning, she put her key in the lock needing to put as much space between them as possible , "Okay. We're done here. And don't bother calling."

Ethan laughed behind her, "So you didn't deny that you screwed him. I'll have to give him a high five the next time I see him."

She whipped around and shoved him back unable to stop herself, "Are you kidding me right now?"

Ethan laughed and leaned in closer, "Oh...she's getting feisty. Want to get some of that aggression out Detective?"

She grabbed his arm as he reached for her, "If you so much as touch me I'll break your arm. Understood?"

He rolled his eyes, "So maybe you didn't screw him. Maybe you're just a prude. Could be because you're surrounded by rape all day...you haven't been able to let yourself be touched by a real man out of fear. But I could show you-"

He reached for her again and as his lips ascended on hers, her knee flew up and collided with his crotch. The anguished cry that he escaped his lips was oh so satisfying and she shoved him back, "I don't care how the hell you get out of this building but you're going to leave now. Otherwise...we're going to have a serious problem."

Ethan slid down the wall and held his groin, "Jesus Christ…"

She glared at him as she walked into the apartment, "Told you I could handle myself. Goodbye Ethan."

As she slammed the door shut behind her, she heard him mutter bitch and she wanted to open it again to hit him a second time. But quite frankly, she hoped she never had to see him again. This had been such a mistake. Listening carefully, she heard him stumbling in the hallway and groaning as he went and it gave her a slight sense of pride that she had hurt him. Turning to lock the door, she walked into the apartment and wished she could erase this whole night from her memory.

Elliot was going to ask. If...he even talked to her again after their fight Friday night. She threw herself on the couch and then she thought about Maureen and it made it so much worse. Ethan was the father of her best friend...she should have known better. Then again...maybe Elliot wouldn't want her near the kids anymore as it was. Maybe in the last week, she had lost everything and anything that had meant something to her.

How did she always find herself in these messes?

On Monday morning, Elliot got to the precinct before her. They hadn't spoken since Friday night and it had taken all the strength in him to not call her or show up yesterday at her apartment. He didn't know what good it would do if any...but it had been torture not seeing her or hearing from her. Not knowing where they stood. And thinking about her going on a date with Ethan was a whole other mess indeed…

At exactly 8, she stepped into the squad room and walked over to her desk across from his. She set her coat down, tossed her bag on the top of her desk and looked up at him. Their eyes locked for a moment, and then she looked away quickly. He waited, needing her to make the first move here because he didn't think he was brave enough to start.

Swallowing hard, she looked at him and then frowned, "Can we uh...talk for a minute? Before everyone gets here?"

Elliot nodded slowly and stood up, leaning against his own desk, "Sure."

She pointed to the room beside Cragen's office and he nodded, together they walked towards the room. Always in sync. He was right behind her, as close as Ethan had been walking into the building last night. But his presence was so different to her. Even now when she wasn't sure where they stood, she didn't feel uncomfortable or out of control in this situation. She felt safe. Like no matter what happened...he'd be right there to catch her.

Elliot closed the door behind them as they stepped inside. Turning to look at her, she was anxious, she paced for a moment and then stopped behind the table, creating space between them. Normally he could read her body language but right now he couldn't. She looked, confused. Was it because of their fight, or was there something more going on? Was she about to tell him that her date was everything and more than she expected? Was their chance over before it ever really began?

Clearing his throat he tapped the table once, "Liv?"

She looked up and frowned, "Look I'm sorry about Friday night." He stood up a little straighter, "Rachel and I...have a complicated history and she gets me all riled up for no reason. It was stupid. I had no right to get upset about…" She looked down again and didn't finish her thought but he didn't need her too, "I was out of line and I just...hope it's not-"

"Rachel was in the wrong." He said quickly, "And for the record...I didn't want that kiss. I made that clear. More than once. But she-"

She rolled her eyes, "Yeah...I know. I know Rachel you don't need to explain."

Elliot watched her, studied the way that her hands never stopped moving, "Liv-"

"I just…" She looked at him with a look that broke his heart, "I don't want things to be weird. And I feel like things are weird...and I hate that." She sucked in her bottom lip and then shrugged, "What I said about us just being work partners." Her face flushed and she looked down again, unable to meet his gaze, "You are my best friend and I don't want...to lose that. I couldn't take it. Can we...can we just go back to the way it was? Forget any of this happened?"

I don't want to lose that. I couldn't take it.

To him, that said everything that was wrong with this situation. It was the thing that was holding them both back. There was so much to lose…

"Is...that what you want?" He asked softly, "To forget any of this happened?"

She nodded slowly, "Yes." But her voice wasn't very convincing, "I just want things to go back to normal…"

"And what was normal?" He asked curiously, he knew he was treading on thin ice but he needed to know what she was thinking.

Holding the table in front of her she fidgeted, "Just...working together. Me...spending time with you and the kids. You know if you...if you're okay with that. If the kids want me around-"

"They do." He said, interrupting her, and he saw her relax slightly, "I do…"

A slow smile spread on her lips and she felt relieved, "Good...that's good."

He could have left it here...let it go back to 'normal' because at least she'd be around. At least he'd see her, the kids would see her. At least he would have her in some way. But he had to know...what else there was coming around the corner. Munch and Fin had teased him about missed opportunities and he wasn't going to let that happen again.

"How was your date with Ethan?" He asked, and she tensed again, his heart plummeted to his stomach as he waited for what he assumed would be an answer that broke him.

"It was...fine." She shrugged and rubbed the back of her neck, "But um...I don't think we'll be seeing each other again."

He had to try and keep himself calm because he wanted to throw his hands in the air and cheer. She didn't think they would see each other again. She hadn't had a good time. Ethan wasn't as perfect as Elliot thought he was. Maybe she had been thinking about Elliot the whole night, just like he had been thinking about her all alone at home.

Maybe going back to 'normal', could mean a fresh start at something more.

"Oh…" He whispered, trying to keep his voice neutral, "I'm...sorry to hear that."

She looked away from him and nodded, "I hope...it isn't awkward with Maureen. I should never have-"

He shook his head, "No. No it's fine. Maureen and Emma are just kids...they won't know the difference." He paused for a moment and then asked, "Can I ask-"

"It just…" She shrugged not wanting to get into it, Elliot could never know what really happened. Olivia knew all too well how he would react and that wasn't something that could or should happen. Not for Maureen's sake or Elliot's even. If she could protect them she would, no matter the cost to her own pride. "It didn't feel right. We weren't...compatible. Nothing serious. Just one of those things…"

"No connection. No spark." He said, catching her eye and willing her to hold his gaze.

He saw her swallow hard and she nodded, "Yeah...no connection."

"It's hard to find that...that real connection." He said, hoping she understood what he was trying to say, "Some people never do."

"No...some people never do." She said, her eyes were locked on him and she was pretty sure she was going to stop breathing at some point if he kept looking at her like that.

"Other people are lucky enough to find it...but are sometimes too afraid to do something about it." He said, still holding her brown eyes with his blue.

She didn't respond but she knew what he was saying, she felt it in her bones. She knew he did too. She understood what he was saying. She was finally seeing it all clearly and obviously so was he.

The only question was...what now?

But before either of them could say anything else, there was a knock on the door behind them and Cragen popped his head in, "What are you two doing in here?"

Olivia practically jumped out of her skin when she heard her boss's voice, "Sorry Cap...we were just talking…"

Cragen looked between them both and could feel the tension, but that was something he was used to, "Okay...well if you're done catching up. I need you down at Mercy. Now."

Walking around the table, Olivia nodded, "Got it."

"Notes are on your desk. Cabot will meet you there." Cragen said, turning to walk out the door again.

Olivia turned to look at Elliot, but he just stared at her, still lost in the moment before Cragen came in, "So...are we okay?" She asked softly.

Elliot nodded slowly, "We're...okay." He saw her visibly relax and he continued to talk, "If we happen to get out of here at a decent hour...want to come by for dinner? The kids have...missed you."

She smiled softly, but felt her heart ache at his words, "Yeah...I'd like that."

Elliot took a deep breath and walked towards her, "Good. That's good…"

They stared at each other for another minute, letting all the things hang between them unsaid. Only this time around...it felt different. Like there was some understanding between them that didn't need to be discussed today but would be in the future. When...neither of them were quite sure. But if they could just hold on a little while longer, let the dust settle some more...maybe it would all pay off in the end.