CHAPTER 5: The Cursed Not-A-Parakeet

Remember how I said 'barring a few exceptions'?

Orihime's Apartment

"Wait, so the Italian Mafia are the good guys?" Ichigo asks as Rukia modifies an unconscious Tatsuki's memories.

"H*ll no," Orihime says, sipping some tea and brandishing a handgun, "I'm still going to bury you if you step out of line, but you paid for protection so protection you'll get."

"How did you hurt that Hollow?" Rukia asks from the ground, "They're immune to conventional weaponry."

"Italy is the heart of Catholicism. You don't think we know how to deal with ghosts? Have you not heard of The Crusades? The Coliseum? NASCAR?"

"Isn't that last one American? And who dies en masse in NASCAR?"

Orihime chuckles into her teacup.

"Wait, which question were you laughing at?"

"You know that little toy she's using to modify memories?" Orihime asks, pointing at Rukia, "We made that. Sold it to the Shinigami if they agreed to use it to rewrite the entire world's memories for us. The French were getting a little too cocky, so we made them convince the entire world that the Belgians made French Fries. They only did half the job, but it's fine because now every time someone they missed insists that French Fries are French, that person gets looked at like an idiot and that's hilarious."

"Well, are there any other world-shattering secrets I don't know about?"

"Canada's not real," Orihime says, matter-of-factly.

"Seriously?"

"Yep. It's actually a man-made astronomical anomaly that exudes electromagnetic radiation at the reverse-phase frequency of the Bermuda Triangle to keep it from doing whatever it was intended for."

"Well, where do Canadians come from, then?"

"Hospital patients in Wisconsin and Oregon that are kidnapped by the C.I.A. and given intravenous infusions of maple syrup and moose blood. If anyone goes missing in either place there's a sixty-seven percent chance they've been turned into a Canadian."

"I can't tell if you're screwing with me."

"Can we please stay on topic?" Rukia interrupts, "The Hollow?"

"Certainly. The gun is blessed. The bullets too, for good measure, but those are more expensive than normal ammo, so I save them for emergencies. Speaking of which," Orihime says, leveling the pistol at Rukia, "Screw with my memories and we'll find out if they work on Shinigami, too."

"Okay, okay," Rukia says, backing up with raised hands.

"Now, I think that concludes our business here, so get out of my house,"

"Wait, I'm not done-"

"Out." she gestures to the door with the pistol.

"You never told me what that has to do with NASCAR!" Ichigo shouts as Rukia drags hin away.

Karakura Town: Construction Site - Night

Slipping between scaffolding and piles of steel beams, Harutoki Ide and Gitano Shigeo enter a construction site under the cover of night. Chad is here somewhere, this being one of the few places that didn't require refitting when he moved into town. After a brief search, they duck into a particular room and find him waiting.

"Chad, my man," Ide says as he approaches, "You're looking...different."

"New skin cream," Chad responds.

Silence persists for several seconds while they try to figure out how to get their transaction started.

"The glowing is new," Shigeo says, before it can become awkward.

"Do you have it?" Chad asks.

"Right here," Ide responds, setting a cage down.

"This one will talk?" Chad asks.

"You know it, buddy. Would I lie to you?

"You have the past seven times. I've given you my family's entire life savings," Chad says, reaching for the cage.

"Hold on there," Ide says, swiping the cage away, "That'll be $300."

"What are you even doing with American money?"

"Do I ask why you're looking for talking animals?"

"Yes. Constantly. And I always tell you-"

"Yeah, yeah. National security or whatever."

"That's not even close to what I said."

Hueco Mundo

Somewhere in realm of Hollows, at a particular spot that looks exactly like all the other spots, several Hollows gather to discuss how they like to eat souls. Since this is a parody however, that statement has a slightly different interpretation.

"Okay, so first you preheat your oven to 350."

"Fahrenheit or Celsius?"

"It doesn't matter, you don't use the oven for anything. It's just to scare them. While that's going on, you grease a pan with some soulive oil and add a pinch of soult."

Also, all the ingredients they talk about are puns on the word 'soul'.

"But how much is a pinch?! That measurement is vague to the point of meaninglessness," one Hollow says.

Construction Site

"You seriously think that there's a cadre of evil seals trying to monopolize the world's fish supply?" Ide laughs raucously, Shigeo laughing nervously alongside him.

"This isn't a joke. I told my family about their plans and the next day they all disappeared."

Hueco Mundo

"You're making this more complicated than it needs to be. Just stick your hand in the soult and pinch some up."

"My hands are the size of trains! That's why they call me Train Hands!" the Hollow named Train Hands says as it gesticulates wildly and smacks at least seven smaller Hollows out of the gathering.

Construction Site

Ide and Shigeo continue laughing until a harsh squeal sounds as a steel beam falls from above, their laughing having masked the groaning of it weakening. They both close their eyes and hear a thump, but feel no pain. When they open them again, they see Chad standing over them, the beam on his shoulder. The screeching continues however, until Ide realized it's coming from him.

Ide's scream slowly diminishes into a squeak as Chad leans in close.

"Take your money and leave the country," he whispers, "Never stay in one place for longer than a month, never return anywhere you've been previously, and never look over your shoulder. If they know you know, they won't bother making it look like an accident."

Karakura High School: Rooftop

"Hey, did Orihime tell you how she got back into her body?" Ichigo asks Rukia as he prepares his lunch, "I could use a method that doesn't involve head trauma."

"No. She said it was a 'trade secret', whatever that means. How do you open this?!" Rukia demands, holding up a juice box.

"Wha- Hey! That's my juice box!"

"You weren't drinking it."

"I was saving it for my lunch!"

"But how do you open it?"

"Just stick the straw in."

"What's a straw?"

"Now I know you're screwing with me. Modern straws were patented in 1888 and Sumerians were using primitive versions 5000 years ago. There's no way you're older than straws."

"...Why do you know that?"

"My dad locked me out a lot."

The conversation diminishes into relative silence as Rukia continues to struggle with the juice box and Ichigo sits there eating his lunch.

"Taiyō!"

"Huh?" Ichigo asks.

"I didn't say that."

With a loud smack, the door flies open with enough force to hit the opposite wall and Mizuiro Kojima rolls out onto the rooftop holding a hair dryer with a hand mirror taped to it. Rising from his roll, he thrusts an arm out to the sky.

"Taiyō!" he says.

"Are you alright?" Ichigo asks.

"Hey, guys." Keigo Asano says, walking through the open door.

"Why won't this thing open?!" Rukia says, throwing the juice box to the ground and climbing atop an HVAC unit.

"Hey, isn't that the sacred juice box of the god of metal?"

"The what?" Ichigo asks.

"Elbow drop!" Rukia yells, taking a page from Ichigo's book. She falls onto the juice box, but it slips out from under her.

Asano then proceeds to explain to them the nature of the juice box. It's origin is a source of intense debate by accomplished scholars as far back as last Tuesday. The box is an indestructible artifact said to contain all the power of the god of metal, and it's rumored that whoever opens it will acquire all of that power.

Upon hearing this, Rukia's enthusiasm redoubles. She doesn't know what this 'power of the god of metal' is, but it will likely be enough to get her back to the Soul Society and spare her a painful fate. All she has to do is open this juice box. She rises hastily, and commences muttering an incantation and exerting as much power as she can.

"Taiyō," Kojima says again.

"What's wrong with him?" Ichigo asks.

"I don't know. He showed up at my house this morning with that contraption," Asano says, gesturing to the device in Kojima's hand, "and told me he's going to avenge his father and then just started shouting 'Taiyō'. He hasn't said anything else since."

"Maybe we should-"

"Sokatsui," Rukia whispers from behind Asano to ensure he can't see the fire spraying from her hand. As smoke fills the rooftop, Rukia spies Kojima staring at her. When he realizes he's been seen, Kojima takes off for the stairs and Rukia has to chase him down the steps and to another floor where they go in circles for several minutes. Far away, the demons in Ichigo's closet start playing wacky saxophone music again, scaring Yuzu who is still looking for her pajamas. Eventually she catches him and moves to modify his memories. Her Kikanshinki runs out of fuel midway through the process, but she gets all the important memories modified. Anything else will likely be written off as misremembered and even if it isn't he can only say 'taiyō', so who can he tell? Since he's no longer necessary for this chapter, Rukia gets up and leaves him there.

Arriving back on the rooftop, Rukia sees that Chad is there and the fire is gone, though most of the smoke remains. Chad is technically not allowed on this rooftop because of structural risk, but none of the staff are paid enough to walk up to him and say that so he goes up there anyway.

When she sits back down, Rukia notices the bird in the cage and stares intently at it.

"Ichigo," she whispers, "Do you notice anything strange about that parrot?"

"That's not a parrot, Rukia," he whispered back, "I mean it is, technically, but it's not the kind of parrot you're thinking of."

"Fine, then. Do you notice anything strange about that parakeet?"

"It's a cockatiel. You see the crest and the spots of color on the cheeks?"

"Well, excuse me Mr. Ornithologist. Look, that-"

"Wait, how do you know what an Ornithologist is, but you don't know what straws are?"

"Will you listen to me?" she hisses, "That bird has a human soul in it. We need to perform Konsō on it."

Their conversation continues until the smoke completely clears up, whereupon Rukia looks at the juice box to find it isn't even singed.

"What is this thing made of?!"

Kurosaki Clinic: Entrance - Evening

Upon arriving home, Ichigo is immediately nearly blindsided by a stretcher. Narrowly dodging it, he sees it being pushed by Karin. As Yuzu rushes by with a box of painkillers, Ichigo stops her.

"What happened?" he asks.

"A building collapsed." Isshin says, walking into the room, "I told them the updated building codes weren't a joke. I told them they needed stronger infrastructure, but no one ever listens to me."

"Can I help?"

Isshin considers refusing, but remembers that he's trying to be a better person.

"We don't have enough resources to make casts for everyone," he says finally, "Go to your room and get that drywall mud and finishing tape."

Hours later, the clinic is on its last patient. As Karin and Yuzu sit in the lobby, mailing bills out, Ichigo walks into the examination room and sees Chad standing there, Isshin doing his best to push the giant out of the room.

"Dad, what are you doing?" Ichigo demands, "That's my friend!"

"He spent everything he had on that bird, so unless he intends to give it to us, he can't pay for treatment."

Ichigo studies the injury on Chad's back, recognizing it as the same type that had been on Orihime's leg.

"There's a Hollow after him," Ichigo realizes, "Probably for the soul in that bird."

Determining that if he can get Chad to stay Ichigo can perform Konsō on the bird and deal with the Hollow, he tries to concoct a way to keep Chad here.

"...would be a lot easier if you would just give us the bird," Isshin says.

"No."

"I have an idea," Ichigo intervenes, remembering Chad's offer to help clean up a few days ago, "You know that giant hole on the living room?"

"Ichigo, that's brilliant!" Isshin says.

"Yeah, we can treat him now and he can pay us by fix-"

"By standing in front of the hole all night to block the air."

"That...wasn't quite what I-Are you sure that's the best solution?"

"Absolutely."

So they treat Chad and place him in the living room for the night to block the air until morning. As he's heading to his room for the night, Ichigo hears talking. Peeking into the room it's coming from, he sees his father holding a sword and concentrating.

"Come on, old man," Isshin says to himself as he raises and lowers the sword in a vaguely familiar motion,"You've got one more in you."

Ichigo tries to think about what this might mean, but every time he comes close to realizing his head gets all fuzzy because spoilers. Eventually he gives up on it and proceeds to his room, where he remembers that his bed is still broken. Falling onto it anyway since he doesn't have much of a choice, Ichigo rolls onto his back and closes his eyes.

"Chad is definitely going to disappear," he thinks to himself as he drifts off.

Kurosaki Clinic: Ichigo's Room - Morning

"Chad disappeared!" Isshin shouts, waking Ichigo before he can say something random. He rolls off his bed and onto the floor, a short journey since the bed is no less broken today than it was last night, and proceeds to the living room.

Kurosaki Clinic: Living Room

"I don't understand," Isshin says to himself as Ichigo arrives in the room, "I stood by the front door all night. How could he just disappear?"

"Maybe it had something to do with the giant hole that leads directly outside that you had him stand in front of all night?"

"I don't need your sass. Go find him."

Moving past his father, Ichigo proceeds out the front door. He could have just gone through the giant hole, but that would have messed up the timing for the next scene so he didn't.

Karakura Town Streets

As Ichigo is passing by his room from the outside, he hears a familiar noise above him.

"Another sandstorm?" he asks, diving to the ground, "Where are they coming from?"

"Hey!" Rukia says, jumping out of his window to land beside him, "What are you doing?"

"Chad is being chased by a Hollow. I have to find him and help him."

"And how exactly do you plan to do that? Hollows hide in the space between worlds, you know. You can't just-"

"Are you deaf? He's like eight feet tall. The earth shakes every time he walks. I'm just following the aftershocks."

"Oh."

CHAPTER 5 END

Don't try to create makeshift casts from drywall mud and finishing tape. You'll lose your medical license for sure.