In today's chapter: Phil contemplates a lot about grief, regret and a wall hitting you straight in the face

Phil knew that sooner or later, Tommy was going to hit a wall.

He knew because he had been in that position, he had hit that same wall. Things had been different for him, sure. Phil had years to mourn the death of the person he had come to know, had come to care about. He had struggled through the throes of grief enough to come out on the other side with only the invisible scars that affection was wont to leave on a heart when it was ripped away from them far too cruelly and far too sudden.

So when he met Technoblade for the second time, hair in tangles and blood streaked across his face, Phil had already accepted that the person he was faced with was not the same one who had died. The blank lack of recognition in ruby eyes did not upset him so much as it puzzled him, driving home the reality of what Phil had already known.

But Tommy was not granted any of that grander perspective.

Phil climbed the ladder to the second floor when the sun had crept high enough in the sky to reflect off the snow outside in bright waves but he still hadn't heard either one of the gremlins up and about. He was used to Tommy sleeping in late, but Technoblade was an early riser at all ages and would usually be running around by this hour.

The sight that met him instead was both of them curled up in the same bed, the blankets tugged loosely around Tommy's waist. His arms were wrapped completely around Techno's sleeping body, almost like he was holding a stuffed animal. Techno didn't seem to mind, with his head tucked beneath Tommy's chin he looked more than comfortable. Phil appreciated it for a moment, just a glimpse at something that reminded him of a time when the world felt so much warmer to him.

Even if he knew he didn't deserve this, he wanted to cherish it.

He shook Tommy's shoulder lightly, careful to not startle the boy. Aware that Dream's visit yesterday might have left him more jumpy than usual. Blinking up at him, Tommy yawned and stretched, mumbled something about needing another five minutes, then promptly rolled over onto his stomach. Technoblade squealed loudly at being crushed by his brother's lanky limbs, kicking his small hooves in distress. He pushed Tommy off him – and off the bed – with all the strength a piglin of his current age could muster.

Which was actually a lot in comparison to most humans.

Tommy landed on the floor with a pained grunt, rubbing the back of his head. He glared at Techno, who didn't seem to care and buried into the blankets again. Phil offered him a hand to help him up.

"I'm glad the two of you are getting along," he said with a small laugh as he pulled Tommy to his feet. Not for the first time, he noticed how long Tommy's hair had gotten over exile and wondered if he should offer to cut it.

"Why wouldn't we get along?" The question was posed sincerely enough to make Phil falter.

"Oh it's..." Phil trailed off and shook his head. "Never mind. Want to come downstairs and have breakfast? We have a long day ahead of us if we want to get started on that farm."

With a nod, Tommy turned back to the bed. "It's time for food, big man." He picked Techno up blanket and all, wrestling the child over his shoulder. Techno struggled half-heartedly before giving in, resigning to his fate of being carried with a soft grunt.

Phil watched the scene play out with a horribly familiar clenching in his chest, and hoped that wall wouldn't hit Tommy too soon.

They cleared up a patch for the farm near the house, towards the south where the sun would have the most luck warming the ground. Potatoes were durable vegetables and could thrive almost anywhere, but Phil didn't think it would hurt to give them a better chance at surviving the weather. They could even consider building a lean-to or other sort of covering, then they might achieve the conditions needed to grow carrots too.

Tommy helped him while keeping up a constant stream of chatter. Phil hadn't realized how little of a chance they had gotten to talk since he came to the server and enjoyed it, though Tommy mostly spoke about L'Manberg and the things they did long before the revolution. Techno got bored of the tedious work almost immediately and went off to play with Max instead. By the time noon had come and gone Ghostbur came by too, floating to sit on top one of the fenceposts they were putting into the hardened earth.

Phil couldn't help but notice the way the conversation shifted. Tommy hesitated in his story and fell silent more often, eventually stopping altogether. He smiled at the shade of what was once his brother, fragile grin pulled taunt at the edges. Phil couldn't place why that bothered him so badly.

When they recounted the events of the previous day to Ghostbur, he hummed. "I saw Dream yesterday too, he was very agitated. He didn't even stop when I offered him some blue to cheer up." The ghost was clearly perturbed by it, as if he couldn't see any reason why somebody would refuse his help. "I think it might be good that you knew he was coming, if he was that angry."

"It was," Phil agreed.

"Wait, how did you know Dream was coming yesterday anyway. Did he message you?" Tommy asked. "I didn't know you two were on those terms."

Phil cringed. "We aren't. Tubbo was the one who messaged me."

Tommy's fingers tightened around his hammer at the mention of that name, lips pulling down further into a small frown. His eyes darted away and Phil regretted the confession instantly, realizing he should have been more subtle about it.

He pushed another stake into the ground, observing Tommy carefully as he did it. "Why don't you talk to him, Tommy? I'm sure he wants to hear from you, he's concerned too." The glare shot his way was enough to make Phil force his jaw shut with an audible click.

"If he wanted to hear from me he could have. I'm literally right here. Tubbo doesn't give a shit."

"You don't mean that," Phil said softly, but really was it even his place to say? Everything had changed so much over the course of the last few months. Wilbur, Techno,... All the things Phil had once taken as certainties in this world were gradually turning out to be more nebulous than he ever could have thought.

Who was he to say Tommy and Tubbo's friendship wasn't one of them.

Remembering how close the two used to be, it still felt wrong to him. "I think you should-"

"Don't fucking tell me what to do!" Tommy yelled back, anger flaring abruptly. He dropped his hammer onto the ground, whirling around to take off. Phil tried calling after him but barely had time to react before the boy's back was receding into the tree line, quickly moving out of sight.

Phil grimaced but decided to let it go. Tommy would cool down and be back, he was sure of it. And in the meantime, he could finish this farm. Then at least he'd have one thing less to think about.

But when the sky started turning shades of purple and dark blue, Tommy still hadn't returned.

Phil had made beef stew with fresh bread – Tommy's favorite – as a peace offering, hoping it would cheer him up. Now the third bowl sat growing stale on the table, steam wafting upward. Staring out the window, Phil remembered his words to Dream the day before about how Tommy didn't need anybody looking after him. They left a bitter aftertaste in hindsight.

Technoblade must share his worry because the young piglin kept opening the door. Almost as if he expected Tommy would magically have appeared on the other side. He huffed each time he was met with disappointment, looking at Phil over his shoulder. "Tom?" he complained eventually when the dozenth time of opening the door didn't show any change.

Phil tried to give him a smile. "You're wondering where he went too, mate?"

"Dark." Techno pointed out the window, like Phil could have somehow missed the descending twilight. "Bad." He thought it over for a moment to find the words he could use to express his concerns, then made a low snorting noise. The sound piglins typically made to warn their pack about danger or hostile mobs.

"Yeah, I know." Phil pushed off on his knees to get up. "Let's go look for him then."

Techno nodded and grabbed his sword. Despite the absurd sight it made, Phil knew the kid could defend himself. You'd be surprised how much of sword training remains as ingrained muscle memory even after death.

"Stay close to me," he urged as they stepped outside. Night was falling rapidly, already obscuring much of their vision. It wouldn't do for Phil to lose two sons in the same woods. Holding out his arm, a flutter of wings from the roof signaled that Twitch had noticed he'd need them. The crow jumped down and perched on his arm expectantly, already gawking for treats.

"I'll give you something if you help?" Phil laughed at the bird's indignant squawking, but its head bobbed rhythmically to signal it was listening. "We need to find Tommy, you can do that right?" Another few bobs and an affirmative chirp. Twitch took off in the sky, circling a few times to survey their surroundings before swooping lower and taking off in a westward direction. Phil signaled for Techno to follow as they went after it.

Since it was still early they didn't encounter as many mobs on their way. A few lumbering zombies that Phil easily dealt with and a skeleton with a crossbow that fired at them from a distance but was simply bypassed. He was just hoping Tommy hadn't run into any of them, seeing as Phil didn't think he'd taken any weapons with him. Twitch stopped to sit atop a branch ahead of them, waiting so they could catch up. Its black iridescent wings made it hard to spot between the leaves, but it was loud enough to lead them through the overshadowed undergrowth.

At last, Phil realized what it was they were heading towards.

Logstedshire was but a husk of its former self, a far cry from how Phil had last seen it when previously he had been here. There could be an apt comparison to how Tommy looked the first time Phil reunited with him too. The ground was hollowed out and sunken into uneven craters, the result of a series of small explosions. Charred wood and some stone was all that remained of the structures Tommy had once built there, trying to make the best out of a horrible situation.

And sitting in the middle of that pit jagged and empty enough to swallow him completely from sight was the boy who built this place, knees pulled to his chest and arms wrapped around himself. Phil felt his shoulders sag at the assurance that Tommy hadn't been hurt or worse, though not being hurt was not the same as not hurting.

Phil had always done what he believed to be right in every situation. That was the sort of moral absolute he had to exist by to ensure he wouldn't lose his mind given his age and how much longer he had the potential to live for. Regret could only pile up so much before it became the only thing left to feel, immortality didn't change that.

But doing what he believed to be right couldn't be synonymous with never doing anything wrong. Phil had lived long enough to realize this too.

"Tommy?" He had to be careful as he walked across uneven ground, almost tripping over the pieces of debris still stuck in the earth. Tommy raised his head to look at him, pale tracks through the grime on his face the first thing Phil noticed.

Tommy rubbed at his face, but it was clear the tears had dried up a while ago. "What are you doing here?"

"What are we- Tommy, you were gone for hours. We came to make sure you hadn't gotten yourself killed."

Techno stumbled into his brother, grasping at his arm to get him to stand up. Tommy slowly got onto his feet, dirt streaking his faded jeans and the palms of his hands. "I didn't know it had been that long," he admitted sheepishly, staring up at the sky dumbfounded at the fact that evening had fallen already. He shook his head slightly, getting out of the daze.

"It's fine, we were just worried," Phil said quickly. He touched Tommy's arm, only to notice how cold he was. Tommy wasn't wearing more than a sweater and the temperature had dropped massively since they were working on the farm this afternoon. "Here." Phil shrugged off the outer layer of his coat, holding it out to him.

Tommy didn't move to take it. "What are you doing?"

"Making sure you don't freeze to death."

Crossing his arm, the kid had the audacity to scoff. "I don't even need it. You should keep it since old people get cold so quickly, Phil."

Phil balled up the fabric and threw it at Tommy's face in response. "Just take the damn jacket, you brat."

Tommy rolled his eyes but did relent and put it on. Technoblade was leaning against his leg, mouth stretched wide in a yawn. It was getting late and they should head home.

"Come on," Tommy said, kneeling down and gesturing for Techno to get on his back. The child grasped around his neck, cheek pressed to Tommy's shoulder. "Heh, piggyback ride."

"That's terrible, Tommy," Phil chuckled. He held his sword close to his side as they walked back, making sure nothing could sneak up on them.

After a while of silence stretching between them, Phil couldn't keep quiet any longer. "I really did mean what I said about Tubbo. I think you should talk to him, at least one time. It would do you both some good." Tommy didn't answer. "And I'm also sorry for bringing him up, I didn't know you were going to get that upset."

"I'm not-" Tommy's head whipped around, almost jostling Techno off his back. He made sure to hold the piglin tighter. "Tubbo isn't why I'm upset. Or it's not just him. It's... It's all of this I guess? Tubbo and Techno and... and Wilbur." He swallowed and looked away. "Is he still at the house? I don't know if I can- like, see him right now?"

"I think he left," Phil answered calmly, feeling numb.

He had been so busy on what to do once the wall hit Tommy, he had never even stopped to face the reality that it already had. It already had and Phil hadn't been there for any of it.

While a meager solace, he could console himself with the fact that he was here now, for the present - and for the future.