Author's Note: This chapter is dedicated to a world-class Rolivia writer on this site, Sheepish123. Some of her lighthearted, funny team-bonding fics have been serious inspiration for this fic, and so I give her full credit for the "silly Carisi scene" you'll see in this chapter. To avoid any spoilers, I'll reference the fic that inspired that scene at the end. I highly recommend any and all of her fics! :)
This chapter will be ridiculously lighthearted and also very serious in some parts. Trigger warnings for sexual violence and serious mental health topics.
The excitement began as soon as Fin shot out of the park's visitor parking lot with a screech of tires, as if he were at the wheel of a sports car instead of an NYPD police van.
"Heeere we go!" Kat sang out, followed by a quiet, less cheerful "Fin…" from Olivia, whose eyes of steel were directed at the rearview mirror. It was but one firm word of warning, but damn did Amanda know that when Olivia Benson said your name like that, you listened. Same as when Liv gave "the look" (which was likely why Fin carefully avoided meeting her gaze in the rearview, his eyes glued to the road in front of him).
Their impromptu picnic had been a good decision traffic-wise, some of the early-morning rush hour having dissipated, allowing them to exit the city at a decent, Fin-approved pace. However, the chosen rate of speed was clearly not receiving the same approval from Captain Benson.
"Hey, so what happened to all the fun you ordered earlier, Captain?" Amanda challenged. She had gradually shifted as close as possible to Olivia on the pillow-decked bench, figuring that she could blame this on all of Fin's swerving; it was making her slide to Liv's left, is all. She gave the Captain's arm a teasing nudge with one elbow.
Olivia scoffed and put a hand on Amanda's knee, clasping it for a moment and giving it a gentle, scolding shake. This simple, teasing gesture made the skin of her kneecap tingle beneath her jeans, the shiver of delight traveling south to Amanda's toes and north to the top of her head. "I never specified that this fun could involve law breaking," Olivia pointed out.
"Oh, lots of fun is illegal," Kat piped up. Olivia craned her neck around to fix their newest squad member with stern, incredulous eyes. "Well, for some people, I mean," she meekly amended.
"Who are you, and what have you done with Kat Tamin?" Carisi teased.
They were seconds away from crossing the GW, and Kat smiled and yanked her ponytail free, dark locks tumbling across her shoulders. "You know what? Let's enjoy this wild ride," she declared, clearly taking Carisi's inquiry as some kind of challenge. She jammed her thumb on the lever that operated the automatic windows, all rolling down simultaneously as the van barreled onto the bridge. A blast of cold wind hit them from all sides, making the rainbow twinkle lights swing and everyone's hair whip around and billow.
"What the hell, Kat, it's cold!" Amanda protested with a gasp.
"Step on it, Fin!" Kat hollered.
"So help me, Fin…" Olivia warned, even as Fin revved the engine and upped their speed.
Everyone except Olivia let out a loud whoop, Amanda included. Because, well, they were flying, carried by an incredible rush of wind both outside and inside the van, with warm sun on their faces. The brackish but not unpleasant smell of river water from miles below made Amanda's heart swell and expand, in that way she was always chasing, ever since childhood. It was the feeling like when her Daddy lifted her on his shoulders at the racetrack and she saw the horses glide like lightning, or when she and Kim would drive Georgia backroads in their shared pickup truck as teens, past orchards and down dirt paths, in those rare moments the sisters weren't fighting and were free of the prison that was home.
"See ya later, New York!" Carisi shouted into traffic.
"We are going to the farm, Ei-Ei-Ei-Ohhhh!" Amanda sang out of her window, serenading an angry driver in an adjacent car who clearly didn't appreciate how Fin was soaring across lanes on the bridge. He had started to raise a certain finger, but his eyes bulged in shock when he caught sight of the word POLICE, all caps, on the side of the van, and he yanked his hand down at light speed (It would have been fun to add her own middle finger to Jesse's rendition of Old MacDonald, but Olivia would have imploded.) Her hair whipped around her head like a blonde, runaway tumbleweed as they flew straight out of Manhattan.
"Wooooo!" Kat screamed one final time even after they were over the bridge. She had completely let loose, cheering, whistling, and whooping herself hoarse as if she were at a football game or some other sporting match as they zoomed across the GW with the windows down. She realized a second too late that everyone had stopped yelling and the joyride was over, the squad breathless and panting after screeching and singing like teenagers (minus Olivia, who had been sitting in stunned silence). "Sorry, I see we're done," she said with quiet chagrin, the windows making their slow and dramatic ascent as she pressed the up button.
"Well, that was ridiculous," Amanda announced cheerfully. She plucked a windblown strand of hair out of her mouth.
"You think?" Olivia muttered. She sighed and reached for a checkered throw blanket, unfolding it and then tossing it over Amanda's shoulders, which were trembling after the cold wind gusts from the Hudson, made especially frigid by both high speeds and high altitude. "Not that any of you deserve to warm up," she added, Amanda's face flushing at the gesture and making her feel plenty warmer already. "It's only because I don't want to listen to her teeth chatter for the next half hour."
"Oh, and here I thought it was because you were a big softie, Captain," Carisi snickered.
Olivia pointedly ignored the comment, clearing her throat and turning her attention to their Sergeant behind the wheel. "Fin, know that in the future, that kind of driving will only be tolerated if the sirens ae going."
"Well, we could turn them on for the ride, Cap, if that's what you think is best. Chief sure seemed to think this barnyard bonding time was urgent, so he just might approve a fast-track to the farm," Fin suggested, shrugging his shoulders under several layers of throw blankets, which he had draped over himself like a cape, the fuzzy outermost one light peach with soft fringe.
"As fun as blasting the sirens for the next several hours would be, let's try not to further abuse our police power," Olivia said. "I'm positive that wasn't the Chief's intention for this weekend."
"Police sirens might be a bit much, but how about some tunes?" Kat suggested. "Fin, turn on the radio, will you? Or better yet, anybody have a Spotify or iTunes playlist? We could hook up one of our phones to the van, if Fin there can figure out Bluetooth. Or, I'm sure I've got an old-school auxiliary cord packed somewhere." She waved a hand vaguely at her collection of duffels shoved under the seat.
"Kat, your shit'll go flying again in this van, if you move everything around," Amanda warned, but Kat was already bent over unzipping several compartments and eagerly rummaging.
Amanda blew out a breath of mock frustration. "Can someone get her a tranquilizer?" she mumbled, jerking a thumb in Kat's direction.
Olivia raised her eyebrows in warning, even as her lips twitched in her characteristic attempt to hold back a smile. Amanda wished Liv would allow herself to smile more often. The intensity of Olivia Benson's gaze was always beautiful, whether her expression was stern or contemplative or exquisitely empathetic, but so too was the soft brilliance of her smile, and her big, easy laugh. (Amanda had heard that laugh a few times during their impromptu Frisbee match earlier, and it had been delightfully distracting, enough to make her almost lose the game).
"We are set!" Kat exclaimed, pulling out a cord from one of many side compartments. "Does anyone wanna supply the music, or should I?"
"Here," Carisi offered, retrieving a chunky, vintage IPod classic from the front pocket of his backpack. "This has lots of good tunes. Fin, get us set up, will ya?"
"Oh, great. Not only am I the driver, but also the DJ," Fin grumbled as Carisi got out of his seat to pass him the required electronics, the ADA almost losing his footing during a spectacularly fast lane change. "Any other requests back there?"
"How about both hands on the wheel?" Olivia called out, Fin having pretty much disengaged from driving to plug in the auxiliary cord and stare thoughtfully at the Ipod for several seconds as they continued flying right on down the highway.
"Just hit that button in the center; it'll start up whatever playlist I listened to last," Carisi said.
Fin shrugged and pressed play.
A fanfare of festive trumpets sounded in the van at top volume, followed by a hearty, excessively cheerful voice.
"It's the most wonderful time…of the yearrrrr…."
A moment of shocked silence was followed by a chorus of exclamations—"What the hell?" (Fin), "Seriously?" (Amanda), "Oh, come on," (Liv), and "What's happening?" (Kat). As for Carisi, he opted to stick with the actual chorus blasting through the van, face red with embarrassment even as he sang along and beamed with a smile. "It's the hap-happiest season of all...ding, dong, ding dong…with those holiday greetings and gay happy…"
Fin took his hand off the wheel again, mashing buttons on the IPod in an attempt to skip to the next song. It finally arrived in a flurry of jangling bells, more instruments, and manic holiday cheer.
"Just hear those sleigh bells jingling, ring-ting-tingling tooooo…come on, its lovely weather for a sleigh ride together with youuuu…"
After the third song skip brought Frosty the Snowman to their speakers, Fin forcibly unplugged Carisi's Ipod with a yank, his death glare at the other man unmistakable in the rearview mirror. Everyone else was also staring at the ADA in shocked, annoyed silence.
Carisi finally broke the quiet. "What? Christmas is my favorite holiday. I listen to that playlist to get in the spirit, is all."
"It's May, Carisi," Amanda pointed out dryly, before everyone burst into laughter.
"Aw, come on," Carisi said. "I mean, it's not that crazy, seeing we have lights strung all up around here." He gestured to the cheerful, multi-colored string lights hanging on all four sides of them, which could admittedly also function on a Christmas tree or with stockings on a mantle. "Our very own gingerbread van."
"If you think we'll be Fa-la-la-la-la-ing all the way to the farm, think again" Fin announced. "If I'm driving, I'm picking the music, and Frosty the Snowman is not it."
"How about country?" Amanda said. "It'll set the mood for this weekend."
"Nah, let's do dance music," Kat countered. "Or some jock jams to keep Fin pumped for the rest of this drive. I don't know if he's gonna make it."
"How about quiet?" Olivia put in, sighing and running a hand over her face.
"Oh come on, you guys, my music isn't that bad," Carisi argued. "There's plenty on the Ipod. If you don't like the Christmas playlist, I got one with some great Italian opera. I also have some purely instrumental stuff; it makes for good background noise."
"You mean, like elevator or telephone-hold music?" Kat asked with an eyebrow-raise, struggling to keep the laughter and judgment out of her voice.
"Shit, he's got a playlist of Disney songs!" Fin muttered, fiddling again with the Ipod despite Olivia's admonishments to keep his eyes on the road. He clearly had no problem passing judgment on Carisi's song selections.
"Hey, that's a playlist for my niece!" Carisi defended. "C'mon, Rollins, Liv? You get it, right? You have kids."
"Noah has a surprisingly varied and sophisticated taste in music for his age. He likes oldies, Broadway show tunes—and now, with ballet, he's really gotten into classical." The pride and affection in Olivia's voice were unmistakable.
"Yeah, Jesse likes what I like," Amanda said. "She's country, like her mama."
"You ladies are no help," Carisi muttered.
After some heated debate, they eventually settled on a Playlist titled "Motown", which included a generous collection of hits by Stevie Wonder. Fin turned the volume all the way up, and everyone sang along, loudly and with abandon, Olivia included.
When "I Can't Help Myself" by the Four Tops came on, and everyone belted out in unison, "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch…you know that I looove you," Fin called out dryly, "Wouldn't the Chief just love to see this. A soulful singalong about how much we love each other. We should take a video."
Of course, being the overachiever that she was, Kat proceeded to do just that. She pulled out her phone, and both she and Carisi squeezed next to Amanda and Olivia, eliciting squawks and groans of exasperated surprise from both women as legs and knees were squished together. If Amanda hadn't been sitting close to Liv before, she was fully pressed up against her now as Kat extended one arm out, phone in hand, to take a selfie-style video of some snuggled-up singing.
Amanda decided to just go with the ridiculousness, especially because Olivia had chosen to play along, embracing her little-known silly side—the one Amanda had been privileged to see a few times off-duty, and that they had all enjoyed in their epic Frisbee match that morning. She wrapped one arm around Amanda and the other around Kat and Carisi, swaying them all to the music.
"I can't help myself…I love you and nobody else," they sang uproariously, and Amanda felt a rebellious, secret joy in belting out these lyrics, these words that were actually so damn relevant when it came to the woman melded beside her.
"Alright, alright, I think you all got enough bonding footage," Fin announced, as the current song ended, and Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" began.
"What's the matter, Fin?" Olivia asked, swaying them all for a few seconds more before releasing the arm encompassing both Carisi and Kat. She shooed them both back to their seat with a playful wave of the hand. "I sense you may be feeling a bit left out up there."
"I'm sure I'll get over missing out on Kat's little music video," he drawled. Kat and Carisi were already replaying their singalong recording, both snickering over a shared smartphone screen.
The pair on the next seat up sat equally close; in fact, Amanda hadn't yet moved out from under Olivia's arm, which was slung across her back, imparting a warmth even better than the blanket Liv had draped over her earlier. The part of Amanda's mind that should have been screaming at her to scoot away was not working properly. It was hard to concentrate on anything else, really, except the speeding of her heart. In another moment, the arm fell away, after a gentle squeeze. Amanda felt an unmistakable pang as it left her.
A short second later, her breath caught in her throat, her hand squeezing a throw pillow with tassles beside her, to stay present in the van as the fear inside of her surged. Longing and need in any form could frighten her out of her body, because she knew how easily they could destroy everything. One visit to a casino or one too many beers had taught her that time and time again. Amanda struggled to take even breaths, and by luck, she came back to herself. She inched away from Olivia by degrees until there was at least an arm's reach between them, so she wouldn't be tempted.
They were about 2 hours into their trip, almost halfway to the farm, and Amanda had managed to stay in a stable state of mind. She had even allowed herself to move closer to Olivia again, her body sliding and shifting unconsciously towards the older woman as she conversed and bantered with her and the rest of the squad. Amanda vowed not to dwell on the succession of flashbacks, memories, and fearful moments that were happening in a very short span of time.
So far, this crazy trip had been thoroughly confusing. Their extended weekend had just barely begun, and she had already had more fun than she had in months. Yet, she also felt excessively more on edge than ever before. Everything had been escalating in the weeks prior to this getaway, perhaps towards some kind of dangerous pinnacle. But Amanda couldn't afford to acknowledge that reality, and so any time it tried to make itself known, she trained her eyes out the window and focused on the peaks of the mountains, the rocky crags and ridges, and the rolling hillsides instead of on the precipice in her mind. The brilliant sun outside their windows accentuated the natural scenery along New York State Route 17, which allowed her to practice the invaluable observational technique Dr. Hanover taught her, so that she could detach from the internal by focusing on the external.
The conversation in the van had turned to possible weekend sightseeing, several squad members Googling options on their smartphones. Within 2 minutes, Amanda, Carisi, and Kat had made the gleeful discovery that vineyards and wineries were a renowned tourist attraction where they were staying. In fact, their farm was but a short distance from The Seneca Wine Trail, a 75-mile stretch of wineries and breweries.
"Ya'll know that this could be a whole day trip, right?" Amanda informed them as she researched The Seneca Wine Trail and its attractions on her phone. "Actually, according to good ol' Wikipedia, we could spend the entire weekend going to these wineries, and we wouldn't hit them all. There over 35 vineyards and breweries."
"Now that kinda weekend, that'd be something extra special," Kat declared with a smile.
"Alright, guys? I understand we all may need a drink or two this weekend. In fact, I brought a few bottles of wine; I had a toast of sorts prepared. Just remember that the department most definitely doesn't intend for us to spend the whole weekend under the influence."
"Kat and I, we both brought beer," Carisi announced.
Amanda smirked. "I also have some backup alcohol in case our little winery excursion doesn't pan out. Whiskey and tequila, baby! I may or may not choose to share."
"Guys, come on," Olivia muttered, massaging her temples. "Did you really think this would be a weekend of binge drinking?"
"I thought that booze would most definitely be needed for this trip, which is why I brought Scotch and Bourbon," Fin said in a neutral tone, gazing placidly out the window as he drove, even as their Captain heaved a sigh of disapproval.
"Oh, don't worry, Liv, it's not like we brought a whole liquor store with us or anything," Amanda teased, giving the woman beside her a playful nudge. "And just so you know, one of the vineyards has a selection of over 30 reds to sample," she added with dramatic emphasis, knowing of Olivia's taste for red wines, which she enjoyed by the glass most evenings with and after dinner.
"Alright, alright, maybe we can plan to visit one or two wineries," Olivia conceded, rolling her eyes as Kat let out a gasp of excitement from the seat behind them. "But we are not doing a 24-hour wine tasting. That was most certainly not on the Chief's agenda and would likely not end well."
Noticing that her phone battery was low, Amanda began rummaging beneath the seat in search of a portable charger, muttering at her own disorganization as she searched several bags and compartments to no avail.
"Don't forget to check this one," Carisi teased, reaching for Jesse's Paw Patrol backpack, which had somehow gotten mixed up with his and Kat's luggage.
"See if there's a charger in there, will ya, Carisi?," Amanda mumbled distractedly. She heard him fiddle with the zipper, then chortle with laughter.
"There's no charger, but there's a Barbie doll and a box of Fruit Loops in here."
"And you gave me hell for overpacking?" Kat asked Amanda incredulously.
"It was at Jesse's insistence," Amanda mumbled while unzipping pockets of her backpack. As a part of "helping Mama pack," Jesse had supplied what she deemed to be several essentials, including her favorite breakfast cereal, the TV remote, a naked Barbie doll, one of Frannie's tennis balls, and an entire box of tissues, because, as Jesse put it, "You're gonna miss me, Mama, and cry and cry, all day and all night." Amanda had tried not to laugh at the girl's sweet but confident sass, kissing her daughter on the head and saying, "Thank you, baby, for picking all the things that Mama needs."
"Well, well, here's the Jameson you weren't going to share," Carisi declared, pulling the bottle of whiskey out of Jesse's little red backpack and lifting it in the air.
Amanda lifted her head, the air knocked out of her chest. She hadn't remembered packing the whiskey there. She just had a vague recollection of throwing shit together in a haphazard frenzy that morning, dashing around the apartment to gather both her things as well as what the kids would need for the long weekend.
Amanda saw Olivia turn her head to witness Carrisi's find. "Great, now we have liquor stashed in a four-year-old's backpack," Liv commented dryly. "Let's get it together, shall we?"
Amanda somehow forced a laugh as Carisi snickered and shoved the bottle of Jameson back into the Paw Patrol backpack with a shake of his head. She had gone cold all over, her blood like ice. All of the shared laughter, jokes, and excitement over drinking with colleagues had become suddenly sinister, the accidental location of the liquor bottle an unmistakable show of what a shitty mother she was. A symbolic reminder of the Rollins legacy of bad choices, at how she would eventually, ultimately fail at keeping a safe and sober home for her girls. And all of this had been on blatant, laughable display for everyone on the squad. On display for Olivia. Her heartbeat pulsed in her ears, the thumping sound taking on its own mantra. "Fuck up…fuck up…fuck up…fuck up…fuck up."
"You aren't a good girl. You're a bad, silly, stupid girl. You think you can say no? I never take no for an answer." Patton growling in her ear as he thrust on top of her, pinning her arms behind her head with fingers that bruised. Her ears rang, her head throbbed.
"I would transfer you in a heartbeat…"
"Always asking for forgiveness rather than permission…."
"I thought that things would change after you had Jesse…I thought you would think before you acted…"
"You left your gun in the car; don't do that!" Frank Bucci's incredulous rant as he aimed a gun at her face, because she deserved it. How could she be so stupid and unguarded, in Dr. Hanover's office? How she could fuck up like she did, with two little girls at home?
She was destined to ruin and hurt her kids. She was the wrong person for her children. For her squad. For Olivia. For anyone.
"Rollins, you with us?" Kat gave her a friendly shoulder tap.
Amanda jolted, gasping, the jumbled replay of her fuck-ups interrupted. "Damn it, Kat!" she snarled. She was back, in the van, but she was feral. Without thinking, she scooted as far away from her colleagues as possible until she was pressed against the window, pillows and cushions scattering to the floor in her haste.
"Hey, I'm really sorry," Kat stammered in shock. "I didn't mean to startle you so badly, Amanda."
Amanda could feel her face heating in regret as she heard the jagged intake of her breath. "You surprised the hell out of me, is all," she gasped, glancing briefly at her staring, stunned colleagues before averting her eyes.
"You okay, Amanda?" Olivia asked. Her voice was sharp with alarm.
"Yeah….M'fine," she mumbled, hoping that her Captain didn't notice the hitch in her breath. "I think it's just been too much driving, is all. I just need to get out of this damn van for a few minutes."
"You said it," Fin agreed, glancing up to study Amanda in the rearview mirror every few seconds, he too apparently hyper-focused on Amanda's current mood. "I've been behind this wheel for over 2 hours now."
"Alright, maybe it's time to stop and stretch our legs," Olivia said. "I'm sure we're all feeling a little cooped up." Although Amanda's eyes were now glued to the window, watching the yellow lines on the road tick by, she could practically feel Olivia's watchful gaze from across the van.
"Yeah, Rollins is so done, she won't even look at us," Carisi commented, the joke halting and uneasy. "You sure you're okay there, Amanda?"
"Yeah, Carisi…like Liv said, I just need to move around," Amanda said. Each word sounded deliberate, effortful, and she wondered if the others could hear it. She leaned her forehead against the pane of glass, vaguely aware of how antisocial and ridiculous she looked with her back to her squadmates and her face pressed to the window. Trouble was, she felt unfit to engage, her chest constricting by degrees until it was painfully tight. Her comfortable closeness with colleagues had morphed into the unbearable feeling of being trapped.
Cold metal cuffs against her wrists, arms aching fiercely, then going numb…Bucci could take her anywhere. They could drive forever.
Amanda didn't notice that they had exited the highway; the next thing she knew, the vehicle was in park. They weren't driving indefinitely; at least now they were stopping. Her heart was a relentless hammer in her chest. She blinked to bring her vision into focus, trying to register where they had ended up as she looked out the window. It seemed to take ages for her to compute why there was bright, golden sunshine outside , instead of the dark, foggy night it had been when Bucci had imprisoned her in the passenger seat.
They had stopped at a quaint village square, two wrought-iron gas lamps forming an archway announcing their location: Hancock, New York, Gateway to the Upper Delaware. Grey brick pathways traversed a lawn lined with flowering shrubs, an open, round gazebo in the center of the green space. On either side of this town centerpiece were row houses, shops, and historic homes. She fought to take in a big breath, the quiet peace of the little village outside at odds with her confused panic.
She heard the rustle of movement as her colleagues got up, felt a rush of cool air as the van door whooshed open to the side. One part of her mind remembered that she was with her squad, while the other part still struggled to place the time and date. As much as she wanted out of the enclosed space, she was also finding it difficult to move.
"Amanda, you coming?" Carisi asked in concern. Amanda turned her head and realized she was the only one still seated in the van, her colleagues having congregated outside on the visitor parking lot, everyone peering inside at her in confusion.
"I'll be along in a minute," she said under her breath, face hot with embarrassment. "Think I'm a bit carsick; I'm gonna let my stomach settle before I try to move around." She heard her squad mates mumbling to each other, voices low, and wondered if they were talking about her.
"You're not about to hurl in there, are you?" Fin called to her in an ominous tone.
Amanda shook her head wordlessly, hearing Kat exclaim "Fin!" in a soft reproach.
"Alright, guys," Olivia commented, taking charge. "Take space, go buy a drink or something to eat, use the bathroom…whatever you need to do so that we can last the rest of this drive together."
Amanda heard voices retreating, and blew out a long, shuddering breath, leaving a sheen of sweat on the glass as she turned away from the window.
Her harsh, short breaths turned to a sharp gasp as Olivia swung open the opposite door to the van. It had only felt like seconds since she had been left alone, but it must have been several minutes, because Liv climbed inside with a bottle of water and pack of crackers that she must have purchased at a shop.
"Hey, I brought you something to settle your stomach," she said, pulling the door shut behind her. Her brow furrowed deeply as she took Amanda in. "Are you okay? What's the matter?"
"Liv, don't worry about it. You take a break with everyone and go sightsee." Amanda hated how rough her voice sounded. Her throat had been smarting and tight for some time now.
Olivia sat down beside her and untwisted the cap of the water bottle, as if unsure if could Amanda manage, before pressing the cold container into the other woman's hand. "Here, take a sip," she encouraged.
She took a long swig as Olivia eyed her intently, clearly unwilling to accept Amanda's dismissal of the situation. "Something's going on," she stated, getting right to the point. "And I think it's more than carsickness."
Amanda heaved a sigh. "God, you guys don't quit, do you? I got a little claustrophobic is all. It's just a lot, all this togetherness on the road, and I worked myself up." Her voice was quivering. "I'm sorry," she said in a choked whisper, her exasperation at Olivia giving way to disgust over her own behavior.
"Hey, Amanda? Why don't you tell me what's wrong," Olivia said, her voice lowering to that soft, husky tone that was every victim's undoing, invariably disarming anyone who was struggling to talk. "You were chatty and making your usual comments-" Olivia ducked her head down so she could meet her detective's averted gaze, giving a small smile to emphasize that the jab was in good humor—"and then all of the sudden you went silent. Your whole mood and demeanor changed."
Amanda took several more swallows of water. God, her throat hurt. "Well… I…I'm havin' some anxiety," she hedged. She could feel her body begin to quake, and quickly sealed the water and placed it to the side on the seat, before she could spill it all over the place.
"Yes, honey, I can see that," Olivia murmured, her voice soft, melodic. She put a steady hand on Amanda's quivering shoulder. "Sweetie, what's happening?"
It was the first time that Olivia had overtly spoken to her with the same level of tenderness she reserved for people she sought to protect, knowing Amanda's distaste for being coddled or pitied. But, years of loneliness had shifted something inside of Amanda, and now the gentle names were her undoing.
She didn't dare speak of all the flashbacks—she was still so disoriented by how time had scrambled that she couldn't have articulated what happened even if she had tried. But, Amanda was desperately compelled to say something. "I realized somethin' while we were all talking, and it's getting to me," she acknowledged.
"What did you realize?"
"Those kids should have better than me," she gasped out. "I know how I came across, throwin' whiskey in Jesse's backpack. I've been thinking a lot lately about what kind of mother I am, and I worry for those girls, Olivia. I really do, okay? I want you to understand that…I know…that they deserve better." Her words were labored from shortened breaths and suppressed tears.
"Hey, hey… Amanda," Olivia soothed, the hand gently stroking up and down Amanda's arm as she scooted closer. "I was kidding with you earlier, about the alcohol in the backpack. I know you didn't mean anything by it."
"It was so thoughtless of me to do that," Amanda continued in a breathless rush, as if she hadn't heard Olivia. "I should have been paying attention to things when I threw crap together for this weekend. I just don't want you to think that I drink in front of them, ever. That I don't do everything in my power to keep that house safe, to keep them away from anything toxic." She gripped her head with both hands, as if physically trying to hold herself together.
"I feel like that Jameson just proves to everyone I'm a shit mother. But I swear to God, Olivia…that I only want…the best for my girls. I want you to know that." By the time Amanda finished, it was hard to catch her breath.
"Oh, 'Manda, I do know. Of course I know that. You were rushing to throw everything together for this weekend, and you wanted to make your little girl happy by bringing along the bag that she had packed for you. I think we were all just poking fun at the contrast between little Jesse's priorities of what to pack, and the adult beverages that we all considered essential items… since each of us decided to pack alcohol for this trip, apparently," she scoffed. "I'm really sorry this has made you so upset, though. Just take a breath, okay? I know how much you love your girls, what kind of mom you are."
"I want them to have better than me." To Amanda's incredulity, tears dripped off her chin. Several had already slipped down her cheeks without her notice, in spite of every effort to keep them back.
"Oh, sweetie. Come here," Olivia murmured. She wrapped an arm around Amanda's shoulder, tugging her gently in invitation. Amanda didn't have the strength to resist leaning into the other woman. Her head came to rest against Olivia's chest, the arms around her tightening and pulling her close. She winced as her tears soaked into the soft, cool silk of Olivia's blouse, but Olivia didn't seem to have the same qualms about Amanda crying on her. Instead, she cradled her head, giving comfort in that eager, earnest way that was distinctively "Liv"-hugging long and tight, and sharing in the pain.
"It's okay," Olivia whispered, shushing her when Amanda gasped out, "I'm sorry, Liv." She threaded her fingers through Amanda's hair, stroking through the blonde strands gently while murmuring to her in a half-whisper. "You're okay. You're okay, honey. It's okay. I've got you."
Amanda let out a labored breath, her eyes misted over with more tears. She twitched against Olivia, vaguely remembering that she should be pulling back, trying to muster the willpower to sit up. Olivia's arms slackened in response, an unspoken message that it was her choice whether to move. When Amanda hesitated, Liv resumed with stroking her hair, holding her in place.
"I- I should get myself together," Amanda said uncertainly, when she found her voice.
"Why don't you just relax, Amanda, hmm? Everyone went for a walk to stretch their legs and go exploring around town. You can stay right where you are if you want. I've got you," Olivia reassured her again. Her hand sifted and glided through fine blonde hair in a repetitive, soothing rhythm. Amanda could hear the steady thump, thump of Liv's heart beneath her ear. She was afraid of her reluctance to pull away, at how she wished that no one would ever come back to the van, so she could just rest here indefinitely and listen to Olivia's heartbeat.
"I've been really worried about you," Olivia eventually whispered.
Amanda stiffened against her. "Why? Because you see I'm such a mess? Because you know I'm not cut out for those kids?" she shot back. She tensed, preparing to yank herself free from Olivia, whose arms tightened around Amanda in an alarmed attempt to soothe. "Don't… lie to me…" Amanda gasped, her breathing ragged, voice catching on a garbled sob.
"Hey, hey, shhhh. No, no, not at all, sweetheart, it's not that at all," Olivia replied, her voice thick. "There is no one better for Jesse and Billie. You're their mother, Amanda."
"You think I don't tell myself the same things? That I could do better by Noah?" Liv continued haltingly after a moment or two. "Motherhood is impossibly hard, and we are both doing this on our own. It's such an enormous responsibility, and I understand how terrifying it is, how easy it is to have doubts." She pulled Amanda closer in a gentle squeeze of acknowledgment. "I'm not worried about Jesse and Billie, sweetheart. I'm worried about you."
"Liv, you and I aren't anywhere in the same league as mothers, but okay," Amanda mumbled, expertly sidestepping Liv's reassurances and declaration of concern. With effort, she forced herself to pull out of the comforting hold, her chest and throat still taut with held-back emotion. But she couldn't keep unravelling, not when the rest of the squad would only be back in a matter of time.
"What are you talking about? What do you mean?" Olivia stroked hair away from her face, as if sensing Amanda's overwhelming desire for contact even after she had pulled away.
"I mean I don't even begin to compare with you, as a parent or otherwise."
"While I appreciate the sentiment, Amanda, it's completely untrue," Olivia said. "I'm worried about the negative headspace that you're in right now. How long have you been having these types of thoughts about yourself?"
Amanda felt her chest seize at the question, because the simple answer was "forever." She chose to sidestep that landmine.
"Liv, please…can we just chalk it up to stress, and not overthink it? I mean, it's been quite a few months. We've had intense, difficult, nonstop cases, and we've all been burned out, honestly. I think that is one of the reasons the Chief probably arranged for this weekend… however misguided."
Olivia smiled, though her forehead was still puckered with concern. "I have definitely noticed everyone's been stressed, and I'm certainly not immune to burnout either. This weekend sure is an interesting choice for relaxation, but the one good thing is that we do get a break and a chance to recharge for work and motherhood. Which, as we both know, is a 24-7 thing."
"Ain't that the truth," Amanda mumbled. "I'm sorry, Liv, for overreacting. I'm being a little ridiculous here."
"These circumstances are a little ridiculous," Olivia conceded with a chuckle. "But Amanda, that doesn't change my concern for you. I get that you want to keep certain things private. But I know how you are, and I know that you'd prefer to just push away whatever's going on, or pretend it's not happening, at your own expense."
"I've been trying with Dr. Hanover, Liv, I really have, okay?" Amanda snapped. "You know I've always had my doubts about therapy, but I've been tryin', at least. Even after someone barged into a session and waved a gun in my face."
The silence reverberated in the van. Amanda heard a bird let out a low, mournful caw through one of the cracked windows. Olivia eventually let out a shaky exhale. "Honey, I'm so sorry that happened to you. We haven't talked much, you and I, about the specifics of the night you were abducted."
"Because there's no need; he didn't hurt me," Amanda said, even as she felt her throat closing.
"Amanda, your life was threatened. Your safe space was violated."
"I don't wanna get into this," Amanda said roughly, waving a trembling hand in dismissal, but Olivia caught it tightly between both of hers, cupping it in a warm, firm grasp. She could feel her heart beginning to pound at the topic of Bucci and her abduction.
"You just said I was pushing things away, and I was just telling you I'm trying to talk with Dr. Hanover the best I can, okay? So please don't judge me." Amanda hated the pleading note in her voice.
"Amanda, I'm sorry. I wasn't trying to judge you," Olivia soothed. Amanda could feel a thumb lightly skimming the palm of her hand, which was still caught safe and tight in Olivia's grasp. "I wasn't trying to imply anything about therapy, quite honestly. I'm talking about you letting in the people who care about you, and would like to help you."
"Really, and who might those people be?" Amanda shot back in defiance.
"Well, there's me, for starters," Olivia said, her expression contorting in confusion and possibly hurt at the comment, as she pressed the hand she was actively holding in both of hers. "Not to mention everyone on the squad."
Amanda cringed internally; after all, Olivia had paid for a full weekend of Amanda's child care, and had just held Amanda through her "mini-meltdown", or whatever the hell had just happened. It had been everything she never got after Esther and more. It was almost impossible to keep looking at Olivia as she formulated what to say.
"Liv, I really do appreciate everything you do for me," she mumbled with effort, her lips quivering with emotion. "Helping out with my kids, spending time with me, offering to listen." She swallowed, hard. "You know, no one else compares to the kind of person you are. You mean so much to me and to everybody. But I shouldn't necessarily mean somethin' to you, or be someone that you should make any more of an extra effort for, ya know?" She let a humorless chuckle, swiping her hand roughly under either eye to remove any remaining tears.
"No, I don't know," Olivia argued. She released Amanda's hand to brush back her hair. "Look at me, Amanda," Liv coaxed, gently tilting her head up so that Amanda could meet dark, shining eyes. "I care about you, very much, and you're worth every effort."
Amanda had no words, then. She couldn't remember the last time someone had told her that they cared about her, and it rendered her speechless. She turned her head away, blinking furiously to keep her eyes dry, as Olivia resumed with the hair stroking.
"You know what I'm hoping?" Liv said in a hushed tone. "I'm hoping that this weekend, we get to spend some time together. Of course we'll spend plenty of time with Fin, Kat, and Carisi, too. But you and I, we need more of this, I think. For once, you started to open up with me, when you were anxious and upset about the kids just now, and I'm so glad you did, because I get the sense that it was very important for you to do that. I'd like for us to talk this weekend, and after that too, if you'd like. I think you need to get some things out, and I'm more than willing to listen."
"Spending time, just us...that part sounds pretty great. But not everything has to be talked to death, Liv," Amanda argued, fumbling over her words with nervous exasperation. "Sure, maybe I'm going through some things, but I'll work through it, like I always do. Really, you don't need to get involved."
Olivia sighed, her hand stilling in Amanda's hair. "Would it be so terrible for someone to be involved?"
"Yes," Amanda said, with a sharp intake of breath. "Maybe not for me, but for you."
"Sweetheart," Olivia said in a pained whisper. Her hand resumed its soft, tender movements, stroking Amanda's forehead, gliding through her hair, as if sensing that for the moment, touch could convey more than words. Finally, she spoke. "Let me be the judge of that, okay? I'm already involved, and I'm happy to be."
End Note: Full credit for Carisi's Christmas obsession goes to Sheepish's story Only the Lonely, one of my favorite-ever team bonding fics! :)