A/N: Would be nice if they could just be happy, right?

"Come on, I'm taking you to the hospital. I'm parked close by." Amanda grabbed Olivia by the elbow and started to move out of the restroom.

"I can- ow, fuck!" Olivia winced again and held a hand against her stomach. "Just take a cab."

"God, you're insufferable. Let's go."

On their way to the hospital and in between creating all kinds of worst-case scenarios, Amanda wondered if the two of them would ever get over their stubborn ways. If they could ever truly allow themselves to need someone, mainly each other. And accept that they didn't always have to suffer in silence, and that asking for help was not a sign of weakness.

Twenty minutes later, a concerned but stoic looking Amanda and a very pale looking Olivia walked into the emergency room. The blonde jogged towards the reception area.

"We need to see a doctor immediately."

"So does everyone in the waiting room, sweetheart. Fill this out and a doctor will be with you shortly." The receptionist handed her a form and a pen without raising her eyes to look at them.

Amanda almost never pulled rank, and she really didn't like being rude, but Olivia was gripping her arm tightly and looking dangerously close to passing out, and underneath her calm exterior, the blonde was terrified.

"Listen, I'm an NYPD detective and this is my captain. She's pregnant, she's bleeding and she's in a lot of fucking pain. So are you gonna force me to make your day miserable or are you gonna help us?"

Ten minutes later, Amanda was standing next to Olivia who was lying on the exam table, looking uncomfortable but slightly less affected by the pain.

"You really did a number on that poor receptionist."

"Eh, she'll get over it. She's not the one I'm worried about right now." Amanda shrugged.

She had a sudden need to reach out and touch Olivia's stomach, but she didn't know if that would be considered overstepping, so she fought the instinct and kept her arms tightly folded.

"Olivia Benson?"

"That's me."

"I'm Dr. Flores, I understand that you experienced some pain and spotting tonight?"

"Yeah, it... happened so fast."

"Do you know how far along you are?"

"Around eight weeks. I… I didn't know. And… I've had a few glasses of wine, before I took the test. What if this is all my fault?"

Amanda could see guilt written all over her face and she knew that right now, Olivia felt like she had somehow done something wrong as a mother and already failed her baby. She desperately wanted to grab her hand and tell her everything was going to be ok.

"Ok. Well, let's take a look. A lot of women experience cramps and bleedings during their first trimester. So before we do the ultrasound and know for sure, I don't want you to worry too much."

The detective watched Olivia nod slowly and knew that telling the captain not to worry was as useless and pointless as telling Jesse not to feed Frannie under the table.

When the doctor left them alone for a short moment to get everything ready for the ultrasound, Amanda suddenly worried that maybe the brunette wanted to be alone for this. Maybe she was intruding by standing so close to her, biting her nails like she was the one waiting to find out if her baby was ok.

"I can step outside, give you some privacy."

But Olivia grabbed her hand then. "Don't."

That nervous look on her face was back. "If something's... wrong, I want you here."

Maybe she's not so stubborn after all.

"Ok, I'm here, Liv. I'm not leaving."

Olivia kept her eyes trained on their tangled hands while Dr. Flores applied the gel to her belly and started to move the scanner around. There was something weirdly soothing about the way Amanda's thumb was moving back and forth over her knuckles.

"There it is." The doctor said while pointing to the screen one minute later.

The brunette turned and stared in the direction to where Dr. Flores was pointing.

"Where?" Olivia asked with squinted eyes. Without her glasses she struggled to focus on the screen in front of her.

"There."

She leaned in a little closer.

"That's it? That's the baby?"

"Mhm."

"That's... my baby?"

"It sure is. Everything is looking perfectly fine, Olivia."

"It's too early to tell if it's a boy or a girl, but this is definitely a healthy looking fetus. Like I said, cramps and bleeding are not uncommon, but they can be pretty scary."

Olivia kept staring at the screen, awestruck and amazed by the fact that this tiny life was growing inside of her.

She had spent so many years regretting never getting pregnant, even though her life had never really allowed for it. But then Noah had more or less fallen into her lap and she found that as long as she got to be a mother, it made no difference where that baby came from.

Still, looking at that screen, realizing that this was actually happening, she felt a sense of happiness that she had never felt before.

"I'll give you and your wife a minute."

The brunette was so distracted by what she was looking at that her only response was a slow nod and a "mhm".

Her eyes got pulled away when the door closed and she heard Amanda laughing next to her.

"What?"

"Apparently we're married now."

"Huh?"

"Never mind. How does it feel? Pretty amazing ain't it?" Amanda nodded towards the monitor.

"Yeah." Olivia whispered as she looked from the screen and back to the detective. "Thank you, for taking me here and staying with me. You didn't have to do that."

"Of course." The blonde smiled softly as she moved her hand to the captain's cheek to wipe away the tear that had escaped without Olivia noticing it. Her worries about overstepping was completely forgotten as she felt herself leaning in slightly, captivated by the look in those brown glossy eyes.

Without knowing why, the brunette sat up a little and now their faces were just a few inches apart. Her heart pounded in her chest, feeling so physically and emotionally drawn towards this woman that seemed determined to protect her, worry about her, love her?

God, she's beautiful.

She watched as Amanda's eyes landed on her lips and it would've been so easy to just lean in, close the distance and-

A knock at the door made both of them flinch and just like that and like so many times before, the moment had passed.

Olivia's heart was still pounding and she was relieved that they had already checked her blood pressure because surely it was through the roof right now.

"Ok, so just take it easy for a couple of days, and make an appointment with your GP and they'll help you out with prenatal care and follow ups. Being over 35, you're considered high risk no matter how healthy you are so It's important that you tell them about your visit to the ER tonight."

When they walked out of the hospital a while later, Olivia was carrying the sonogram the doctor had given her. She kept staring at it, making Amanda practically guide her towards the parking lot to keep her from stumbling and bumping into things and people.

"How does it feel?" Amanda asked a little hesitantly when they got in the car.

"Weird. Scary. Wonderful. Terrifying."

"I can relate."

"I'm keeping it."

"I know." The blonde smiled. She had known the second Olivia had looked at that screen.

"Amanda... I'm having a baby."

"You're having a baby."

When she saw that Olivia was tearing up again, she leaned over and wrapped her arms around her. "I'm so happy for you." She said against her hair. "Congratulations."

And this time she really meant it.

"Wait… What was it you said about us being married?" The captain asked when they were halfway to her apartment.

"The doctor called me your wife." Amanda said after clearing her throat. It had been funny at the time, but now it just felt really awkward.

"But… If we were married, wouldn't it be kinda weird that I didn't know about being pregnant?"

Leave it to Olivia to always catch the little details.

The blonde gave a little shrug behind the wheel. "Maybe she thought you cheated on me?"

"I would never." She had meant to say it in a playful way, but the words left her as some kind of heartfelt promise she knew was the truth.

And in the end it doesn't matter. I could never cheat, because I can never tell you how I really feel.

"And you're sure you're not in any pain right now?" The blonde asked after they had said goodbye to Lucy.

"That's like the seventh time you've asked since we left the hospital."

"Yeah, and I'm gonna keep asking for the next seven months. Get used to it."

Olivia rolled her eyes before she went to check on Noah. Now that the pregnancy was a reality and not just some kind of shock to her system that she hadn't been able to fully process, she knew that she would have to tell him, sooner rather than later. As she kissed him carefully on the forehead, she promised herself that she would talk to him as soon as she was over the twelve-week mark, even though she had no idea how she would actually do it.

"Sleeping?" Amanda asked when Olivia returned to the kitchen where the blonde was leaning against the counter.

"Mhm. Do you want something? Milk?" The brunette said followed by a playful wink.

"Ha-ha. I'll pass on the milk. Nah, I should be getting home."

"Yeah, I didn't realize how late it had gotten."

"We... never really got to talk, though. You wanted to tell me something?" Olivia watched as Amanda started to play with her necklace, a habit she had noticed before and something the detective sometimes did when she was nervous.

"It can wait. It's been a long day, for both of us."

"You sure?"

Olivia's eyes fell to the floor between them and she felt her hands start to fidget just a little.

"It's..."

She wanted to, she really wanted to just say it out loud. Rip her heart out and give it to Amanda and just hope that she wouldn't throw it out the window. But more than anything, she had just spent the last two hours feeling totally and completely dependent on her friend. Her closest friend.

Olivia had never depended on anyone except herself, and now that she had actually allowed herself to do it, the risk was just too high. She risked losing too much if she told Amanda the truth.

Because what if it was all in her head? What if she had just imagined all the times where something had almost happened? And even worse, what if Amanda felt the same way but they couldn't make it work and then everything would be ruined forever?

"You know what? It wasn't important. I think this pregnancy has just... made me lose my bearings a little. My brain feels all foggy."

She tried, but couldn't ignore the expression on Amanda's face. She looked hurt.

"I get that." The blonde said, trying to sound sympathetic but her smile never reached her eyes. She actually looked pretty miserable.

Fix it. Make it better.

"Thank you so much, for coming with me to the hospital. It meant a lot... that you were there."

She wanted to hug her, but it felt impossible to move and she didn't trust herself to settle for just a hug right now. She was too overwhelmed by everything to trust that she wouldn't do anything she would soon regret.

After a few seconds of just looking at each other, Amanda started to move towards the door. But just as she opened it to leave, she turned around. "I'm..." She stopped herself and bit down on her lip. "You're not doing this alone, Liv. I'll be here. If you want me to."

And then she left.

After locking the door behind her, Olivia rested her forehead against it and took in a much needed deep breath.

I want you to, Amanda. More than you know.

A/N: I know, frustrating AF. But feelings are scary.