An: I need to remind again, this story isn't always light-headed; Here is talked about depression, anxiety, panic attacks, suicide and in general mental health. If you don't feel comfortable with this topic, please keep yourself safe, and maybe don't read this story...

Thanks for keeping up with this story!

CHAPTER 5

It was now nearly a month since Donna moved to Seattle, she finally found herself comfortable in her new job. The job description was the same, but the firm wasn't. She liked the changes in the job though, it was less stressful.

At the beginning she struggled with making herself a name, nobody knew about her and people gossiped she only got the job because she was friends with Mike and Rachel.

However, Donna missed the old firm, what was called her home for so long. She missed New York and her friend's.

Mostly, she missed the man who was her life for over a decade, nearly every day her she struggled with herself. She wanted to call him, but over the time it didn't feel like she had the right anymore to do that. And she had decided to move on, cut him out of her life.

But she missed him, especially in the evenings, when she already had finished work. Whenever nobody else was there, distracting her from the void, a void that she couldn't fill. A void that she didn't want to fill, she soon realised that nobody could take the place Harvey had.

So staying in action to not break down was her way to dealing with it, and this evening she really needed distraction.

The sun was going already down, work was done and Mike and Rachel were having their date night. Donna found herself going through the streets of Seattle, to find something.

And then she saw a dive bar, not very big and seemingly old one. The lights were a little brighter then dimmed, two Old men and a young women were playing music.

The people around them, sitting on chairs drinking and eating snacks were listening silently.

Without thinking much, Donna opened the old glass door and stepped into the bar. Imidently she recognised the song that the band was playing, 'Working Man', one of the song's from Harvey's record collection.

For a brief moment Donna wanted to turn around and run, from the reminder of the hot shot lawyer. But the club was just him, she didn't want to close her eyes from it. She seeted herself on the dark wooden counter bench and sighed deeply, it reminded her of the bar she met Harvey for the very first time eye to eye.

"Do you want something to drink?" A black women, that reminded her a little bit of Gretchan, asked kindly.

"Yes please, is there any chance you would have a Macalla 18 for me?" Donna smiled at the women.

"That's a very unconventional drink for a lady." The young women stated.

"What can I say, I am Donna."

With a chuckle, the women poured her a glass of the expensive Whiskey. As Donna tasted the liquid she felt a shiver going over her whole body and the warming, that she missed so much settled itself in her stomach.

It wasn't just because the Alkohol itself had a effect on her, the taste was also a reminder of all the times she had shared a drink with him.

And with the taste of the old times, the tune of the soft music in the background, she found herself genuenly smiling again. It seemed like forever since she felt so peaceful.

Since he was back she didn't went to the bar anymore, even through she didn't just go because of him. She came to be a customer there nearly daily, only when Mike and Rachel invited her to dinner she skipped the new found tradition. Donna came to like the people there, she could talk about music with the band, and the bartender grew to be a very good friend of hers.

But now she found herself yet again there, she needed the outlet. Yesterday, after Haylay told her about the suicide attempt, she was determined to get answers. Now she wasn't sure if she even wanted them, scared of what it all would mean.

Everything suddenly didn't seem that light-headed anymore, the moment Harvey came back into her life she felt this fuzzy fluffy feeling. Everything seemed so easy, she loved to for once have it easy with him.

It wasn't a surprise that he had problems, considering his panic attacks... She knew that and still, she decided to leave, believing it was the right call. Was it though? A amount of guilt fleshed over her, again and again, everytime the subject entered her mind. Which was pretty much every seceond since she found out.

"Is everything alright?" Susanne, the bartender asked.

"Of course, I am just a bit off." Donna shrugged it off.

"Look honey, I have known you for quite a while now and I am not blind, what's going on?" The women asked again, but Donna just looked at her extremly utterly lost.

Susanne decided to push the redhead a little more "Is it a Man?"

"Why would you think that?"

"Because, the only times you looked like that, you were hung up on that New Yorker jurk guy who let such a women-" Susanne pointed at Donna "-go."

Donna flinshed at the mentioning of the 'New Yorker jurk guy', a synonym for Harvey.

"Wait a minute, is he here?" The bartender looked now curiously at her friend.

"He is in Seattle" Donna confessed.

"So what did he do, do I need to kick his ass?"

"What no! He didn't do anything wrong!"

"Then tell me, why do you look like you are on a funeral?"

"Kinda feels like it." She mumbled more to herself.

"What do you mean with that?"

"I found something out, it feels like my worst nightmare came true, and I didn't even know it"

"And that is?"

"There is this one person I just can not lose, ever-" Donna's voice cracked as she said it out loud.

"Harvey." Susanne said it more like a statement then an actual question.

"-and I mean, I haven't seen him for month's. What felt like the worst months in my life, but I knew, thought, he was fine." Now Donna could feel the tears shatter.

Without anymore questions, the women gave her a glass of Macalla 18, the drink she had always drunk when she was there. Then she just laid a comforting hand on Donna's shoulder, knowing that something must afflict her friend terribly. She had no idea what could possibly help her, make it better, she didn't even really understand what Donna was saying.

After Donna finally could get herself together and leave, she felt even more exhausted. The thought of a confrontation with Harvey, that she knew she couldn't escape made her whole body tremble.

She managed to evade any contact with Harvey the whole day. Even though she knew that this could potentially cause a cut in their relationship, hurt him and their new found bond. It all seemed so much at once, he also really didn't seem like talking was something he liked.

As she walked home it already started to rain, which Donna rather welcomed. She came to like rain walkes, not always, but sometimes it made her brain work smoother. Also, it took her back at the time she and her dad went to a park all by themselves, it started to rain and he danced with her. It was a reminder of the carefree times, of her childhood.

When she reached to building where she was now living in, not that expensive as her old one, but it had his charms, she didn't go inside imidently. Wanting to enjoy the cold rain falling over her body, the water running over her skin making her feel something. Something that wasn't guilt, worry and purse sadness.

"Donna!" a voice from behind suddenly made her snap back to reality.

"Where the hell have you been?" The voice asked now.

Which Donna could finally put a face to, Harvey, she turned around to face him. His face was full of furry, his whole body seemed tense. His hair clutched on his face and his clothes were completely soaked.

"I have been at work..." She answered him lamely.

"Bullshit, Rachel told me you left work hours ago!" Harvey spit out nearly screaming.

"What are you even doing here?"

"You didn't answer your phone." Harvey told her a little calmer.

"I am sorry but I had stuff to do." Donna said, even though it wasn't really true. The only thing she did except drinking alcohol today was making herself feel aufwul.

"I am sorry I know you don't have the obligation to answer me, I was just worried and I wanted to talk." He said, stepping forward into her direction to get a better hold on her.

"Talk?"

"Yeah, talk."

"About what?" Donna asked, she did suspect what he was reffering to, but they still had so much to talk about. So much unsaid, she didn't want to suspect anything.

"Have you been drinking?" He suddenly asked bluntly.

"Just a few glasses, not a big deal." She told him tiredly.

Harvey wasn't convinced, but he had no intension to make her feel guilty, because he wasn't one to talk. Not about this.

"So is it okay if we...uh...talk?"

"Yes it is" she answered Harvey with a small smile.

It was kind of suprising for her, that he wanted to talk, he was diffrent since he came back. That was something she noticed, but him actually showing it was diffrent. It made her proud to see he was trying, somehow also scared. Scared of how much he had changed, what he could say now that he said things.

Without saying anything Donna moved from her position, finally getting in motion. She took his hand, suddenly more determined to talk and pulled him with her to the small park, next to the building ahe was living in.

With force she sat herself and him down. They both were sitting in the wet weed in the rain, but they both didn't care. Somehow it seemed like the right place, it was probably a strange place to have a serious conversation. But it didn't matter, because it was so unconventional, not normal, that it felt kind of nice.

"After you, Mike and Rachel left, I kind of wasn't okay. At first, I think I just felt numb, it almost was like it didn't even matter. But then, over night I think I realised I had screwed up.-" Harvey started, his voice was low.

He didn't dare to look into Donna's direction, but he knew he needed to start at the beginning, tell her everything for once. His hand was still in Donna's and she cupped it protectively, not wanting to let go.

"-I don't really want to go into many details, if I am being honest I don't even remember so much." He tried to half joke, attempting to lighten the mood

Harvey was sitting in Mike and Rachel's old apartment, he had out of impulse decided to rent it. Nobody lived there, he wasn't going to let anybody life there, but letting the apartment go felt like giving up. Giving up on the last thing remembering their presence, it would just make it a little realer and he didn't want to feel the pain.

The couch, one of the only things they didn't decide to keep and take with them seemed lost with the man sitting on it.

He felt tired and the thought of going home to his own apartment made him feel even more like a Trainwreck.

So he layed down, as he did he felt something hard under the pillows of the couch. First he tried to ignore it, but after a while it didn't stop bugging him so he took the pillow away.

What he found was a mental box, he recognised it. It was the box Mike took the pot from at the day his granny died, he had now idea how it ended up there. The first intension he had was putting it in the bext trashcan, forgetting about it.

But everything seemed to make him just feel pained, and the idea of the feeling that he remembered pot could give him. Without registering what he was about to do he took the pot out of the can and the paper...

"I can't explain how it happened, but I took drugs, first just because I thought it didn't matter. But then it kind of felt like the only thing that kept me going, it wasn't, it made everything just worse." He confessed.

"Why didn't you call?" Donna asked desperately.

It was a question she tried to find a answer to so badly, how could he feel she wouldn't care. How could he feel like it wouldn't be okay to talk to her?

"I didn't know if you wanted me to and I was emberassed."

Suddenly he felt the tears coming freely, he was glad that the rain was still pouring over him, not exposing him completely.

"Harvey, I am sorry I didn't call you." She said quietly.

"You don't have anything to be sorry for, it wasn't anybody's fault."

"But I should have been there for you!"

"Donna you changed your number, you moved around the whole country and you had your reasons for that."

"But-"

"Look, this is in the past, you can't make yourself feel guilty about it, because you have no reason to. And this is not why am I telling zou this."

"Why are you?"

"Why am I what?" he frowned at her.

"Telling me this."

"Because you are the most important person on my life."

And as he said it he probably was even more suprised then her, it wasn't untrue, it was probably the one of the most accurate things he had said to her ever. They both knew it, but they didn't admit it, especially he didn't. Never in all these years could he say that fact out loud.

Donna thought about telling him too, telling him that he was the one person she always wanted by her side. But this was not the time, it was his time to talk. So she just smiled at him, resuring him, telling him he could go on with his story.

"So...I was trying, but it didn't get better and I don't remember much from that point. And then I woke up, in a hospital."

"Why?" Donna asked, even if she already knew why.

It was the hope that he just got hit by a car, it would be bad, but it felt a little better.

"Donna" Harvey whispered.

"Tell me, please?" She encouraged him.

"I tried to kill myself."

It was more then just a statement, it was so much more then just a story, a anekdote. It was a bitter truth about the last months. About what she missed, what a mess was made and all in all, it meant so much more. So much more that would be ahead for Harvey and them.

His voice sounded so pained, so lost and broken. In a way, she felt bad for pushing him to say it, for wanting him to relieve it with her. It wasn't like she couldn't put the puzzles together. Eitherways she also knew that it was the right thing.

Even though the rain covered it, Donna could see the tears running over his checks, out of his bloodshot eyes.

For a while she just sat there, cupping is now shaking hand with both of hers. She didn't care that her dress was now ruined, or that she probably looked like a mess. All she cared about was Harvey, and with that she felt her own tears coming.

They both swore, that they could hear the others heart beating throughout the rain.

"I love you"

to be continued...

I know this was a cruel end, since you can not tell who said it. But I thought I let your imagination life with it for a little.

I would like to know who you think was the one who said it...

Anyways, in this chapter I tried to center a little bit more on Donna, but I wanted to show both of their feelings. I feel like they have far to many talk's sitting next to each other like that, but I don't care it's my favourite thing to write.

To be honest I am happy with the first half of this, with the second I am a little bit unhappy. I feel like I haven't given it enough justice and power.

As always, please review, it really motivates my lazy ass!