Curiosity killed the cat.
A saying I never really understood as a child and yet, I took it as a personal insult.
What is wrong with being curious? What is wrong with pursuing knowledge? And why did cats even need to be mentioned, anyways? Give them a break, they're too cute to be ridiculed like that.
I don't exactly remember where I got the quote from. Maybe it was from one of Mother's lectures, or Onee-san's teasing, but ever since hearing of it, I took it upon myself to be as curious as I could be, to prove to the world and the people around me, that being knowledgeable, being smart, being curious is a trait that should NEVER be ashamed of having.
I don't know what exactly compelled me to follow Sensei and the first-ranking student to the roof, but my curiosity was peaked from all the rumors I kept hearing all morning, so it's only logical that I follow them and sate my thirst for answers. It might be indecent, immoral, to listen to a private conversation, but my hunger for the truth rang loudly in my head.
It's not that I really care about their drama from earlier this morning, or their rumored sexual affairs that are rampaging through school, I just really want to keep an eye on Hiratsuka-sensei in case that creepy dead-eyed student does something to her without Sensei's consent. The fact that Sensei is one of the few adults to actually care about my well-being and future was another reason why I followed them, or that she helped me make my own club for the sake of fulfilling my selfless desire to help other people in need.
hehehehe. Selfless? No.
Deep down, I know that it was all a lie, that instead of being selfless, it was my own selfish desires that pushed me into making the Service Club. I wanted recognition for my work, praise from my help, and most of all, companionship during my lonely years in high school.
I've lived with no friends for long enough, and the existential dread of waking up and knowing that nobody in my age group was waiting for me to pass the school gates have taken a toll on my psyche. Camaraderie is what I truly desire from that club.
Unfortunately, years of isolation and perfectionism molded me into who I am today. Although beautiful to the eyes of the population of Soubu, my aloof personality combined by me so-called cold stare of indifference towards others made me some sort of a loner. A prized object on a high pedestal that everyone admired, but nobody dared to come close to.
If you combine that with my grades, being the second best student, and family background of the Yukinoshita's, any and all points of true connection towards other people are choked off. Also combine that with a vastly imaginative and logical mind such as I have, and you get a cloud of doubt and wariness that constantly wraps around you every time somebody approaches you for small talk.
Love Confessions at the back of the school turn into internal debates about why a stranger is asking for your number.
Is it because of my family? Money? My looks? My body? My grades?
Offers of friendship turn into a constant battle of uncertainty.
Why now? Why not on the first day? Is it a prank? Most probably a prank. Who would want to be friends with me? Do I even know their name? Do we even like the same things?
It's these questions that always plague my mind when talking to people. In a different perspective, I understand that part of, if not most of the blame of being alone might be my fault for being so closed off. But still, I want to live by my ideals even though it hurts to be ostracized because of them. I am not willing to be fake, to succumb into superficiality just for the sake of having a clique. I'm not like him. I'll never be like Hayato. Especially after what he did back then. After abandoning me to my fate, to my bullies, for the sake of saving face.
Wearing superficial faces for the sake of being accepted, Tch. Disgusting. Abhorrently vomit-inducing. Imagine hiding behind a mask for the sake of having fake friendships, yikes. Cringe.
Hearing two pairs of footsteps slowing down, I hide behind the vending machine and open my bento. Not like I have any friends to it with anyway, might as well learn something about this infuriating man who crushed my dreams of being the first person after my sister to have perfect scores on the entrance exam in the history of Soubu, the man who beat me by one point, the man who made me second.
Hikigaya Hachiman, who exactly are you?