April freezes when Harriet mentions Matthew and Ruby. Although we haven't lived together in a while, I was still a master at reading her face and body language. I immediately could tell she never mentioned anything about Matthew and Ruby being gone permanently to Harriet. My daughter still thinks they're coming back to be one big happy family after their "trip". Oh boy, would the next few minutes be interesting.
I sit with an emotionless expression while April starts sputtering like a fish. "Well honey, Matthew and Ruby went to visit Ruby's auntie, you remember that right? They, uh, they might be staying there a bit longer than we thought. We, I mean you, me and Daddy, we'll be going, just us, to Boston I mean…" April has a nervous habit of rambling and it's clear Harriet is getting confused. Usually this would be my cue to jump in, but it's not me Harriet needs an explanation from. I rib April softly with my elbow as a sign to stop and regroup. She takes a deep breath and restarts.
"Okay Harriet. The truth is, Mommy and Matt are going to get separated. That's a big word for you to understand, I know, but it means we won't all be living together anymore. Matthew and Ruby won't be coming with us to Boston – it'll just be me, you and Daddy. You can still talk on the phone or send funny pictures on Snapchat to Matthew and Ruby, like I know you love to do, whenever you want." Harriet just stares at April and doesn't say a peep. From what I've heard, she adores Matthew and thinks of Ruby as a sister, so this is probably a tough pill to swallow.
April looks her straight in the eye and adds, "You're allowed to feel sad, or angry or even nothing at all about this. But if you have any other questions or you want to talk about it, you can always come to me."
Harriet nods and surprises us by asking if she can put 'Doc McStuffins' back on. April says sure, and hands her the remote. My bet is she's just processing all the information and will have a lot more questions about it later. After a few minutes, she looks pretty captivated by her cartoon and it's clear to me and April that any further conversation with Harriet about the move will have to wait for another day. There was a lot to handle tonight for a preschooler.
April stands up and starts walking over to the kitchen, presumably to finish cleaning up. Not having any interest in watching a kid doctor who works on stuffed animals, I follow her.
When I get to the kitchen, she's leaning forward on the sink with her head in her hands. "Well, that was a disaster," she groans. I'm not sure if she's talking to me or just in general, since I don't think she saw me follow her in here.
I chime in with some encouraging words, letting her know of my presence. "I think you're making it look worse than it actually is. She didn't seem upset; I just don't think she fully understood what was going on."
April lets out a dry laugh and says, "I don't think I fully understand what's going on either. This morning was the first time I actually said out loud that Matthew and I were splitting up. I've been kind of avoiding facing it up until this point, and I don't really have an action plan for where to go from here. I knew I'd have to tell Harriet at some point. I guess I have you to thank for kicking me in the ass and making me do it now."
I can't tell if April is joking or if danger lies ahead for me, so I tread carefully. "I get that. It's pretty hard to have to deal with such a major life change." I internally cringe, remembering she's dealt with the exact same life change before. Which was also my doing, may I add. I quickly continue, "But you're so good at soldiering on, I'm sure you'll figure out a plan that works for you, Matthew and the kids."
April looks up at me and sighs. "Well, it's getting pretty late. How about we put Hattie to bed, and you and I can talk over wine and cheesecake?"
I nod and lead April out of the kitchen by the small of her back. I'm not sure why I felt the need to do that, but I think it comforts her a bit as I see her shoulders fall. When we get to the den, we find Harriet lying on the floor half asleep. April picks her up and carries her to bed, where she passes out almost instantly.
April heads back to the kitchen to get out dessert and asks me to start a fire in the fireplace. Once again, I feel like I'm preparing for my doom. She's putting too much effort into making this evening comfortable when I know the ensuing conversation will be anything but.
In two trips, she brings over the half-full bottle of wine, glasses, two plates, forks, a serving knife and the cheesecake. She sets them down on the table and takes a seat on the couch across from me. Well, it's now or never. I cut a slice of cake, take a deep breath and start talking.
"I bought the plane tickets, booked for a week today. They're flexible, so lemme know if you need more time or anything and I can push the date back. I just thought it would make it easier with planning and packing to have a set date."
"Yeah of course, sounds good," she replies calmly. I think the first crisis has been averted until she keeps talking.
"How much do I owe you for the tickets?" she asks like she doesn't know exactly what I'll respond. I wave her off and shake my head.
"April, you know I don't expect any money. I asked you guys to come and you're basically doing this as a huge favour to me. I really don't want to fight about this so can you please just drop it?" My voice comes off with more of an edge than I intended it to. I hope she doesn't take it the wrong way.
She pauses and sets her mouth in a straight line. "Fine. But there is one bone I have to pick with you. If we're gonna make this work, you have to stop acting like I'm just some lost puppy you roped into following you. I made the decision to say yes, and I'm accountable for my own actions. You're not the only one who could use a change and to get away from Seattle, if I'm being honest. I meant what I said about new horizons – I'm excited to have a fresh start outside of just being collateral damage in you fulfilling your dreams."
That was not what I was expecting to hear. "Okay…" I start before she cuts me off. I can tell the wine is making her a little bold.
"Drop the guilt, Jackson. It's written all over your face. I know what it's like to live with guilt, I did it with Matthew for almost three years. Hell, I've done it with you for longer than that. The guilt for leaving Matthew at the altar, for abandoning you to go to Jordan after Samuel, it wrecked me and helped destroy two relationships. I won't let you feel that way about this, I won't. Sure, I was surprised and kinda peeved that you came to me last night out of nowhere and asked me to move across the country on an impulse. I think you were pretty conceited to barge in here expecting Matthew and I would say yes to that. But I slept on it, and I want this. I want to move to Boston, not just for you, but for myself too. I spend half of my time roaming around this house alone on the days you have Harriet. I go to work at a job I love but that isn't what I feel like I was born to do. Like I said, you're not the only one who's needed a change recently. You can't feel guilty about me making a decision for myself."
April has always been able to read me so well. I have felt guilty since this morning. She said yes with such ease after waking up that I felt like an ass for ambushing her last night and pressuring her into doing what I want. Hearing her say all that takes such a huge load off my shoulders. But one thing she said in particular sticks out, and I can't talk anymore about Boston until I've addressed it.
"You felt guilty over leaving me for Jordan? I've never heard you say that, or apologize at all for it really." My tone is a little bitter, but I can't help it. Bringing up that time is not accompanied by a lot of pleasant feelings.
Her face softens. "Of course I felt guilty. And you're right, I've never come out and apologized. I was so shocked last night to hear that you understood why I left, I didn't think to say my piece as well. Here it is: I am sorry. I'm incredibly sorry. You said now you finally understand that I had to go to survive. The years have given me clarity too – now I understand that what you needed to heal was me, and I wasn't there for you. That wasn't what we promised each other we'd do. I'm not even talking about marriage vows, I mean long before that, after Reed and Charles died. We said we'd be there for each other, 'Mercy West forever,' remember? You're my best friend, and I wasn't there for you when you needed me. For that, I'm truly sorry."
This conversation's trajectory did not go the way I thought it would at all. Hearing April say what I've been waiting to hear for five years has left me speechless.
"You don't know how long I've been waiting to hear that, and how much better it makes me feel. Thank you, April." She smiles at me while reaching out her hand. I grab it and try to freeze the moment for a minute, but April ends it first by asking if I want another piece of cheesecake.
"You already know I do," I smirk.