Jack crept into the foul-smelling gloom. "I have to admit, I was surprised when I got your message."
Here they were again, in their alley. He'd come not knowing what to expect, just knowing he needed to find out how things had settled between them.
Llewellyn barely glanced at him, but that brief moment was like looking into the eyes of a stranger. "Yes, there's some things I felt were left unsaid between us. I've done a lot of thinking since we spoke last."
Jack kept silent and hugged himself against a sudden chill.
Llewellyn stared down at his feet, both hands in his pockets. "My inspector ordered me to stop my involvement in the arrests of my friends. He felt it could reflect badly on the whole station house if I seemed too interested. In fact, he threatened to fire me if I didn't. Apparently, someone told him where I was on that particular night."
Jack winced. "I was only trying to find you. I hadn't meant any harm in going to him."
"Of course. I'm sure you never meant any harm in anything you've done of late." Llewellyn still wouldn't look at him.
"I realize I haven't been around as much as either of us would prefer. Just give me some time to figure out how we can be together secretly. Surely you can see why we need to be careful now more than ever." Jack gripped the other man's arm, needing to convince himself they still had a connection.
Llewellyn shrugged his hand off. "I don't want a tryst, I want a full relationship. Even after this whole scheme we still can't truly be together. I want to be with someone I can trust and depend upon. I used to think that was you, but now I see how wrong I was."
"If I hadn't married Clara..." Jack started, but Llewellyn cut him off.
"It seems unfair to hold this against Mrs. Walker. She is, after all, a mere victim of society as much as us."
"I know I hurt you, and I'm sorry. I still love you, please tell me what to do to make this right," Jack's voice pitched with emotion.
Llewellyn shook his head. "No, I am as much to blame as anyone. I'm ashamed of the actions I took. I thought I could make things work, that I could somehow overcome my moral objections to having an affair with a married man, yet instead I find everything is worse. I learned some time ago what it is to be betrayed by others, now I've learned what it is to betray myself."
The place they had chosen for a lover's rendezvous had somehow become a warped confessional.
"We could still have a life together." Jack protested.
"That's not the life I want to have. I'm beginning to think it's not what you want either," Llewellyn told him.
"At least give me the chance to show you how I feel for you." Jack tried to grab the front of his jacket, leaning in for one last kiss.
Llewellyn dodged him, and said "It's best that we not keep leading each other into temptation."
"Every day is a temptation. A temptation to leave her, to be with you. Whenever it gets hard to cope, I tell myself if I just have more time with you everything will become bearable." Jack pleaded.
Llewellyn stepped back even further. "No, I'm sorry, but no. I love you, and I will keep loving you, but I only came to say goodbye."
Jack nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He breathed hard to keep from sobbing. Whatever pain either of them felt came from the actions he chose. He had created this burden, and he would find it within himself to carry it as long as he deserved.
XXXXXXXXXX
The next morning he woke beside his wife, each of them carefully positioned on either side of the bed to keep from touching. He got up without greeting her. Neither spoke throughout breakfast or as they got ready to leave. Their morning preparations came with one extra step: a shift in their postures and expressions to mimic those of happy couples. They'd practiced this deception so many times now they didn't even need to remind each other. Jack looked at himself in the mirror briefly before going out. He wasn't so sure anymore if he liked the man he saw.
They stepped out into an unsuspecting world. The eyes of their neighbours turned elsewhere, seeking easier targets for their judgement and cruelty. He could spend his life unnoticed even in the open. The rest of his days stretched out ahead of him. He had his reputation, and his business. He would go to work, and then come home to a family of strangers, and it would all continue in a circle empty of love.
He held Clara's hand as they walked. By now he recognized that she was forcing her smile. He wondered whose hand she dreamed of holding. Jack knew the answer in his own case; he still dreamed of holding Llewellyn's. If it were possible, he would drop Clara's hand right now and run after him. How had things fallen apart between them so quickly? It seems no matter what he did, he still managed to drive the man he loved to despair. Perhaps the kindest thing he could do now was to leave the man in peace. At least, he hoped Llewellyn could find peace; he realized now he'd never find it for himself.
It was funny to think that only months ago he'd believed he could shut his desires away and forget ever having them. He was never going to stop feeling that temptation. It was a part of him. In the end, the only one he'd fooled was himself. He'd never learned to accept Clara's company, and he'd never learned to stop craving Llewellyn's.
He wanted a life where he could fall in love without cost or fear, but even more than that he wanted to be safe. He was free of prison, but he wasn't free to live as he pleased. This wasn't the life he wanted, but it was the life he had.