Chapter 5

Loki stared nervously down at Iris' form. She looked so frail, so small lying on the bed.

"We have run every test imaginable. She is in perfect health, physically. Whatever that is going on, is possibly a physical reaction to the mental trauma from everything. For her, it was like reliving the original trauma, making this one that much more difficult for her body and mind to process. Think of it like PTSD, but in an extreme form," said Bruce. Loki nodded, though he had no idea what this PTSD thing stood for, though it seemed that Bucky understood at least.

"So how can we help her? If she is this weak physically, how can she gain her strength back. She has not trained in weeks, and it's not like we have any way of knowing how her powers were affected by HYDRA," he said, Loki nodding in agreement, eyes narrowed at the mere mention of HYDRA.

"She has a name you know," came a weak voice. Loki turned to Iris, sitting her up enough so that he could sit on the edge of the bed beside her. He was so gentle with her, that it made Iris smile slightly. "So, I have a mutant version of PTSD…"

"Like PTSD," said Bruce. "I can't say for sure that's what it is, but it's the only explanation that makes sense. For now, rest. We can come up with a plan to get you back on track. Whatever you decide to do, and how to face it." Iris shook her head.

"Nope. No one is coming up with any sort of plans. I have managed this fine on my own, I will continue to do so on my own. I am not a kid who needs coddled or protected," she was firm, they could hear the determination in her voice. Iris avoided the looks; she knew exactly what they would look like. She did not need pity; she did not need sympathy. She needed to figure this out on her own or die trying.

"We are here to help, darling," Loki murmured. Bucky sighed. He knew what she was going through, the hopeless, helpless feelings. He did not go through the healing process alone, and they all knew she would need all the support she could get.

"No, no help. I am fine. I- I do not need anyone!" Iris shouted. She kept shouting, kept getting more hysterical until eventually they left the room. She screamed until her voice was hoarse. She cried, until there were no more tears left to cry. She felt numb, empty. She had let all the emotions, the fear, the longing for normality to come and pass. She did not want to be alone, but she was always alone. She could not have her happy ending, so why should she try. What did she have to live for, when Loki would not admit to himself or anyone else that he loved her? Why couldn't things be simple? A thought ran through her mind then, of the other Iris. She had a bad feeling she was not gone forever.

The only option left to Iris was to go. She would wait until the next mission, where she could leave without suspicion. She would go and be free. They would not follow her; they would not risk her safety after everything that had happened. Iris would use this knowledge to her advantage. It felt like the only thing she could do now.

So, she used this plan to keep her going. Iris knew where she would go, a safe house that the Avengers had used as a holiday spot a few times. A cabin run entirely off the grid in Montanna. It would take her more than a day to get there, so she had a list of items she would need to get. The only problem was getting them. Everyone had been extremely wary of her doing anything or going anywhere by herself because she was struggling so bad. She had to try though, even if it meant stopping on the way to get supplies, she would work it out somehow. Driving was the easy part. It would give her time to think, maybe even consider getting over her mental block and working through things in her own time. Maybe one day she would return to them. The prospect of leaving everything and beginning somewhere with a fresh start was extremely appealing though.

As she sat staring off into the distance, she did not hear her door open, and was surprised when a hand toucher her shoulder. Iris let out a small yelp.

"Barton, don't do that!" Iris chided. Clint chuckled, before walking round the couch to settle by his recliner, lifting his bow as he did. He began to fiddle with something, still chuckling to himself.

"You seem deep in thought," he smiled, "Want to talk about it?" Iris swallowed, suddenly incredibly nervous. If anyone were going to catch on to her plan, it would be Clint or Nat. They were the most unpredictable out of all the team, good at hiding their emotions, and plans. Iris decided to change the subject.

"How's Laura and the kids?" she asked instead. Clint studied Iris out of the corner of her eye.

"Changing the subject isn't going to help. You are family, little bird. You forget, we practically raised you after the first… How you still sound like a farmer though is beyond me." He looked at Iris fully, seeing the change in her demeanour. She would never forget what the Barton's had done for her. But it was something that they had both agreed stayed out of the tower. If anyone caught wind, the consequences would be disastrous, not just for Laura and the kids. It was a secret, one of many, that they would take to the grave. The first time she had been taken by H.Y.D.R.A. She had been 10, her sister had been the one to discover her connection to lightning. They used to make jokes about how she was related to Thor, God of Thunder. It seemed like a lifetime ago. Even thinking of being related to Thor made her chuckle.

"Have you ever had to do something just for you, knowing that there are people who would completely disagree with your decision, but you do it anyway because you feel you owe yourself enough to see it through?" She regretted the words as soon as she said them, knowing full well that it would tip Clint off to what she was planning. However, he seemed to take her question seriously.

"That's quite a loaded question. But … I suppose … if you are not in any trouble… We all make decisions, whether they are good or bad. Only we know whether they are good or bad for us, but if you are a poor judge of things, you might not see the bigger picture. What you might think is OK for you, might not be OK because you do not see the consequences your actions will have, whereas someone else might. Care to share what this is about?" Iris could hear the curiosity in his voice but was thankful for his honest reply. She knew that what she was going to do was what was right for her, but she could not see the bigger picture. Iris had no idea if what she was planning was the right answer. If leaving was what she needed. But space never hurt anyone and getting away even for a few days to clear her head and go back to the beginning and just reset, would be her Hail Mary. Lord knows, she really needed one right now.

"Just … thinking. Thanks, Pops," Iris snickered. She got up, standing before him. She could feel her eyes start to tear a bit but blinked them back. Not thinking, she hugged him tightly. "I don't care who sees, I need this." Clint hugged her back, tightly.

"Don't do anything stupid, please, kid. I'd never forgive myself, and Laura would kill me," he chuckled, but Iris could hear the emotion in his voice.

"I won't," and with that, Iris headed off towards the elevator.

Later, that evening, Iris was sitting absently pushing her food around her plate, in deep thought. Clint was quietly chatting to Nat, telling her about what happened earlier, as Nat studied her closely. A few people had noticed she was very out of it, not making her normal quips and giggling like a five-year-old. They had thought she was starting to get back to a bit of normalcy, but she was even more distant than before.

"Iris, what do you think?" asked Bucky, elbowing the girl to get her attention. Iris stared at him dumbly for a minute. Steve cleared his throat, and Iris looked at him.

"We were discussing knife throwing techniques, and Bucky here thinks you'd give Clint a run for his money," he said eyeing the two. Iris looked at Clint, a ghost of a smile crossing their faces. The look, that reminder of a secret shared by just them, at how true it was. She could give Clint more than a run for his money. She smiled at the table then, letting out an amused 'hm'.

"I don't think I'm familiar with any," she answered, a hint of something colouring her voice that the Avengers could not pick up on. That is, other than Clint, and apparently Nat.

"You know something," Nat whispered to Clint, low enough that no one would hear them. Iris caught her though and looked up at the ceiling trying to clear the emotion off her face. Sometimes she hated having dinner altogether like this. It made everything more complicated. These little reminders that they were all one big happy family. It pissed her off. She had had such a shit life, and yet here they were, playing happy families.

She thought about them all, her relationships with each of them. Thor, a pain in her backside but he had been a good friend over the years, since that portal had appeared over New York. Loki, the biggest crush of her life, and she would happily bed him if he demanded it of her, right here, right now. Steve, and Bucky for that matter, were strange. At times they had been close. Inseparable. She had clung to them the few times that Loki had done one of his disappearing acts, and as Iris was thinking about the, a blush came to her cheeks. The first time Loki had disappeared on her, and their very drunken escapades. A shiver ran down her spine thinking of it. God's, she wished Loki would hurry up and just get over himself already and just bed her-

"You seem a little flushed, Iris. Are you well?" boomed Thor. Iris choked on the piece of meat she was chewing, her blush deepening even further.

"Well, it doesn't take much to figure out what she's thinking about," chuckled Bucky darkly, winking at Loki, who just scowled. Iris slapped Bucky on the arm, thankful it was his flesh arm, so it would hurt a little.

"You should wash your mouth out with soap," she spat, but Bucky could see the humour in her eyes, so he knew it was said with no malice.

"I thought we agreed no dirty talk at the dinner table," said Tony. Iris looked at him, shaking her head with a smile on her face.

"I'm pretty sure Pepper put that rule in place for you," Iris replied sarcastically, receiving a little laugh from everyone. She stopped herself, though, from continuing to talk. It was too easy to fall back into the pattern of relative normalcy with them all, and this time, everyone noticed she had pulled herself away from them again, almost completely. She finished off her food as quickly as she could and left the table with almost the same haste.

Just as she headed out the door, Iris could not help but look back at them all, and how perfect they looked without her. With a sad smile, and a tear breaking free, she turned and kept walking. She had not noticed though, that Loki, Bucky Nat and Clint had seen that look. It confirmed then that something was going on with her. It would only be a matter of time before they found out what it was.

Iris studied the book again for what felt like the 100th time. She was clever, but this was just beyond her understanding.

"Advanced programming and cybernetics for dummies… where did I put my pen?" she muttered to herself. This was the first part of the plan. Iris needed her own A.I. One that Stark had no access to, or knowledge of. It would not be nearly as fancy as J.A.R.V.I.S. Just something simple to get her started off.

So, Iris studied, and worked hard. She had studied under Stark for a long time, though no matter how much she had been there, there were still parts she never fully quite understood. So, Iris spent every waking minute she could spare, until she had something semi-operational. All in all, it took her almost a full week. That was impressive for someone who had only taken 2 years of computer sciences on top of the years she spent with Tony. The programming was the most difficult, but once she had the interface set up, she navigated the rest, with the help of Google and the other textbooks she had nicked from Stark. It was the first time in a long time where she did not feel the emptiness as much. A distraction, something she had been craving for so long. Her hard work, finally paying off.

"Now let us see how it works. Good morning A.I.M.I." Iris said. The interface she had connected to a mini projector shone in front of her, a virtual assistant appearing.

"Good morning, Iris. My programme is fully operational. I have enhanced some features based off Mr. Stark's current interface. Would you like me to proceed with the installation?" a female voice replied. Iris grinned like a six-year-old on Christmas. If it worked well enough for her to keep tabs in with the team while she was absent, she would be happy.

"Will he know?" asked Iris. The interface, A.I.M.I. smiled warmly at her.

"My programming is designed to stay hidden. I have created an options menu to change this. The current mode is set to ghost. All traces will be kept undetectable."

"Proceed with the installation then and go ahead and make a to-do list for the remainder of the items we still need to grab," Iris giggled, clapping her hands together. She had never been happier to have achieved something this big by herself. There were benefits to her powers after all.

"Installing … please wait … installing … please wait. Installation successful. The list will be coded. Access code … BAMBI." Iris clapped her hands together joyfully, before closing A.I.M.I. down, and decided to go eat something. She was ravenous.

As she made her way to the kitchen, she was surprised by how quiet the place was. Iris knew that there were no missions now, so she had expected to see someone about. To her surprise though, the living areas that the Avengers would share were empty. No one in the kitchen either. She felt uneasy, and uneasy was never good. Iris did not think they would have left her without saying anything, and certainly not alone. She knew fine rightly it would be a pain in the backside trying to convince them all that she did not need a babysitter.

As quietly as she could manage, she crept towards the conference room. Peeking ever so slightly round the corner, she could clearly see that they were all there. Everyone. She huffed out a sigh, pulled out her phone and plugged her earphones in, heading back towards the kitchen. She connected wirelessly to the camera feed in the conference room thanks to A.I.M. I's help and listened intently to the strained conversation going on without her.

"If she wants to sit in her room at least we know she's safe," said Steve. Nat, Loki and Bucky all shook their heads in disagreement.

"Something is up with her. She barely eats, she barely sleeps, she's on the electronic device constantly-" Loki was cut off midsentence by Tony.

"It's called a tablet, Reindeer Games, and F.Y.I. Anxiety will do that to you. She has been through a lot. I know it, you know it, and she knows it. I say just give her time. She'll come round eventually." Iris had to give it to Tony, the guy knew what he was talking about.

"She can't be left on her own…" began Clint. "She needs someone to be there for her, especially when we are away. I say get her back into training. Start off slow, let her set the pace. She'll come back round much quicker."

"We could just lock her up. Saves needing a babysitter and saves us worrying about her doing a runner while we are not here. Problem solved!" Steve said, dripping with sarcasm. Bucky hit him over the head. Iris chuckled at that and decided then it was time she intervened. This was not a conversation they should be having without her there, and she said as much to them.

"I know you all care, probably, but I am fine. I am getting sturdier on my feet. Once this all blows over it'll be like it never happened and I'll be back on missions annoying everyone with the Duck song!" Iris said enthusiastically. She was met with blank stares, some confused, others uncomfortable and guilty. So much guilt.

"How much did you hear?" asked Bucky. Iris chuckled darkly.

"I'll sit in my room if I want." To Steve. "Nothing is 'up' with me. I am teaching myself some things because I got bored. I eat when I am hungry, and I sleep when I am tired." To Loki. "I'm not anxious. I am fine, and I will come around eventually!" To Tony. Then Iris looked at Clint. She had that face, the one that he had given into many a times when she was young. "I'm not ready to go back to training, yet. But when I do feel ready, you will be the first to know. Back to basics, right?" Iris mused. Clint shook his head, running his hand down his face.

"Back to basics is not your answer, Iris. We-" He stopped himself from saying any more, but Iris got the message. He would finish the conversation with her later. If he could find her, she thought to herself.

"Is anyone not curious as to how she heard the majority of our conversation?" asked Loki, looking round at the now puzzled faces. Iris smiled sheepishly, looking at the ground while rubbing the back of her head. Tony narrowed his eyes at her. A few of them recognised the 'I have done something I shouldn't have' look.

"That is an exceptionally good question, Mischief. How did you manage to hear the conversation, Iris?" he asked, pointing a pen at her.

"You wouldn't believe me if I told you," she chuckled. Iris felt like a deer in the headlights. If they caught wind of her making A.I.'s and hacking into security camera's, they would never let her leave her room again.

Just then, an intense wave of nausea hit Iris, and she slumped slightly, gripping the door frame for dear life. She breathed deeply, trying to stand back up straight, but it was not happening for the girl. Loki came over, lifting her up with an arm around her back.

"My point exactly," muttered Clint.