When It Comes To Household Chores, A Family Should Always Divide And Conquer
Sitting around a table in Otose's bar, all staring at the white board of chores which usually hung on the wall in his house, Gintoki, Tsukuyo, Shinpachi and Kagura were deep in thought.
"I don't even get why we're doing this," Gintoki grumbled.
"I keep tellin' ya, I'm here for half the week most the time, I can't just do nothin'," Tsukuyo replied. "I feel...kinda guilty f'not helpin' with anythin'," she said.
"I'll never understand women," he muttered. "I give you a free pass to sit on your a** and you actually wanna work. You're crazy."
"I ain't crazy, I just...wanna help," she shrugged.
"I think it's a great idea," Shinpachi said, smiling at her kindly.
"Me too, uh-huh," Kagura said. "At least there's a woman around now, girls need a decent role model in life, uh-huh," she said.
"What're you babbling about, stupid kid," Gintoki muttered. "Fine, whatever. I'm outvoted. When did my house turn into a democracy? A man's home is his castle, y'know? I'm supposed to be in charge," he grumbled.
"Uh-huh," Tsukuyo scoffed, rolling her eyes.
"How about...cooking?" Shinpachi suggested, picking up the marker pen and looking down at the white board. "You can switch with Kagura-chan for one day and..."
"NO!" Gintoki yelled.
"Eh? What?" Shinpachi asked, stunned.
"She can't cook," he replied. "How many times do I have to say it? I thought we agreed...you stay outta the kitchen," he said to her.
"But...I have t'do somethin'..."
"Why?" Gintoki asked, "It's not like I ever asked you to. You're not a maid."
"Wish my husband said things like that," an older woman called Fumi, muttered. There were two older women sitting at the bar, both of them Otose's friends and all of them were listening, amused at the conversation across the room. Otae was sitting at the bar too with Tama and Catherine.
"I'm not a maid either, but I end up doing most of the cleaning," Shinpachi drawled, staring at Gintoki.
"You have a maid fetish, that's good enough," Gintoki said.
"THAT'S NOT THE SAME THING! AND I DON'T HAVE A MAID FETISH!"
"Father would be ashamed," Otae remarked, making her brother blush even more and he stammered in protest.
"Wait..." Gintoki turned back to Tsukuyo with a suspicious expression. "Do you have a maid fetish? Is that what this is? You wanna be a maid? Did you buy a maid outfit?! I prefer nurses, honestly, but I'm sure you'd be a cute little maid..."
"IDIOT!" she screamed and threw a kunai right at his forehead.
"AHHHHHH!" he cried, falling back from the force. "Urgh...So...you didn't buy a maid outfit?" he asked, pulling the kunai out of his head.
"No, I didn't!"
"Damn," he lamented, wiping away the trickle of blood from his face.
"I don't mind swapping one of my cooking days, as long as you make egg over rice, uh-huh," Kagura said.
"No. Tsukki, stays outta the kitchen. Even if you're all deposing me from my castle, that's still rule number one," Gintoki insisted.
"Prob'ly best," she agreed with a sigh.
"I'll take extra cooking days, I don't care. Hell, I'll do all the cooking as long as you don't," Gintoki said.
"Now I really wish my husband would say that," the other women mumbled. Her name was Himari.
"It sounds more insulting than kind," Otose scoffed at her friend.
"Who cares," Himari replied.
"Sooo...no cooking..." Shinpachi said. "How about...the dusting?" he suggested.
"That's your job," both Kagura and Gintoki said at the same time.
"OIIII!" the young samurai yelled.
"I don't mind, I can do that," Tsukuyo said.
"Why d'you wanna do work so bad? Dusting's boring," Gintoki asked. "If you wanna help so bad, you can pay the rent for me," he suggested.
"I ain't doin' that!"
"I could live with being a kept man," he grinned, "You can pay the rent and bring home the bacon and I'll cook it for you. Ooo, I'll be your house husband. I'll even wear my frilly pink apron and iron your clothes."
"My...w...wh...house...husband?" she blushed. "A...and why do ya even have that thing?"
"I had to buy it. It's got a strawberry on it! Like strawberry milk!" he said as though it was obvious.
"It's stupid."
"It's the best apron ever. Just give it chance, wear it once, you'll like it," he insisted.
"If I ain't gonna be cookin' I won't need an apron," she replied.
"You don't need to cook to wear it...just give it try...just the apron..." he said suggestively.
"No! Not gonna happen," she insisted flushed red. "And will ya stop talkin' 'bout...that...there's people 'ere," she whispered.
"So what," Gintoki waved a dismissive hand. "They don't care...do you?" he called.
"You kids keep talking, we don't mind," Himari chuckled. "It's making me feel young again," she said.
"Young lady, you're very lucky to have a man who can cook and who actually offers to cook. I've tried everything for almost forty years but my husband still can't even use a hotpot," Fumi declared, looking at Tsukuyo.
"Oh, see? I'm amazing! You're lucky to have me," Gintoki said, smugly. "Be grateful, get down on your knees and be thankful," he mocked.
"Shut it!" Tsukuyo flushed.
"So cruel," he mocked and turned to the two older women at the bar. "Y'see what I have to put up with here?" he asked, sarcastically.
"You're welcome to come and live with me. Having a house husband would be a novelty," Fumi smiled at him.
"I've never had one of those either. Why don't we share him?" Himari said to her friend. "Otose, do you rent him out by the day? I'll take Mondays and Tuesdays," she said.
"Then, I'll take Wednesday to Friday," Fumi nodded.
"Why do you get three days?" Himari grumbled.
"OIIII?!" Gintoki yelled, flushed. "What the heck is happening? When did the old hag turn into a pimp?! When did I get a pimp?!" he cried.
"Fine, he's all yours," Otose said to her friends.
"OIIIIII! I'm not a rent-a-guy, y'know!"
"Looks like ya are now," Tsukuyo snorted.
"Shouldn't you be stopping this? Why aren't you getting jealous? You're fine with this? Whhhyyyyy?!"
"Gin-chan, make sure the grannies pay you well," Kagura smiled.
"Well, if you're just doing chores like cleaning, then I'll take Wednesday," Otae said. "I'll leave all the dojo cleaning for you to do, isn't that great?" she grinned, menacingly.
"YOU TOO?!" Gintoki exclaimed. He let out a deep sigh and relaxed back onto his seat. "This feels like a new low somehow," he grumbled.
"Gin-san, after everything we've seen, I don't think you could sink much lower," Shinpachi said, dryly.
"Shut it, Patsuan. Anyway, you're more of a domestic than me. If I'm getting pimped out then I'm dragging you along with me."
"EH?"
"Have fun, Gin-chan, Shinpachi!" Kagura laughed.
"And old ladies love kids, so you're coming too," the silver haired samurai added.
"Why?"
"What'd you mean why? I just told you why. Just sit there and don't break anything and look cute, they'll love you."
"Haaiiiiii!" she nodded, happily.
"What a pain," Gintoki grimaced, running a hand through his messy hair.
Tsukuyo turned her attention back to the white board and pondered it for a moment.
"I'll do the dishes...I can do that at least. And I'll help with the cleanin' when I'm 'ere. Or the groceries maybe," she said and Shinpachi added her name to the board and wrote 'cleaning' next to it as well as 'dishes' and / or 'groceries.'
"The dusting and the hoovering are Shinpachi's jobs, he loves them," Gintoki said.
"I don't love it, but no one else does it," he grumbled.
"Well, now you've got a helper. Good for you. Don't say I never give you anything," Gintoki replied, dryly. "That counts as your birthday present," he added.
"WHY?!"
"And you asked for chores, so that can be your birthday present too," Gintoki told Tsukuyo.
"That ain't a birthday present," she replied, unamused.
"Well, you haven't asked for anything other than wanting to do chores," he shrugged. "So...happy birthday, honey," he grinned.
"It ain't my birthday."
"It still counts as your present, it's an early birthday present."
"Doesn't work like that."
"It can and it does."
"Says who? What kind o' rule is that?"
"It's written in the rule book of how to give presents. Early birthday presents are allowed. It counts!"
"Idiot, ya an idiot!"
"Well, you're crazy! Totally crazy," Gintoki retorted and sighed, then he leaned back in his seat. "Whatever. You've got what you wanted. You can do chores. I still don't get it. Why'd you wanna do chores? Just tell me already."
"I told ya..."
"And it makes no sense. You've been fine with staying over and not doing anything before."
"When ya over at my place ya help Hinowa with stuff," Tsukuyo said.
"She asked me to fix the door and change the light bulbs and she couldn't reach them, it's not like I could say no, is it?"
"Ya know she was staring at ya a** the whole time," Tsukuyo mumbled, blushing.
"Eh? Really?" he asked, cluelessly.
"She told me..."
"Che...she's such a sneaky woman," Gintoki scoffed. "Were you staring too?" he asked and she turned away. "You were! You were in on it, weren't you? You damn sneaky...both of you...staring at me like I'm a piece of meat. Wait...is that why she offered to wash my yukata? She was just try'na take my clothes off?"
"Err..."
"I feel so violated," he said, sounding insulted. "And she had me change the door like ten times and...oh, she totally did that on purpose, didn't she? Man...I'm an idiot..." he grumbled.
"What else is new?" she muttered.
"Guess that's what I get for trying to help her, huh? Should've known better."
"Can we please stop talking about this?" Shinpachi asked, uneasily.
"I'm never helping her again, ever," Gintoki insisted, shaking his head. "Well...you got what you wanted," he said after a moment, looking at Tsukuyo. "You happy now, your highness?" he asked sarcastically.
"Mmmm," she nodded.
Just as she nodded, a group of about ten drunken, rowdy men stumbled into the bar, demanding more alcohol and one of them brandished a knife, pointing it Otose as he barked orders at her.
"Oi, old woman," he drawled, "Gimme y'best sake...for free...an' I won't kill ya..."
Otose didn't look concerned at all, in fact she didn't even flinch. "I don't give out free alcohol to people who threaten me," she told him, "If you want some, go and sit down and order some like a normal person."
"Otose..." her friend Fumi whispered, sounding worried.
"Damn, granny, who'd you think you are? D'you know who I am?"
"A drunk," she replied, puffing our some smoke from her cigarette.
"I'm Daisuke the undefeated!"
Gintoki snorted from across the bar, "What are you? A c***** JUMP hero? What are you supposed to call yourself if you actually get defeated? Daisuke the almost undefeated, but oh well let's just ignore it?" he mocked.
"What did ya say?" Daisuke demanded, shocked and he stumbled his way over to where Gintoki was sitting.
"What? You deaf? Is that your superpower? That's pretty stupid," the silver haired samurai said.
"I ain't deaf!"
"Oh, good. Then what is your superpower?"
"Beating up no good punks when they make fun of me!" he answered when he was standing over Gintoki.
"Oh, that's a good one. Not as good as...oh, I don't know, super strength, or super speed, or a mach mode though. Maybe you should go back to the drawing board. Think of a better name while you're at it."
"You're annoying! You're really pissing me off!" the drunk exclaimed.
"Boss, let's just kill him and steal all their sake," one of Daisuke's friends said.
"Oi, JUMP heroes don't go round killing innocent people and stealing from old grannies," Gintoki drawled.
"Good thing I'm not one then, ain't it?" Daisuke growled and held the knife at Gintoki's threat.
"What? A hero or a granny?"
"Neither, I'm neither!"
"Yeah, this doesn't seem like very good hero behaviour," he said, disinterested.
"I AIN'T A JUMP HERO!" Daisuke screamed and went to ram the knife right into his throat.
The next thing they knew, the large, drunk man had gone flying through the open door and onto the ground on the street, his right arm twisted at an unnatural angle and the knife had clattered to the floor. Gintoki was standing up and he sighed as he looked at the nine remaining, now stunned drunken men.
"What a pain in the a**," Gintoki grumbled, "I just wanted a nice, quiet drink here."
"Gintoki," Otose said, "Take it outside. Tama just swept the place. I don't want her hard work ruined."
"I'm not feeling very generous right now, you pimp," he muttered and turned to her with a lazy expression.
"Then you're just gonna go back to drinking?! Why do I bother keeping you around?!"
"My good looks and nice a** so you can loan me out to all your friends apparently."
"Useless perm head!"
"What're you talking about?!" one of the men demanded, angrily.
"She's try'na loan me out as everyone's house husband, can you believe that?" GIntoki told him.
"What kinda man wants to be a house husband?!" another of the men chortled.
"Heck, if I get paid, I don't care what I do," Gintoki shrugged.
"That's women's work!" one of the men said.
"Oh? You think so?" Gintoki asked. "You hear that, Tsukki. He says it's women's work," he called. "You need to be careful y'know," he said, turning back to the drunken Daisuke. "The women in this bar are pretty violent. They'll kill you for staying stuff like that. Besides, these days, the line between men and women's roles is so blurry it's like a bowl of miso soup," he shrugged.
"Does this make ya the woman, then?" Tsukuyo asked him, "Ya the one who mostly cooks and mends the clothes."
"Ah...that's true," he said, thoughtfully.
"And ya wear a frilly pink apron," she added.
"Don't mock my strawberry apron! I'm begging you, just give it a chance!"
One of the drunken men picked up a bar stool and swung it at Gintoki, clearly frustrated that they were being ignored. The silver haired samurai easily moved away and twisted the man's hand so that he dropped the stool.
"Waaaaa...my hand!" the man cried in agony.
"I'm trying to have a conversation with my honey here, don't be rude!" Gintoki yelled and tossed the second man outside with one hand.
"Take it outside, or I'm doubling your rent," Otose said.
"EH?! You can't do that!" Gintoki exclaimed. She stared at him unwaveringly and he grumbled under his breath. "FINE!" he yelled at her.
Three of the men ran at him and he shoved them aside easily, he tossed one of them outside, held another by the throat and swung him into the third man. The he more or less pushed them all outside. "You heard the granny, get out or she'll double my rent!" he yelled.
"Like we care about that!"
"Well, I care!" Gintoki yelled.
"Heh, you punk, y'got some nerve messing with me," Daisuke hissed at him, finally managing to stand up and he swayed on his feet.
"Oi, you started it."
"If the old woman had just given us the booze, we'd maybe have let you all live."
"Oh? That so? Well, you picked the wrong granny. She doesn't give anything away for free. She'd rather die," Gintoki shrugged.
"Bring it on, punk!" Daisuke ran at him. He tossed some fairly strong but uneven punched and after dodging a few, Gintoki easily grabbed his arm and twisted it, then kneed him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of him.
"Give him a left!" Fumi yelled from the bar, enthusiastically raising her fist, "A left!"
"This is a bar fight, not a spectator sport!" Gintoki yelled back.
"You're outside, that makes it a street fight!" she retorted, "That's a spectator sport, young man!"
"Blood thirsty old woman," he grumbled as he tossed Daisuke onto the floor and slammed his face into the dirt, hard. The larger, drunken man lay unmoving when a Gintoki took a step back and the men around him yelled in anger at watching their boss get beaten so easily.
"Oh? That it? Guess you're not Daisuke the undefeated anymore, huh?" Gintoki taunted him.
"Kill him!" one of the man yelled and the ran at him.
"Oi, Gintoki," Tsukuyo called from the door of the bar. "Ya chart says it's ya turn to cook tomorrow. What y'gonna cook for dinner?" she asked, seemingly uncaring of the fight.
"Dunno!" he replied, tossing one of the men across the street so that he crashed into a cart. "Kitchen's looking kinda bare right now. You gonna bring home the bacon tomorrow so I've got something to cook with?" he asked, ducking when a strong but uncoordinated punch was thrown his way.
"Don't want bacon," Tsukuyo replied, puffing on her pipe.
"Fine, no bacon," he replied punching one of the drunks in the face and the man flopped to the ground, out cold. "Err...get some fish, fish is cheap. I'll make oden," he declared. *1
"With onigiri!" Kagura yelled out.
"And tofu!" Shinpachi said.
"Lots of onigiri!" Kagura added.
"What am I? A chef? This isn't a restaurant!"
"Yaaaaahhhhh!" one of the men yelled as he ran at Gintoki with a broken piece of wood.
Gintoki kicked the piece of wood from his hand and grabbed him by the throat. "Y'see what I have to deal with?" he muttered to the man who was now struggling to breathe. "And you guys aren't helping!" he exclaimed, tossing the man aside. When that man was able to push himself up off the ground he ran away down the street.
Another man ran away after Gintoki fractured his arm, another passed out unconscious after his head was slammed into a wall mercilessly and two of them were left winded, unable to stand up after they were slammed into the ground. One of them managed to get behind him and held his arm around Gintoki's neck for a split second before he too was tossed aside like a rag doll and kicked hard in the stomach.
That left only two men, when Gintoki took a step closer to them, one of them held up a knife while the other one ran away.
Tsukuyo threw a kunai at the man's hand, knocking the knife from his hand and slicing over the back of his knuckles, deeply.
"Nice shot!" Himari grinned at her.
"Aaaaaarggghhh!" the man cried, clutching his bleeding hand. "You bitch!" he yelled.
"Oi, that's no way to treat a lady, y'know," Gintoki drawled, hoisting the man up off the ground with a hand around his throat. "Didn't anyone ever teach you guys any manners?" he mocked.
"C...can't...b...breathe..." the man choked.
"Well, maybe if you apologise, I'll think about letting you go," Gintoki shrugged.
"N...no...no way..."
"Huh, then I guess you'll choke to death," he said, squeezing his hand around the man's throat.
"O...okay...o...kay...I...I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." he stammered, starting to turn blue in the face.
"For what?" Gintoki pressed.
"S...seriously?!"
"You might have ten seconds...maybe five...who knows..."
"Fine...f...fine...I'm sorry for calling you...a bitch..." he glanced over at Tsukuyo.
"And for bursting into the bar and ruining my night," Gintoki grinned.
"And for threatening me!" Otose yelled.
"Fine, you better apologise for that too," Gintoki sighed, "Better make it quick."
"I'm sorry...I'm sorry f...for a...all that..." the man just about managed to say.
Gintoki dropped him onto the ground where he landed, coughing and spluttering and gasping for air and then he shuffled as far away as he could manage. Then he crawled away.
"That was fast," Himari said, stunned.
"Drag the fight out for longer next time, kid. We old people like a show," Fumi declared.
"Geez, that's the thanks I get, huh?" Gintoki grumbled.
"Seems like you're out of practice, Gintoki," Katsura drawled. The long haired samurai emerged from the dark shadow of a building opposite Otose's bar and he walked over to his friend. "That took you longer than it should have. They're unskilled and drunk. Ten years ago you would've have killed them in less than five seconds," he stated.
"Shut it, Zura," Gintoki snapped, "How long were you hiding back there? You could've helped, y'know."
"Zura ja nai, Katsura da. And it's not as though you need my help," Katsura scoffed.
"What're you doing sneaking around at night, anyway?" Gintoki asked him.
"I'm not sneaking!"
"Then what are you doing? Oooooh, were you on a date with Ikumatsu? You were, weren't you? Eeeeeh, I knew it..."
"S...shut it! I...I wasn't doing anything like that! I just went for soba!"
"Zura was on a daaaaaate," Gintoki mocked.
"I wasn't, I..."
"KATSURA!" Hijikata shouted as he and Sougo came running down the street, chasing after the samurai.
"Looks like I'm out of time," Katsura pursed his lip. "See you around, Gintoki!" he called over his shoulder and he ran away into the shadows.
"KATSURAAAAAA!" Sougo grinned and got ready to fire his bazooka.
Just before he could, Gintoki stuck out his leg and tripped him up and he tumbled to the ground, the heavy weapon hitting him in the head, comically.
"Oops," Gintoki mumbled. "Waaa, you Shinsengumi are pretty clumsy, aren't you?" he asked, smugly.
"That's obstruction of justice!" Hijikata yelled at him, "I'll lock you away for good this time!"
"Oi, shouldn't you be chasing after the dangerous terrorist, not threatening ordinary citizens," he drawled back.
"You're no ordinary citizen!" Hijikata replied, looking around at the mess from the fight and the men still trying to stand up. "Looks like you're disturbing the peace. That's more than enough grounds for an arrest to me," he said.
"Oh? This? It was self defence," he shrugged. "They threatened an old woman, y'know. I got witnesses. See?" he gestured over to the bar and at everyone standing in the doorway.
"Seems shady to me, danna," Sougo said.
"You're the shady one, you sadistic tax thief," Gintoki retorted. "Arrest those guys for threatening people, not me!" he pointed at the drunks on the ground.
"I say, we arrest you all," Hijikata said.
"You're letting an actual terrorist get away right now, shouldn't you be ashamed of yourselves? And now you're threatening to arrest me for protecting myself and innocent old ladies? You guys should be so ashamed, you should just commit sepukku right here."
"That's right!" Fumi yelled from the bar, "That handsome young man protected us from those violent thugs."
"Handsome young man," Gintoki grinned, "She means me."
"Law enforcement really has gone downhill these days," Himari said. "My husband knows a damn fine lawyer who owes him a favour. If you get arrested, we'll have you out in no time and he'll probably sue the city for wrongful imprisonment, too."
"Waaaa...grannies are the best," he muttered.
"Fine!" Hijikata yelled. "Damn, you're troublesome," he grumbled.
"I didn't do anything!"
"Sougo, let's lock these drunks up for the night," he sighed.
"And Katsura?"
"Forget it, he's long gone."
"And whose fault is that?" Gintoki drawled. "Whatever," he shrugged and walked back to the bar, leaving them to haul away the drunken men. "So, you good with oden tomorrow?" he asked, looking at Tsukuyo, Shinpachi and Kagura.
"S'fine," Tsukuyo replied and while Shinpachi and Kagura nodded. "Y'got dirt in ya hair," she noted after a moment.
"Eh? I do?" he blinked. "Where?" he mumbled, looking up uselessly and rubbing a hand through his hair.
"Ya makin' it worse," she sighed. She put a hand on his shoulder and forced him to kneel a little so that she could reach up and brush the dirt out of his hair.
"It gone?" he asked and she nodded. "Argh, why's this always happen to me?" he grumbled as they sat back down at their table, "And you guys weren't much help, were you?"
"Well, it didn't look like you need help," Shinpachi replied.
"That's right, Gin-chan," Kagura said. "The day a bunch of boozy drunks can beat you is the day I give up pickled seaweed, uh-huh," she said.
"Lazy kids," he muttered back. "And you can't double my rent," he glared at Otose, "I took the fight outside and nothing got broken!"
"Fine, I won't double it. This time," she shrugged.
"Ungrateful granny."
1*. Oden is a type of nabemono, consisting of several ingredients such as boiled eggs, daikon, konjac, and processed fishcakes stewed in a light, soy-flavored dashi broth.