CW/ death (nothing too graphic) and sexual content
chapter V
Remus woke up with a headache, face smashed against the pillows. The daylight shined through the window covers of the room, making for a peaceful scene. He groaned and stilled, wondering lazily why he felt so sore.
Then he remembered.
How could have he even forgotten for a second what had happened? He had snogged Sirius Black in the bathroom of a dodgy end-of-the-world party. The fact that they somehow had ended up there still stunned him. But nothing mattered in the face of the big event of the night, the moment he got pressed up against the wall and was attacked by Sirius like some horny teenager.
He shouldn't have let it happen. God, he was causing such a mess in his life and for what? Just to get one last shag with a fit bloke? It wasn't worth it, nor was it fair to Sirius.
But he was certain it would be a fantastic shag.
Nonetheless, it would not happen. Sirius was right to have stopped it at the right time, or else it would have gone further from the point of no return. So far, he had nothing to regret. A few kisses in a dark corner could still get passed as an innocent drunken mistake.
He would be lying if he said he didn't enjoy it. But he would live.
Remus left the bed and took a shower, all the while thinking about the kiss. The way Sirius had felt under his hands, the sensation of his mouth against his, the sound he'd made. He had to turn the water cold.
When he went downstairs, he wasn't sure of what he would say to him. Probably nothing. He couldn't talk about it, could he? Would it make Sirius uncomfortable? Ugh, how complicated.
Once he got to the living room, he saw Sirius wasn't there. For a second, a thought flashed across his mind. Maybe he had gone away. Perhaps he didn't even want to look at Remus in the face today and simply fled. Embarrassingly, the mere thought of such a thing frightened him.
He hurriedly went to check the kitchen. The first thing he saw was Sirius sitting at the table chewing on some toast. As he saw Remus' expression of worry, he stopped chewing and looked at him.
"Are you okay?" He asked with a mouthful.
"Uh, yes. Everything's fine," he said, overtly happy with a plastic smile on his face, trying to pretend his heart hadn't just sunk at the thought of abandonment.
He sat on the chair opposite Sirius and prepared a small plate of food in silence, not keen on eating much because of his hangover.
The silence was awkward. It stood like a wall between them. Remus couldn't think of anything to say to diffuse the tension. Sometimes, he would sneak looks at Sirius, who would always be looking away. He looked everywhere but at Remus, actually.
He clearly hadn't forgotten about the kiss, like Remus wished could have happened. It would have made things simpler. He hated how unnatural things became; he felt as though he was being watched, one false swoop, and it would all come crashing down. It was fragile.
"So… do you want to go on one last walk before we leave?" Remus asked, trying to make conversation. Their walk prior to the party had been pleasant, maybe things could go back to normal with some conversation about literally anything else.
Sirius shifted in his seat, which already gave Remus a sour taste in the mouth.
"Actually, could we get going to Edinburgh as soon as possible?" Sirius said, a crease on his forehead and a soft voice. "Sorry, I just—"
"No, no. It's fine, I'm not really in the mood either."
Well, that was that then.
He absentmindedly played with his food, not wishing to meet Sirius's eyes. Did he regret it because it was morally wrong or because it had been Remus? He feared the question would keep eating at him for a long time.
It was such a Remus thing for him to do, too, getting into a mess even with just a couple of weeks left to live. It made him queasy, but he still couldn't say whether it was in a good or bad way. He was starting to rethink the concept of dying without going out with a bang, for as much as it hurt his pride to say so.
This thing with Sirius… it made him scared of the near future, but it also made him excited. It gave him something to look forward to, even though the only thing that would probably happen from now on would be a painful conversation about how wrong he had been for cheating on his boyfriend like that. Still, it made him excited. It's the question of "what if?" hanging in the air that does it for him.
Breakfast ended without so much as an acknowledgement of his presence on Sirius' part. Last night had just been fun… can't it end at that, then? Does it have to be this awkward? Can't they just pretend nothing ever happened?
He didn't want to be embarrassed, so he just kept it to himself.
Before leaving the house, they made everything as tidy as they could, but some of the damage was irreversible, such as the door. They took the clothes they had picked from the boy, figuring he wouldn't miss them too terribly. Remus wondered if Sirius took the records, too.
Remus was scribbling down a note thanking them and apologising for everything in case they came back when he heard a loud crashing sound coming from the other side of the house.
"Sirius?" He shouted as he made his way towards where the sound had come from. "Sirius!"
He spotted Sirius standing in front of the open garage door. There was broken glass near his feet, but he didn't budge as he looked at what was in front of him.
"Sirius?" He asked carefully.
He turned his head to Remus slowly, frightened eyes boring holes into him.
"W—what happened?" He asked.
Sirius stepped back, Remus took it as his cue to go stand where he had been. It was confusing until he understood the point of it.
The garage reeked. He couldn't pinpoint what the mix of smells was until he saw it, the family's car was still parked there. Inside, he could see three people, a man in the driver's seat, a woman in the passenger's and a teenage boy on the backseat. All clearly unresponsive. He glanced at the rest of the room, all exits were sealed. Remus understood what he saw immediately.
He didn't want to look too much, so he turned away and closed the door behind him. Sirius stared at his feet, shocked.
Remus didn't know what to say. There was nothing to be said. This was the ugly side of it all. The one no one liked to actively think about, but that couldn't leave their heads for two minutes.
A minute of silence passed until Remus settled on saying,
"I'll go wait for you in the car."
Remus sat in the car, still processing what he had just seen. He made himself comfortable, taking the mixtape that dug at his leg from his pocket and placing it in between the seats. It took Sirius five minutes to show up. When he entered the car, neither of them said anything.
He began driving without a word. At least by now, Sirius knew to give him directions straight away, so the silence ceased to exist for some time. There wasn't a bite to what he said anymore, not witty remarks or interesting comments. He simply delivered the information.
After some time, he stopped giving directions as the way became simply one long road.
Remus knew the next stop would be Edinburgh. He wasn't sure what to think of it. It felt too soon to say goodbye to Sirius, and, to be honest, he didn't want to. Not yet. Going through the trouble of driving back home wasn't all that inviting at the moment.
He couldn't tell how much time had passed when Sirius turned to him.
"Can I play it?" He asked, holding up the mixtape.
Remus nodded, "sure."
What an awful time to listen to that piece of trash mixtape, but he wasn't about to say no to him in such a situation.
Sirius popped the tape inside the player, skipping the songs they had already listened to. Sure enough, Total Eclipse of the Heart, of all things, started playing.
He looked at Sirius from the corner of his eyes, his solemn expression contorted until he snorted lightly.
"This mixtape is a horror show, I'm sorry," Remus explained.
"If there's one thing that will always improve the mood, it's your boyfriend's music taste," said Sirius, a faint smile playing on his lips.
The ridiculous song played and Remus didn't know what to think. It was hitting harder than usual. It's not about the melancholic kitsch aspect it had, but rather the fact that it was Gideon's music. He had played this bloody tape so many times, it gave him whiplash to listen to any of those songs nowadays.
It had been bearable listening to it before, but now he could only tighten the grip on the steering wheel until his knuckles turned white and hope for it to end soon.
It wasn't that he still hadn't got over Gideon. He had. Very much so.
But he couldn't help but be mad at him for everything, the cheating, the abandonment, the insecurities he brought to the surface. God, it reminded him of how much he hated Gideon.
At least that's what he wished he felt. It would be easier to feel rage and get it over with by punching him in the face. The truth of the matter was that he was still hurt. Remus had left Mary to run after Gideon like a puppy, even going as far as moving for him.
As he thought about him, he scoffed involuntarily once he realised he was getting too emotional.
"Want me to turn it off?" Sirius asked beside him. Remus was instantly mortified by the fact that he could see he was about to cry.
"Uh. No, no. It's fine," he said, trying to keep his voice steady. He ridiculously failed.
He could sense Sirius looking at him through the corner of his eyes. He ignored Remus' answer and stopped playing the tape.
"You could have continued playing it, it's fine. Really," he tried to save it.
"No, I shouldn't have asked to play it again. I sensed there was something about it you didn't really like. I'm sorry."
"It's okay. It's not your fault." Remus regained a bit of control over his voice, thankfully.
"You can tell me anything, it's not like I'll have anyone else to tell it to," he chuckled softly. "You don't have to if you don't want to, of course. I just find that it helps to vent a little."
Remus tilted his head to the side while looking at the road ahead.
"You're right. I don't like listening to the tape," he began before he could stop himself.
"Do you miss him too terribly?" Sirius asked.
Remus glanced at him and saw that he bit his bottom lip apprehensively.
"Something of the sort," he answered vaguely. "Things are… complicated between us nowadays."
He knew he was digging a hole for himself here. Sirius clearly thought the tape made him sad, rather than furious.
"Oh," said Sirius. "Are you going to Edinburgh to get him back?"
Remus' blood ran cold.
"Uh, yes. Sort of," he said.
Sirius chewed on his bottom lip, deep in thought with his eyebrows furrowed.
"Listen, I'll help you get him back," he said, looking up at Remus in all earnestness.
That phrase was exactly what he had been fearing. God, he really had dug up his own grave.
"No! I mean—you'll be busy, you'll have James, Lily, and Harry. It's okay, I can handle it." He tried his best to sound natural and not overly worried about the issue.
"You've helped me get this far! It's the least I could do," said Sirius.
"You don't have to worry about it," he argued.
"Moony, I'm a man of my word. I'll help you, like it or not," Sirius said with conviction.
The nickname was back, at least. Though it did strike Remus with the memory of Sirius murmuring it in his ear the night prior.
"God," he mumbled in a defeated manner more to himself than to him.
Sirius smiled excitedly at him as he tried not to frown.
He had to be doing this out of guilt. There was no other explanation. Sirius probably felt bad about last night and regretted it terribly, now he felt he had to make up for Remus' doomed relationship and try to save it.
A part of Remus that was increasingly out of control wished he didn't feel any sort of remorse towards it. Couldn't they have their fun and go their separate ways? But, ugh, it hurt to admit he didn't want to go yet.
As he drove in a more comfortable silence, he found himself wishing for something bad to happen, for the car to break down, for them to spiral out of control and hit a wall or something.
Of course, nothing happened. Soon enough, he spotted the city's entrance.
"It seems we have arrived," he announced, voice tight.
"I think I remember the way to James'. You'll have to trust my instinct." Sirius sat up and his mood had clearly improved, Remus didn't know whether it was because he had found a way to solve last night's mistake or because they were closer to James. He secretly hoped it was the latter.
"I don't know if trusting your instinct is the way to go," Remus teased.
"You can say whatever you like, I don't care," he shrugged. "But you have to promise me you'll go meet them. Don't just drop me off."
Remus smiled shyly, "Okay." That felt like a mistake. "Are they expecting you?"
Sirius scratched his head, "No. Not really." Remus eyed him with a cocked eyebrow. "I didn't get a chance to warn them! It's not like I planned on leaving in the middle of the night, but James knew I wanted to get there."
"So you're sure they will be there?" Remus asked carefully.
"Yes, a hundred per cent. Don't worry about it, just drive." He put on his sunglasses like a prat, Remus snorted.
Edinburgh was livelier than the other small towns they had visited over the last couple of days, but it still carried the sense of doomsday. It was more similar to London in that aspect, as it seemed to have more people pretending everything was normal when going about their days on the streets. A few establishments were even open here and there, all random and, frankly, useless, such as the bank.
They drove through the city centre, it was a lovely city, he had to admit. Remus let his mind wander towards Gideon again, wondering where he was. He had said his new boyfriend was posh, so he would probably spend the end of his days at a very nice house in a very nice neighbourhood getting fucked senseless before the world ended. How nice, he didn't deserve any of it.
"Okay, now take a left here." Sirius pointed towards a street, he was getting increasingly excited and was now sitting at the tip of his seat. If Remus wasn't careful, he could give him a bruise on the head easily. "Oh! Look at this park!" He jumped up excited and pointed at a passing park. "When I came home from school with James we would spend all day long there. We liked to annoy the old ladies that got together to knit there every day. They loved us."
"Poor old ladies," Remus muttered teasingly, "can't even knit in peace without you prattling on about."
"Old women love me," Sirius argued. "Now take a right,—we're almost there!"
Remus found his reactions amusing, but a twinge of pain in his chest still bothered him.
"There! It's that one!" He pointed towards a house on the far end of the street. It was big and stood in all of its old-world prestige, almost spitting on Remus and calling him poor.
"You didn't tell me he was rich."
"He… lives comfortably," said Sirius.
Remus laughed, "Just as you did, I bet."
Sirius didn't stick around long enough for an answer, because the second he pulled up in front of the house, he was swinging the car door open and running to the entrance. God, he was like a dog in human form.
There was a small fence in the front of the house, which Sirius completely ignored and jumped over with ease. Remus watched from the comfort of the driver's seat in astonishment. By then, he was at the door knocking feverously.
"Prooongs!" He called in a sing-song way.
The door swung open, Remus could only see a flash of black hair and hear a muffled voice before the person behind it was tackled by Sirius in an embrace. At that exact moment, Remus turned to look at the steering wheel and felt awfully lonely, but he was still happy for Sirius, whose happiness was contagious.
Their hug didn't seem like it would end soon, but a redhead woman approached them from inside the house, which made Sirius let go of who he assumed was James and tackle her in a bone-crushing hug.
James stood flushed next to them, a warm and inviting smile on his face. He looked around to the street and quickly spotted Remus just staring at them, which in turn made him look away, slightly embarrassed.
For a second, Remus debated taking that moment as his chance to leave and never look back. But a glance at the passenger seat, where Sirius' precious bag still sat, was all it took to convince him to stay.
"You brought him?"
The sudden question beside him made Remus jump a bit. He looked up to see James standing beside the car.
"Uh, Sirius? Yeah. I—I can go but his bag is still here." He was caught by surprise.
James' questioning eyes quickly became kind when he noticed Remus' inoffensive tone, the warm smile returning to his face.
"Oh! No, that's okay." James raised his arms apologetically. Before he could continue, Remus spotted Sirius coming back with a huge smile on his face.
"Prongs, I see you've already met Remus." He approached James from behind and put a hand on his shoulder, shaking it in a brotherly manner.
"Remus, this is Prongs,—or James." He pointed towards him. "Get out of that car, will ya?"
He scrambled to open the door and get his long legs out of the car. Remus struggled with being under the spotlight. He closed the door behind him and stood awkwardly in front of them.
"Yes, hello, James." He held out a hand. "Sirius told me a lot about you."
James smiled brightly and laughed, "Never trust his point of view when telling a story! He always tells it all wrong to make himself look better. I bet he told you about the Buzzcocks already,—saying that it was all him," he said while shaking Remus' hand. The frantic pace caught him off-guard. "Where's Lily?" He asked Sirius, looking back at the door.
"She went to awake Harry from his nap, of course. The kid needs a little warning for when his favourite person in the world gets near or else he might piss himself a little, sort of like a dog."
Remus couldn't hold his laughter at the stupid comment, and neither could James.
"Bugger off, he doesn't need your influence," said James.
"Well, yes,—if he doesn't want to be the absolute coolest bloke to have ever lived," Sirius said with a grin.
"Padfoot!" A child's voice called from behind Sirius and James. They turned around and Remus was able to see a kid running through the front garden and towards them. Behind him, there was a smiling redhead woman, Lily.
Sirius made a pleased sound and went to his encounter, kneeling on the floor and receiving a big hug.
"Oh, Prongslet, how much I've missed you," he said happily while getting the kid off the ground and spinning him around.
Remus looked at the scene adoringly, Sirius was clearly a very well-loved person. It was endearing to see how much his friends loved him, the sincere happy looks they wore on their faces made it all clear.
"He'll never let that stupid nickname go," said James beside him. "Prongslet, it's infuriatingly ridiculous." His expression betrayed his words since his smile showed it didn't bother him whatsoever.
Remus, feeling awfully displaced, didn't know what to answer and only huffed out a laugh.
Sirius had everything here. He probably hadn't been thinking straight when he offered for Remus to stay, so he was already preparing himself for the uncomfortable talk in which Sirius told him he could go already.
"Lils! Come meet Remus!—It's Remus, right?" James asked him.
"Uh, yes," he said with a faint smile. All the while, Sirius was still distracted by the child.
"We're used to uncommon names around here. When Sirius first introduced himself to me I thought it was a joke."
Lily approached them and shook his hand, introducing herself.
"Where do you know Sirius from?" She asked pleasantly.
"The street," he said. "I mean,—He bumped into me, I lost my keys, and he ended up driving me away,—"
"Oh no, here he comes to tell you I kidnapped him," Sirius cut in, approaching them with a giggling child in his arms.
"Sirius!" Lily reprimanded. "Did he kidnap you?" She asked Remus with wide eyes.
He laughed, "Yes. But no, not really.—It was a bit of a life or death situation."
"How come?" James asked.
Sirius swung his free arm around him and started telling the full tale of their journey from beginning to end. They eventually entered the house as he talked. Remus was kindly invited to come in as well.
The house was even better on the inside, not grand and cold like Sirius had described his own childhood home during their talks while driving, but invitingly warm. The colours were vibrant and the decoration had a homely feel to it. He could see how a happy child could have grown up there and why Sirius had loved to spend school holidays there. Perhaps thanks to a life like that he managed to become this warm presence rather than the cold and distant one of the Black family from the papers.
Sirius told them everything about their journey. Remus made a few interjections here and there, but nothing much, since he still felt dislocated between the trio of old friends. He left out a few parts, though, such as the dead bodies and their make-out session in the bathroom. They didn't need to know about that.
"I didn't even notice you were wearing some teenager's clothes!" Lily voiced, surprised and laughing. "Well, it's not as if your taste has evolved at all since that age."
"Lily! I am easily the most fashionable person sitting at this table,—no offence, Moony,—but you all dress like shit."
Remus laughed at his honesty, not offended at all.
"You dress as if you picked your clothes in the dark," said Lily.
"And I dress very well, thank you very much," said James.
They sat at the table with now empty cups of tea. Remus spent most of the time simply observing the amusing dynamic between the group. That was Sirius in his own element, where he felt most comfortable and most like himself. It was very interesting to see.
"Er, Remus," Lily called carefully when James and Sirius were too enthralled in a heated discussion about the ethics of stealing someone's records. "Help me bring the cups to the kitchen?" She smiled kindly and Remus nodded, promptly getting up from the table and collecting the empty cups.
He followed her into the kitchen, which was just as glorious as the rest of the house.
"James will probably tell you the same thing later," she began, her back turned to him while she placed the cups in the sink, "but thank you for helping Sirius." She turned to him with kind eyes and a warm smile. "He doesn't have it easy, you know?"
Remus fiddled with the seam of his shirt, "It's okay. We helped each other, really."
She took a step towards him, smile softening a little.
"Yes, but I know Sirius is… well, not always the easiest. He means well most of the time."
He didn't know what she was talking about. If anything, Remus had been the pain in the arse of the past couple of days.
"Uh, sure. I get it," he settled on saying. "I should get going, I don't want to bother you any further, I—"
"Who said anything about going?" James cut in as he passed through the door followed by Sirius. Their presence was loud and obnoxious, it filled the room.
"I should go, I've already stayed too long," he began explaining.
"Go?" Sirius asked, disappointment showing on his face. "You can't go now! James," he turned to his friend with pleading eyes, "he could stay, right?"
"I thought it had already been decided that he could!" said James.
"I really don't want to be a bother," Remus argued, cringing at himself. He tried not looking at Sirius in fear he'd blush too much, the conviction he showed when asking if Remus could stay already made him smile internally.
"Stop being silly," James dismissed him. "We've got more than enough room! You could get some rest here for as long as you'd like and go your own way."
"Yes, Remus, it would be a pleasure," Lily offered a kind smile, agreeing with her husband.
"Besides, you have to meet the rest of our friends," Sirius said excitedly.
"That you do," James completed.
Remus stared at them confusedly.
"Tonight we'll throw a farewell party here," Lily explained. "Just a few friends from school, nothing new."
Remus nodded, "Oh, right. Well, I suppose I could stay… But I'll be out of your hair in no time."
Sirius' smile widened and Remus hated the way it affected him.
It was all settled then. Remus would at least spend the night at the Potter residence and probably go his own way the next day. He still didn't know what he would do about Sirius wishing to help him get Gideon back, that would be a problem for Future Remus, God bless him.
The rest of the morning passed in the same ease, they talked and talked about everything. Remus found himself surprised at how he grew comfortable in James and Lily's presence, they were so nice to him, he even felt a little bad for not being able to give anything back to them. He could see that they acted that way because they supported Sirius and whoever helped him no matter what, it warmed his heart a little to see it.
They had lunch together, which was filled with a dozen other stories of their lives, the dumb shit that they did over the years. Remus could sense a sad tint behind their words, they all knew that was probably the last time some of those stories would get mentioned in conversation, but it was their last opportunity, so they had to make sure they told it all properly.
When laughing at whatever ridiculous thing had been said, the moment their smiles would relax and they would calm down, was when the thought of The End would come rushing back to them. He could see it in their eyes and could also feel it in his own expression.
He found himself not wanting to even think about it anymore. Before all this, he thought about The End every day in the most blasé way possible. Now, however, he did his best to push those thoughts to the back of his head. He'd worry later.
It didn't help that he felt so alive.
Every time Remus would throw his head back in laughter or share a look with someone, most often Sirius, he'd forget all about it. It would be just a normal day with nothing special about it. Then the realisation would come, and it was starting to hurt.
He didn't want to admit it, but it was true.
Either way, it was no time to think of it. Not when Sirius captured his attention with such ease while the most interesting stories he wished he had lived.
He learned Lily was much closer to his reality, having grown up in a working-class family in an industrial town. She got a scholarship at Sirius and James' sister school, they met every year at an event promoted by the schools. James was struck by her since day one, while she didn't give him the time of day. The tale was all told by Sirius, who took great pleasure in going over his friend's failures, going as far as ranking each attempt at asking her out.
After lunch, Lily kindly showed him to his room. The house could easily store more people in it than the three that lived there permanently. The room was better than his own at his apartment, with wide windows that had a view to the quaint back garden and a spacious bed.
"And here are some towels, feel free to take a shower. You can borrow some of James' clothes, too, but I'm afraid the trousers will be a bit short," Lily said with her finger on her chin, analysing his ankles.
"Don't worry about it, really. You've already done enough," he said.
She smiled and took a step towards the door as if to leave, but stopped on her tracks and turned back to Remus with a smug grin.
"You know, usually I wouldn't be so upfront, but given the current climate… Well, anyway,—I see the way you look at each other," her smile widened and Remus' mouth gaped open as he looked to the side.
"W—what?" he managed to ask.
"I knew you would both act like this.—No, I haven't said anything to Sirius, I just know him far too well. But… there's not much time left, so I suppose I'm trying to nudge you in the right direction, understand?"
Remus was torn between pretending he had no idea of what she was saying or simply denying it all.
"What I mean is: go for it, there's nothing to lose," she said firmly before leaving him standing in the middle of the room, cheeks burning crimson.
He only stopped staring after her when the door closed loudly. They hadn't talked about what exactly brought Remus to Edinburgh, so she had no way of knowing about his supposed boyfriend.
Remus laid on the bed and stared at the ceiling as he thought about what to do with what was left of his life. His thoughts circling Sirius were rampant and disorganised, so much so that it became white noise soon enough, putting him to sleep quickly.
The house looked good in the morning, but at night it looked even better, especially when it was filled with people. Remus had slept for a little too long in the afternoon, waking up for the "small get-together" later than he had planned. It was alright, he was dressed in the shirt Lily left for him and had the time to take a shower. But once he left the bedroom, he saw that it was already in full swing.
Everyone clearly knew each other there, the excitement in the room was even contagious, laughter echoed through the walls and led him from room to room as he tried to find a friendly face.
It was a better crowd than the one at Dorca's house, that he could see. There didn't seem to be any hard drugs in use at the moment, but perhaps they would only come into play past midnight.
Remus passed through the crowd as if he was invisible, people even bumped into him, surprised to see someone stood in the way. Eventually, he found Sirius, who stood in the middle of a crowd gesticulating excitedly, clearly telling a story. Everyone's eyes were glued on him, all watching, reacting, and laughing in awe. This was Sirius in his element, where he felt most comfortable. It was a great thing to see.
He only watched, without being able to hear what Sirius was saying. Mid-sentence, Sirius' eyes found his, and he stopped talking altogether, opening a smile and gesticulating for him to come closer.
"Everyone, this is Remus," he hooked an arm around Remus' shoulders once he approached the group apprehensively. "Just wait until I tell you all about our adventure," he said to the group and then turned back to Remus, "but now, Moony, I must finish the story I was telling about Wormtail." He unhooked his arm from his shoulders, leaving Remus in the crowd of his admirers.
This would have annoyed Remus had Sirius not looked so happy in the process. People threw him curious glances, probably wondering who was this nobody in a sea of friends, but Remus was used to that feeling.
"What happened next was that Wormtail kept pestering me to go back,—as you can see, zero sense of adventure—"
"No, it wasn't like that," he who Remus assumed was Wormtail cut in.
"Yes it was. But anyway, he kept crying in our ears telling us Professor Minnie would kill him or whatnot,—a drama queen. Then, he..." Sirius told the story but Remus had no idea of what he was talking about, he couldn't focus.
He was lovely. He really was lovely.
Then, for the second time that day, Sirius told the story of how he and Remus had ended up there. It should have been tiring to hear it all again, but every time he told it, Sirius acted out events enthusiastically in an entrancing way. Somewhere around the time Sirius told everyone about the supermarket incident, someone kindly offered Remus a drink, which he gladly drank as he stared at him.
Their tale was met with thunderous laughter and a thousand questions, it amused everyone.
"Sirius Black invading a house? Your Marauder days really came back, huh?" A woman next to them asked in a playful tone with an arched eyebrow.
"I may not have been all that useful," Sirius confessed with his hands up in surrender. "Remus did all of it, perhaps we've found the fourth Marauder."
The warm smile Sirius threw his way could have made him stumble if he was walking. Thankfully, though, he was standing up straight.
"You can't meet any new person. You always say they're the fourth Marauder," Wormtail said with a slightly annoyed expression. "And then four days later you're over them." Remus didn't quite know how to react to that, he simply looked at the ground as an awkward silence filled the space for a couple of seconds.
"I'm always full of shit, Wormy," said Sirius, "but now I'm being honest."
So that's Peter. Well, he was no James.
"Sure you are," Peter said, not minding Sirius' playfulness. Sirius took a step towards him and hooked an arm around his neck, pushing his head down so he could scratch his head strongly with his knuckles. Peter made a noise in protest but wasn't able to stop Sirius from doing so. It was affectionate, but Remus could sense a hint of trouble on both sides.
After a few seconds of laughing as he did it, Sirius let Peter go. His blond hair was sticking out everywhere and he looked downright angry.
"I'll have to go fix it now, Padfoot," he mumbled irritably as he tried putting the strands of hair back where they belonged. Soon enough, Peter left.
The group had found another subject, rolling their eyes at Sirius and Peter's childish behaviour and letting them be to the side. Remus, who had been observing them, didn't engage in any conversation. He'd been finding it hard to talk to those people, but it was to be expected.
Sirius watched Peter go with a faintly amused smile on his face. Once he left the room, he turned back to Remus, catching him looking.
Sirius frowned lightly, "Sorry about him."
"It's okay," Remus mumbled. "He doesn't have to like me."
"Ah, that he does," Sirius' frown deepened comically and then turned into a carefree smile. "What he thinks doesn't really matter, though. He'll go along with anything if you just insist."
"I don't know how pleased he'd be at that," Remus observed.
"We're dying in like ten days, who cares?" Sirius shrugged.
Peter was clearly not the most beloved of the group. Had James not liked him, he would probably be on his way back home and Sirius wouldn't have said a thing.
He took a sip from his drink while staring blankly at a corner. Remus feared that looking at Sirius would inspire his body to not be able to look away. He watched the crowd and for a moment felt thrown right back to the party at Dorca's house from a few days ago.
The people that had been listening to Sirius had dragged him into a conversation, which left Remus with little to do. Looking at the crowd, he didn't recognise Lily, James, or even their kid. Embarrassed to stay in one place looking stupid, he walked around the room.
The party extended into their back garden, which was beautifully lit up by various lights that hung from the side of the house. There were fewer people outside, which made the noise more bearable.
Remus hadn't noticed how welcome a break would be until he stood next to a bench smoking a cigarette he got from a random someone.
He stared at the moon; it was full. It offered him some kind of inner peace, to look at it, knowing it would be the last.
"It's not that I don't like Peter..." The suddenness of the comment made him jump. Remus looked to the side and saw Sirius standing there, grinning as he saw the effect his presence made on him. "I just know how he functions. He gets jealous over his friends."
Remus was instantly reminded that he wasn't, in fact, at Dorca's. The company there wasn't as good as this.
"Jealous?" Remus arched an eyebrow while glancing at Sirius.
"Yes, I think he's probably afraid of being abandoned or whatnot. It's silly to think about that when we're all going to die, but old habits die hard, apparently."
"I don't blame him," Remus said thoughtfully, bringing the cigarette to his lips. "I was once kind of like that."
"Really? How so?" Sirius asked as he stretched out his hand towards the cigarette Remus had between his fingers. He, of course, handed it to him. Sirius never cared about boundaries, never asked if it was alright to talk about something. Remus found out he liked the straightforwardness.
"Well, I was never a person of many friends," Remus looked down at his feet. When he glanced up, he saw Sirius puffing at the cigarette. He looked great under the pale moonlight. "It was mostly Mary and me against the world. But then came Gideon, and I became friends with his friends. They always liked him better than they did me."
Sirius handed the cigarette back to him. Remus brought it to his lips as they shared a look, Sirius' face was unreadable.
"Now you have me. And James. And Lily. And Harry," he said with a soft smile.
Remus chuckled, "I suppose I do."
They continued to smoke in silence, passing the cigarette between each other. They stood side by side while leaning against the house, their shoulders sometimes brushed. Eventually, the cigarette ended, and they had no reason to be outside looking at the sky. Remus dreaded having to go back to the house.
"I'm sorry if I made you come," Sirius said quietly after a while.
Remus glanced at him and saw that he was looking down.
"You didn't," he said, sure of himself. "And I don't blame you for the fact that I suck at socialising."
"No, you don't… suck."
Remus chuckled, "I do. But it's okay, this is already better than the party I went to the day we met."
"Is it? That must have been torture for you," Sirius laughed faintly.
"The company there wasn't the best," he glanced at Sirius and felt himself blush, hoping the darkness hid it. "It was at one of those 'friend's' house."
"Was he there?" The glint of humour behind his voice had disappeared.
Remus took a sharp breath, "yes. He was."
"Oh. Yikes," he said uncomfortably.
Sirius abruptly turned to him, leaning against the house with only one shoulder. Remus felt cornered, there was nowhere to look but at Sirius' face a few inches from his own.
"Y-you said something happened between you two, right?"
It was hard to focus when Sirius stared at him so intently.
"Yes," Remus mumbled.
"And that you would try to get him back, right? A 'rough patch'?"
"Y-yes, sort of," Remus swallowed, he found that he hated lying to Sirius.
Remus could feel a tipping point about to happen. Something in the atmosphere told him this was the point of no return. His eyes widened as he looked at Sirius' beautiful, beautiful face that was only made better by the blue hue of the night. His pale blue eyes were examining Remus' face, and, at some point, settled on what he supposed were his lips.
"So you're not actually together, right?"
He found himself leaning towards Sirius to answer his question while replaying last night in his head, wishing it would happen again.
"Hey, you two!"
Remus flinched as he heard someone approaching, Sirius jumped backwards. James appeared with a drunken smile on his face, not having how close they had been just a couple of seconds prior.
"You disappeared! Everyone's looking for you," he told Sirius. "And Lily was looking for you," he turned to Remus.
"Right, uh, I'll be right there," Sirius uncomfortably shifted where he stood while fixing the way his jacket fell on his shoulders.
James looked at them for a second too long and smiled again before nodding an "Alright!" and leaving.
Remus tore his eyes away from Sirius and sank further into the wall. "Fuck," he muttered under his breath.
Sirius was still looking at the way James went, probably seeing him go. Then, he turned around hastily, taking Remus by surprise, his face even closer than it had been before.
"In an hour. I'll meet you in your room, okay?" His eyes were full of expectations, he didn't seem sure about anything he was doing.
Remus could only nod before Sirius left him.
Oh, God.
He had to admit; it was torture standing in corners as he tried not to stare at the clock. A lot of thoughts flashed through his mind, all of them about what would happen once he met Sirius in… God, there was still half an hour left.
Remus downed another drink, hoping it would make time go faster. Once he got tired of standing in a certain room, he would go to another one, always being a wallflower. All the while, he saw Sirius go from room to room with ease, always talking to someone. Their gazes never met, even though Remus was almost boring holes into the back of his head due to how intensely he looked at him.
For his pleasure, after some time, he saw Lily walking towards him. He was standing next to the staircase, not even noticing the way he had gravitated towards the way to his room.
"Having fun?" She asked, upbeat, approaching him with a drink in hand.
"Yes," he answered, not trying to offend her with the truth. "Loads."
She chucked, "There's no need to lie, Remus. Or should I say Moony? That's how Sirius sometimes calls you, isn't it?" She looked innocent enough, but Remus knew there was a hint of something else in her tone.
"He does, sometimes." The smile on his face gave it away.
Her smile turned smug, but then it quickly disappeared. "I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable, I should have thought more about you instead of just throwing you into a room full of strangers."
"No, that's okay. You shouldn't have to worry about me."
"Well, a friend of Sirius is a friend of mine." She shrugged.
"I'm actually a bit tired, so I might just retire in a few minutes," he tried preparing the ground for his exit.
"Oh, that's fine, don't worry about it," she waved a dismissive hand. "Sirius just told me the exact same thing," the shit-eating grin returned to her face and Remus felt exposed.
"We… both had a long day," he tried explaining, not meeting her eyes.
Lily laughed, "Don't worry about it. At least you listened to my advice, huh?" Even though she didn't treat him with any uncomfortableness, he still felt himself blush. "Now, if you may excuse me, I'll go check on Harry."
She winked at him before leaving.
God, how stupid he felt standing next to that staircase. At least no one paid him any mind. He had strategically placed himself where he could clearly see read the time on a clock that hung on the wall. There were around five minutes left.
With sweaty palms, Remus went up the stairs. He couldn't pinpoint why he was so bloody nervous, but he feared his hands were trembling when he reached out to twist the knob of his room's door.
The party's sound was muffled when he closed the door behind him. Remus was hit with the realisation of what he was doing. He paced around the room, heart beating out of his chest.
He couldn't explain the reaction his body had to all of that, but his thoughts were too loud for him to care about anything other than the fact that, at any second, Sirius would come through the door.
He stared at the bed that stood in the middle of the room. The room was dimly lit, God knows Remus couldn't turn all the lights on, that way he would have to think clear thoughts. And the people in the back garden would be able to see him.
A hurried knock on the door startled Remus out of his thoughts. He turned to it with embarrassing speed. Soon enough, someone opened it carefully from the outside. The first thing he saw was a flash of black hair.
"Moony?" Sirius closed the door behind him.
"Hi," Remus said softly, breathless and unsure of what to do.
"Hi," Sirius answered, the same uneasiness in his tone, but with a glint of humour behind it.
They stood looking at each other for a few moments. It made Remus feel exposed. He smiled out of nervousness. Sirius smiled back.
Eager to end the silence, Sirius cleared his throat, "I'm sorry for taking you out of the party."
"Don't be," said Remus, already tired of the subject.
"I'm not, actually." Sirius laughed nervously, "Not really."
They stood awkwardly for a few more seconds until Sirius broke the silence again. "I—Well, uh," he stumbled through the words.
"Ah, fuck it," Remus breathed out and took a few steps forward so he was chest to chest with Sirius, who was clearly taken aback by the action but didn't budge. He didn't end the distance between them, lips hovering in front of Sirius', almost brushing.
He saw Sirius' eyes flickering across his face, mostly torn between looking at his eyes or lips. Remus could have looked at him this up close all day. He always looked gorgeous, without a single imperfection, no matter the distance in which you looked at him. Remus' patience, however, was wearing thin.
"Aren't you here for a reason?" He whispered.
Sirius took a deep breath, "Fuck."
It was all it took for Sirius to lean forward and capture Remus' lips with his own. It was done with urgency, his hands shooting up to cradle Remus' face. Remus melted into it, willing to let himself be dragged around and used in any way Sirius wanted.
It was frantic, Remus had to hold on to Sirius, so he wasn't sent stumbling backwards. Sirius was intoxicating, he was everywhere, the press of his body, the feelings of his hands, his mouth against Remus', the smell of leather you couldn't wash off… It was all just so undeniably him. It was an odd thought to have about someone you barely know, but Remus felt as though the normal barrier between two strangers didn't exist with him anymore.
He couldn't prevent his hands from travelling once he was able to stand properly.
He tried to walk backwards in the direction of the bed without breaking the kiss, dropping his hands lower along Sirius' back, already pulling on the shirt loosely tucked inside the trousers. Sirius, though, didn't seem eager to reason with him, as he had already left his jacket on the floor somewhere around the room and began pulling on Remus' shirt, all the while glued to the spot.
Remus let him discard his shirt. After all, he wasn't made of steel.
"C'mon," he murmured against Sirius' lips, nudging his head towards the bed. Sirius didn't lose time saying anything, as his lips were back to Remus', but he now pushed him towards the bed.
The kiss turned slow and languid after it was made obvious that Remus wasn't going anywhere. Remus tried and failed to land on the bed without breaking the kiss. He held himself up by his elbows while Sirius stared down at him, breathless.
He couldn't hold the smile that came to his lips once their eyes met. He definitely did not look like the sort of person that was counting the hours to meet with his boyfriend, but it was no time to worry about that.
"There's still time to back out," Sirius said, his smile dropping slightly, a bit of reason flashing across his eyes for a second.
Remus didn't bother to answer, instead of reaching out and looping a finger through one of the belt loops of Sirius' trousers to pull him forward, eyes fixed on his. He couldn't hide his desire. Truth was, he had never been with someone as fit as Sirius, but there was much more to him as well. It was enough of an answer, as Sirius soon met him on his level with a deep, keen kiss.
Sirius was on top of him, Remus took it as an opportunity to run his hands all over him until he finally managed to get the shirt off, awfully curious to see what all of his tattoos looked like. The sound that escaped his throat the moment he saw the full extent of the tattoos was quite embarrassing to say the least.
The black ink covered his pale chest beautifully, with all sorts of runes and symbols that he couldn't quite make out under the dim light.
"You look so—" he started saying but quickly came to a halt, not wishing for emotion to take over.
"Gorgeous? Beautiful? Devilishly handsome?" Sirius threw him his best come-hither look, which totally worked.
"Yes," he breathed out.
Sirius chuckled lightly and went back to kissing all along his jawline and neck. His hands trailed down Remus' torso, settling on his hipbone, just above his trousers. Tentatively, he slipped a finger inside, stroking his skin. Sirius' patience was making Remus borderline annoyed, but he couldn't bring himself to say anything.
Sirius' lips travelled downwards towards his chest, his eyes glued on Remus as he made his way south. It was obscene.
"Don't look at me like that..." Remus said in a hazy voice.
"Like what?" Sirius asked playfully.
"Like that," he answered, "like I'm anything to write home about."
He stopped kissing his abdomen and raised himself, eyes still glued on Remus'. He came closer so their lips were brushing.
"Remus Lupin, I could write an entire thesis,—a book, even," he said with a smirk before he kissed him even more deeply, losing all patience and unbuttoning his trousers. They were off before he could even notice.
Sirius settled his knee between Remus' legs, spreading them wider. Soon enough, his trousers were off too.
Sirius' bare skin felt so unbearably hot against Remus', he could feel him all over with intense, frantic need. Something he hadn't felt in months,—actually, scratch that, in years. They breathed heavily as they rocked against each other, not a single coherent thought forming in Remus' brain.
It didn't take much time until they were both completely exposed, the sounds that escaped both of their throats becoming needier and more present. There was an ego-boosting aspect at the thought of getting Sirius off, he had to admit. It was enticing and exciting. The sound he made once Remus reached downwards would be stuck in his head 'til the day he died, which doesn't say much, but figuratively speaking…
He could have cried with anticipation, but thankfully, as Sirius got more worked up, he started to lose his patience, meeting Remus on his level. Once they fell into a rhythm, Remus felt as though he could pay more attention to the man he had with him, his presence was out worldly, he needed to see every inch of him.
It wasn't just about the gorgeous body, he soon noticed. He wanted to look into Sirius' eyes and see the kindness and good-humoured nature in them, it was about him, the way he acted, who he was. Sirius was much more than a pretty face, which could be proven by his personality alone. It lured Remus in and made him fascinated with its intricacies.
It felt natural to get lost in him.
It didn't take much longer until Remus came with Sirius' name on his lips, murmuring it like a mantra. The winning grin on the other's face should have annoyed him, but it only made Sirius more endearing.