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He stared up at me. He didn't move from his spot on the sand, just looked at me. I saw his mouth move faintly, but I wasn't sure what he said. I decided to go down and speak to him.
When I reached the end of the path down I stared up at him while the wind blew my hair up around my face.
"You look-" he just looked at me and reached up to my hair.
"My name is Elowen Martinez." I bit my lip as I felt tears spring into my eyes, "I think your son Aslan might be my dad."
"You look just like him." his face was getting red and he had the saddest smile on his face.
"Do you know where I can find him? I just- I'm so glad I get to meet you because I've only ever known my mom's parents but I've been so desperate for so long to know him because my grandmother says I'm exactly like him and I-"
"How about some cocoa?" he put a hand out, hesitating, like he was afraid to touch me, afraid I might disappear just as quickly as I had come.
"Okay." I nodded, "Can I ask you some questions?"
"Later," he ran his hand down my head and held my cheek, "There's plenty of time for that. I never... I never thought I would have a grandchild. Grif- your uncle, your father's brother, he never had kids and I never expected Ash to... Can I hug you?"
"Yes!" I threw my arms around him and cried on his shoulder.
"Ellie!" I heard Mei in the distance but I ignored her. I was too happy to interrupt this moment for anyone.
The cocoa was great. He said it was my step-grandmother's recipe. Her name was Jennifer. She died a long time ago.
"So how old are you?" he asked.
"Seventeen."
"But he would have..." my grandfather started mumbling to himself as he considered some things. "What was your mother's name?"
"Isabella Martinez. She died when I was born." I explained.
"But Ash said..."
"Please tell me what you're mumbling about!" I begged, "I've never known anything about my father except for the things that my grandmother yelled about hating! Please tell me everything!"
"If you're seventeen, your father would have been fourteen when you were conceived. I wouldn't put it past my son, but I never would have thought he would abandon a pregnant girl. He's always had a soft spot for weaker and more vulnerable people."
"I don't think my mother ever told him, and I'm sure my grandmother never would have told him. She hated him."
"I can understand why." my grandfather said, "Your father had a way of making people angry."
"'Had'? Is he-" I felt my heart shattering as this hopeful little bubble started to shatter around me. The tears were streaming down my cheeks and I felt my hands shaking.
"Ellie..." Mei hugged me, "It's going to be okay? I know you had hope but we talked about this. We knew there was a possibility he was..."
"I'm sorry, Elowen," he said, "Your father died almost 15 years ago. He was stabbed and bled out in the New York Public Library 5 days before Christmas."
"No..." I hugged Mei and let it all out, "No! I needed him! No! He can't be-"
I cut myself off as I started to think about the library. The one I had spent all my free time in, the one I used as my escape. Had my father done the same? Did he read insatiably like I do? Had I shared a chair with him at some point?
"I don't have any of his things left. Eiji, your father's best friend, took them a long time ago. I can give you his email and phone number if you want to reach out to him. He can tell you a lot more about your father as an adult than I ever could. Ash left home when he was just 8. He came back once some months before he died but I didn't really talk to him. He left pretty quickly." my grandfather explained.
"Can you tell me where he is?" I asked.
"He and your uncle are buried at the cemetary nearby in our family plot. It was a six plot." he said, "But just my mother, Griffin, Ash, and Jenny are there. When I pass I'll be there too. If you decide you want to be there, you are welcome to the spot. I think Eiji wanted to be there, but you are blood."
"I barely know any of my family. If Mr. Eiji wants to be with my dad he's welcome to the spot." I wiped some tears, "Besides, I think it's much too early for me to be thinking about where I want to be buried."
"Do you want to go and see him?" he asked.
"Not today." I bit my lip, to keep myself from crying out in wails and sobs, "I got my mother's diary from my grandmother before I left New York. I want to read that. I think it will give me a good idea of what my dad was like. I want to talk to him tomorrow though."
"Okay," my grandfather smiled, "You can take the guest room up stairs on the left. You're both welcome to stay here as long as you like. No one has used that room in a long time. Let me know if you need anything."
"Thank you." I headed up the stairs with Mei in town and pushed her into the room closing the door behind her. I sat on the floor in the hall and listened for a moment. I heard him crying. It was muffled but I could definitely hear it.
I crept back downstairs to get my forgotten backpack from the front hall. I stopped in front of him and held my grandfather tightly. I had only just met him, but somehow it was completely natural to hug him with the worst feeling of all being letting go when the hugs were over.
I ran back up stairs and closed myself in the bathroom. I turned the sink faucet on and laid down in the tub and then I let it all out. I cried for my dad who I would never get to know. For my mother who was never there either. I cried for my poor grandfather who thought he would die alone after the loss of his children, but most of all I cried for myself and all the heartbreak I was feeling at the prospect of never truly knowing who I am and who I come from.
