AN: Hello lovely readers! Thank you everyone for the feedback! I am thinking this story will be only about 12 chapters long, so we are almost halfway there!
I want to send a special shoutout to those who took the time to review, including jennaluv021, Wolfgirl904, zukie400, Dr1zzy, and megan39! Your feedback has meant the world to me.
I know I said that this would be a coming of age story that would feature more than just Jacob and Bella, and then went on to provide 5 chapters of mainly just Jacob and Bella. This chapter will be a turning point in Bella's life, and I'm really excited about it. I've also got some negative feedback about the Cullen's being included. They won't be main plots in the story, but in order to move on, it really feels like Bella need closure. I know that not everyone gets closure, but I really want it to her.
I'd really love to hear feedback on my version of Bella. I kept everything cannon, but gave Bella a little more personality and a little bit more substance. This was how I interrupted her trauma and her devotion to Edward. I was never super into the irrevocable love, and really felt that Edward saving her over and over again played a huge part in their romance. So let me know what you think!
My goal is to update once a week. I make no promises, but I am (finally) only working one job, about 40 hours a week, so I have more free time.
Jacob woke up after two hours of sleep. I was still nestled into his body. It had been a long two hours; I thought everything out. I realized that no matter what, I'd regret not giving Jacob a chance.
I was sweaty and so was he, but when Jake woke up, pulling away from me so he could turn me to face him, he had the biggest grin on his face. I grinned back at him, easily pulled into his sunny disposition. It was that smile that truly solidified my choice. His smile could change my mood.
"What are you smiling at?" I asked with a grin of my own. I was going to tell him, and I knew there'd be more smiling when I did, but he was so happy now, and I was curious.
"I just woke up to you." He said softly. "It's my favorite way to wake up."
My heart skipped a beat. It was cliched and overdone, but also so simply perfect and accurate. I could tell by his smile that he meant it, too. Our grins matched the others. In this moment, I felt comfortable, whole.
"So..." I began, my grin giving away to nerves. "I've been thinking."
"Bella!" He looked at me, all frowns and scrunched eyebrows. "I'm sorry if I pushed you too hard. I'm sorry, but please don't-"
"Jake! Relax!" I stopped him. "I was going to suggest that we go out on a date."
"A date?" He asked dumbfounded.
"Yes. You mentioned it before, and I think its a good idea." I said softly, gauging his reaction.
"I think that's an excellent idea." He beamed at me. "When would you like to go?"
I shrugged. Today was Sunday, we'd have to go back to school tomorrow. My dad had also set up a therapy appointment on Wednesday. Despite his insistence, I wasn't exactly thrilled about going. He still maintained that it would be easy to skirt around the truth. I wasn't sure I was that great of a liar.
"Maybe Friday? If you don't have to patrol." I asked.
"Hmm... I patrol Friday and Saturday night. Would a Saturday afternoon date be too lame?" Jacob mused.
"I don't think so." I smiled.
"Excellent. Did you have anything specific in mind or can I plan everything?" He asked. His grin was so wide. It was particularly infectious.
"Did you have something in mind?" I asked, genuinely curious.
"I have several ideas." He frowned. "Though several of them have to be eliminated in light of the redheaded threat. I would have ideally liked to take you to Port Angeles, but I can't risk that. Hmm.." He trained off.
"Several ideas? Like what?" I asked.
"I think I'll keep them to myself for now. Can't give away all of the mystery."
I groaned. "Jake, I hate surprises!"
"I think you'll like this surprise." He replied, with a smile.
"Jakeee!" I whined, batting my eyelashes at him. I looked up at him and smiled sweetly.
He gulped. "That's not fair."
"What's not?" I asked, leaning in to wrap my arms his neck, casually pressing my body against him.
I'm not sure what made me so confident, but Jake's responses egged me on. He leaned into me to, wrapping his arms around my waist, and rubbing his thumbs against my hip where they rested. He had a dazed expression on his face. It made me feel powerful and in control. He made me feel... wanted. It was such an odd feeling, I almost didn't recognize it.
"I think I'd give you anything right now." He stared up at me, and I absolutely loved the effect I had on him.
He'd do anything for me, I realized. I already knew this, but in the moment, laid out in front of me as we were wrapped up in each other in my bed, I understood the magnitude of it all. I breathed deeply to control myself because the only thing I wanted to do was to have his lips against mine.
"Jake?" I asked.
"Mmm?" He said, as he reached up to trace his finger down my neck, eliciting a shiver and an involuntary push of my body into his.
"Why do you make me loose my head? I know it's wrong, but all I want is you right now."
He frowned at me, pulling away. "Why is it wrong?" He sounded hurt.
"Not wrong. Jake, that didn't come out right." I paused, sitting up.
He sat up too. His face now a mask. He was tense, bracing myself.
"Please let me say this." I began, hoping I could articulate myself clearly. "There is obviously something between us. Something that I really think can be something special. But I'm still not fully over... him. And I don't want you to be a rebound because you're so much more than that. We're so much more than that. I'm just afraid that if I give into all of the... physical stuff, it'll make the emotional stuff less... somehow."
"Bells!" He looked at me, his eyes searching. "He really did a number on you, didn't he?"
"Jake..." I trailed off.
"Hear me out. Please?" I nodded. "I love you."
He paused and I gasped, unsure of how to respond.
"I'm not asking for you say anything back. I just think you need to know. I am in love with you, Bella Swan. There is nothing more I want than to be with you."
I stared at him. I felt warmth in my stomach: he was quite possibly the most attractive man I'd ever met in my life. And he wanted me. Only me. That satisfied me in a way that was oddly jarring. My body was screaming for me to kiss him.
"But I know you're still healing. I knew when you came to me with the motorcycles. I knew you were hurting. It's probably the most selfish thing I've ever done, but I wanted desperately to be the thing you clung onto. I'll do anything, Bells, be anything. All I want is you."
I took a shaky breath. "I know this, honey." He grinned at me. I knew the use of "honey" meant the world to him. It was the pet name he used for me and only me.
"I know you do. But I think it's safe to say, that you couldn't pursue a physical relationship with him."
My eyes widened. Shock registered through my features. Shock and fear.
"It's okay, honey. I'm not asking for details, and I really don't need or want to know. But he'd crush you or break bones or... it doesn't matter. I don't really like thinking about it. So I'm guessing, and dear God correct me if I'm wrong, but there was a point where you may have wanted more than he could give. I don't want you to think wanting a physical aspect to our relationship - or any relationship - means that your doing or wanting something wrong."
This was so like Jake. He was so completely attuned to me. He clearly articulated something I was only grasping at. I didn't really realize my issues until he voiced them, but as I reflected, I realized he was at least mostly correct.
"It's not just that. Though you're not wrong. It's freaky how well you know me. Jake, I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to do anything I'm not ready for and change my mind or... I just don't want to ruin what we have or complicate it. I depend on you. I need you."
"I need you too, honey. Don't worry about me. Please don't stop yourself from jumping me for my benefit." He waggled his eyebrows.
"Jake!" I scolded.
"It's not wrong to want to be with me. In any capacity. If anything happens between us, it's certainly not wrong."
"But-" I began.
"No. Stop overthinking. You want to kiss me, go on dates with me, and spend your free time with me. What does that sound like?"
"It sounds like you're my boyfriend." I said, knowing what he was getting at.
"I'd very much like to be your boyfriend." Jake said, kissing my check. "I love all of you. Every part."
I couldn't help it. I kissed him. It wasn't a sweet kiss, either. I grabbed him and pulled him to me, wrapping my hands and legs around him. I forced my tongue into his mouth and rubbed my hands up his arms and down his chest.
All caution went into the wind because everything he said made sense. And I really wanted to - how'd he put it - jump him. Everything stilled beside us. The world went hazy.
I couldn't tell you if he fumbled taking off my shirt, though I knew it had been flung to the opposite side of the room. I couldn't tell you how we ended up on the floor, though my guess was that Jacob's sheer size didn't fit in my bed. I couldn't tell you how all of the contents of my bedside table - my lamp, a few books, a glass of water - had ended up on the floor, soaking wet and covered in shattered glass from both the lamp and water glass.
But I could tell you everything I felt as he ran his hands up my stomach and back. How he hesitated before cupping my breasts over my bra. I could tell you how I ran my hands on the waistband of Jake's sweatpants, and how he moaned at the contact. I could remember how his lips felt against my neck. I knew every aspect of Jacob's scent and the feel of his muscles. Every sigh, every touch, every ounce of the intoxicating sensations.
Everything felt surreal, like it was someone else. Yet everything felt so amazingly right, I wanted to bask in it forever.
My bra came off with several frustrated jerks and the sound of ripping fabric. I should have been annoyed, but I couldn't make myself care in the moment. Jacob's hands grew bolder, as he cupped my naked breasts. I couldn't control the noises I made as he pinched and rolled my nipples. My hips bucked into him without my consent, and suddenly I found myself being flipped through the air.
Jacob was now sitting, his back against my bed. I was straddling him. His hands were still on my breasts. He was looking down at me though, a look I couldn't read on his face.
"Does this feel wrong, Bells?" His voice was rough, and he was panting from our activities.
He pinched my nipple again, causing me to moan and buck my hips against him once more. I knew he did it prove a point, but God did it feel so good. I could feel his arousal. It was an intoxicatingly powerful feeling.
"No." I whispered. Meeting his eyes with my hazy, half lidded eyes. I wanted more. I wanted to feel more and his was fully aware of it.
He pinched again and I writhed against him again. I was at his mercy, and we were both aware of the fact. I rubbed against him again and again. He lifted his hips up to rub against me as well, creating a friction that was indescribably good.
"How does it feel, Bella?" He asked in that same, sultry voice.
"It feels good..." Our hips met again. "God, so good." I moaned. I tried to mimic his sultry tone, but I was too far gone in our movements, in the feeling of our bodies coming together.
"It feels right, Bells." He hissed as I leaned in to kiss his neck, desperately trying to make him feel as lost in our movements as I was.
My hands, which had been desperately grasping at his hair, chest, and arms, now began to wander. Our hips were still meeting at the same frantic pace. In my hazy daze, I wished we had taken the time to remove our pants as well, though the rational part of my brain told me that would have been way too much, way too fast.
"Yes, it does." I agreed, my voice breathy.
"So right." He muttered with a thrust of his hips. His eyes were also dazed. His movements became frenzied, less coordinated. His hands gripped my hips more forcefully, as he lifted my hips up and down to meet his new, desperate pace.
"Bella," he murmured. "My Bells. So beautiful. So sexy."
His hips bucked against mine, one, two, three more times. Then he stilled, panting but looking completely blissful.
He rolled us over, so I was spooned against his side. He breathed deeply into my neck. "Did you..."
"Did I what?" I asked, slightly baffled.
He looked at me, embarrassed. "Did you...finish?"
"Oh." Comprehension dawned on me. "No, but that's okay. I still really enjoyed-" I was cut short by Jacob's fingers working on the button of my jeans.
I gasped for a second. "Just relax." Jacob breathed in my ear. His other hand hand found its way to breast, pinching my nipple in the way that made my body tremble. "I just want to make you feel good."
I let him undo my jeans and unzip them. His hand slipped inside, rubbing me through my underwear. I gasped and felt my hips buck automatically.
"Can I?" Jake asked, as his fingers teased the edges of my panties.
"Yes." I whispered. My voice was hoarse with need.
His finger slipped inside and he caressed me gently. There was a pause. "I'm not sure... Bella, can you show me..."
And then my hand had joined his. I guided his hand to my throbbing clit. Our fingers rubbed simultaneously before my hand slipped away, lost in the ecstasy.
"Oh Jake!" I cried, embarrassingly loud. He rubbed a little harder and my body exploded in his hands. My body trembled and my muscles clenched, but it was incredible.
His movements stilled and his hand slipped out of my panties and jeans. "How was that?"
"It was perfect." I breathed.
"Good." He replied, sounding smug again.
We laid there for a few minutes before falling into sleep. It was the most peaceful, nightmare-less sleep I had in months.
"Tell me about Edward." Dr. Chiraz commanded.
She was a small woman, with blonde hair perfectly swept up into the neatest, tidiest bun I had ever seen. Her face was all sharp lines and cheekbones, which, combined with her tight bun, made her look rather severe. She was certainly striking, but not exactly comforting. She was nothing like I expected a therapist to look like.
"Edward was my everything. I know how that sounds, truly I hear it, but we fell in love the way it happens it books. It was passionate and all consuming. Before I knew it had started I was already too far gone. He took my entire heart - or rather, I gave it to him - before I even knew him at all. And once I knew him, he was that much more consuming. He loved classical music, he was unfailingly kind, and so incredibly breathtaking."
"So it was love at first sight?" Dr. Chiraz asked.
"Not exactly first sight, but we fell in love quickly." I replied.
"Tell me more about Edward. What did you do together? Where did you go on your first date?"
The hole in my chest ached, but I complied. "Our first date was in Port Angeles. We went to an Italian restaurant. I forget which one, but it had Bella in the title." I hesitated, which Dr. Chiraz definitely noticed.
"What?" She asked, pressing for more information.
"Well it may not be important. Edward just had a way of saving me. I was almost hit by a van in the school parking lot, and he pulled me out of the way. On our first date, a group of men cornered me and I'm sure they would have..." I trailed off, knowing I didn't need to voice the horrible what ifs out loud. "Edward saved me then, too."
"And when James began to stalk you, it was Edward and his family who protected you." She filled in. My father must have given her a brief synopsis of what had happened because she was clearly well informed.
"When did you know you were in love with Edward?"
"That night. After our date." I answered as honestly as I could. It was more than that, but I hadn't the faintest clue on how I could possible explain it to her. She scribbled something in her notebook.
"What did you and Edward like to do together?" She asked.
"I don't know. Normal stuff. We'd do homework together, we'd watch movies together, and cook together." This was technically true, but I couldn't quite explain everything right because Edward had been a 100 year old vampire, and when we hung out it was different then it sounded out loud. He'd watch me read or sleep. We'd watch old fashioned movies and he'd tell me trivia about what was really happening when the movie came out because he had experienced it.
"Anything noteworthy?" She asked, appropriately reading my expression.
"I'm having trouble putting it into words. He liked to watch me. No, that sounds creepy. I'd be reading and look up and find him staring at me. The look of adoration and love would knock the breath out of me. He'd climb into my window late at night and lay with me. He didn't sleep, but I did. I would wake up and see him looking at me with that same look and my heart would swell. I knew it didn't get better than it was, but I knew it would end. I knew the clock was ticking and sometimes it'd make me hold on so tight."
"There was a timeline on your relationship? Why do you say that?" Dr. Chiraz asked.
"Because he was so perfect and I'm just... me. It was only a matter of time before he decided he could do better."
She tutted. "Is that what happened?" She asked.
"Yes. He told me he didn't want to be with me anymore. That his family was leaving, and that he didn't want me anymore."
"Did anything happen to cause his sudden departure?"
"There was an... altercation with his brother." I said hesitantly.
"Elaborate." She prompted.
"I'm not sure how to explain exactly." I frowned, concentrating hard. "Jasper - Edward's brother - and I got into a fight. Jasper had really bad anger issues and lacked self control. When we fought, Edward intervened, sure that Jasper would hurt me. After that, it felt like the beginning of the end for our relationship. It felt like every kiss, every touch was goodbye."
"What was the fight about?" Dr. Chiraz asked.
"I don't even remember anymore. Something small." I hoped I sounded convincing. There was so much truth mixed in with the lies, it didn't necessarily feel like a lie, but I still worried.
"Hmmm." She wrote something else in her notebook. "How did it feel after he left?"
"I felt like I couldn't breath. It felt like a piece of me had been taken. I walked around, went to school, did my homework, cooked, cleaned, and did the laundry, but I wasn't there. I was in trance, just struggling to keep moving forward. It felt like he took my happiness, my hopes, my dreams. I had given him my whole heart, and then suddenly he was gone and he took it with him."
"And what made you come out of this trance?" She asked.
"Jacob. Jacob Black." I didn't elaborate because my heart was beating too quickly. I knew that when we got to this point, I'd never find the right words.
Dr. Chiraz sat in silence, giving me time to form the words.
"I knew Jake before Edward and I started dating. He was just one of those people I automatically liked, you know? He's a few years younger, but speaking to him was easy. Everything with Jake is easy. I think I felt a connection to him then, but I was so wrapped up in Edward and nothing else mattered. I brought him motorcycles to fix up and he didn't even bat an eye. He just went with it. Being around him was easy. He didn't treat me like I breakable; instead, he just treated me like I was Bella. He made me laugh. It had been so long since I laughed. It felt so good to just feel okay."
"Being in his presence was all that it took?" She asked.
"Well... no. I mean, I still hurt. The hole in my chest was still there. At first, Jacob was just a band-aid. I felt good when I was with him, but when we were apart, the hole would ache and start to crush me again."
"At first?"
"I don't know how it happened, exactly. Somewhere between working in the garage and cliff diving, the hole sort of shrunk. It can still hurt, you know, but not like it did before. Its still there, but I can forget about it for awhile. Its the memories that hurt the most, not living every day. I'm still broken, still not the person I was before, but most days I feel okay."
"Cliff diving?"
I sighed, and explained seeing Edward whenever I did something reckless. It was my dirty little secret: crazy Bella in full swing. Dr. Chiraz didn't bat an eye. I kind of loved her for it. Some of her initial severity had lost its edge. She didn't judge, just asked questions to fully understand the question.
"Do you want to know what I think, Bella?" She asked.
I swallowed and nodded. My heart beat with nerves. Even if I already knew it, nobody liked to be told they were completely nuts.
"I think you've been through a lot of trauma, especially surrounding Edward. Edward saved you time after time, and you developed an devotion to him because you were grateful. Oh yes, you loved him, and you had an amazing first love. It was everything you want your first love to be, passionate, sweet, and unpredictable. But you clung to Edward because you thought you need him to protect you, that you needed saving. With him gone, you couldn't breath or be yourself because all of those things gave way to your relationship with him."
She looked at me. "You're finding yourself again. You said your broken and you'll never be the Bella you once were, but Bella, that's the point. The things that happen to us change us. You'll never be seventeen and naïve again. You won't be the new girl in Forks or the girl who falls for the first boy who says pretty things to her. Its a part of growing up, and its not a bad thing. You're growing, becoming stronger. Its not a bad thing."
"What about Jake?" I asked. "Is it wrong?"
"Is what wrong?" She asked patiently, as I realized I really hadn't explained it all to her.
I sighed. "I knew when I took the bikes to Jake that he was interested in being more than friends with me. At first, it was so out of the question that it didn't matter. I think he knew that, too, but as I started to heal, things intensified. It started with us holding hands or him putting his arm around me. I liked it. It was safe and warm. There's no one I trust more than Jake. Then I let him kiss me. I really did it more so out of obligation to him, because I knew its what he wanted. He made me happy, so it was only fair, right? I didn't expect to like it. I didn't expect it to awake something inside me. Now, I can't keep my hands off of Jake. I tried to slow things down, and he said that he understood. But then he'd say something sweet and suddenly I was kissing him. Its intense and consuming and all I want is more."
She looked at me, gauging whether or not I was done speaking. I took that as my que to continue.
"I asked him if we could go on a date, which he agreed to, but then suddenly I'm jumping him and doing things I never thought I could." I blushed.
"Things meaning...?"
"Intense, definitely something you don't do with someone who isn't your boyfriend."
"And Jake's not your boyfriend?" She asked.
"No." I replied. "I've made it clear that I'm not ready, but I'm still unable to keep my hands off him."
"How does it feel, being with him in that way?" She asked.
"Absolutely wonderful." I replied. "Its intoxicating. My body knows what it wants, even if my head and heart aren't quite sure. He's strong and beautiful and everything make senses while we're wrapped up in each other."
"And afterwards, how do you feel?"
"Shame mostly. He's my best friend. I depend on him. I shouldn't be putting him in a situation where he can get hurt because I'm unsure."
"What does he think about all of this?"
"He's always so patient. He really wants to go on our date; he was so excited to plan it. He told me that there isn't anything wrong with wanting him physically and that everything would always be on my terms."
"It sounds like he knows exactly where you stand." She said. "He knows what he wants, and he's giving you room to decide if you want it to. I think it's a good idea for you to go on this date."
"You do?" I asked. "You don't think I am being unfair?"
"Not at all." Pause. "But you're life can't revolve around just Jacob Black. You need other friends, other hobbies."
She glanced at the clock. "We are running out of time, Bella. I want you to do three things for me before our next session. I want you to keep a journal of your moods. It doesn't have to time consuming. If you're happy, then I want you to write down why. If you feel the hole in chest hurt, I want you to write down what happened. Can you do that?"
I nodded.
"I also want you to spend time with someone who isn't Jake or your father. It doesn't have to be a big commitment, just and hour or two. Talk to the friends you've been ignoring. Spend time with other people. Give them a chance, Bella, they might surprise you. I also want you to think about things that you do, just for you. It could be reading, biking, writing, sports... anything, but I want you to find one activity that you enjoy doing just for yourself. Does that sound doable?"
"I think so." Though I really wasn't sure it was.
AN: Please review! Thanks for reading!