5. Crossroads
Later on, back at home, I feel restless, unable to settle down. I try to watch a baseball game with Emmett, but my mind keeps drifting, floating away, at the mercy of a stormy sea of contradictory thoughts. By the time I vacate the sofa and head outside, I couldn't even tell you who was playing.
I know I should leave, go as far as possible from Forks, find a way not to come back; my curiosity helped me control my thirst, so far, but it's also quite a distraction; I know the damage I could do, to the boy and to his father, if I were to become so engrossed in our talks that I'd forget to bind my predator instincts with the discipline I've painfully worked on for almost a century. And yet, the thought of just going away and never seeing him again is weirdly unpleasant, rather painful in fact. I suppose I craved some kind of novelty, or some new puzzle, more than I imagined.
I look at the distant forests and decide it's time to go for a run Alice, but Carlisle are waiting for me in front of the house, statues carved out of living night.
"Alice," I tell her, mock-angry, "I thought you couldn't see my future."
"That's true from tomorrow, but today I still know your moves, dear sister." Her eyes twinkle. "Besides, you were going to look for us later on; we just saved you the trouble. There is something we need to talk about."
"Okay," I grudgingly agree, secretly pleased they care about me enough to notice I'm having a hard time. "But I need a change of scenery."
"Let's go. I know just the place."
Carlisle runs off, Alice and I right behind him, into the forest and up slopes and over ridges, barely slowed down by the thickness of the vegetation. Creatures tiny and big make themselves scarce and only re-emerge in our wake. Fear drives them away; they know what we are. We flit through the silent woods like ghosts that repel living creatures.
Eventually, we perch at the top of rocky bluffs overlooking a shrubbery-choked ravine. We have excellent night vision, and the world, bathed in crumbs of moonlight filtering through the thick cloud cover, is perfectly clear. We drink in its beauty for a few moments, while my senses collect data from the myriad organisms populating the forests, a safe distance from our cold hearts. The snowflakes spiraling down to earth are as bright as candle lights. I can hear them swirl through the humid air and eventually land.
It's Alice who brings the silence to an end.
"Lynn, I think I know why your future is hidden from me."
Carlisle doesn't know what she's driving at, and I decide to stay out of her mind and let her do the talking.
"I think tomorrow will be a kind of crossroads in your life. You will have to make a decision, a very important, maybe even vital, one. It has to be something you are not aware of yourself, yet. Something you can't grasp. Hence, the darkness… Without any inkling of your intent, unknown to you too, I have no way to divine your actions. I know it sounds strange but…." She looks at me quizzically, maybe wishing she could read my mind. Her visions of my future, even when accessed directly, are nothing but smoke.
Carlisle nods gravely.
"You think I might kill him, don't you?" He knows I want to hear the truth.
"Lynn, your self-control has always been a source of pride for me, and normally I wouldn't doubt your will strength. However, this is a unique situation. Very few vampires can resist the lure of a singer. I have never had to, so I can only imagine what you are going through, but I know that the ones who have managed to let the tempting human live are rare indeed."
He smiles, trying to bring some levity to the conversation,
"But Alice," I try to change the subject, unwilling to consider another departure; some part of me just shies away from that thought, as if it was too ghastly to even contemplate. "What do you think? Is this turning point about killing the boy?"
She shrugs.
"Lynn, I know you. I don't think you will kill him. In fact, I'm pretty sure you won't. Nevertheless, I think he must be involved with this choice you haven't been asked to make yet; he seems to have exerted a great deal of influence on your life, one way or another, since you ran across him at school. This can't all just be a coincidence, can it?"
I bite my lip. I seem to do that a lot these days. When did I even get this habit? It reminds me of something…
"Also," Alice adds, unusually timid, "I think this is big, Lynn. It will be a major choice, something that will affect you for a long time, and you know what that means for us…"
"Huh? Alice, what makes you think that?" I scowl; this is all so unexpected. I don't know what is happening any more… Just when you think you have everything figured out, life comes along and throws a fateful monkey wrench into your carefully crafted plans.
"Think about it, Lynn… We've always been close. I usually see your future better than I can see my own. And, suddenly, that's all gone. I'm telling you, this crossroads will determine the rest of your life or at least the set of paths available to you once you get through it. There is no other explanation."
Carlisle voices the opinion I'd already seen in his thoughts.
"Lynn, if you leave now you probably won't have to face this crucible. Like we already discussed, the boy will be gone forever in less than two years. That's not a long time for the likes of us, no matter how much we would miss you. I'm worried about chief Swan, that's true, but I'm also worried about you. You are not like Emmett; if you were to fail, you would never forgive yourself."
When he says the boy will be gone forever, a sharp pain blossoms under my sternum and then it's gone. It all makes me feel a little emptier.
"I know, father. Everything you say makes perfect sense…."
"And yet, you'd rather stay, wouldn't you?" He peers at me, trying to bare my soul with his scrutiny.
I don't know what I'm thinking, but I imagine going away and it bothers me; it's probably because it just seems like cowardice. It's not how I've lived my life so far. Besides, I can't be sure I wouldn't just come back, driven by the memory of his smell, or my curiosity.
I just shake my head….
"I fail to see why…."
"I hate running away, father. I want to stay with my family."
"There is something else, isn't there?" He notices everything, but what can I say to him? I don't really understand my motivations anymore. I can't tell him I've become obsessed with understanding that boy. It doesn't make sense even to me,
"Yes, but it's hard to put it into words."
He stares at me, solemn.
Then he hugs me.
"Very well." He says, stepping aside and holding my shoulders at arms' length, looking down into my eyes. "I trust you will succeed, Lynn, but don't underestimate the difficulty of what you're proposing to do."
"I won't father, I swear."
Alice throws an impish smile at me.
"Now that we've taken care of serious matters, dear sister, can I finally try to convince you to wear a skirt once in a while? It wouldn't kill you, you know?" She sings, a comically hopeful expression on her face.
I groan loudly and Carlisle bends over, laughing like there is no tomorrow. Alice smirks at me and shakes her head. Some things, like us, rarely change.
The next morning, I drive us all to school once again. As ever, I'm the only single person in the car. Being their chauffeur gives me something to do other than stare at their effusive relationships. Maybe once in a while I should just run to school and let them take care of themselves.
When we park I linger near the car, unbothered by the lower than usual temperatures and the layer of ice and snow that has coated every visible surface. Humans are driving and walking slowly, unaccustomed to the conditions. I remember Carlisle's advice, and despite the disturbing thoughts agitating my mind I have to admit that, as always, he is right. I should have listened to him. I cannot be sure I won't do something awful to the boy. But it's not too late. I can leave tonight. I can handle one last day; I'm sure of that. Alice looks unconcerned. The shadows blocking her view haven't lifted. If she knew I plan to leave again she would have said something.
A loud, asthmatic rumble signals the boy's arrival; his engine's hard to miss. If he happens to come this way, I might be able to talk to him a little, maybe ask him about his favorite novels, adding one last entry to my file. My siblings are chatting about baseball.
The boy steps out, but instead of heading toward me he carefully treads over icy terrain to go stand near the back of his truck. He looks at the wheel's hard rubber, his expression softening, relaxing. What is all that about? I frown, frustrated, once again wishing I could read his thoughts.
A sudden screech puts my vampire instincts on high alert; as time and the world around me slow down, I sweep the parking lot in search of a threat. The source of the disturbance reveals itself right away; a van's wheels have skidded on a patch of ice and now it's careening, out of control, toward the boy, who's now turning, about to stare at his own death.
Two words fill my mind.
"Not him!"
I never actually say them. I just run, really run, to him, almost invisible, a stitching blur like a gust of wind and dead leaves in the fall. I wish I had the time to gently move him out of the way, but time is a luxury neither of us can afford just now; I wrap one arm around his upper body and yank him away from the van's path, falling down and pulling him down with me. I do my best to cushion his fall, but I hear him bump his ahead against the concrete.
But it's not over, damn; the van's frame is twisting, swerving, curling toward us like the stinging tail of a scorpion. I rise to a crouch, pinion one hand against his vehicle and swat death's emissary away with the other.
The engine sputters and whimpers into stillness and silence. The two rides have us trapped in between them. Yells and gasps erupt from the kids gathered in the lot. I think I already hear the sound of an ambulance. None of that matters; I'm only worried about his health….
A quick look reassures me; the boy looks fine and so much relief floods me I almost teeter, but he seems about to get up and I pin him down, gently, to prevent it. If he hit his head, he shouldn't move much. Now I'm anxious to get him to a hospital, I want him in Carlisle's care and of course x-ray machines are useful too; I truly hope I haven't hurt him, but I remind myself that I did save him from certain death at least. It seems to help me calm down.
"You'd better stay down. You might have hit your head when I pulled you back. They'll get us out of here soon."
"How did you do that?" He asks me, and my heart falls into a bottomless well as I realize what I just did. My entire family's future might be in jeopardy because of my actions. What was I thinking? And yet, I don't regret saving him. In fact, this is one act that makes me grateful for my strength and speed. But I'm angry with myself now; he saw too much.
"Do what?" I reply, worried, afraid.
"You were nowhere near me, and then suddenly you were. And you stopped the van with your hand. That's incredible. You saved me…. But how?"
His words make me flinch. He's seen everything. What have I done? We might have to leave town. Rosalie will be so mad. I have to play my part well; I don't think it will be enough but there is nothing else I can do.
"You got a knock on your head. You're confused. I was standing right beside you and what you said is impossible." Looking away now would give my lie away, so I just stare at him and silently dare him to disagree.
His eyes quiver, defiant. He's not buying it. Now I'm even angrier at myself for having blatantly lied to him. I wish he could trust me, or that I could deserve his trust… I can't fathom why but that is what I really want. And yet….
"No way. I'm not confused at all. You were next to your car, all the way across the lot. And I saw what you did."
"Please." I hiss, my mind in turmoil, unsure of what to do, of how to convince him not to reveal how different we are from them. "Don't tell anybody."
"But…"
"Please, Brandon." I plead with him, out of other options now that my acting has failed. I also can't understand why I even did this… We've helped mortals before, but never in such public situations. We have many reasons to be secretive. I have to convince him. That's the best I can do to protect the people I love, given the situation.
"I'm begging you…"
"Okay, but you will explain it to me later?" We don't have much time left; soon they will get us out of here.
"Whatever." I blurt out, upset and ashamed for lying to him again. "Just please don't tell them."
"I won't. Thank you. You saved my life."
I know the EMTs from my visits with Carlisle at the hospital; it's easy to convince them that I'm unhurt but I mention Brandon might have a concussion.
They strap him to a gurney in front of the whole school and he stubbornly waves to the crowd and shouts he's fine until his voice is hoarse. He doesn't like to be taken care of; he'd rather be independent, even though he's so fragile…
They load him in the back of the ambulance but I get to sit next to the driver. Being related to the best surgeon in town does have its perks.
At the hospital, while Brandon is being examined, I head upstairs. A scan of the hospital tells me Carlisle is near one of the operating rooms. He just completed a surgery and he's heading back to his office. I walk upstairs and meet him there.
When he sees me, he frowns in surprise. His concern deepens when he notices I'm upset.
"Carlisle, something happened."
"You haven't…? No, I can see it from your eyes. I'm sorry for doubting you." His shoulders relax as tension ebbs away.
"It's okay, father. But I'm worried I might have hurt him. It's just that there was so little time and that damn van wouldn't stop coming at us. I…"
"Hold on, Lynn, slow down. I don't understand what you're saying. What van? How are you involved in all this? Please start from the beginning." He shoves aside a pile of papers and looks at me, unsure.
I explain the parking lot was icy and a van was about to crush Brandon when I ran to him and managed to keep him alive. I add I really ran, like only vampires can, and I did it front of many potential witnesses.
"Father, I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking."
"Did anybody see you…? Did anybody really understand what you did?" He doesn't need to add he's asking me about humans; my siblings definitely saw it all.
"No, I was too quick. I still haven't scanned everybody's mind but so far it looks like we are in the clear. But the boy saw everything. He knows I'm different. He doesn't know how or why, of course, but he knows I'm a freak…"
That thought also pains me, but why should I even care about what he thinks of me?
"Don't worry, Lynn. If we have to leave, we will. You did the right thing. Saving a life is always worth it, no matter the price. On the other hand, that might not be necessary. Let's go see how Brandon is doing, shall we?"
He knows I'm still concerned. I smile; I was hoping he would check the boy's condition himself; he has a lot more experience than any human doctor. Hundreds of years of experience, in fact.
We can hear Tyler and Brandon talk as we walk toward their room, another perk of our special senses.
When we hear Brandon just briefly mention I yanked him out of the way instead of regaling the other kid with a fantastic story of an impossible rescue, Carlisle looks at me and then goes back to perusing the boy's x-rays we picked up on the way.
"I asked him not to tell anybody what he saw." I squeak, busy reading Tyler's mind.
"I'm so sorry I almost hit this guy. He's a good teammate. Hey, I know my sister likes him. Maybe I could tell him, help them connect…"
I feel suddenly angry and my fists clench. My steps speed up and Carlisle has to grab my arm, and hold it tight, to remind me we could have witnesses here. I manage to cool down but this is also weird; why did I feel angry toward this Tyler kid all of a sudden? What was I even intending to do?
"Lynn." We are just about to enter the room when I hear Brandon actually speak my name for the first time. I like it. It makes me feel…warm. I wish he would utter it while talking to me.
"Who?" What's he talking about? Somebody else was there?
"Lynn Cullen."
"Oh, right. Sorry. I didn't see her at all. I guess it was all so fast." Whatever. Obviously I was mistaken.
Fortunately, Tyler doesn't have a clue.
"It could have been a lot worse, young man." His father rumbles in response. "We will have a chat later, Tyler."
"Yes, sir, I'm very sorry."
"So, she saved your life son?"
"Yes," Carlisle and I walk into the room.
Chief Swan introduces my father as Doctor Cullen. I pay little attention to him. I'm still busy checking the minds of possible witnesses; nobody noticed anything out of the ordinary.
"Brandon, you were saying…?" Oh, yes, he asked him about the accident. This could be the moment Carlisle and I must discredit the boy's version of events. The thought of doing that is a dull soreness lodging itself in my chest. My muscles are stiff; I wait with tense anticipation.
"Yes, well, like I was about to say, after I parked, Lynn came over to ask me something about our French class. I was looking at the chains you installed. And then I heard a loud noise and looked up. The van was about to hit me, but she pulled me out of the way. She has quick reflexes."
"Lynn? Your daughter, Dr. Cullen?"
"Yes, Charlie. And here she is. And yes, she is very quick, fortunately."
"No doubt, doctor. Lynn, I don't know how to thank you. You saved my boy."
"I'm glad I could help," I reply simply.
"You were very lucky, young man." Doctor Cullen tells Brandon, moving closer to him and shining a light in his eyes. I sense the presence of many classmates nearby and I search their mind for any signs they might not be as clueless as we hope.
"The x-rays look good. How do you feel?"
"I have a bit of a headache but otherwise I feel totally fine. Can I go back to school now?" Everybody else in the room has a bit of a chuckle. I laugh harder than anybody, almost giddy with relief; he'll be absolutely fine. "Glad you find me entertaining, but I wasn't joking."
"You better take it easy today, Brandon." Carlisle lightly touches parts of Brandon's head while he says that. I suddenly feel a little jealous; his self-control is such that he has long been able to interact with people in this way, as if he was just another human. He can touch them so easily, almost carelessly. I always wanted to be like him so badly, and yet, now, I feel even more jealous, desperately so.… "You seem to be fine, but just go home for today and rest."
"Is Lynn going back to school?"
"Yes, she's cleared. Somebody will have to tell the few students that didn't show up in the waiting room about your survival."
He groans and we all have another heartfelt laugh.
"Okay, well, anyways, thank you doctor. Can I go home now then?"
"Of course. Charlie, I'll need you for some paperwork. You don't mind waiting here Brandon?"
"That's fine." His eyes seem to indicate he's up to something, but I'm not sure what.
"Lynn, could I talk to you in private?"
Oh, right…. He wants to see if I'll keep my word.
It's time to play a part, but some of the irritation I display is real; I'm being forced to play a role that disgusts me. I stride away, let him hobble after me. It doesn't give me any pleasure but I know how my family must feel. I might have endangered us all, today.
"What do you want?" I ask when he finally reaches me, making my voice gruff and unyielding.
"I wanted to thank you again. If it wasn't for you….."
"You're welcome." I say, feeling sorry already.
"I bet you won't tell me how you did it?"
I just smile, sternly.
"Not a chance. And if you blab, well, nobody will believe you."
I should force myself to make him doubt his own memory, but I can tell it would be a waste of time. I just try to keep things simple.
"I'm not telling anybody. After your rescue, that's the least I can do." He smiles, timidly, a little crookedly, and another imaginary barbed fang pierces my chest. "But I'd really like to know. I swear it will be between us. You can tell me."
He's asking me to trust him, like I want him to trust me. Unlikely as it is, part of me wants to tell him the truth, to keep my word. The weirdness never ends these days. But it doesn't matter. I can't. It's just not an option. I have to think of my family. Once again I curse how different I am from the humans I usually ignore.
"Forget it, if you know what's good for you."
I debate with myself how best to part from him. He seems a little dazed; he's just staring at me. I go for a swim in the green waters of his iris and try to commit his features to memory one more time, until I can finally wrench my eyes away from his and stalk out of the room. I have to force myself not to look back; it's one of the hardest things I've ever done.