She looked at herself in the mirror for the hundredth time. "You look pretty." Makayla was laying on her stomach on the bed watching Kim. "It's pretty."

"Thank you Sweetie. Do you think Adam will like it?" She smoothed it down over her hips.

"I like it." She was wearing a blue green dress with a loose fitting off the shoulder top and a short tight fitting skirt that finished mid-thigh. Her hair was down and she had spent hours perfecting the waves. She had taken her time with her make-up and then remembered that Adam didn't like her with too much make-up, he loved her looking natural and relaxed so she dialled it back. He did love her in heels though so she put aside her usual boots and flats and pulled the strappy heels from the back of her cupboard.

Adam thought about downing a shot of whiskey before he left the apartment but decided it was a bad idea, he wanted clarity. He shouldn't be this nervous. He grabbed his suit jacket and slipped it on and checked himself in the mirror before he left. Deciding to take an Uber instead of driving he waited on the pavement and paced up and down until it arrived. This felt like make or break and that made him feel uneven.

Despite every chaotic thought one thing he couldn't deny, she was beautiful, he thought she was way out of his league and as he walked towards her he felt some long forgotten feelings. That first moment she walked into Molly's, dressed up and not even there to see them but he had been thrown off balance by her that night and tonight felt the same.

Kim stood up to greet him and it was awkward until he leant in and kissed her on the cheek. "You look beautiful as usual."

"So do you." Kim gushed and at least Adam laughed and suggested they get a drink. When Trudy told her she had booked them into Maple and Ash she almost died on the spot. It wasn't exactly in her budget but Trudy assured her that this is what was needed and she had organised something. She had even organised the menu. They were having the 'I don't give a fuck' tasting menu.

"This is pretty fancy Kim." Adam looked at the drinks menu but he still insisted on paying for drinks despite the cost. This was a place he'd dreamed of eating at but could never come at handing over the cash. "What do you feel like? A Cocktail?"

"I have a confession. Trudy booked it." She looked a little sheepish. "Sorry."

"Of course she did. Is she paying?" Kim shook her head, she had insisted that she had asked Adam out and she had to pay. Trudy agreed but organised a vastly discounted price. Kim had no idea what Trudy had done or what favors she had pulled in and was told not to ask but to just enjoy and obviously report back in 'full glossy color first thing in the morning'. Once she had kicked him out of bed obviously. She wasn't cashing in her chits if nobody was getting lucky. "So, Margarita for you?"

"Absolutely." It was her favorite cocktail. A little sweet and a little salty. He ordered himself a whiskey sour. "Makayla said to say hello. She's looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. She was reading about sharks today." They were taking her to the Shedd Aquarium tomorrow. They were learning about marine animals at school at the moment and thought it was a good time to take her, apparently she'd never been before.

"I do love a good shark story."

"I know you love shark week. It's gross."

It was nice just to have a few moments to relax, enjoy the drink and talk about work while they were still sitting at the bar waiting for their table but the comfortable avoidance couldn't last.

Adam ordered a bottle of wine while they waited for their first course to arrive. They had no idea what it was going to be which felt appropriate for the place they were in at the moment, personally not physically. Neither had any idea about what they were going to eat or where they'd be at the end of it all, they had hopes but they also had fears.

"I'm sorry Adam." Kim started nervously. She knew this was all on her and she had to stop trying to avoid the hard conversation they needed to have.

"Okay." He sat back a little and waited.

"That's it, I am sorry, I am not going to try and defend what I said, it was wrong, I was wrong and I was awful and I am so disappointed and angry with myself because you didn't deserve that."

"Okay." Still he waited. That was fine, she was sorry, it was a start and he did appreciate that she didn't try and defend herself again. "I appreciate your apology."

Appreciate, what the hell did that mean?

Kim reached for her glass of wine and sipped it slowly. "I spent a lot of time trying to figure out why, why I push people away, why I push you away. It's a pattern that I never saw. My mother, her relationship with my Dad was complicated and messy, he'd go away for months then come back and she'd welcome him with open arms even thought she was hurt every time he left and said never again. Then he'd be back again and the same thing. I see that in myself and I learned it from an early age and I need to unlearn it. If I push you away, I get to do the hurting rather than get hurt."

"You succeeded." It was a little blunt but not necessarily unwarranted.

"I remember my first boyfriend."

"Charlie?"

He had remembered from when they first got together and talked about their 'first times'. Kim wasn't surprised that he could recall that conversation. "Yeah, he kinda cut and run."

"You didn't tell me that?"

"I didn't want to freak you out, I didn't want you to think I was some freak show that couldn't keep a boyfriend. You were the first real solid boyfriend I had, I flaked in and out of my other relationships. Charlie… I never saw him after about a week or so once we'd kinda done it."

"I didn't cut and run on you."

"I know but I guess I thought you might, so I did the cutting and running. I sabotage every relationship I have. Like Matt, killed that by…well, you know how that went. Blair, I was going to cut that and then he was murdered. And you, I'm still doing it."

Adam reached her hand which was shaking and covered it with his. "It hurt because I felt like you were the only one to see me, see beneath the layers. Nobody ever has, it's just face value, nobody tried to understand me. I had Voight put it on me about Tommy and question me about what happened, I had Atwater question whether I had what was in Whelan in me, I had Hailey block and check me and undermine me at every turn, chip away at my confidence and then my Dad betrayed me in the most unbelievable way. He sold me out, he put a target on my back, put a target on your back and everyone in my team and then all you had to say was 'Are you okay?' or 'What happened?' and you didn't and it felt like I was ten years old again."

"What happened when you were ten?"

"Mom and Dad split up. Dad was supposed to pick me up after practice but he forgot, he was at the movies with Kate and Mom had gone away with her new boyfriend, I was locked out of the house, it was pissing down with rain and I sat huddled on the back porch all night. Kate slept over at Dad's, I was left at home. He said that my Mom told him I was staying at a friend's place but he lied, he just forgot. From them on I was always just a little be alone."

"I'm sorry Adam." Kim's eyes glistened. "I honestly don't know what else I can say. I'm sorry. I miss you, I miss you in my life, I miss the calmness you bring and the fun and the comfort. I miss just being around you."

"If only it was that easy."

"I want to unlearn my bad habits. I should've by now but I guess I never really saw them as problems. It was always, oh I am protecting myself, but from what? My fears that everyone was just like my father. When you shut that door in my face I was angry and hurt but then I thought back to all the times I'd done that to you."

Adam held up his hand to stop her. "It has been pointed out to me that I lack communication skills. I am happy to say nothing when things are going the way I want and then I have too much pride to stand up and call bullshit when it's not."

"Well there is that.." Kim agreed.

"In that moment, you know I did think that maybe that could be me, that I could do that and it scared the crap out of me." Adam admitted honestly. "But it was the briefest of thoughts and I know you've had them as well, even recently." He alluded to her reaction to the guy she tackled who had killed half his family. He hadn't survived and it was hard to feel sorry for him but it still hit her hard that she'd been the one to inflict that injury on him as unintentional as it was. "All I needed was one person, the one person I loved more than I even love myself to prove to me that I wasn't like that and you couldn't. It made me feel like perhaps that's what every else sees in me and I don't think I am that person. I honestly don't but you made me doubt myself."

"I was scared for you."

"I know."

"I was scared for you because I know that's not you and I also know how much your Dad meant to you, that you became a cop because of him and how much it hurts to know that someone you look up to, that you've looked up to your whole life lets you down." Kim stroked his hand. "When Nicole was raped, and we got that guy. I wanted to kill him, I would've killed him if Al hadn't pulled me away."

"No you wouldn't have."

"You never doubt me."

"It's such a fine line, you can step up to the line but there is something in you and in me that always stops you taking that next step." Adam talked quietly. "I thought I could vent to you, to get it all out and you'd understand."

"I think I do. I know I do and I let fear take over. I do know your heart Adam, it's so much purer than anyone else I know, including mine. You trust and love with your whole heart, you don't hold back, you don't hide behind walls and push people away. I want you to teach me how to do all that."

He paused while the waiter refilled their wine glasses.

"I may not use the words you want." He decided to lay it all out. It was now or never. "I say date, you see that as a lack of commitment and I don't get why, because well I am a simple guy. When I say date that means I want it all. I asked you recently about dating and you said you wanted it all and then asked if I still wanted to talk about dating. I said yes because that's what I really want with you but you just think I mean this casual hook-up nothing serious like we are teenagers and you tell me that what I am saying is not what I really want, you tell me what I am feeling but you've never asked me what I want, never. This is who I am though Kim, this is who I've always been, this is the guy you fell in love with and agreed to marry, a guy who doesn't say what he feels with long winded soppy romance novel scripts but he does say what he wants and tries to show you that every day. If I wasn't serious about you and want you in my life I wouldn't be sitting here five years later still hoping and still hopelessly in love with you."

"I do doubt your love for me, because I doubt everyone's love for me."

Adam shook his head sadly. "Don't because it's just not the reality. I wish I did some days, not love you because at times the pain has been too much."

"Why don't you ever fight for me?" Kim's voice held just a hint of bitterness. "When I broke of the engagement you just walked away."

"No you walked away."

"You did nothing, and that just fed into my insecurities and doubts."

"What did you want me to do? Beg? Then I'd get the No means No lecture and be hauled before HR. I was trying to respect you. You ended it, without giving me one good reason, you'd been telling me that you wanted to put off the wedding. I got the hint Kim."

"That's not what happened?"

"No? It wasn't just once you asked to put off the wedding. As I said I'm a simple guy and I respected your wishes. You wanted to put off the wedding and then gave me my ring back. Nothing clearer that than. Not in my mind."

"It wasn't supposed to be like that. Jeez, you were supposed to say No."

"And how exactly was I supposed to know that?" The conversation was calm and quiet, long overdue and both of them ached with heaviness of their past mistakes. "It was my biggest regret." He added sadly.

Kim looked defeated. For years she had held onto that notion that because he didn't fight she was right. He didn't love her enough. It felt like it was the end so she had to throw a hail Mary and hope it stuck.

"I wish I could change every single thing I did back then, but I can't. I wish I had just talked to you and not listened to others. I regret everything that happened, all of it and I still do. I need to talk to you more and you need to stop being so compliant and vague and just letting me get away with it. One thing I have learned is that the only constant in my life for the past five years has been you, whenever I needed you, you never said no to me and the thought of not having that anymore is terrifying." Kim sighed sadly. "Is there any hope at all? Can we try? Go back to a few weeks ago, being friends, hanging out, hanging out with Makayla? Start there?"

"No."

Adam knew it sounded harsh and Kim's eyes filled with tears. "Please Adam." She sobbed.

"We can't go back Kim, it has to be something or it's nothing. I'm not going to just be your friend anymore. I'll always be in your life and there for Makayla but I can't let myself get hurt again. I don't have anything at the moment and you know that's okay because this way I've nothing to lose, so I either stay where I am now with nothing or it's something." They were his only two options. Something or nothing, this back and forth was killing him.

"No." She looked at him, straight in the eye. "It's not going to be something and it's not going to be nothing either…. Adam I want it to be everything." He didn't respond. "With you, I want it to be everything and I want it with you."

The dead air between them was suffocating. Time just stood still for the briefest of moments. "So?"

"Yes."

Well, that's it, I'll leave it there. At least they've agreed to give it ago..that's good right.

Thanks for letting me give it a go. Who knows what the writers of the show will do.