This chapter is a bit conceptual, I just really want to write out Jason's thoughts. Who knows what this'll turn into, but it'll probably be short. We'll have more fun next chapter, but hopefully this'll at least be interesting. Let's hop on the angst train :)

TW for the chapter: none

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these characters

CH 5: The Brother

Jason sat on his windowsill, staring out at the night sky. He still couldn't sleep, after they'd watched a movie, Dick had fallen asleep. Tim took initiative and dragged him back to his room, Damian had disappeared to who knows where, and Jason had returned to his own room. It was uncomfortable here, there were too many things that triggered unwanted memories, scattered around. It was too hot here, full of childhood warmth that made Jason want to wreck the place. It made him angry, the idea that he used to not have this weight inside him. The three great emotions, sadness, anger, and fear weighed him down. They'd been inside him ever since his Dad left, ever since he realized that the world he lived in wasn't kind, and ever since his mother died. But then he'd had food, a father figure, and a nice place to sleep. Trauma didn't appear every night, and he could relax.

How long had that fucking lasted? Jason gritted his teeth, not long enough. He'd become Robin, struggled to live up to Golden Boy, idolized both him and Batman. Then he'd gone and died, killed by a crazy man with a crowbar. Jason shivered at how easily his mind raced through those thoughts. It had been a lot more complicated than the quick timeline his brain presented to him. It had been full of pain and unforgivable trauma. It had been a life of anger, naivety, and fear, that the Joker had ended. But Jason knew it could have become more, it should have been more.

He clenched his fists. Jason often wondered, in moments of anger, what gave the Joker the right to ruin his life. It was stupid and pitiful, nobody gave the Joker that right, he was just crazy and cruel. No God had decided to bestow the great honor of killing Jason Todd onto the Joker. But Jason wanted a better reason than silly little brain chemicals, and as Joker put it, "one bad day". Jason wanted someone to hate and kill, someone just simply evil. Not that the Joker wasn't evil, he just wasn't simple. And Jason sure didn't feel any pity towards the clown.

Batman's morals dictated that Jason shouldn't kill. Maybe it was just Jason's nature to question such absolute statements, but he wondered if he couldn't poke some holes in that argument. If you know that someone will never stop killing, and will escape from every prison you put them in, if this person has killed without mercy, is it completely unethical to kill them? Jason tossed the idea full of fancy and logical sentences around in his head. Then Jason got mad, he shouldn't have to write a thesis on why he should be able to kill the Joker. Bruce should've broken his stupid rules, to get revenge. Bruce should have been angry that someone hurt his boy, he should've been unethical, and immoral. Because of what Jason had been through thanks to one evil man. Bruce should have killed the Joker for Jason.

But he hadn't, he hadn't and it showed one simple truth to Jason. Bruce would hold rules and morals over the lives of his family. Even though his parents had been killed, and he had been without family for so long, once he got it back, he wouldn't break a rule to save them. Bruce couldn't let go of his trauma. Jason snorted. Even he had started to heal, from something that seemed impossible to heal from, his death. Golden Boy had healed, but not forgotten. Tim was still struggling, but he busied himself with other things, and he would get better, hopefully. Cass was also healing from something that seemed impossible to recover from. Damian was growing, learning, and improving every day.

But Bruce hung on tight to his trauma and pain. He clutched it close, like all of his morals and drive would crumble without it. Jason wondered if they would. Everyone else seemed to fight crime because they didn't want anyone else to suffer what they had. Bruce may have started out that way, but he'd also begun out of revenge and a vendetta. Batman was born from pain. Robin was born from hope. A child's hopeful dreams to improve the future. Jason knew now that the battle for the future was something that should never be given to a child. Instead of hope, Batman was anger and fear. The same anger and fear that drove Jason, after the Pit.
With a quick intake of breath, Jason was swept back to that time. When he'd rose out of the water with the sour taste of terror still in his mouth. He'd rose with a vendetta, to kill the thing that made him scared. Looking back on it, it was such a childish idea, such young fear. He just wanted to stay alive, because with an evil mastermind clown out there breathing, nobody could look him in the eyes and tell him that he was safe now. Nobody could hold him close and tell him that he'd never have to trudge through hell again.

Jason blinked himself out of his thoughts, and suddenly felt very vulnerable. He was glad nobody could hear this cheesy, childish shit he was thinking. Gods, what would his family think? Big bad Jason just wants to feel safe, what a goddamn baby. But even the nasty voice in his head that snarled at him couldn't override the wonderful idea of being safe at last.

Okay then, what was stopping him from killing the Joker? Jason wondered, trying to think about it logically. If it wasn't morals, then what could it be? Whatever it was, he was willing to sacrifice safety for it.

And Jason knew that no matter how much he thought about how restricting and horrible his family could be, they were the reason he didn't kill the Joker. Because Golden Boy couldn't deal with going against Bruce, and he still loved Jason. If Jason killed the Joker, it would sever his bond with Bruce. Of course, that severing would be entirely Bruce's fault, but it didn't change the fact that it would happen. And then Dick would be torn, and sad. The kids would take sides, and the dysfunctional family that barely worked anyways, would break.

Jason rubbed his hand through his hair and sighed. He knocked his head back against the window frame and looked out at the sky. He couldn't sleep.

AN:

Okay, so this was basically just me trying to write out what Jason thinks about killing the Joker. Again, my Jason might be OOC from canon Jason, but that's just cause DC keeps resetting his fuckin character arc. Anywayssss, what do y'all think about my reasoning? To be honest, thinking about the morals of killing someone like the Joker seems like a mental trap. It's a sticky, deep discussion. I get how killing the Joker could push Jason over the edge, I get how it's not the best way to heal. But it just seems like something that should be taken care of. Anyways, this was basically a rant, we'll get back to the injured bird next chapter, ft. A special guest :)

Also, I kinda forgot about the Batgirls, please don't kill me, but to be honest, I'm not that well versed in them. I don't think they're gonna show up, I'm gonna focus on Jay and Dick.

Okie dokey, see ya next time, please review if ya want to :)